#the dosage on my antidepressants got upped and i can't tell if they're doing anything

[donnerpartyofone]

I am not handling anxiety well. I may be experiencing a protracted spike due to (my circumstances and) this new asthma medication I'm still experimenting with, which at the recommended dosage gave me a panic attack so bad it took me out for an entire day. Antidepressants and anxiety meds all make me sick or make my ears ring so bad it makes me want to [redacted]. I don't like being stoned during the day or socially or while working on anything (even creative things), and I wouldn't say it always makes me less anxious anyway. I took a course in transcendental meditation but I could never get to a point with it where it really affected me. I've found other kinds of meditation I like more, but they also don't do much for my general state, they're more fun and interesting to me than therapeutic. Regular exercise doesn't make a noticeable difference in my daily mood (besides which we're out of space, which is why we're moving). I most often just reach for a drink when I can't handle something (unless I'm having a major depressive episode, then I don't want food or drink or drugs or anything). Alcohol is the only thing that depresses my nervous system enough for me to get through certain things. This is pretty dysfunctional. Based on the frequency and intensity of my drinking no one would say I have a "problem", but I know I'm doing something maladaptive. If I had stayed at my old job I would surely have drunk myself to death. I have to spend today going over these really complicated document notes and comparing them to a couple of older drafts to prepare my statements (defenses) for a really difficult meeting tomorrow. I don't know how I'm going to get through the preparations or the meeting itself. I mean I'll do it, I have an often tyrannical sense of responsibility and I practically never just flake on things like this or do them half-assedly (which would scare me). Besides which the project has kinda been my life's work and I won't give up on it even if I absolutely feel like it. But I'm suffering under the worries of not knowing whether I can do the task successfully or whether I am Being Insane. I spent an hour and a half last night working on this email to my project partner, who is also a close friend, trying to explain what I'm anticipating with this, and also excusing the fact that I am possibly Being Insane. I got it as short and emotionally controlled as I could, and I'm sure he wouldn't be mad at me for such a thing, but I'm still worried that I can't really tell how acceptable my behavior is. Hilariously, I only convinced myself to write the email because my fucking horoscope told me not to be ashamed of making use of my relationships. In doing so I realized that in all my years of indulging, to varying degrees, in magical thinking, I never did anything specifically because my horoscope said it was a good idea. So, that's something. Maybe I'm not as far gone as I thought. Or maybe I'm only getting there NOW! Anyway I wish I had an Adderall. I am not a person who NEEDS Adderall, but I would really appreciate the intense focus and artificial confidence in completing tasks that it gave me when I tried it. If you're in my general area and you wanna give me an Adderall, I'll buy yuz a beer, or something. Fair warning though, I am possibly Being Insane!

[dogfinger]

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#the dosage on my antidepressants got upped and i can't tell if they're doing anything #the past week was pretty good for the most part #i had a good sleeping schedule and was active during the day #but today has been really shitty and i just want to lie in bed and cry #i feel so disconnected from the rest of the world and like I don't mean anything #that if I didn't approach people first I'd never spend time with anybody #god I just want to feel loved I'm dying out here #vent