#repeatedly reliving july 2013 is NOT what i wanted in the year of our goddamn lord 2023

[trans-cuchulainn]

also what is wrong with me that when people try and be gentle-sympathetic when i'm in grumpy pain overwhelm shutdown mode i just want to hit something

"are you okay? ❤" no i'm filled with murderous rage, stop being soft-nice to me before i break something

#everything seems condescending when i am in this state of mind #i can cope with a matter-of-fact 'you okay?' in a normal tone of voice #but a Soft Concerned Voice? no now i'm right back into punching things mode again #tbh i am just sort of generally in punching things mode #i hate being around people when i'm like this because i hate letting people see me like this #i don't think most of them are used to seeing me angry in this way #(they've forgotten that i don't relate to cu chulainn because of his Sweet Gentle Temperament) #(they did not know me in my Feral Child Fighting Everyone stage of life) #and it's just humiliating to snap and yell and not be able to control myself in front of people who don't normally see me like that #because i never normally let ANYONE see me like that #personal #i also got stuck in a. fucking 2013 memory loop trauma cycle thing. emotional flashback. whatever it's called. #2013. god. it has quite literally been ten years and i thought this was over #repeatedly reliving july 2013 is NOT what i wanted in the year of our goddamn lord 2023