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demenior · 3 years

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Dem’s Big Post About The Spn Fics Part 1/2

aka The Wrap Up to celebrate To Exist Again and To Become a Man now being finished!

(This will be a long post. This is your only warning.)

Admittedly this is a bit of a weird thing to be doing, but I wanted to try it out for 3 reasons:

I love talking about my own work and

It functions really well as a self-reflective tool for me to improve on, and

I can answer some big questions people might have because there was a LOT of worldbuilding in these stories.

We’ll start off with reflective stuff, and move into the juicier world-building focused stuff later into the post. There will be major spoilers for both fics to come!

To begin with a funny anecdote, Why Did I Write These Stories?

I was beginning to write and work out the story that I wanted to write for Spn (what will now be To Destroy a Man. As I was writing the scene, I realized I had a LOT of ideas and while I was trying to avoid as much exposition as I could, it became quickly apparent that I was needing to create my own au (this scene eventually became chapter 34 of To Become a Man). A short prequel seemed like a good idea, to quickly hash out the ‘prior’ events that I needed to go through so all the readers could be on the same page. While plotting out prequel points, I realized Sam and Dean were going to have drastically different experiences during the same time period, and I was trying to figure out who’s pov would be better for which scenes, and how to keep momentum when they’re going through such radically different types of changes. Ultimately I decided to split their povs, which I also thought would be a fun project! And I naively assumed each pov would take about 2 chapters each, rounding out to maybe 15k total.

I had my ending points: Dean n Cas soul-merged and (basically) married, Cas on the lam from heaven and a complete anomaly, and Sam juiced up full of powers and a weird mix of archangel and antichrist but still 100% human and ready to fight God.

Now I needed to add weight to these changes, so I wrote 200k of build-up.

Am I proud of these fics?

OF COURSE I AM!!! These are the longest fics I’ve ever written AND finished AND in the fastest freakin turnaround ever (both were finished writing, barring edits, in like 6 months holy shit)

I didn’t write a single scene that I “didn’t” want to write. If I had trouble writing it, as in it was fighting me, I scrapped it. Most obviously was the scene in Dean’s pov where he and Sam were intended to meet some other hunters and Dean declines working with them because he’s nervous about being outed as queer. It was meant to be a good scene! I wanted to introduce some new characters! But it just wasn’t working so I said ‘thank you, next!’.

But it means this story was an absolute joy to write. Because for a while all I was doing was ‘if I wanted to write one scene into supernatural, what would I write?’ and then just DID that!! It’s why there’s a lot of ‘Salmondean do dumb shit or have really dumb heartfelt conversations’ scenes.

Would I change anything?

If I’d been less eager to start sharing, I might have planned out the story beats a little tighter so there were less ‘soft’ chapters and a draw/pull for people to come back and keep reading. I felt Dean’s story specifically lagged at points and could have used some tighter editing (there was a noticeable lull in directed movement between Dean n Cas getting together, until Sam corrupts Amy).

I also probably would have held Sam’s story until I’d finished Dean’s so I could make the two line up better! Probably could have inserted more scenes into Sam’s fic that way, and made sure things were a little more consistent. In an ideal world one concept I had was to release 1 chapter from each pov every week that would correspond to the same time frame so we’d be getting real-time SalmonDean pov narrative. Unfortunately that didn’t work!

The biggest takeaway overall is for me to focus more on what moves the plot, and to make my scenes do more than 1 thing so I can cut down on wordcount and increase my efficiency.

Of course every writer will find things they want to fix in anything they’ve ever written, so these are minor “mistakes” at best. I’m so dang proud of these fics.

Onto more interesting things!

How Did I Put These Fics Together (because it’s different than anything I’ve ever done before)

Normally when I write a story, I plan out the beats I need to hit, see where I need to insert any kind of foreshadowing/buildup, and then write from A to B to C and so on and so forth. Hence, this is why I can normally post things as I complete chapters, because it’s all a linear progression.

For these two stories, rather than linear plot/a normal story structure, I just sat and free-wrote any and every scene that came to mind and then pieced them into a kinda-linear form like putting a quilt together. You’ll note that this is why there’s not a lot of internal callback or a feeling of sense of time flowing within the fic (save for points where I went back and specifically edited it in). How long does the story take place over? Hard to say! Your author has the barest grasp on linear time even on a good day (how many times did I say ‘see you on [wrong day]’ at the end of chapters lmaaoooo)

This also meant EXTENSIVE editing on the back end once I decided in what order I wanted my ‘quilt pieces’ to be. Hard to say if this is a bonus or a negative!

But I did want to try and capture the vibe of the lives they lead, as a bit of a ‘slice of life’-style story, when the slice of life is the profound weirdness of the Winchester roaming life, and how things are status quo- until everyone almost dies oh shit!! And then they have to keep living because no therapy we die/undie like Winchesters. Do I think I captured this effectively? Hmm. Good question.

Dem where the FUCK did the inspiration for a lot of the magic and creature weirdness even come from?

Honestly? Music, primarily. And completely mishearing lyrics!

Nightwish ‘Ever Dream’: the line is ‘my song can but borrow you grace’ and because my brain is scrambled eggs on a good day, I heard ‘grace’ ‘song’ and ‘borrow’ in that order and have had, for YEARS, the mental image of Cas borrowing Dean’s soul to power himself up for battle.

From there I’ve always been enamored with the ‘wavelength of celestial intent’ descriptor that Cas drops in s6 for “what he is”.

I also really like ocean metaphors mostly because I’ve been obsessed with the ocean and things in it since I was like… 5??? So really this was me just rolling with what I know lmao. I love using (somewhat) accurate scientific metaphors for very intangible things!

I was also finishing my degree in biology/ecology while writing these fics and I think it shows

Stars ‘The Night Starts Here’ gives us the series title and the fic titles. Except for ‘To Exist Again’. TEA was almost titled ‘The Upwards Fall’ because I wanted all 3 of the Main Stories to have titles from this song, but I couldn’t make anything else work in tandem with the series name ‘The Love It Takes’ while also working for Sam’s personal story. So Sam, as always, is the rebel <3

Stars ‘Up In Our Bedroom, After The War’ is basically the vibes of the whole story. TFW has been, literally, to hell and back!!! There’s a bit of melancholy and sadness, a lingering dark, but the chance of a bright new tomorrow and a soft start.

Let’s Talk About Themes in The Story! What were you looking to accomplish?

My earliest notes for TFW are, as follows:

Dean’s journey of self-discovery (who am I when I’m not trying to be Dad?)

Dean wants to settle down! He wants a big family! He wants to be domestic!

Basically: Dean doesn’t want to have a short life of hunting. He wants to live!

Dean’s journey of realizing he’s bi, and him accepting that

Dean’s relationship to Sam is both older brother/parent

And continuing Dean balancing these roles while also letting Sam be an adult

Dean’s Big Issues/Fears about never being good enough for people to want to stay with him (these are effectively highlighted in that Cas thinks he’s not useful enough to be wanted)

Sub Plot:

Castiel’s autonomy

Cas’ fall from grace, to trying to restore Heaven, to wrecking it further

He’s majorly depressed by the end of s7 (before purgatory)

Wants to stay in Purgatory but doesn’t tell Dean

Remains depressed after leaving, but resolved to keep living on because he’s clearly meant for something

After the seraphim reveal: does he have free will?! How does he grapple with this? How does he live in a way he can be proud of?

And lastly

Sam gets his powers back CAUSE THATS HOT

where tf did they go????

he got them from Lucifer?????

sleeper agent??????

Sam is The Chosen One

Accepts that he is More Than Human and to celebrate all parts of him

Lucifer and Sam friends?? Work together????

Sam needs autonomy in his choices/his life

If you compare these to the overall arc of TFW within the two stories, I think I got a lot of them! But you’ll also note a lot of these things aren’t concrete goals that are easily measurable (ex: Dean wants to learn to bake pie. In chapter 1 he starts a fire in the kitchen. By the end of the story he finally makes A Good Pie.) part of the lack of concrete milestones was why I felt it was important to tell Dean (and Cas’) story by going back to the point they meet, in s4! Dean’s gradual change towards his feelings for Cas, his relationship to Sam (heavily influenced by the s7 events of this fic) and then his own relationship with himself were such slow burns that I felt it would be a disservice to try and cram a change like that into a timeline like “1 year”.

I felt like these subtle changes and adjustments actually felt a lot truer to life-- people often change in very small, gradual ways over time, even without realizing it and often times not consistently! If only we could all gain skills like the sims, where we can easily level up and remain at that high level of performance!

So the Guy Who Ate Satan, A Celestial Nuke that Developed Sentience, and Dean walk into a bar…

Sam’s story in Spn The Show has always been a ‘chosen one’ kind of narrative. Sam is living with one foot in the realm of the monsters, and I wanted to bring that back full force! It really makes sense for him that he should only continue to grow in power, might, and magic!! As the story progresses.

Cas also got a power up! I do desperately love in the show that he was kind of a grunt/nothing angel, and so even when he defected to TFW he was a huge help for them, but in the scale of things he was an annoying fly to most other angels. It really worked for the underdog story of s4/5. In this I wanted to give him a power up, and originally it was actually going to be close contact with Sam that eventually changed Cas into something unknown (you can still see traces of this in ch34 of TBAM, where Death remarks ‘Castiel could be [Sam’s] first creation’. But for a combo of reasons: how Sam’s magic needed to have intent, the entire concept of free will and consent, and how much I wanted Dean and Cas to have their effect on each other, I decided to go with the route that Cas has actually always been something angel-adjacent rather than becoming something new. TFW/Supernatural has always been about free will and making your own story, so I amplified that with Cas.

Dean has always been A Normal Guy, which is part of the appeal of him and Sam (2 normal dudes!) taking on the Very Not Normal. As explained above, Sam’s story is ‘normal guy finds out he’s the chosen one’ and so, in a story about very large concepts and huge monsters and acts of magic, I felt it was very important to keep Dean as normal as possible. To the point it became a running gag to me, personally, in that ‘no matter what cool shit happens around him, Dean has to stay as Just A Guy’. And it’s a very humanizing role that allows the story to have the scale it does!

What were the most important themes in your story?

Sam’s Autonomy

I wasn’t even going to include the plot about Lucifer’s death in this story— that was going to come up in a later story, actually! And rather than Sam having ate Lucifer, the original idea was that they’d become a SamandLucifer entity (this harkens back to a concept I wanted to write when Swan Song first aired).

That storyline would have involved a lot of mental ‘Sam and Lucifer discuss what it means to live, which one of them is more worthy of life and if they do deserve to destroy the world for the pain they’ve been forced to go through, just to create the dichotomy of good and evil for everyone else’ discussions. There would be a lot of talk about how Sam hates and fears Lucifer for the pain Lucifer put on Sam, how Lucifer hates Sam because he and Sam are the same but Sam’s brother loves him anyways, etc.

Ultimately that was scrapped because Sam’s entire story in the show is always about how the world and everyone around him manipulates him and that he never actually gets to make choices about his own life or body that aren’t influenced or part of someone elses’ design. And that always bothered me that Sam was never allowed to be himself without having to be ashamed of it, and I wanted to make sure that Sam’s triumph of being proud of himself/proudly choosing to exist (again) was evident in his story

In the end I needed Sam to have this visceral win over his tormentor. As the story shows, in this case Lucifer was abused and put into a position where he was incapable of empathy and could only express himself in violence. Sam even understands this! But it doesn’t change the fact that Lucifer tortured Sam in unimaginable ways for thousands of years.

With that in mind I didn’t like the idea of Lucifer and Sam having “co-ownership” of their new identity, so I made the choice that Sam had to be the survivor. This tied in well with Sam’s new crusade to restore free will to the universe, because he’s breaking the narrative of his own story!

While Castiel wasn’t a pov character, his own autonomy and free will was equally as important. You’ll note that many, many paragraphs and conversations revolved around that theme and that in the end Cas followed himself (and love!) which ensured his freedom of self <3

The Brothers are WEIRD PEOPLE!!!! And Codependent to a Worrying Degree, but It’s Also How They Survive

It’s very hard to show “unusual” relationships when you’re writing from the pov of the two people who don’t think there’s anything weird about their relationship. Sure, they say ‘yeah it’s probably weird that we still share a bed’ but that’s kinda more in line with ‘I had a nightmare and I want to be close to the person who makes me feel safe’. Hashtag normalize co-sleeping when you need it!!!

From there I did try to point out how the boys have a weird perception of lifestyle in the little things they did.

From thrifting everything from clothes to appliances to books (thrifting is a valid lifestyle! It’s incredibly handy when you’re on a budget.)

To never actually having condiments or knowing how to use a dishwasher cause they’ve lived in a car, a motel room, or squatted in old houses their whole life.

I tried to have them wear each others’ clothes or casually swap things as much as possible. They live out of each others’ pockets!

Also the brothers are just weird people!! It’s hard to show from their pov, cause they don’t know how far off from normal they are, but like…

Everything about Sam and Amelia was NOT right like holy shit those two were wilding in their grief. They are very lucky things worked out for them and that they got to be hashtag Weird Girls together

Dean explicitly, in the story, gets horny after killing stuff!! Violence has done a number on his psyche and he’s gotten some wires crossed that maybe shouldn’t have been, or maybe could be worked out in a safe space but… uh… how likely do we think Dean is gonna go find a safe space to deal with any of his shit???

LOVE!!! Love is truly what this whole story is all about

If you’ve read the stories, you know how much emphasis I put on love. Love is the strongest force in the Spn Universe! It’s what averted the apocalypse and saved the world (Swan Song), it’s what created free will (Cas’ entire arc!) I love love!!!!

I went out of my way to not put any definitions on platonic love vs romantic love because I think love is love is love and how you express that is the difference. Neither is more powerful than the other because LOVE is powerful!! Sam and Cas are the most important people in Dean’s life and he loves them equally! He shows this by giving Cas kisses and stealing Sam’s socks.

It’s a personal pet peeve of mine when I have to hear explanations like ‘I love you, like a brother’ or ‘I love you, but like, as a friend because I’m a lesbian and you’re a man’ etc etc in media. If you have to continuously define how your characters love each other, then I don’t think you’re doing a good job of portraying their relationship. So you’ll see that I never put those parameters in any conversation. Dean DOES muse that he loves Cas differently than he loves Sam or Bobby, specifically because there is a romantic and sexual tone that his feelings for Cas takes, but not because he loves Cas more or less than he loves Sam or Bobby.

Which means, if you haven’t realized it yet, the Series + Fic Titles are meant to be a complete sentence because the power of love IS the thesis of this series:

The Love It Takes To Exist Again (Sam’s journey!)

The Love It Takes To Become a Man (Dean’s journey!)

The Love It Takes To Destroy a Man (TBA)

And now for fun stuff. Behind the scenes!!

What’s Something People Probably Don’t Know?

The demonic fungal/hydrothermal vent growth on Sam’s arm was thrown in literally as I was posting the chapter because I had just finished a 48 hour cram session of writing a report on tube worms for an ecology class (I was chanting my tube worm song as I wrote it) and it ended up being a HUGE hit with both readers and myself. But it was so last minute I had trouble fitting it in more throughout the rest of Sam’s story!

Cas’ orders? That may or may not have bound him to Dean and removed his free will? Were written into Sam’s story and I went ‘oh SHIT that’s compelling’ and then left them there as a ‘guess I’ll figure that out when I get to Dean’s story lol’

Originally Dean and Cas were supposed to get together after having their souls bonded, and have been in a UST limbo the entire time before that. Mostly because I think the entire concept of ‘we just got married of the soul I guess we should try dating?’ is very funny. CLEARLY the two of them were way more eager to fall in love than I anticipated (thank you Cas for your honesty) but you can still see shades of this original idea here and there (especially in ch35 of TBAM)

I never intended Dean and Benny to connect so well!! Benny was going to reunite with Andrea, she was going to live, and they were going to go off into the world and leave the story. And, uh, here we are. I’m still debating if I need to adjust the relationship tag or not haha. Polyamory is fun, especially when I was planning for Sam to be the polyamorous brother...

Speaking of, I can’t believe I forgot about Sam and his sexuality! If I rewrote TEA I would have had Sam contemplate more on his lack of sexual appetite due to trauma, up until he meets Benny and he gets to rediscover how he wants to be a sexual person

Many of Sam and Dean’s absolutely stupid sibling conversations were lifted near-verbatim from conversations I’ve had with my siblings

And lastly...

Dem where’s Kevin????????????? Where is our sweet baby boy????????

He’s SAFE!! He’s in the Hunter pipeline somewhere cause Sam handed him off to Bobby’s people. He and his mom are safe and at some point they probably got rib sigils like SalmonDean did against angels, but for demons. I didn’t have room in this story for him!!! But my baby boy is SAFE and I want to get him back to university because it’s WHAT HE DESERVES!!!!

To that point: god there were/are SO many characters that I just didn’t include in the story so far because I didn’t feel comfortable including them without stalling the story for them. To that point: pretty much everyone who is alive/dead in s8 is that way in this story, except Bobby who gets to live.

[Check Out Part 2 for reader questions!]

#the love it takes series #to exist again fic #to become a man fic #dem speaks

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we-are-the-sickness · 6 years

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1-100, go go go

1. NameSavanna2. Age193. City that you live inYuma, Arizona atm4. What do most people not know about you?That I learned a bit of Hebrew as a child5. What do most people know you for?Idk tbh jokes ig6. HobbiesArt,, singing,, writing,, archery,,, etc etc7. What are your passions?So much hnstly. Cooking, agriculture, helping the helpless, art, the stars, music 100%8. What do you search for in a significant other?compassion, kindness, someone who wants to spend time w me, affection etc7. What are you most proud of?Im proud of my friends! does that count or8. When was the last time you had a significant conversation with someone you love?hec idk tbh9. Have you ever collected anything? What was it?Rocks fkn collected hella rocks. also antlers n shit u know Midwesterners10. List 10 things off of your bucket list.Visit ScotlandGo to law schoolBe in a bandSell my art at some pointlearn how to sew n knit n all that shitTake Gemi, steve, and lukas and mayb steves brother if hes available on a road trip11. What was the last thing you learned?THAT I WAS MISHEARING S LYRIC IN TWO MINUTES TO MIDNIGHT FOR YEARS12. How many relationships have you been in?Like 4 i think 3 or 413. Turn onsIdk certain ppls voices are mega turn ons, genuine kindness, JESUS IDK I CANT THINK14. Turn offssmellin bad, bein a dic, know it all 15. Favorite foodMexican food!!! asian food!!!16. Favorite drinkraspberry tea or Hurricanes17. What is the best birthday gift you have ever received?My guitar tbh altho i still cant rly play its a big part of my heart18. Are you optimistic or pessimistic?Logical.19. Do you sleep during class?nah20. What is the most expensive thing you own?probably my guitar and amp lmao21. What is the cheapest yet most useful thing you own?hmm idk22. How many times a day on average do you check your phone?too fuckin many23. Text or call?depends on where i am lmao24. Opinion on long distance?In it rn pal25. What is your definition of success?Consistent happiness 26. Favorite song?Rn bc of Gemi ive been falling asleep to Panteras cover of planet caravan so i think thats my favorite as of this second27. Favorite artist?too gotdam many28. Celebrity crush/crushes?have u seen this bloge29. When was the last time you read for fun?early last month 😪30. Favorite flower?Sun flowers, Lilies, Irises31. What is the best gift you could receive right now?reassurance, flowers, a hug idk affection32. Any guilty pleasures?Fuckin...buying quality cheeses ,,33. What is one thing you would like to change about yourself?My whole damn self THROW THE WHOLE DAMN HUMAN AWAY34. What do you search for in a friend?funny, kind, smart35. How many times have you said “I love you” in the past month?fuc idk36. Where did you last go other than your room/home?McDonald's for some Nugs boyeo37. Why do bad things happen to good people?The universe can b a cruel bitch bro idk38. In your opinion, what hurts more? Being left out or being stabbed in the eye?well ive been left out of plenty things and yeah they hurt but a piece of metal in me eye would be rather unpleasant 39. How many green shirts do you own?2 i think40. Do you like anime?Bleach and deathnote were all i ever watched41. What do you invest the most time in?keeping my parents alive 42. What was the name of the last book you read?"Up from the cradle of Jazz (New Orleans music since WW2)"43. What’s the difference between loving and liking someone?thats like asking me the difference between olives and like idk a burritoi like olives but i love burritos ya know44. Where are you most productive?usually anywhere as long as im by myself 45. List 3 things you enjoy doing with friends.EatingPlaying board gamesDoin shit outside46. List 3 things you enjoy doing alone.everything everpretty much47. Do you believe world peace will ever exist?Probably not48. Do you have any allergies?yea49. When was the last time you cussed at someone?today lmao50. What was the last promise you made?jeeze idk51. What was your last dream about?i was dreaming abt telling my dad how to wash clothes52. If you won a trip to Hawaii and you could take 5 people with you, who would those 5 people be?SAMM GEMI STEVE NICK N LUKAS53. How many countries have you visited?never rly been outside of the country ive been next to the Canadian border and im currently living abt 20 minutes from Mexico 54. What is your favorite medium of art? (Music, dance, painting, etc.)music first n foremost but painting comes in second56. When was the last time somebody complimented you?idk i cant remember ig56. If you switched bodies with someone, how would you recognize yourself?hair lmao57. Do you consider yourself mature?I think so yeah 58. How many days in your life do you think you have wasted on tumblr?too damn many59. What is your favorite quote?some stupid ass corey quote that ivw been saying for years 60. If you started a new religion and you had to create 3 rules or commandments for your new followers to live by, what would those 3 rules be?RespectAlways Understand different point of viewsLove unconditionally 61. What is your greatest accomplishment?Idk still to this day i think my greatest accomplishment has been being able to teach adults n children archery on the weekends and at certain festivals. I miss that62. Do you believe in the death penalty?Im on the fence about all that63. What are your goals for life?Stability 64. What do you think your soulmate is doing right now?HOPEFULLY SLEEPING65. If you could live anywhere, where would you live? The place can be in an imaginary, fantasy, or the real world.i used to have visions of a place with meadows and a large creek running through it with moutains in the bg, lots of space for fruit trees n bees66. What were you like in 2013?suicidal and just an absolute wreck of a child hnstly 67. Do you have a job?My job is taking care of my mother atm68. Tell us a story about your childhood best friend.akfhakfh His name was Ezra and my dad built his families vacation home across the street from ours so we were pretty close. I think my favorite memory was when his dad Brooke brought us out on their pontoon boat to fish. Had a lot of fun w that kid, i miss him.69. If you could change one thing about society, what would it be?THE LACK OF COMPASSION PPL HAVE70. How many all-nighters have you pulled beforeTOO MANY71. Is tumblr your favorite website? If not, then what is your favorite website?idk if i have a favorite website tbh?72. What is the craziest thing you would do for a million dollars?almost anything 73. Does money equal happiness?unfortunately in my situation yeah74. How many times have you experienced true happiness in your lifetime?6 times 75. How many times have you experienced true sadness in your lifetime?776. What is the funniest joke you have ever been told?ya had to be there kinda jokes77. When was the last time you looked at the news?this afternoon 78. If you could say one thing to the world, what would you say?pewp79. What is your favorite animal?wolves80. If you could earn a million dollars by pretending to be dead for 3 years, would you do it?oh fuck yeah dude 81. What is one thing that everyone is bad at?🤔 jesus idk82. What time do you normally sleep? How many hours of sleep do you usually get?late and not enough 83. Does age necessarily equal maturity?god no84. What is your favorite clothing store?idk tbh85. In the winter- beanies or gloves?beanies86. Would you rather have wings or a fish tail?wings87. If you had the power to erase one person from the world so that nobody remembered him or her except you, would you do it?yes 88. What do you fear the most?apparently since im a pisces technically, its loneliness 89. How many digits of pi can you recite?none lmfao90. If you could travel back to one year and relive it again, which year would it be?200591. Describe yourself in one word.Brave92. Describe your last victory.Jeeze idk im half asleep now 93. What is the weirdest thing you have ever seen?Last time i was in Phoenix i saw a rly old meth head on a scooter w a meth prostitute humping him from behind whilst smoking a cig94. What is something you will never forget?Seeing Aerosmith 💕💕95. Would you rather forget all of the past or remember everything in vivid detail?thats hard for me bc since i have rly bad dissociation i try to reply my life in my head at night so that i actually don't forget things but also i rly want to forget so its a double edged sword96. Have you ever broken a bone before?not yet! give it another year97. Is it harder to love or to hate somebody?love98. Coffee or tea?both!99. What are some little things that you do that have changed your life in a positive way?Let myself be creative unapologeticly100. How many hours have you spend on tumblr today?probably an hr and a half in total PROBABLY 2 NOW BC OF THIS ASKTHNK U❤️

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