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#only reason i havent offed myself yet is bc i dont want to hurt people (even that doesnt convince me sometimes) and-
piplupod
·
1 year
Text
today is absolute garbage but i am going to try to do some painting on my project nonetheless, doing my best to attempt to claw my way out of the suicidality goop
#funny how ppl are like ''stay alive for xyz things!'' and that doesnt work for me
#like sorry but that is not making up for all the dogshit I've got going on dbdjdl it doesnt come anywhere close to balancing out the scales
#if i am staying alive it is entirely my choice made out of stubbornness and occasionally spite
#only reason i havent offed myself yet is bc i dont want to hurt people (even that doesnt convince me sometimes) and-
#-i can always do it tomorrow. like why not just stick around until things get truly too fucked up to keep going
#I'll make art while im around and hopefully leave behind some kind of positive mark on the world fjfkdl
#also fucking... jack stauber's ''dinner is not over''
#like yeah dinner isnt over yet. and it wont be until i cant stand another bite. and then i can have dessert. gotta wait til dinner is done!
#like do i see there being any way for me to exist in the world? no djdksl not at all
#i cant work and disability is not livable and theres no disability housing available rn so fbfjdl its not realistic
#but im going to stick around until i get to the point where it isnt feasible to be around anymore dhfksl
#and if the situation changes for the better then great I'll keep trucking along
#but i genuinely dont think im making it to like... 30. 25 is iffy. 23 is fuzzy. its just not realistic with how society is set up currently
#but! doesnt matter! just working with what i have in the present and I'll just keep trucking until i cant anymore dbfjdl
#suicide tw
#pippen needs 2nd breakfast
#sorry this is wildly mentally ill but i am just kind of ... hoping maybe it'll help someone else
#all i see for suicide prevention is ''you have so much to live for!'' and that doesnt rly help ppl in my situation
#i KNOW I've got a lot to live for but it's simply not realistic nor does it make up for the fact that life is utter dogshit dhdjdl
#so i just try to approach it from an angle of almost like... not caring
#like I'll keep doing what i can until things get too hard and then I'll take my leave 🤷 sticking around until then!
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