#so. thhhaaanksss i guess. i spent the last year miserable and lonely but thought maybe this person would still take me back as a friend

[agelenopsis-potteri]

loooove that the moment i try to reconnect with a friend i thought i'd lost i discover i really *had* lost them and in fact they hate me now because of something i didn't even fucking do

#having my fears confirmed isn't quite as soul crushing as i thought it'd be but. does feel like being stabbed in the heart a little #i did. SOMETHING. but i don't think i did anything worthy of vitriol. y'know #as far as i'm concerned i did my best and quit when it was genuinely too much for me. the 'bad' thing i did was. leave? #the fight that ended things was actually between a mutual friend and it was less of a fight and more of a ptsd-fueled blowup at me #from aforementioned mutual friend. who was my best friend at the time #blew up at me because i didn't do Everything The Way They Said for their birthday. treated me like a bad friend for it #and asked if i even wanted to be friends #threatened to demote me to 'friends' from 'best friends' like we're in fuckin kindergarten or something #the only thing i'm grateful for rn is that friend 1 had the guts to tell me they hated me #so. thhhaaanksss i guess. i spent the last year miserable and lonely but thought maybe this person would still take me back as a friend #only to discover that they think i'm bad at being a friend #which. like yeah sometimes. but that was one of the things my bff at the time was trying to instill in me in the first place #i feel like they told them things. about me. that were perhaps not true. or twisting the truth #i know i'm yelling into the void rn i just need to get this down and maybe someone will see it and like it and i can get a sense of #solidarity or something #they wouldn't even tell me what i DID. i want to know so bad even though it would make me worse. pls for the love of god #vent