#saying im trash even ironically can seed something negative in you

[crowsent]

How do you stay so cheerful? I read your tags and you seem like a funny and happy person. What's your secret?

had this ask for a while and i had no idea how to tackle this. lowkey no idea how you thought i was a funny and happy person from my tags since all i do is bitch about shit but uh. thanks? no idea how you got this impression of me but its very kind of you to say this. so. anyway.

im not cheerful. i havent been genuinely cheerful since the third grade. when i was in fourth grade i was already bitter and cynical and constructed so many walls around myself and my emotions that now, years later, i have no idea how to bring them down. by fifth grade, i became an angry and petty person. by sixth grade i developed trust issues. by seventh grade, i learned how to use humour to deflect everything and ignore the world. i think my first depressive episode was when i was ten. i straight contemplated whether or not i should be alive when i was ten and it only got worse from there.

me trying to be as kind as i can to others doesnt necessarily mean that im cheerful. its just that me being sad and tired and angry does not mean that i can be cruel or unkind to other people. its unfair of me to take out my frustrations about everything in my life on the world, so i try my best to be good and kind and be as respectful and courteous as i can be. the peppy excitable attitude i have is a farce so i dont bring in my negativity onto people who have nothing to do with my issues.

BUT. that doesnt mean that i cant try. people say fake it til you make it and thats what im doing. or trying to. im not actually genuinely happy but trying to keep my spirits up is infinitely better than just stewing in my depression. its a struggle to put on a smile and not say the first cynical thing that pops into my head, but i have to try. recovery is a process. its not a race, its a marathon. and for me, its a marathon with the goal being moved further and further away every so often. but if i dont at least try to run, then im never getting anywhere.

life is shit. for me at least. my depression is painful. i have chronic pains that sucks like a fucking turbo powered vacuum and sometimes i get suicidal ideations and have to lock myself in my room so i dont wander into the kitchen. but that doesnt mean that itll be shit forever. or that itll be bad every day. if today was something conjured from the depths of hell, maybe tomorrow would be good. or at the very least, suck less. so ill pretend to be happy, maybe crack a few jokes, and thatll distract me from the now.

and if my writing or my jokes or the comments i make brings a smile to someones face or makes their day brighter by a fraction or even makes them forget the present, even if its just for a little bit, then good. just because im miserable, doesnt mean that everyone else has to be. if i can make someone smile then im happy.

if youre struggling with depression or anxiety or something in your personal life and looking for a reason to be cheerful, then find a reason. any reason. maybe you have a pet. or maybe you have a fav show or book or something. maybe you have a hobby. maybe you have some friends you promised to hang out with or some chores you need to do or some yoga or singing or whatever. i cant give you a secret way to be cheerful because i dont have one. the method i use for dealing with suicidal thoughts is to lock myself in a room where there’s nothing i can use to hurt myself with and wait for the ideations to pass. that method might make things worse for you. it might not work. i dont know your situation. the only advise i can give you is to keep living. any reason to live is worth it. dont care what the reason is. hope. faith. love. spite. find a reason to live and live. the best i can say is that most of my joy comes from writing so try and find a hobby that you like.

tl;dr: anon. i try to just be as kind and positive as i can be and hope for something good happening tomorrow. kinda got derailed a lil bit there. sorry.

also. i feel like i should mention this.

im not cheerful and im not happy. im just a very good liar.

#crowsas trauma #crowsas answers #the fake it til you make it approach tho #it has merit. it has value. it can literally help you change your outlook #yknow how makin self deprecatin jokes over and over makes it second nature? #like the guess ill die memes and all that shit? #it actually impacts your mental health #the more you do it the more you believe it #until you cant tell if youre making a joke or an actual comment about your current state of mental wellbeing #saying im trash even ironically can seed something negative in you #and the more you do it the worse it gets #it becomes subconscious #so do the opposite #compliment yourself every chance you get #make note of something beautiful you see or hear or feel #focus on the good #my tactic of dealing with everything in my life is aggressive positivity #try that #no guarantee itll work but trying is better than not trying #im sorry i cant give you a better answer to your question anon #but try to be kind #be kind to others bc theres a special joy in helping someone else #and be kind to yourself #it okay if you dont feel happy all the time #no one does #but being harsh on yourself isnt going to help #so try and treat yourself w kindness too #tomorrow might be good #hang in there