#or fei du will be like I MIGHT HAVE KILLED MY DAD AND MADE AN ASSASSIN ORG AND AM PLOTTING TO KILL YOU | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mejomonster · 1 year

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Silent reading SAD shit about fei du below the cut

Thinking about how Fei Du was so fucked up by what happened to his mom every day, by his dad just having him watch like it was normal and okay, by it making his mom feel so trapped she died to escape, by his father expecting him to kill animals and hurting him if he chose anything else (by making him "harm" himself with that collar), by his father monitoring him even as a teen and imposing it was weakness to be kind and to crave soft things and to love things so even if fei du missed his mom he was shamed for it. Thinking about how early the self harm may have started, when fei du tried to hurt himself every time his father ordered him to harm something or the upbringing made him think harming would be okay/good/enjoyable in some context, how often he must've hurt himself Thinking "no, no, I don't want to do that to someone like my dad did to my mom, and break them so they're beyond escape and can only die, I'd rather hurt myself or die trying to not hurt them, I'd rather push away anything I like then let it be near me and be hurt until they can't take it anymore or they can't escape me going too far."

It's how that led to him giving Luo yiguo to Tao Ran, it's how that led to him lashing out at Luo Wenzhou hoping to scare him away, how it led to so much self harm of him being afraid of his natural thoughts and trains of thought and wants. It's how he probably kept doing it off screen, during novel, it's implied he was still using that basement. How many conversations did he have with luo wenzhou where he said hed love to Strangle, of hurt someone like X, then went home and hurt himself some more hoping he'd puke at the sight of blood instead of wanting to run over and kill several motorcyclists. Hear a murderer across from him, across from Luo wenzhou, and think to himself he agrees with them or saw their trail of thought easily as one he could understand but the difference is only he's less messy, more careful.

It's how Luo Wenzhou taking control is almost a release. It's a familiarity in that his own dad was controlling, but Luo wenzhou is in the opposite way. His smacks don't sting, he'd always let fei du go, he'd let fei du oppose him until the world ends - he just wants to know fei dus real thoughts. How fei dus own dad wanted to crush his sons thoughts until he was a perfect prodigy, heir, copy. How Luo Wenzhou just wants the real him, no matter who that is or how much like or unlike Luo Wenzhou might "want" it doesn't matter cause it's only trust he wants. And even when fei du can't give trust, Luo wenzhou sticks with him. And Luo wenzhou doesn't punish him for cruel thoughts like fei du punishes himself over, or for loving thoughts like his dad used to, Luo wenzhou punishes him over stupid trivial mundane shit that normal people argue about. That people who Aren't like fei du and never got fucked over so bad argue about - Iike trying too hard to bang too soon into a relationship, like drinking alcohol, like flirting with other people in front of your crush. Luo Wenzhou treats him normal, when no one does to fei du who's important - even fei du doesn't afford himself that.

But Luo wenzhou does, makes his life into a normal one, a one where he can believe he's built a normal mundane ordinary home where he's allowed to have a cat and feed it and Like it, where he's allowed to love his loved one Luo wenzhou (once upon a time his mom) and actually protect them (he couldn't protect his mom only watch, but Luo wenzhou he can use his people to protect, can jump in front of a bomb for, can share in their burdens together and be a team). With Luo Wenzhou around, he's steered away from the blood out of concern. He's listened to when he has cruel thoughts until Luo Wenzhou says he is good somewhere in there, and that if he's awful then he's being dramatic because Luo wenzhous here With him and won't let him become like his father. And fei du can say he fears he'll hurt Luo wenzhou the way his mom was hurt, but Luo Wenzhou is Hero of the Universe and even though he's fallible and really Not that Invincible, in fei dus heart he wants to believe he is.

He wants to let Luo wenzhou boss him around, a monster, and feel safe knowing he can't be that monstrous if Luo wenzhou has him sleep on the bed like a harmless domestic housecat. If he compares him to Luo yiguo. if he pinches his ear and makes him feel like a ranting child, and only that nothing more terrifying, when he expresses wanting to harm. Luo Wenzhou will call him a prick for suggesting murder, like it's only as bad as calling your partner ugly that day, then still come home and kiss him and miss him dearly. Luo Wenzhou makes him feel like even though his entire life is a different World that Luo Wenzhou won't ever grasp or full Get just how fucked it is and was, there's still a space IN that world to carve out an ordinary home where Fei Du doesn't have to harm anyone and doesn't have to harm himself to stop from lashing out.

#silent reading #lb #zhoudu #fei du #i just... fei du probably has only stopped self harming cause #he moved in with luo wenzhou #cause hes too busy working or with luo to do it #and luo thankfully verbally spars enough when he IS cruel #that the urge eventually wanes #and he finds he doesnt have to be scared of himself as much as he used to

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mejomonster · 1 year

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its like. the way fei du wants to put control in luo wenzhou’s hands. not really, because fei du controls everything in his life so Much. but it’s his way of going “i want to trust luo wenzhou, i want to give him trust.” it’s fei du deciding i’ll tell him all my plans, after a novel of growing close enough TO luo wenzhou to do that, because he’s finally ready to risk really opening up THAT much and tell luo wenzhou the full truth he’s hinted at. and then it gives that control to luo wenzhou, the ball in luo wenzhou’s court, to trust him to do the ‘right thing’ about it - whether that’s abandon fei du, or try and stop him from doing what luo judges is wrong, or accept fei du - he leaves that to luo wenzhou. that’s the ultimate trust. its the fact fei du doesn’t make the choice FOR luo wenzhou, to end their relationship and leave and lie and hide it all. he grows close enough to luo wenzhou, treasures him So Much, he’s willing to give the choice to luo wenzhou: to take or leave fei du, fight or help him, accept him or reject him, try and yell at him for making a ‘bad’ decision or accept that fei du has already made his mind up. its what the novel builds to from the start and its just like!!! ITS a slow burn! its a slow build of trust even once the flirting has crossed a line! even past that, it’s them building a foundation of honesty ON the trust, now established, now that everything is laid out!

its that fei du gives it all, his inner parts that matter to him now - this plot, this thing he’s cared about above all else - and trusts luo wenzhou. trusts his judgement, trusts him like fei du the child never actually could (fei du asking for the mom’s death investigated to make trouble for dad, never to actually get anything to come of it, never thinking luo wenzhou could really make a difference). its luo wenzhou making all the difference, all this time, by caring about him. really truly caring about him.

its just like. wow for me like. the way fei du puts it in luo wenzhou’s control when they really kiss, or really have sex, or really move in. when he knows he’d kill to protect luo wenzhou, even, he still ‘gives that to luo wenzhou’ by verbally saying ahead of time ‘kill to protect him’ where luo wenzhou can hear it. even when he knows luo wenzhou won’t like the truth, he puts it out there - lets luo wenzhou have it, lets luo wenzhou decide for himself to accept and consent or run. its how fei du saw his mom never have freedom, and how he couldn’t do that to who he loved. its how he trusts luo wenzhou to make the right decision for himself, and make a decision that will be okay for fei du - even if the decision Were to leave fei du, fei du would Trust Him if that’s what luo wenzhou decided. the absolute WEIGHT of that.

its the way fei du says kill anyone as long as luo wenzhou lives, and luo wenzhou says “fei du, you prick,” and then comes home and just wants to kiss him and make love to him and cling to him because this is HIS PERSON. the way luo wenzhou wants to continue his structured path to connecting them emotionally, that he falters and accidentally speeds up, but he still makes these emotionally mature choices and doesn’t let himself be hotheaded and impulsive OR ignore the important hard conversations - because fei du trusts luo wenzhou to take care of them, to get them through these moments. so he asks fei du when they’re going to be official, and lets fei du be the one to decide if they are, lets himself Trust fei du back, lets fei du to be the one to say what they are and how much with a ring he makes with his own fucking hands. it’s fei du saying he might lock him up, its fei du admitting privately he’s the abyss (and like lu jia he’s also changed by his trauma and there’s only moving forward now), its fei du again simply Making the choice to tell Luo Wenzhou it all. And then the both of them trusting each other With That.

It’s them loving each other so much, one can’t ask to be this lucky twice in a lifetime.

#silent reading #lb

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