#stuffing my feelings into a hockey night in canada frame

[chartreuseness]

puck in eye, stick in eye, finger in eye

THE GREAT DISCOURAGEMENT CONTINUES: game 5 of a best of 7 series pits the Dissatisfied Ennui against the Weepyville Sentamentalists in the quarter final round of the ‘we’re fucked’ playoffs. Weepyville leads the series 3-1 but the Ennui still have a few tricks up their sleeve, in addition to home ice advantage, tonight also marks the return of team captain Shrug O’Dunnough after six week out with a broken collarbone. Puck drops tonight at 7:30 EST at the Hostess Frito Lay Dissatisfamphitheatre.

Whoever wins the series goes on to face either the Doubtford Paranoiacs or last year’s Eastern conference champs the Wide-Eyed Panic in the semis. The ‘Yacks have taken the lead in that series 3-2 after last night’s victory in Doubtford. Panic’s head coach Spaz Henderson had some choice words for the media last night in a post-game press conference, describing the Paranoiacs defensive line as ‘projecting their own insecurities’ and ‘unable to see the big picture’. When asked about the comments, ‘Yacks foreward Branch Downey replied that he knew all along that that’s how Henderson really felt, because it’s the truth after all, and why are we even playing hockey anyway if you hate us so much and we’re so horrible.

Here with more hard hitting analysis are our own Chuck Cautiontothewind and Yawn M’Brain with all the finest talking points on another edition of ‘Fucked Up Mudroom!’

(Jaunty horn theme plays, lights go up to reveal hosts sitting at a desk. Chuck Cautiontothewind is wearing an elizebethan collar, a foam dome, Dame Edna’s glasses, and a houndstooth marching band uniform complete with a sousaphone.)

Yawn: Good evening, folks, and welcome to Fucked Up Mudroom. Now, Chuck, I want to start today with your thoughts on the recent-

Chuck: KIDS THESE DAYS HAVE NO GUMPTION I TELL YA. BACK IN MY DAY WE DIDN’T SIT AND FESTER IN SOME YUPPIE CONDO WHILE OUR LIVES TICK TOCKED AWAY, WE WENT OUT AND GOT DEGREES IN THINGS AND THEN YOU GOT REASONABLY PAYING JOBS SO YOU HAD ENOUGH MONEY TO HAVE BABIES AND BUY HOUSES AND FILL THEM UP WITH FABRIC SOFTENER AND PAPER NAPKINS AND DIAMONDS! NONE OF THIS MINIMALIST YOU-KNOW-WHAT! WE GOT ALL THESE EUROPEAN HOCKEY PLAYERS COMIN’ OVER AND NOW SUDDENLY EVERYONE HAS ANXIETY!

Yawn: *makes a face*

Chuck: I KNOW, I KNOW, YOU PC TYPES DON’T LIKE IT WHEN I SAY THINGS LIKE THAT, BUT I’M JUST SAYIN’, IF YOU WANT TO GO TO JAPAN SO BAD, YOU GO TO JAPAN! YOU DON’T JUST SIT AROUND IN A DISSOCIATIVE HAZE ALL DAMN DAY WAITING FOR YOUR HUSBAND TO WAKE UP! IT’S NOT HIS JOB TO REMIND YOU THAT YOU’RE A HUMAN!

Yawn: now, not to disagree...

Chuck: YOU CAN’T DISAGREE ANYWAY CAUSE I’M RIGHT ARRRGH

Yawn: Going to Japan is not as simple as hopping on a bike, there’s airfare which costs money, and language concerns which take time, and what are you supposed to do whe-

Chuck: EXCUSES EXCUSES I’VE HAD ABOUT ENOUGH OF... I TELL YA, YOU SEE, WHEN YOU, AW HOW’S IT GO... WHEN YOU REPEAT THE SAME THING ALL THE TIME YOU GO INSANE OVER AND OVER AGAIN!

Yawn: You mean ‘the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different res-

Chuck: YEAH YEAH SAVE IT EINSTEIN

Yawn: hey, actually you’re right

Chuck: WHAT?

Yawn: The quote....nevermind, nothing

Chuck: OF COURSE I’M RIGHT, WEREN’T YOU LISTENING? ANYHOW THE POINT IS, YOU CAN’T JUST EXPEC THINGS TO WORK OUT PERFECT ON THEIR OWN, YOU GOTTA GET IN THERE AND STICK YOUR NECK OUT FOR WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN, SEE? WHAT REASON IS THERE TO STAY IN THIS DUMB OLD TOWN ANYWAY?

Yawn: well if you look at it the reasons to leave actually far outnumber the reasons to stay, I don’t believe anyone is looking to prolong the time here beyond how long it will take to raise the funds to pay rent with somewhere else, but no matter how you slice it, it’s a lot to come to terms with all at once, when you have to leave all your friends and your job and you miss your cat and your whole life changes within 6 months and everything you though you knew was-

Chuck: BALONEY! Y’HAD ENOUGH TIME ALREADY YE NO GOOD ANKLE BITERS! WHEN I WAS COACH I’D MOVED ACROSS THE WHOLE COUNTRY 3 TIMES BY YOUR AGE! ALL ON MY OWN TOO, DIDN’T NEED TO BORROW NOTHIN FROM NOBODY.

(Yawn M’Brain sighs, quietly gets up from his chair, unclips his microphone, and walks away from the set. Chuck Cautiontothewind does not notice and continues yelling at the camera:)

Chuck: AND ANOTHER THING, WHAT’S THE SENSE IN BEING SAD ABOUT YOU’RE GONNA MISS YOUR FRIENDS SO MUCH WHEN YOU NEVER SEE THEM AND YOU HAVE A PANIC ATTACK EVERY TIME THE PHONE RINGS? IF YOU’RE SO BROKE ALL’A TIME WHY YOU SAD ABOUT LEAVING YOUR JOB WHERE YOU CAN’T GET ENOUGH HOURS TO PAY THE BILLS? WHY ARE YOU SAD ABOUT LEAVING YOUR SCHOOL THAT NOBODY HAS EVER HEARD OF, WHERE YOU’VE ALWAYS BEEN TOO CHICKEN TO EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH A PROFESSOR? THESE ARE QUESTIONS I SHOULDN’T EVEN HAVE TO ASK! IF YOU WANT THE ICE TIME GET OFFA’ THE DAMN BENCH! IT’S LIKE I ALWAYS USED TA SAY BEFORE ALL THESE EUROPEA- (lights quickly go down and Chuck’s rant is cut off by the jaunty horn theme resuming.)

Oh, that Chucky, you never know what’ll come tumbling out of his mouth. Stay tuned, we’re going to go to commercial but when we come back we’ll have more pregame coverage for tonight’s match, will Weepyville take the series and leave 'em all in tears or will Dissatifaction prevent this series from coming to a cathartic release? Ennui vs Sentimentalists game 5 at 7:30, more hard hitting action right after this.

#i think i'm losing my marbles for real #stuffing my feelings into a hockey night in canada frame #you want to fight about it? #cause i'll fight about it #i'll slam yer cupboards #feelin' right punchy today #that's some lack of emotional equilibrium right there #hockey night in canada #turmoil #feels bad man #whatta hoser i am