#sitting in our meadow holding the necklace for me stargazing and wondering if im ok

[frecklystars]

feels really awful not drawing my red energon necklace on me anymore. it also feels awful when I do draw it though, like i used to feel rly happy bc it's a reminder of how loved TF made me feel but now it's just a reminder that i've lost it and i'm! always! scared i'll never get that back! i keep trying to imagine starlight would want me to wear it but its so fucking hard to imagine him being kind towards me when i have months of trauma and abuse that have convinced me the exact opposite. that's why im making so much fanart instead of self ship. thats why i still only doodled one (1) ship art w/ ken and i'm facing away from the camera bc i cannot stand to draw myself with or without the necklace. i hate thinking about it i hate lingering over that empty area. i hate missing him. i fucking hate missing him. im not supposed to miss any of those characters like this. this was never supposed to happen to me. i didn't deserve ANY of that shit my abuser put me through. i just want everything taken away from me to finally be mine again

#been drawing myself wearing barbie's locket or ken's chain #just to fill that empty space because idk what else to do!!!! #i tried drawing the red energon necklace while im holding hands w/ six #and it felt so fucking Bad it was like oh. why would i wear that if it's never gonna feel better again #would stsc even want me to wear it anymore. does he even still love me #i keep trying to imagine that he misses me and hes just waiting for me to come back #sitting in our meadow holding the necklace for me stargazing and wondering if im ok #but TF being a literal fucking trigger makes it SO FUCKING HARD to think of fluffy scenarios #when someone spent months telling me how abusive they would all be and how vile they are #i love barbie. i love ken. i love six. i love sebastian. but it is absolutely fucking nothing compared to what i had w/ starscream #and im. nevergonna get it back am i #the pain is so tremendous and when i lose barbie/ken/six/etc etc idk what im gonna do #i felt so good watching the barbie movie today i watched it TWICE since its the last day in theaters #and then on the way home a starkeri song came on shuffle #and i fucking lost it i had to pull over bc i started crying so hard #what the fuck is wrong with me!!!!!!!! #vent