#the crushing disappointment of unmet unrealistic expectations almost chokes me

[itspileofgoodthings]

every year I look forward to my birthday so much and every year I suffer a tremendous amount on that day for at least an hour straight.

#the crushing disappointment of unmet unrealistic expectations almost chokes me #it just brings so much to the surface. all the wounds of my self-obsession. all the reality of my loneliness #the cold reality that nothing is going to fill the void inside of me if I look for it from other people #I always cry. and then I calm down and eat cake #but it’s amazing what a rollercoaster it is #like. I just have to wrestle …. sort of ALL DAY #and because it’s only once a year I learn the lessons about it slowly #I am not good at having a birthday (something normal to want and possible to achieve) #it’s just that eternal paradox that I LOVE it just …. because #I love that it IS and EXISTS #and then also like the disappointment (never to be laid at anyone’s door???? because literally people are always so nice to me????) #settles in in SOME WAY OR ANOTHER #And it’s so stupid and I HATE IT but I have to like take the disappointment. try to love it. make it a prayer #and then I can be reasonable but not a SECOND BEFORE I’ve HAD THE CRASH #it is so insane and ridiculous I am turning TWENTY-EIGHT YEARS OLD #I should NOT BE THIS WAY #but like. The secret sadness and restlessness and bitterness and tiredness and jealousy just all comes out #and I have to write a letter to Jesus before I can be okay #literally i have now done that on at least 4 separate birthdays #because I just get so distressed. and then distressed that I am distressed #But tbh maybe that is a good custom and I should think of it as a chance to talk to God more #Just—-about it all. and just say thank you and I’m sorry and I know I’m a baby #There’s a viggo mortensen quote where he talks about how he never tells anyone it’s his birthday and he just reflects on the previous year #with gratitude. and I’m just like INSANELY cool of him I wish that were me #but unfortunately I talk about it all the time to every single person that I know #and at least twice on tumblr #and then it all just gets so overwhelming that it spirals #anyway I’m kind of spiraling now but that’s just because I’m sad and lonely! #it is NOT my birthday I am just reflecting #I guess what I’m trying to say is I wish there was a way to head off the disappointment. and there isn’t