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orindasfinest · 5 years

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TDFL PR W#1

Welcome to the first installment of the TouchDongers Foobaw Lig Power Rankings yadda yadda this doesn’t really require any introduction – reading this is kind of like waking up in a virtual gulag in a Black Mirror episode. You can feign ignorance all you want, but you know deep down why you’re here, Mohamed Jetta.

I’m hosting this on tumblr because it’s barely more public than a google doc thanks to the porn ban that whisked away all my piss bookmarks just as I was starting to make real inroads on a new fetish. Thanks for nothing you Puritan technocrats. If the pageviews from this post give you 35 more cents in your next worthless sale I demand compensation in the form of 45 second clips of coeds soaking granite countertops.

Pay your league dues so I can indulge my second favorite fluffing pastime of mailing people ostentatious shit they don’t need. I’m accepting submissions for the name of the championship trophy. Current front-runner is The Shiny Hiney so you might want to get on that (and I’m not talking about scaling Griffin’s stark-white cracked mountainside prone to avalanches and civilian suffocation)

WITH PLENTY OF FAFFING ABOUT

10. Leaguema Balls (Dirty Mike)

Record: 0-1 | PF: 73 | PA: 167.7

Playing Next: Airstrip One Ezekiels Engels (Derv)

Questionable Decision of the Week: Living with the knowledge that he gave himself forehead welts

The only man in double digits for team score created a gulf between himself and the rest of the field almost as big as the space between his eyeballs. I’m not saying Mike’s squad is already done for, but on the heels of many players demanding trades from Miami after their week one demolition, Travis Kelce called his agent and said he wouldn’t do another mind-numbingly stupid McDonald’s commercial until he was cut loose to go play for another Dongers contender. Not only was this performance abysmal, but I can’t even label it an outlier because Devonta Freeman is now hurt and his 3 other major skill players are from the NFC North where points are harder to find than Josh Gordon’s 2 week AA chip.

9. Airstrip One Ezekiels Engels (Derv)

Record: 0-1 | PF: 120.9 | PA: 151.6

Playing Next: I just fukcing did this one

Questionable Decision of the Week: the Mets

Writing a summary of Derv’s fantasy prospects feels a lot like breaking the news to a wounded soldier that he’s had to have his dick amputated. Sure, you’re not technically dead, but what is there to live for? Derv has two good quarterbacks in a league where you can only start one, which marks the first and last time she’ll have two men vying for one of her slots. Zeke ended his holdout just in time to put up 12 points a game because Jerruh will be GOT DAMNED if he pays anyone an obscene amount of money and then has them succeed. Her best wide receiver made softcore porn with Pete Carroll. I’d rather read The Sun Also Rises again than keep looking at this roster to make any more jokes.

8. James White is Right (Tori)

Record: 0-1 | PF: 131.2 | PA: 173.4

Playing Next: The Queen’s Booty Lickers (Liv)

Questionable Decision of the Week: Thinking that being introverted is a substitute for a personality

Tori ran into a Clemson-scented buzzsaw this week and was really not at fault for the enormity of her loss, which is more than I can say about the fact that 85% of her Sundays vanish into her duvet cover because she got alcohol poisioning after gagging down 3 jello shots and looking at her bottle of listerine before she got into bed. That considered, though, she’s going to need Austin Ekeler to keep putting up 40-point games like he’s not a body double from ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ AND she’ll need Matt Ryan to learn what side of a football holds the white thingies for her to get any kind of consistent production going forward. Much like she would say about Sacramento being a gangrenous taint, “I just don’t see it.”

7. Sean’s Hard Mangos (sean)

Record: 0-1 | PF: 130.7 | PA: 136.2

Playing Next: Mark Ruffalo’s Ruffalo Bills (Aidan)

Questionable Decision of the Week: Paying more than the cost of a Notre Dame education for a military-grade laser-guided beard trimmer

Sean dropped his game versus Griffin in the closest fight since the donnybrook between his ex-girlfriend and sanity. A couple breaks here and there and he might have come away with a W. Unfortunately, Tyreek Hill will be out for an indefinite period of time after finding out that it’s hard to box with people who aren’t 5 years old and Evan Engram is going to put up 28 points again as soon as Father Jenkins decides it’s high time to adhere to his vow of poverty. His third-leading scorer this week was his kicker. Last time everyone discovered so obviously that something fishy was afoot Sean needed his location tracked to a downtrodden dormitory fuck-barn.

6. Mark Ruffalo’s Ruffalo Bills (Aidan)

Record: 1-0 | PF: 151.6 | PA: 120.9

Playing Next: Reading comprehension

Questionable Decision of the Week: $45 says he’s still doing Fontaine to all of his roommates and they’re plotting in equal measures to cut him out of the will and to put a steak knife in his femoral artery

Big boy trade man saw his wheeling and dealing pay off, running contrary to his favorite Silver-and-Black organization, and to the time he swapped his dignity for his desktop toaster oven. Drew Brees stepped up, and not just on the baby footstool he uses to properly gaze into the bathroom mirror to examine his face birthmark that looks like Spaghetti-O cum. Julio and JuJu took the field, which is worth 15 points apiece in standard ESPN scoring. Outside of that, though, we have another aberrant kicker performance, this one from Harrison “Anal” Butker, and Josh Jacobs putting up 25 against a Broncos defense more porous than an Aidan snap group selfie. Expect a greater fall from grace than that of the Robert Pattinson Porsche launching itself from the car WTC.

5. Cartoon Colt Copulation (Gabe)

Record: 0-1 | PF: 127.1 | PA: 145.3

Playing Next: The Birds Have Arrived (John)

Questionable Decision of the Week: Drafting from Hawaii during my last day on that particular vacation because I value disposable carnal pleasures more than lasting memories with my aging and loving parents

This ranking is like the number of inches I used to tell Tinder hookers after snapping them at 2AM: obviously inflated because I think I’m in control. A charitable read tells you that all of my risky/reachy picks paid off in spades and that I was one Desean Jackson start from starting the season off strong. A realistic assessment brings you back to the reality of the fact that depending on Desean Jackson for a victory is a lot like expecting me to bring you to orgasm. I’m just going to drop out before anyone crosses the line. Can’t wait to be 0-6 by the time AJ Green and Golden Tate come back, leaving me in a scramble for respectability that nobody respects, much like how I acquired my college degree.

4. Poo Poo Point Diarrheas (Griff)

Record: 1-0 | PF: 136.2 | PA: 130.7

Playing Next: TEAM DUMPSTER BEARS (Lauren)

Questionable Decision of the Week: Being really fucking amped about his band despite ostensibly not being under the influence of cocaine

Griffin’s starting lineup is the quintessential example of boom or bust, which is odd, because I thought the quintessential example of boom or bust was his nightly decision between offing himself and masturbating. Every single one of his starting skill players suits up for the Panthers, the Chargers, or the Rams. That diversity is so poor that it makes Mendoza look like the fucking United Nations. I’d tell you to branch out, Griff, but your bench is thinner than you if you were half your size and if half your size wasn’t also still fat. Will Lutz, your kicker, almost tripled the score of your quarterback. As the signal-caller in question is none other than Cameron Newton, I imagine that we won’t be hearing from Tori for a while, as her resultant pussy surge at a black man’s failure sent all of her electronics into traction.

3. TEAM DUMPSTER BEARS (Lolo)

Record: 1-0 | PF: 173.4 | PA: 131.2

Playing Next: What cruel twist of fate caused me to do the rankings like this

Questionable Decision of the Week: Letting me find out you actually own a Deshaun Watson jersey as if I didn’t already have enough roasting ammunition

Wowie! High score! Hope you’re hard at work roasting up some tasty crow for me to eat after my little draft-day Clemson jab because A) You cook so infrequently you thought a “burner” was one of the twitter accounts you use to solicit Hunter Renfrow dick pics and B) this is the last week you even sniff this stratosphere of point-getting. It is not often I flex my fantasy football “expertise” because clearly I don’t know shit about fuck but anyone who’s played this sick game of roulette for more than one season has learned the unalienable truth that you CANNOT TRUST SAMMY WATKINS UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. Holy god that 46.8-spot is a bigger mirage than someone looking at your hair under favorable light and thinking it has volume. Sammy will get run over by a stock car, Deshaun will have his spleen removed in week 6 when Laremy Tunsil turns his back on a bootleg to get fitted for a new nicotine gas mask, and your chances of success will disappear faster than your willingness to take on any more of my emotional baggage once I let you in the cargo hold. Much like our relationship, enjoy it while it lasts.

2. The Queen’s Booty Lickers (Liv)

Record: 1-0 | PF: 145.3 | PA: 127.1

Playing Next: James White is Right (Tori)

Questionable Decision of the Week: We won’t find out till next week, when she gets in contact again and sends 14 messages, 13 of which relate to topics nobody remembers and 1 of which is feloniously horny

It is cruel fucking fate that the Eagles stans would fly to the top of the power rankings from the word go. I know I attract toxic elements to my life, but being friends with multiple people from Philadelphia is like trying to run a fever to get out of going to school and instead having both your arms fed into an original Eli Whitney cotton gin. Liv didn’t even draft her squad, which probably explains why both Dak and Amari are both properly valued and are on this roster, ready to put up a combined 245 points a game because NFC East teams treat defense like Louis CK does consent. They don’t really think about it much. Hey Liv, hope that reflective road vest is enough to save you when Griffin trips coming out of a show and rolls downhill for 5 miles. It’s a good thing you have OBJ because you both look like closeted lesbians trying to stand out in Catholic school.

1. The Birds Have Arrived (John)

Record: 1-0 | PF: 167.7 | PA: 73

Playing Next: Cartoon Colt Copulation (idk some guy, poor bastard)

Questionable Decision of the Week: Getting piss on the floor of his bathroom, totally missing my mouth

This is a truly upsetting squad about which to write a recap. John’s team put up the second-most points with consistent performances across the board despite having AB and Melvin Gordon on the shelf. I haven’t been this worried about two people returning since John’s parents told him they were just going down to the store for a pack of cigarettes. It’s tough to not look at this lineup and be intimidated, so now we all know how John’s organs feel when they receive the message from his tastebuds that there’s a combination of peanut butter, salsa, Drano, and barbeque sauce slathered on a cheesesteak coming down the hatch. At least that sub is still more palatable than his dating life. John wanted me to hear two words: Antonio Brown. I got 2(1) words for ya, John: You’re the Anthony Fantano of book reviews if Fantano looked like Steve Brule and had the follower base of the Shakers.

See ya next week!

-Commish

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mermaidinstereo · 7 years

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LIST: 10 of My Favorite Dark Music Videos

What you probably couldn't tell from my ongoing Christina Aguilera project is that I love dark shit. No, you probably won't find me at the local goth club nights (in suburban Florida, we don't have those), or crying to Sisters of Mercy, or blowing an entire week's paycheck at M.A.C. just for eyeliner (because ya girl is broke). Still, I enjoy a good vampire flick (and a lot of bad ones), prefer to rock a good dark lip, and one time blew $50 at Hot Topic on a coat that makes me feel like a tragic Edgar Allan Poe heroine. I guess you could say I'm barely a low-budget goth, but that's okay. That's just my vibe, I guess.

So today, I thought I'd count down 10 of my favorite music videos, that are all at once super totally goth and not at all. In no particular order, of course. (Because of Tumblr’s rules, I can’t embed more than five videos at once. So I’ll link to the bottom five, and embed the top five.)

10. "Mine" - Kim Jae Joong If the former TVXQ member was looking to make a name for himself, other than being just a K-pop prettyboy, well, he did it right. He was already a bankable actor, racking up views on both the big and small screens. And even after departing from TVXQ, with fellow ex-members Park Yoochun and Kim Junsu, formed the group JYJ, also successful in their own right. However, Jaejoong was not content with staying the course of K-pop typicality. In response, Jaejoong tapped into his inner rocker, unleashing "Mine," off his first solo mini album I. In this video, he runs through dark forests, plays with snakes, and struggles to break free from a wall, before appearing at the end of the video as a vampire that looks straight out of a J-rock band. One can only argue that this is Jaejoong's final form. Or is it?

9. "Hyde" - VIXX While VIXX started playing with darkness in "On and On," it was "Hyde" where they really hit their stride. Telling the story of a man struggling with a Jekyll-and-Hyde-esque duality in a relationship, images of the band's six members are juxtaposed--wearing white as cute, loving, boyfriend material, and black as horrifying, nightmarish, even abusive monsters. I gotta give an award to Leo for looking a little too into it when he strangles his lovely lady, shortly before black angel wings burst from his back. Dude is scary. And so is the setting of this video! It appears to be a vaguely decrepit mansion crawling with macabre decor...and some classic creepy crawlies. It's no wonder VIXX are pegged for K-pop's go-to goths. (For more creepy craziness from VIXX, there are a lot of videos to choose from, but perhaps nothing is more terrifying than “Voodoo Doll,” a video so gory it was banned from TV! Don’t worry, though--there is a clean version.)

8. "Election Day" - Arcadia When Duran Duran temporarily split in 1985, they birthed two side projects. On one side, the pop-friendly Power Station, led by powerhouse vocalist Robert Palmer, along with drummer Tony Thompson of Chic, and Duran's own John and Andy Taylor. Then there was Arcadia, the artsier goth-influenced group, comprised of Nick Rhodes, Simon Le Bon, and for a short period, Roger Taylor. In this video, Le Bon just looks like he got a nice dark dye job, but it's Nick Rhodes who got the full goth makeover, because of course Nick Rhodes did. I'm not exactly sure what's even happening in this video--leave that to anything Simon Le Bon did in the 80s--but the image of Nick Rhodes dancing around with a candelabra is pretty goth, if I do say so myself. Also, it's just a damn good song. And album.

7. "Married to the Music" - SHINee As K-pop acts go, SHINee have not always been the group that goes with the flow. Instead of ripping off T-shirts in music videos, they play with unusual concepts, sometimes freaky ones. Among those was 2015's "Married to the Music." While not exactly elegant, "Married" boasted a quirky, camp-horror concept, inspired equally by Rocky Horror Picture Show, and Michael Jackson's "Thriller." In the video, the five members visit a wacky house party in which, throughout the night, they find themselves having various body parts removed in bizarre methods. Key gets his head hacked off while spinning on a giant roulette wheel. Taemin's eyes pop out when he gets smacked in the back of the head by a baseball bat. A phantom hand in the sink rips off Onew's nose. Jonghyun's mouth comes off after some kind of kiss of death. Then, Minho's entire body is sacrificed in a birthday cake incident gone wrong. All this culminates at the end, where our mystery woman uses the discarded parts to build the perfect FrankenSHINee. Like Mary Shelley, but with more BB cream and an Off the Wall beat.

6. "Beast and the Harlot" - Avenged Sevenfold Unlike SHINee, A7X have always toyed with the darkness, but in a similar manner, do it their own way. This cut from 2005's City of Evil is actually a track describing the fall of Babylon, in incredible detail. The video, however, tells of a Faustian tale, through a lens of rock 'n roll excess. A visually striking video, and I'm not just talking about Zacky Vengeance's eyeshadow. Careful what y'all are getting into when signing contracts, guys.

5. "Call Me When You're Sober" - Evanescence I could list nearly any Evanescence video, really. In fact, I kind of owe a lot to Evanescence, since they kind of helped me discover my artistic identity a bit. That said, I picked this cut from 2006's The Open Door. In it, Amy plays Red Riding Hood, on a pretty bad date with the Big Bad Wolf, played by dashing British actor Oliver Goodwill. He cuddles up to the plaid-clad Amy, who is clearly uncomfortable with his advances. Somewhere there is an awesome scene with Amy surrounded by black-clad dancers as they float above the ground, and this is honestly the coolest thing I've seen in an Evanescence video (though, truthfully, "Good Enough" was pretty cool, too). But nothing tops Amy walking toward her douchey wolf--across the table, as dining utensils go flying off the table. Very Once Upon a Time. Regina would be proud.

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4. "Out of My Mind" - Duran Duran

This is an obscure cut from their 1997 album Medazzaland, a period in which the beloved New Romantics got suuuuuper experimental. It's hard to find this video in HD on YouTube, so you kinda take what you get. The then-trio of Rhodes/Le Bon/Warren Cuccurullo traipse around a creepy house, are sometimes ghosts haunting a library, or sometimes--in the case of Rhodes--are Rococo gothic drag queens. Also, Simon rocks a choker at some point. Totes 90s. Also, the setting and cinematography recall Marilyn Manson's "Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)." Hey, wasn't that by an 80s band, too?

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3. "Frozen" - Madonna

I was maybe around seven or eight when Ray of Light was released. Maybe. But I vividly remember seeing this video on VH1 when my mom left it on. I was freaked out by it at the time, but of course, I was a child, of course I would be. A solitary, black-clad Madge dances around a barren wasteland, cuddling nothing but her flowing gown as ravens surround her. I think she was playing with Indian motifs at the time, considering her hand gestures and tattoos (also, Ray of Light boasted "Shanti/Ashtangi," never forget). This was probably the beginning of the Kabbalah thing, too, but it wasn't quite as big a story as it would become years later.

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2. "Within Me" - Lacuna Coil

I'd be betraying myself if I didn't include a Lacuna Coil video in all this, another group that, with Evanescence, led me down an aesthetically dark path. A mellower cut from 2006's Karmacode has vocalists Andrea Ferro and Cristina Scabbia at odds, with Andrea sitting lonely in some kind of elaborate chair or throne, as Cristina crawls the desert, producing these creepy black tendrils for some reason. It's just a pretty video and song.

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1. "Sayonara Hitori" - Taemin

For his first Japanese solo single, SHINee's Taemin pulled out all the stops. None of the cutesy image that was cultivated during SHINee's early period, instead, Taemin fully embraced his darkness, portraying several different characters. The first looks like he walked out of Inuyasha, dancing around a piano (no, I don't know why either) as blue flowers grow around him. The next scene finds him clad in the edgiest black garb possible as samurai spar behind him. Perhaps the most goth thing, however, is Taemin laying in a black coffin as very fabulous mourners lay blue flowers down. Not bad for a kid who somehow loses nearly everything he touches. Gotta keep it relatable. Of course, I subscribe to the belief that Taemin couldn’t have gothed it up without Jaejoong paving the way.

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Now, a few honorable mentions. Okay, a lot of honorable mentions:

Stone Temple Pilots, "Sour Girl"

Sunmi, "Full Moon"

4Minute, "Volume Up"

XIA, "Tarantallegra"

Rihanna, "Disturbia"

Taeyang, "I'll Be There"

Depeche Mode, "Walk in My Shoes"

30 Seconds to Mars, "The Kill"

Christina Aguilera, "Fighter" (I wanted to save this for the Xtina project, whenever I manage to get to this video)

Keane, "Disconnected"

FT Island, “Pray”

INFINITE, “Bad”

2NE1, “It Hurts (Slow)”

#kim jaejoong #shinee #taemin #evanescence #lacuna coil #avenged sevenfold #arcadia #madonna #vixx #duran duran #list

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