#the biggest pain i experience with this equivalent stuff is that i am not master of all languages ever | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

omgamganapatayeom · 5 years

Text

8.23.2019

are you using the mind as a tool, or is the mind using you?

also--God speaks in stillness. God’s language is not anxiety.

the past few days have been brutal.

mind-numbing and paralyzing anxiety attacks.

coming home is tough. coming home has confronted me with with a lot of old belief systems and patterns--seeing them reenacted right out in front of you. at first, I take it personally. I feel I absorb it...it affects my energy field. I recognize that we are all on different parts of our journey. I recognize that our conditioning and environment affects us entirely. I have chosen a different path--this path is no “better” or “worse” than the other. it’s the one that resonated with me.

last week I was sick for seven days which put me in total isolation. to begin with, over the previous year when I have come home, I have a difficult time staying here. with being confronted and seeing old belief systems re-enacted, plus not feeling supported with regards to my beliefs, journey, or the person I am today, I felt unimportant and almost disrespected. I felt my life was a joke or humiliating to others. I felt scared to hang out around them because I would get so agitated, triggered, or fearful that I would “absorb this energy” and convert back to what I once was.

I choose to no longer take the actions or comments of my family members personally. I choose to recognize that that is a reflection of their own world, and this does not mean they do not love me. I choose to recognize that they are doing the absolute best they can do with what they have, know, and experience. I choose to no longer absorb the energy I do not wish to take in, and know I am safe and protected. I choose to believe that I can still hang out with them, send them love, and be in service to the world guiding them to love more.

BACK TO THE STORY: seven days of isolation led me to a shit place. I felt very depressed towards the end of last week and beginning of this week. I fully lost hope in humanity and my future. I felt like I should just die and contribute no longer to the world. I felt there was nothing here for me. I also got SUPER fearful because I was reading a book called the “Yoga of Eating” that was discussing diets. It was talking about how diets can be a range of different densities, low to high. Depending on your lifestyle, belief system, physical activity, and day to day activities, a specific density of diet can be more accommodating compared to another. for example, a high density diet (animal protein, lots of fats, processed foods) can be accommodating to living in the physical plane and the chaos of the modern world. it desensitizes you. if you are meditating all day, obviously it is beneficial to have a diet of a lower density.

this prompted me to think about my own life. I love eating a lower density diet. it makes me feel more connected to myself, my surroundings, and the earth. I feel more in touch with myself and my intuition. my mind then jumped to this thought--maybe I should just go meditate for the rest of my life. this does not sound appealing to me. and then I started this cycle of “holy shit maybe my entire journey has prepared me for this and I guess I need to trust my gut and maybe my gut is trying to tell me something.” cue a fucking breakdown! then I was questioning everything. I began to question my intuition again and what is right and wrong. my ego would get so involved and every time I would sit down to meditate I would be terrified of the answer I would receive and the idea of letting go and I noticed it would try and condition me to answer this.

intuition scares me right now though. I think it is because I am trying to learn to trust it and want to let it completely guide me. if my intuition was to guide me right now though, I feel I would still go to portland. I want to do this masters in nutrition. I'll be honest--I feel less excited about nutrition right now than I once did. over the past year, I have become more interested in the spiritual experience rather than the physical. I believe food is a bridge and connection between the physical and spiritual, the macro to the microcosm. it is a direct catalyst. what you put in your body directly affects the earth, the planet...triggers a vibrational frequency change within yourself and among the collective consciousness. each plant and food item has a spirit than I am going to get to directly work with, spiritually and scientifically. THIS MAKES ME SO EXCITED. I know that I want to anchor down and be somewhere for a bit and make friends and be in a place with like-minded people. speaking about intuition, the last large run in and anxiety episode I had with it was with Adam. so fucking hard and still learning more and more everyday regarding that. but I cannot compare these.

I guess I am most scared because I read books like “The Alchemist” or “The Celestine Prophecy” that speak of omens and noticing on the subtle signs God gives you for this big huge journey everyone is on. maybe your next big move doesn’t have to be life changing and earth shattering, though? it’s a step in the direction you want to go. you will be given the ability to be taught how to serve others. and I do want to be of service. I want to be working intentionally and in my lane to be of service to others. my biggest fear is getting there and being overwhelmed with thoughts that it’s not the right path and that I made the wrong decision and chose to go against the omens. but thus far, the only omens I have received have been anxiety attacks and threatening thoughts “if you don’t choose this then you will choose wrong and the universe will not support you and you will lose out and not be as aligned or on your track or evolve as highly.” you are going to evolve in whatever way you need to evolve. be patient. we spend LIFETIMES evolving. it’s not a race. you have reincarnated into this human experience for a reason. don’t take things so personally! possessing this type A attitude about your trajectory and evolution is harmful. the spiritual practice shouldn’t leave you feeling anxious as hell--it should bring you peace and comfort. I think this is PTSD from Guatemala. my time in Guatemala didn’t totally resonate with me, which I feel is important to note. I feel not choosing this program would be choosing fear, not love. sometimes I just get overwhelmed that I've seen and experienced a world and reality bigger than this one and that I no longer need to operate in it. but you were reincarnated here for a reason. you chose this human experience for a reason, and this time, and your family, and your environment, and your school for a reason. LIFE SHOULD BE FUN! THIS EXPERIENCE SHOULD BE FUN! IT’S OKAY TO HAVE FUN! YOU DO NOT HAVE TO TAKE THIS SO SERIOUSLY IT IS NOT A RACE AND IF YOU FUCK UP IT’S NOT THE END AND THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU MADE THINGS HARDER OR GET BLACKBALLED OR MOVE FIVE STEPS BACK YOU ARE ALWAYS EVOLVING TO YOUR HIGHEST GOOD negative emotion is not equivalent to evolution. pain is not equivalent to evolution. usually pain is a sign that you are making things harder for yourself than you should by unnecessary means. just go with the flow! I am open to all the magic and love in the Universe :) do it for your mental health!

when I try and envision my life and where I want to go, it overwhelms and scares me a bit. I think being home and depressed, I felt more lost than ever. I have my worries and doubts. I also need to remind myself that every thought and action you take the universe will conspire to work with you. I think that’s why I could be confused right now--because I have created this entire control drama surrounding this trajectory that I am assuming the universe wants me to take and am picturing this future which I don’t want which is fear-based. what is based on love? come back to love. love is the language of god, god speaks in stillness. not through anxiety. god doesn’t speak through fear, god speaks through love. you are not god and thus you do not know all the answers. but you can choose to plant seeds of magic and learn.

I also feel I have been taking all this spirituality stuff too seriously and am not having fun enough. there is a lightfulness in my body that is not always cultivated in my mind. I notice the second I am at peace, my mind is trying to find something else to attach to. “you don’t want to make a crazy life decision rn? you don’t want to run away to a foreign country? you don’t want to freak out and consider not heading to the WEST COAST and going into your DREAM PROGRAM rn and think that maybe your intuition is leading you somewhere else?” I literally type that and laugh. God is guiding me. it feels good...you don’t have to second guess it. everything will work out towards your highest good. a fear of mind is that me not being so serious about all these things will lead me to fail. you’re not going to fail. your life is a wide, open canvas. you are the artist. you have free will. NONE of us know all the answers. that is why we are here. no human knows more than another. me choosing to believe that monks are more highly evolved on a soul level and that this whole thing could be pass or fail is NOT BENEFICIAL AT ALL. it puts me in a shit place and makes me want to race and try so hard to pass the spirituality test. accept that god has his own plans for you. don’t compare your journey to others. you have certain gifts and inclinations for a reason. if something gives you serious fucking anxiety, it’s not in the cards for you right now. all you have is this present moment. maybe it is in the cards for you in the future, but this could mean another lifetime as well or maybe a past lifetime. CHOOSE LOVE.

I just do not see this not going to school as a high priority item rn

Going back to notes from Keith’s ceremony:

- you can’t have any doubt. NO DOUBT.

- Honor where you are in your journey. You can’t fuck up this life. It’s no big deal. Don’t take it so serious. You will come back and do all u need to.

- You are a healing wizard and because you are here that means the universe thought it was absolutely 100% NECESSARY you are here to do work!!

- Belief and mindset and 100% trust is 100% NECESSARY

- Trust that you know EVERYTHING. Trust that what you don’t know you aren’t supposed to know. And that’s okay and meant to be.

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