#so the only chance i've rly had since then was purg and that was a mess

[svtskneecaps]

i had arin for two days and i'm deeply endeared. i miss him. i miss arin, tails.

#qsmp #qsmp arin #the single only good thing that could come from this if arin does not come back is if luzu (the character) returns #worst case scenario we never see cc!luzu again i will be DEVASTATED #i missed any luzu qsmp streams by like a week i think he canonically passed out RIGHT before i got into qsmp #so the only chance i've rly had since then was purg and that was a mess #i got so damn scared when i heard he was contemplating leaving frrrrr #even if he stands by that i'll be pleased we got these two days bc they really Got Me emotionally #but i'm so deeply intrigued on how the code can evolve now that luzu/arin reappeared and closed the thread that summoned the code to begin #(the codes were first after arin; now they have him; now what?) #and considering etoiles and arin were chatting prison day 1 #and the code and etoiles lore have become intertwined #i'd be curious how arin and the code evolve and if/how that affects etoiles lore #i have full trust in luzu in the kitchen i'd be very interested to see what he could cook up #please return sir 🙏 please #as q!luzu or arin idcccc just don't be gone forever ;-; #(know going forward that if i ever say 'i miss arin' i 100% also mean 'i miss cc!luzu on qsmp' that is always implied; constant subtext) #shut up vic #block game brainrot #listen i'm a big fan of new ingredients shaking up established patterns #etoiles shook up luzu's code lore and luzu returning shook up etoiles' #i'm attaching the beaters and mixing the shit out of this ok i'd like to see this in the blender is that too much to ask #man all these tags and i didn't actually talk abt the character as i see it in real detail? #but like eh without the character history i'm reluctant to rly expound on it just know i am deeply endeared #it gutted me when he got dragged off deadass but was also such a cool moment in terms of character reactions #very very cool thank you luzu thank you qsmp

[celestialmancer]

... // 10:35 pm, Dwelling on things before returning back to other stuff I'm working on-- lengthier ramble I guess, not too long but yeah

Been kind of reflecting on my own relationship to my creative work & whatnot as of late, most particularly just... The level of importance that art/writing/other creative outlets has always had in my life, I suppose.

There's just been this like, acknowledgement (?) of how it quite literally is like... The main thing that's kept me alive & going, & I do mean that quite literally (considering the... circumstances... of past stuff...) since its probs one of the only consistent things I've had there for me. Like, the things i create/write/etc always have been a coping method I suppose, for letting out emotions or processing things I've had some experience with (or full experience with) & like, how it's helped me sort of start to piece things together to properly understand & work through them &/or even like. Figuring things out about the past or myself too, I suppose (case in point, how I had a lot of things come back to the surface one due to things I was writing that I had repressed, & then starting to just work through that all I suppose). Also why I tend to not be afraid to explore darker topics but, regardless...

Just, something that's served as a way of taking past hurts/foul circumstances/etc & purging them through that, turn the metaphorical poison into an antidote I guess for lack of better phrasing, poison being the past stuff I've been dealt & antidote being taking the shit from that & turning it into a tool to help navigate things & at times help in the healing process too Which, is something I've sorta acknowledged also in therapy (& I guess also why my therapist has taken such an interest in knowing about the things I've created, whenever we're not doing EMDR or talking about certain past shit I practically buried & never opened up about)

I think the... Main? Example? Of this especially was during the years I was dealing with M & other fucked up circumstances ig. Bc those were among some of the darkest years I almost didn't make it through, yet at the same time w going through the heinous shit I did those years I also. Was soaring w my own artistic stuff? like, those were also the years I was really excelling & doing a lot with my artwork, engaging in competition stuff too that i did really well in, got lots more creative outlets, & even the arts performance i became part of in front of a TON of ppl, & those were things that kept me going I guess? Aside from plenty other creative things I picked up on. (All this during a 5H profection year, lmao)

So its just, sort of seeing how that kept me from slipping away I guess? & then over the years, used it to start trying to find myself & my identity after the stuff that left me feeling devoid of one (outside of the... things from M & ... well, we won't get into that). & Also adds to the weight of artistic pursuits & everything for me & esp w how important all that's become to me in recent years (given current circumstances that are ongoing too)

I would. Really love to be able to put lots more focus & time into creative stuff honestly, I've never really had the chance to fully fully immerse myself into it w/o also simultaneously going through rly harsh circumstances (bc that's just how life is ig) but, maybe one day we'll get there.

#ishtar rambles ;