#so now i'm cranky jsjsdj

[buckactuallys]

Eddie Diaz Week Day 4: “I don’t deserve this.” + guilt

buck/eddie, 1.7k. [read on ao3]

Somehow, it’s always in the middle of the night halfway through a gruelling shift that Bobby finds Eddie going through some shit.

Their last call was a nightmare, more people DOA than still alive, and even more they lost on scene. It’s been silent at the station since they got back, most of them trying to find comfort one way or another, dispersing to call their loved ones if they can, or into the bunk room to try and block everything out.

Buck has stuck close to Eddie’s side the whole time, both to comfort and to be comforted. It should be scary, how well Buck knows him, that he knows exactly what Eddie needs without ever having to hear him say it.

Eddie never wants to talk after these kinds of things, doesn’t see the point in rehashing things he can’t change anymore. And he’s never been particularly great at talking about his feelings, still isn’t.

Buck knows all of that and respects it, even though he’s way more of a talker than Eddie is. He hasn’t tried to broach the subject with Eddie at all, but he’s been by his side since they got back to the station, a solid warmth at his shoulder, reminding Eddie that he’s here and alive. So Eddie knows Buck hasn’t talked about it either.

Earlier, they’d been sitting at the table next to each other, touching from shoulders down to their ankles, and Buck had taken out the notebook his therapist had suggested he get for when he can’t talk about what’s going on in his head. Eddie sat next to him while he scribbled into it, and something ugly twisted in his gut.

Here he was, right next to Buck, having gone through the same damn thing, making him write his thoughts down instead of just talking to him. And Buck never even seemed to hold it against him.

Now he’s asleep with his head pillowed on Eddie’s lap, curled in on himself and one hand gripping the fabric of Eddie’s pants tightly.

Eddie can’t sleep. There’s a war going on inside of him, two equally big emotions fighting for dominance.

On one hand, there’s the tenderness and love he feels for Buck, the wish to protect him from everything coming their way. On the other, there is the guilt and self-loathing he feels for putting himself first anyway, for prioritising his aversion to talking over Buck’s need to. How can he do that to the man he loves?

“Eddie,” Bobby’s quiet voice interrupts his thoughts as their captain sits down opposite him, a worried frown on his face. “Are you alright?”

And maybe it’s that they’ve had these middle of the night conversations often enough already for Eddie to be used to opening up eventually, but Bobby doesn’t have to do any prying before it bursts out of him. “I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve him.”

Bobby’s eyebrows raise. “Buck?”

Eddie gives an aborted shrug and can’t quite look Bobby in the eyes. He’s spilled his guts to the poor guy so many times, he shouldn’t be embarrassed anymore - but he doesn’t want to see the pity on Bobby’s face. Doesn’t deserve that either.

“Why do you think that?”

“Because,” Eddie swallows, trying to find words for what he’s feeling, “he’s too good for me. I mean...you know how he is, Bobby. He gives so much of himself to make other people happy, to make me happy, and I...I can’t even meet him halfway. What do I have to offer?”

“I think you’re being a bit hard on yourself, Eddie.”

“Am I, though? I take and I take without giving anything back. I was a bad husband to Shannon, I’m a bad boyfriend to Buck, he would be better off without me dragging him down-”

“Have you talked to Buck about this?” Bobby interrupts, and Eddie lets out a bitter laugh.

“No, because I can’t even do that, can’t do it when it comes to my feelings or his, and now he doesn’t think he can talk to me about things like what happened tonight, but what would I even say, Bobby? I don’t know how to help, I never have the right words anyway.”

Bobby sighs. “We had a rough call tonight, Eddie, and everyone deals with it in their own way. And that’s okay! I’m sure Buck doesn’t expect anything more than what you can give from you. But for what it’s worth, I think you should try to talk to him about this anyway. If only to hear it from him.”

“Why are you so sure of what he’ll say?”

“Because I know him. And so do you, when you’re not too busy feeling guilty for things you aren’t guilty of.”

Eddie purses his lips, trying to keep the tears he can feel welling up at bay. “So you don’t think I’m acting like an egoistic asshole? Cause I’m pretty sure I am.”

“If you really think you only take from Buck and don’t give anything back to him, you need to talk to him even more than I thought you did.”

Bobby sounds almost disappointed, and it kind of knocks Eddie off balance. He seems to think it’s so obvious that Eddie is wrong. It makes him want to consider that maybe he isn’t looking at things very objectively right now.

“You make that man so happy,” Bobby continues, and his voice softens. “He has had to go through so much, and you were there for him through it all. He felt like he didn’t belong anywhere, and you gave him a family.”

“We all did that, though.”

“Yes, and we mean it - but it’s different with you. You gave him Christopher, and not just that: you gave him your trust with your son, and I think you quite literally saved him with that.” Bobby also has tears in his eyes now and Eddie swallows thickly. “My point is, you don’t have to talk about everything, Eddie, that’s not who you are. But some things need to be talked about, especially if they make you sit here and hate yourself if you don’t. You don’t deserve that, Eddie.”

Eddie wipes his eyes and gives Bobby a small smile. “Thanks, Cap.”

“Try and catch some sleep too, hm? I’m sure you’ll feel better after.”

Eddie nods and watches as Bobby walks away, feeling much better than before. He still doesn’t feel great about essentially leaving Buck alone to process, but hearing Bobby say that there are things he’s given Buck - maybe it’s not as bad as he thought it was. Clearly, he’s a work in progress, and clearly, he still needs to work on both communication and self-image.

Buck’s hand on his knee uncurls from the fabric of his pants, and Eddie sighs, running a careful hand through Buck’s hair.

“Did you hear any of that?”

“Most of it,” Buck murmurs and sits up, looking at Eddie. “I wasn’t sleeping very deeply when you two started talking.”

Eddie looks down at his hands in his lap. “I’m sorry. For leaving you alone to deal with it.”

“Eddie,” Buck says, scooting closer and taking Eddie’s hands in his, squeezing until Eddie squeezes back. “Eddie, listen to me. Is...is that what you think happened? Cause it’s not what I remember. You haven’t left my side since the last call, have you?”

“Yeah, but I didn’t talk to you about it.” He sounds ashamed when he says it, and still feels the guilt heavy on his chest.

“Did I ask you to talk about it? No. I know you don’t like talking about the rough calls, but that’s not even why I didn’t say anything. You were there right next to me, and that was all I needed. All I need. You always give me exactly what I need.” He lets go of one of Eddie’s hands and places his free one at the back of Eddie’s neck, leaning down until he can meet Eddie’s eyes. “If I wanted anything else, I would’ve asked, or gone to someone else.”

“Yeah?” Eddie asks, reaching out until he can get a hand on Buck’s shirt, wanting to be closer still.

“I love you, you idiot,” Buck says softly, following the pull from Eddie’s hand and pressing his forehead to Eddie’s. “And like Bobby said - you’ve given me so much, and you make me so damn happy. You’re the one person I trust with absolutely everything, and before you, no one’s ever given me that kind of trust back. When all that shit was happening with my parents, you were the only one I felt like I could talk to about everything, and you listened, and understood. You know me, Eddie, and I know you. And even when we deal with things differently sometimes, I know you’re always there for me. Do you know how long it took me to accept that I was deserving of your love? Many therapy sessions, you can believe that. But I learned that we’re both imperfect people with flaws and with baggage, but all that matters is that we make each other happy.”

Smiling, Eddie brushes their noses together softly. “You’re so smart sometimes.”

Buck snorts. “Asshole.”

Eddie presses a kiss to his lips, then another. “I love you, too. And thank you. For putting up with me and my moods.”

“It’s not “putting up with you”,” Buck says seriously, leaning back a little so he can look at Eddie. “I love all of you. Insecurities and self-doubts included, even though I wish you didn’t feel them. And you deserve that love, Eds.”

“God,” Eddie groans, squeezing his eyes shut against the tears that are threatening to spill again. “I love you so much.”

Buck laughs a little and pulls him all the way in, holding him close. “I know, but you definitely need some sleep now, you’re not usually this teary. Come on, we can even share a bunk and endure the inevitable teasing tomorrow and probably for the rest of our lives.”

Eddie grins and cuddles even closer to Buck. “I can live with that.”

With Buck by his side, it sometimes feels like he can withstand everything.

#eddiediazweek2021 #eddieweek2021 #buddie #buddie fic #911 #911 fic #pia writes #i'm...not sure how i feel about this one #and then tumblr didn't want to let me post this ugh #so now i'm cranky jsjsdj