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laceyeb · 6 years

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Just getting some more feelings out tonight.....

I’ve been working so hard lately to try to understand myself and be patient with myself and be confident in who I am. It’s somehow getting both easier and harder at the same time.

I’m struggling. Because the more comfortable I feel about being bisexual, the more uncomfortable I feel about not telling people. Even though I’m still working on telling just me.

I’m doing all the “right” things, as if there are right things to be doing right now. I’m exposing myself to as much advice and positivity and media as I possibly can. I keep looking at the list of blogs I’ve recently followed and laughing because it’s ALL bi/general LGBT stuff. I read every post just wanting to know that what I’m thinking and feeling and going through is okay and normal. I just want to know I’m doing it right, even though I know there is no one right way. And every fear and doubt that I have comes up in all the advice I read saying it’s okay to feel the way I do, but I still worry that the way I feel is wrong. I don’t yet know how to be confident.

I’m trying though. Last time I roadtripped back up to northern California, I was alone in my car and I said, “I am bisexual” out loud for the very first time. It took me a little while to work up to it. I was saying it in my head and then I was just mouthing the words and then finally I whispered it out loud and it was a thrill. And it was so good to realize that it felt right. When I said it out loud, it was good and not so scary anymore. It didn’t feel like it was wrong or a mistake. Now I’m working on saying it out loud in front of the mirror. Looking myself in the eyes and being able to say, “I’m bi” is a whole new level. Sometimes I think, “This is stupid. If it’s this hard for me, maybe I’m wrong after all.” But I’m not. I just know I’m not wrong. I can’t even say how or why I know. It’s just something I feel.

So here’s my new thing I’ve been thinking about. For only the second time in my whole almost 27 years, I might have found a guy who might actually be interested in me. (I’m pretty sure at this point. I don’t think I’ve read allll the signs wrong. At least I hope not.) And I know I should tell him how I feel about him and I want to, but I just can’t. A big chunk of that is just my general anxiety. It’s like I’m physically incapable of saying the words to him. Or any words sometimes. I’m just absolutely petrified because I don’t do this kind of thing. I’m not brave. I don’t have any practice being brave like this. I just can’t do it. But sometimes I think there’s more to this than my general lack of dating practice.

In all my research I’ve been doing, I know it’s normal to have a preference if you’re bi. And I would assume that for me it would be guys just because I thought that’s all it was for my whole life until now. But now I don’t know. I feel like maybe my it’s girls and that’s terrifying for a myriad of reasons. 1) I’m still working on getting comfortable with being bi in general. Throw in a preference for girls and I feel like my whole life gets flipped upside down again. How could I not have figured this out by now?! 2) Maybe I just feel like I prefer girls because it’s like this new, shiny, exciting thing. The concept is so new to me that it’s just more appealing and this whole new world has opened up in front of me. 3) I think about my future. (This is something I’ve read a lot about.) I think about which sounds “better.” I try to figure out what I want. And right now I think, like if I forced myself to pick, I’m leaning toward girls. I think. Maybe. I don’t know. I’m just a mess and thoroughly confused and it’s not like it even matters. It’s not like I’m actually choosing as if I have options standing in front of me because I don’t. But when I think about being with a girl, it just feels… good. Honestly, that was scary to type. It’s scary to think I’m different than I used to be. (Even if I’m not different deep down.) It’s scary to feel like I’m changing so much so fast. (Even if this is how I’ve always been and I’m just now figuring it out.) I don’t know if being with a girl sounds better because it’s what I’ve been seeing so much more of (in all the tv shows and movies I’ve been watching lately in my efforts to “catch up”) or if it’s because that’s how I actually feel. I don’t know how to separate the two. But right now I’m leaning more toward “how I actually feel.” 4) This is something I actually want to explore. I want to know if this is real and really how I feel. But HOW?! I’m not a “just go out and meet people” kind of person. I’m not a “ask someone to set me up with someone they know” kind of person. I’m not an online dating kind of person. I’m not. I never will be. I’ve got all this social anxiety and I don’t even always feel comfortable talking to people I actually know and like. I’m a “hope someone who finds me even remotely appealing happens to fall into my life and has more confidence than me” kind of person. How am I supposed to “meet people” and, even scarier, how am I supposed to meet girls?! Girls who like girls?! How do I do that?! I don’t even know how to meet guys! Hell… I don’t even know how to make friends with new people! So as much as this is something I want to do and explore and figure out, I don’t know how. Well, no. I know how. But it’s like I can’t do it.

So long story short from all that rambling: I’ve got this guy who I like and who I think likes me, but I’m hesitating now because I might like girls more. But let’s be realistic. I tell him I like him (and it turns out he likes me, too) and it’s not like that’s it. It’s not like I’m forever attached to him for the rest of my life and I never have a chance to explore an attraction to anyone else. But that’s where my brain goes because I don’t know how to do this. I’m not a “relationship person” or a “dating person” because really I’m neither. But if I was one, I’m absolutely a relationship person. I wouldn’t be the casual dating type. Ever. I never will be. It’s gonna be all or nothing for me. So even though telling someone I have feelings for them is not a “go all in” type situation and I know that, it still is in my brain.

I am absolutely nowhere near wanting to come out to anyone in my real life. Actually, that’s not totally true. I want to, but I’m not going to. I kind of feel like I’m dropping teeny tiny little hints here and there. Like when I was watching a tv show with my parents the other day and this guy was talking about coming out as gay and normally I would have ignored it or not paid attention or pretended I wasn’t listening. This time I made a point of paying attention. And letting them see that I was paying attention. I didn’t say anything. I just watched. And yesterday after I met Sharna and I was excitedly posting stuff on tumblr while my mom and I were walking around and she said, “What are you doing? Texting a boyfriend?” And I said, “Yeah. I’m telling him I’m leaving him for Sharna.” Obviously a joke, but I said that. I implied the possibility of leaving a guy for a girl. And I didn’t even do it on purpose. It was just a slightly sarcastic joke that slipped out. But I said it and I don’t regret it.

Here’s another thing. Some of my students (8th graders mostly) are excessively interested in my love life (or lack thereof). I’m young and single and have a good relationship with my students, so it just happens and I don’t mind it. I don’t mind joking around with them a bit. But then the other day I was sitting with a group of my kids while we just in like a study hall period and one of my students (who is openly bi, and she’s not the only one at my school) asked if I like girls, even though my students have only ever joked about me needing a boyfriend. And I got kind of flustered wanting to say the right thing and I said, “Is that really appropriate for us to be talking about?” And she said, “What? It’s okay. It’s not inappropriate.” And I just wanted to yell at her, “YES I DO!” But the absolute last thing I need is the entire student body gossiping about my sexuality. I don’t care about them knowing, but I don’t need to tell them, nor should I. But then I feel like I’m lying. Especially to this girl who is bi herself. Here’s what I want right now: I want to somehow bring up the idea with a couple of my closest coworkers and just drop an “I’m bi” (in more or less words) into the conversation like it’s not a big deal. Because at this point, I think that’s what I’m most comfortable doing. I want to be out to someone. Anyone. I feel like it makes it more real (even though I know it’s not less real if I’m not out). And my closest work friends right now are my best option. Not my family. And I don’t really even have any close real life friends in life right now. I’ve got a few friends from high school/college I still talk to on occasion and I’ve got my best friend from high school who I don’t talk to much anymore but it’s like no time has passed when we do. But she’s pretty religious and has a few super homophobic friends. I don’t know her own point of view because it’s not something we’ve ever talked about, but this would be a weird thing to just drop on her right now out of nowhere. So… That’s where I’m at there.

I think that’s all the new feelings I needed to get out tonight.

One last thing on a happier note: I made myself a bracelet, like a friendship bracelet from a youtube video. It’s a chevron pattern and it’s pink, purple, and blue stripes, the colors of the bi pride flag. I wear it now like my arm would fall off if I didn’t. It’s like a tiny security blanket and I love wearing because it feels like such a statement, even if I’m the only one who knows what it means. It makes me feel out without actually having to be out. It’s been really comforting and I love it.

#totally ok to comment/reblog #also i applaud your dedication if you read that whole thing

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