#personal vent incoming to just get off my chest don't be weird about it

[heyitsphoenixx]

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#personal vent incoming to just get off my chest don't be weird about it #i've known since i was a kid that my dad was overtly abusive but #just in the last 3-5 months i've learned my mom was and currently is almost just as abusive #but she's just covert about it instead #all of my adolescence was about surviving my dad who was so obviously a monster that he was almost easier to deal w in a way by comparison #this is. what an utter mind fuck #there's also like. no member of my family that i can turn to for help #bc they're either just as bad or my mother has ruined any relationship i might have w them over time #and i also fear being a burden #so i'm making a plan to get out but god it's overwhelming thinking about doing it all alone #and the thought that it might take years to actually get out or get healthy #she's kept me isolated from any support for so long #and im afraid any family that could possibly help wouldn't fully understand or they would be just as bad as her #and it feels impossible to progress at all bc im living w her and literally filed as her dependent on taxes #like ik this is gonna be the hardest thing to escape in my life and i've already escaped a lot #but this time i have to largely on my own #is v scary #and she's conditioned me to believe that i can't make any right decisions on my own without her #and that anything i do is always 'backwards' #makes it that much harder to make a clear plan #her work schedule is so inconsistent that it makes getting therapy online (since i don't have a license or car yet) nearly impossible #to do it without her or my brother listening #that i've just felt trapped for years #but. i can Tell i'm getting better now and rapidly. more than i've been for a v long time #so the process is just beginning and i think even she can tell #which is also dangerous #but ik i can do this its just the amount of time and effort and organizing behind her back and doing it alone thats v overwhelming #but anyway #we stay silly