#only problem is i have a bad habit of enjoying creating a server but cannot run it. need mods to run it for me...... | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

purrlstar · 7 years

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I just

I know its been quite a while since i’ve shared anything about my personal life publicly but

its 3am, the night before i get to see my best friend zell for the third time ever since meeting him online. I’ve had, such an experience with life and growth and characters and creativity and just, everything in general

the server has been a wonderful healing learning safe space for me and I cannot even begin to express how its multitude of stories and platforms have meant to me in the time that I’ve come to use them

I want to look back on this time in my life as the BEST time in my life, because, it is. right now anyways

sure i’m stuck in probably the shittiest situation i’ve ever been in, with problems that are still years away from being fixed

but im’ taking steps, slow ones. and I have been, for a long time

my life is in both the best and worst place its ever been and I’m loving and hating every second of it. Granted, we’re on the uphill swing from a rough time when my mouse wasn’t working and my computer were having issues that I’ve finally managed to recover from and have been starting to draw more frequently and that’s helped a my mood lot

but I won’t forget the habits and friendships that formed while I couldn’t express myself the way I usually do, that horrible dark period of six months or more, probably more before that because I was struggling with art motivation loss in general but that just really forced me to take a much needed break and not feel too bad about not drawing because I literally COULDNT at the time

confiding in my friends, making new ones, being social and barely hanging on to my sanity in a way that kept me going, I did risky things for the thrill of it like taking a midnight stroll outside without telling my family members because they were all asleep just because I needed SOMETHING to do to keep my mind off of how rough things are

but at the same time, they’re the best they have ever been

i’ve created some of my most complex and wonderful characters that I’ve gotten to play out entire stories worth of content with through rp, sawyer, miles, pearl, fey, roy, oswell, finn, calliope, and countless others I’ve slowly started to develop and gotten to know some characters that aren’t even mine

it’s made be a better author, its made me a better person, it’s shattered my anxiety and given me more confidence to do things that i didn’t even know I had a problem with

I can get things done and have stories to tell even when it doesn’t feel like i’m doing work, I can be inspired by what I did and create art and test myself drawing things that I’ve never tried before.

I’m about to head into the scariest period of my life where I’m relying on myself to have my back, and to do things that I’ve been too scared to try (like driving) and sort my life, health, and mental health out in a state that puts me in charge of my own everything

where I can’t always tug on my big bro zellcho’s sleeve and get him to fix my emotional breakdowns

I’ve had, such a wonderful time befriending him and going on adventures with him and this next week isn’t going to be any different i’m certain. I just wanted to kind of time capsule this moment while I’m waiting for my hair to dry from taking a 2am shower because I kept rping late into the night, a reunite with sawyer and aila and an opening to a new arc of torture and adventure that I’ve taken the steps to create myself, along with the introduction of two wonderful friends characters

there’s been emotions and tension and the stakes are high as this broken man I’ve made is trying to right himself without giving up and honestly as much as I hate to say it, it hits home and its therapeutic to play

sawyer is a terrible manipulative hot headed vengeful bastard and as much as he thinks he’s not cold hearted he’s done some awful things that boarder making him a toxic individual that nobody should be around. and yet, I love him with every fiber of my being

he’s the tragic hero, the villain of his own story, the villain of MANY other character’s stories, but they refuse to give up on him despite how much he’s making everything worse for himself, convincing himself that it’s the only way he can do anything is to stop dealing with it and force it back into his control

something that never works, and continues to break him. where he has to learn the difference between taking on your problems by yourself and giving in to people that you don’t like but they like you, to help you solve them.

I really don’t know if I have any proper story direction with this journaling I just, have a lot of thoughts.

and I can’t sleep unless I put them somewhere

I love my friend so much, I love my characters just as so, I love the rp i’ve been able to do and the creativity i’ve managed to harness even though it’s felt like the hardest thing i’ve ever had to do

I remember when I was shaking and I could barely reply to a word that was said on the server because I was too worried about fucking it up or taking the attention away from those in the spotlight, or being ignored.

and now i’m the admin who’s running entire arcs worth of stories, commanding the scene and playing countless characters from all walks of life, to truly stretch my writing muscles and see how much I can get away with.

yes, it still shakes me to the core, and yes, i’m still terrified of doing a bad job

but it’s getting better.

with practice and persistence I’ve managed to overcome my fears just to do something that I enjoy above all other things in the whole entire world

I will dedicate my life to this forever and forever longer because I just can’t express how monumental fiction means to me

things are

so good right now

and so rough

I just hope they can keep getting better, and that if someday I hit that rocky patch again I’ll be able to look back on this fondly and keep it as my memory and stay strong and not think that I can never have this again

because you do have this, you have this right now and you have this in your mind and this will never go away unless you do something to destroy it

and maybe you did, maybe you didn’t, that’s not your fault and it doesn’t matter because what matters most is that there’s always a chance to grow and keep going.

There’s always a chance to learn from your mistakes

#purrltalk #positive??#for once #its more like late night musings and self journaling #8/17/17 #oh and i forgot to add that i got a bunch of testing done today too #which has been a long time coming #a 4 year time coming #or even longer #i wont get the results back for a while still but #so much has happened today #so many important milestones #not to mention taz is ending too #and the eclipse #what a time to be alive

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