#tbh sei worries a lot about her bc of that

[tvrningout-a]

i do not have the brain to articulate this thought the way i want rn, so forgive me if this doesn't make proper sense, but the work kaiya does for the corps isn't just for the hope of finding valuable information to use against muzan. it mainly is -- i don't think she'd make herself witness so many painful memories if not for that reason. but when kaiya sifts through the memories of those demons, she doesn't need to take quite as much time as she does. she's used this ability enough to be able to basically? " speed-read " someone's memories. she can get the basic gist without taking the time to really watch the key moments, kinda like reading a summary of a book rather than reading the chapters.

rather than do that, though, kaiya sits with the demon's memories; she learns where they came from, how they became a demon. she tries not to pry too much into their older memories because what she's doing is already so invasive, but she tries to learn who the demon was before they changed. at the very least, if they have to die, the least she can do is understand who this person was.

part of it is also! kaiya's own personal feelings towards being forgotten and how her loved ones never knew what happened to her. she's thought a lot about her mother, how she must have woken up one morning to learn her son-in-law was dead and her daughter was missing. she thinks a lot about how her mother can never know what happened, how she'll never get to explain how badly she hurt and how sorry she is. it's something that tears kaiya up, and to think about so many others being in a similar situation? she hates to think about it.

so even though the process is mentally draining, even though kaiya has nightmares as a result, she takes a little longer with each demon's memories. even if their loved ones can't know what happened, at least one other person will, and at least that person will try to provide some comfort. i've mentioned it before, but kaiya always gives the demon a happy memory or takes them to one of their own before they die.

i think more than anything, she wants them to be at peace since their fates were anything but peaceful. and i'll leave it at that bc i'm afraid i'll ramble for another paragraph if i don't asdf

#oh man i think i could ramble more about it but i'd be going in circles probably #kaiya really and truly is too soft #and i don't think anyone even knows that she doesn't /have/ to go about looking through their memories the way she does #no one really knows how her ability works save for those who think to ask #but if sei and chinatsu knew she was causing herself more grief than necessary?? they'd be very upset and chastise her probably #bc kaiya's constantly doing stuff like that #it's a horrible habit she was of putting others' needs before her own and to her detriment #tbh sei worries a lot about her bc of that #he really worries that she'll get herself killed #and that'd rip what's left of his heart into teeny tiny pieces bc that's his person :(((((( #why am i writing this in the tags instead of a post?? i always do this asdfg #headcanons | kaiya