#she's following the same pattern she's had for years:treats 1 person like heaven for a bit and before it escalates she goes to someone else

[fellwhite]

Well

At least it wasn't my fault, right?

Venting again because i have nothing better to do nor anyone to talk to yet (well until monday atleast) so you're warned part 2: electric bogaloo

Using dots (.) As commas (,) since tags don't allow it

#so it wasn't my fault at least.but rather her being the weirdest being to ever exist (and that's coming from me a pretty damn weird person) #basically: it's 100% a mutual thing. the problem? she doesn't want a serious relationship and doesn't want to hurt me #well guess what both things are fucking lies and I don't know if she's trying to lie to others or to herself #1. i know her. she definitely wants a serious relationship and was about to commit with me #2. what she decided to do instead is so much fucking worse and only ends up in a straight up torture for me #she's following the same pattern she's had for years:treats 1 person like heaven for a bit and before it escalates she goes to someone else #which not only ends up hurting a fuck ton of people. but herself as well because again: i know that she truly wants it and is ready #I don't understand it at all #but while i would definitely be in a giant amount of suffering under normal circumstances anyway #what makes it all worse is that now it's one of my friends. one who knew how badly i fell for her #and what did he do? he didn't give a shit. went behind my back and straight up took her on a date 8 days after i did #and again: she doesn't even feel for him what she does for me. it's just the stupid pattern she has and that i doubt i can break #and thus I'm here. just thinking nonstop about what the fuck im supposed to do here #should i murder that traitor? should i speak with her? should i speak with the traitor for atleast some context? #i want to murder that guy. i trusted him and this is my payment. and to make it worse this has happened MANY times in my life #at this point i only genuinely trust a few of my friends like 6 at most #everything is so confusing. stressful. tiring and depressing i want to crawl into a hole and lie there until i die #atleast i basically robbed her best friend now though and she (friend) feels like a friend for life who genuinely cares so that's nice #heck she knows me a lot less than she does the other one yet she still decided to side with me after seeing how unfair this situation is #...so hey I guess it wasn't a total loss (i mean there's a chance still. but it's rather low and I don't know if i even want it anymore) #it hurts however. this isn't a generic crush 'oh my teenage love' i genuinely love her. I would've straight up married her that day- #<-light exaggeration of course but not THAT far from the truth. I've done a lot for her and definitely would've done more if she let me #so this is gonna take a LONG time to get over with. i know that i probably will but it just #...hurts you know? like I can't describe it any better than the raw words like 'pain' or 'aching' can do #love truly is a double sided sword after all. and humans aren't particularly good at wielding them #at this point considering all my romantic failures it would be better if i had just been aromantic or something since the start #would've saved me a lot of stuff (not underestimating what aros go through btw. im sure they go through even worse things) #(but i just really wish i didn't have to deal with romance in general) #and i think that's it for this vent. im tired and i want to sleep it all off. for it'll help to ease the feelings even if just a little #vent