#the exercises i learned yesterday i could do much easier today tho.

[surveys4ever]

26.

Have you ever been in weather below 0 Fahrenheit (-17 Celsius)? ...yes. Literally every year. There’s usually a week or two in January when it gets down to -50 to -75 F. 

Have you ever been caught outdoors away from shelter during a thunderstorm? Maybe when I was a teenager? I’ve definitely been caught in the rain, not sure about a thunderstorm tho.

What’s your favorite macaron flavor? I’ve actually never had a macaron! But I don’t like meringue so I don’t think I’d enjoy them.

How often do you have friends over to your house? Literally never.

Have you ever had a boss who acted unprofessionally? YES. The assistant manager at the last job I had was insane. She tried to tell me that I wasn’t allowed to leave town on the weekends in case they needed me. LOL girl bye.

How many times have you stayed at a hotel in the past year, and where? 0, covid.

Have you ever done a flip on a trampoline? Noooo.

What about a flip off of a diving board? I’ve never even been on a diving board.

Are you embarrassed by your school yearbook photos?  I believe in the 10th or 11th grade I hated them but I was on the yearbook committee so I finessed some new ones to put in hehehe.

Who taught you to tie your shoelaces? I believe I learned at school.

Currently how many pictures are on your cellphone? 9,008.

Do you think dimples are cute? Oh hell yeah.

Would you rather chew fruity or minty gum? Minty.

The last time you went to the mall, who did you go with? Beebs!

What’s something you used to collect when you were younger? Rocks and lip balm.

Have you watched a movie today? Yes! We went to see Dracula.

Aside from your own, whose house did you last set foot into? We went to an indoor garage sale a couple weeks ago.

Do you love soft pretzels? They’re alright. They smell better than they taste in my opinion.

Who was the last person who cried around you? Why did they start crying? Was it unexpected? Does my dog count? Bc she’s just a drama queen and I wouldn’t expect anything less from her.

Are you more likely to like someone before you really know them, or do you feel you like them more after you know a lot about them? True love is when you like them a ton before you actually really know them and then like them even more after.

Do you buy people cards on special occasions, or do you prefer to make your own? I honestly think cards are a huge waste of money so if I do give one, I made it. But I have a Circuit and I’m pretty creatively inclined so it’s pretty easy.

When was the last time you were being hypocritical? It sounds pompous but I honestly think I'm too self aware to by hypocritical.

Where on your body was the last cramp you had? Why did you have this cramp? My hip, because I was sitting weird.

What is the weirdest name you’ve ever heard? Someone I know named their kid Emanda. Unsure if its pronounced ee-manda or just regular Amanda. Haven’t wanted to ask. Another named their kid Albrea. I just call her Algebra. And another named their kid Annekke, pronounced Anika. She will forever be a-neek-ee to me.

Do you get embarrassed when people hear you sing/compliment you on your singing ability? Bold of you to assume I ever let anybody sing.

Are you good at comforting people when they’re upset? I’m the big sister to like a bajillion children. Yes I’m good at it.

Do you have any exercises you do everyday? Newp.

Do you own one of those singing fish? Do you think they are silly or funny? Hahaha I don’t but I literally just saw a Billy Bass at a thrift store yesterday. They were funny then and they’re funny nostalgic now.

Has anyone ever accused you of being bipolar or any other mental disorder? Do you really have any mental disorders? I have a pretty severe anxiety disorder but no one’s accused me of having it because like...it’s pretty obvious? 

Did you buy the last thing you bought with your own money? If not, whose money did you buy it with? Haha yes! We bought movie tickets, a drink, and peanut butter m&ms.

Do you like to put your feet up on the dashboards of cars? Do you parents yell at you if you do that in cars? Our car is too short for that but yeah, my parents always yelled at me for it when I was young.

Which Beatle is your favorite, or do you love them all equally? I wouldn’t say I loved any of them but John Lennon is absolute hot garbage.

Do you enjoy classic rock? If so, who are some of your favorite classic rock artists? Uh...not really?

Did you ever own a Tamagotchi? Yes! They were all the rage in the 6th grade.

Are you more of a dog or cat person?/ Dog, definitely.

Have you ever failed math? I very, VERY narrowly passed the last math course I needed to graduate and I did the math and because of the mark I got on my final, I should have failed by 3% but I got 1% over what I needed to pass. Pretty sure my math teacher just didn’t want to deal with me taking the course over so he passed me BUT my math could have been wrong, haha.

Skittles! What's your favorite color? Lordt. I haven’t purchased skittles in ages. I think I remember red being my favorite?

Have you ever had a dream of stabbing someone? Yeah, actually.

What would you want your last words to be if you could choose them? I would just want my husband to know how much I love him and that I’ll be waiting for him in whatever form of afterlife there is.

Can you sleep with the light on? If I'm dead tired.

What’s the most bizarre horror movie you’ve ever seen? I mean...Dracula is supposed to be a horror movie. The only thing horrific about it was the acting.

What band can’t you stand listening to? I honestly can’t think of one right now.

Would you ever take a lie detector test for your significant other? I mean, if I had to? But we trust each other 100% and I’m brutally honest about everything so he would never require that from me.

What is your favorite Mystery/Crime/FBI related show? Murder, Mystery, & Makeup Mondayssss! Sha na sha sha na sha sha na sha sha sha na shaaaaaaaa!

Would you ever have a bird as a pet? Absolutely not.

How's your relationship between you and your grandparents? I love my mom’s parents to bits. My grandma is one of my absolute favorite people in the world and my grandpa is very quiet but he has a lot of really sweet moments. My dad’s parents are awful fuckin people. My grandfather died like 5 years ago and I really had to try hard to feign sympathy about it to him. My grandmother is still kicking it but we haven’t spoken in over a decade for good reason. She also changed their joint Facebook account to just her Facebook account less than a week after he died loooool. She hated him as much as I did I think. And then my bio dad’s dad is dead but he was also a piece of shit but his mom is a sweetie. We facetime every so often and she holds the phone a grand total of 6 inches away from her face the entire time and tells me the same stories over and over. Bu

Ever had a forbidden love or lover? Newp.

Have you ever had to speak at a funeral? No, thank god.

Do you know someone who’s been cremated? My grandma’s dog.

What is your current problem? My eyes are blurry because I’m tired.

Do you like canopy beds? Tbh, canopy beds are the epitome of glamor in my eyes.

What is your favorite animated movie? Onward.

Would you rather live in a small town or a big city? I like medium cities. You won’t get mugged walking down the street, traffic doesn’t absolutely suck, and you can get clear across town in 15 minutes.

If you could summon any animal to come to your rescue, what animal would it be and why? Uh? Why am I in trouble? Why can’t I call a human? What’s happening here?

Have you ever watched The Golden Girls? I tried watching a couple episodes but it didn’t pique my interest.

Did you ever like the Ninja Turtles? Noooo. Beebs loves them though so he tries to make me love them and it’s just not happenin, buddy.

Last alcoholic drink you had? No idea tbh.

What are you known for? For being talented and having big hair.

Has anyone ever threatened you? Oh yeah. There was this one guy who was constantly sending me really graphic messages about how he wanted to put a gun to my head and kill me or he hoped I would get XYZ and die. I tried to block him but he would immediately make 3 more accounts to send me the same shit.

Have you ever gone frog hunting? Noooo.

Do you ever suffer from dry skin? Yessss. My body is the Sahara.

Do you still sleep with a stuffed animal? No, I sleep with a husband.

What’s the weather like right this moment? It’s rainy!

Do you bite on straws, lollipop handles, or ice cream sticks? Nah.

In what type of area was your first sexual encounter? Beeb’s bedroom. His stepfather interrupted and made him come outside to talk to him for some reason and then very weirdly pointed out his half boner? V. uncomfortable all around.

Where is your mother’s side of the family descended from? Somewhere where white people come from idk.

What do you occupy your time with on flights? iPad games usually.

Do you dog-ear pages in books? No, I’m not a heathen.

What’s a made up word of yours? We call pickles ‘pickies’ and hamburgers ‘borgers’ or ‘borgs’ because we’re gross.

Do you use Q-Tips? In my ears? No. To clean out tight spaces of things I've thrifted? Yes.

Ever gone out with somebody you didn’t like? Noooo.

What hero or heroine do you most relate to in history, fiction, or song? ....No.

What makes you dizzy? Getting up too fast usually.

Are your parents liberal or conservative? Bleh, conservative. If you have liberal parents, consider yourself blessed.

Do you like your teeth? Did you have braces? I got away with having just an appliance/Invisaligns but I still don’t like my teeth. They’re perfectly straight and white enough but I have body dysmorphia and for some reason I think they’re atrocious and I hate them??? I can’t explain it.

Are you happy with your height? I’m 5′11 and I wish I was shorter sometimes. Hugging my husband would be easier.

#survey

[katedoesntexist]

Stay-at-home journal 10/4/20

Yesterday:

Played some piano

Worked on programming project

House inspection w partner

Got sandwiches

Tried out Halloween makeup w varying results

More work on programming project

Today:

Usual Sunday chores

Call mom

Start actually learning one of the preludes

More programming?

Maybe another makeup test

Free space:

Its weird to sit down and learn a piece for real. Its been well over ten yrs since the last time i actively learned something rather than just sight reading it. I know ive still got the skill tho. Just need to practice how to practice. I think for now I'll learn the first prelude in book one. Seems easier and its short. Only issue is that all these european dudes had huge man hands, and i have small asian girl hands. So i cant rly play any more than an octave, and even runs of octaves are super hard (and also hurt if i do it too much).

When i first got my piano i was playing when friends came over and i think they were surprised that i could actually play, just bc thered never been an opportunity for them to hear before. None of them are rly musical so they were like wtf wow. It was a nice feeling. Id like to think being able to play at this level is something special.

Programming project is coming along. Its rly an exercise to learn react, which has been hard to wrap my brain around. But im starting to get it now i think. The thing im making is VERY basic, but if i get it complete, i will try to share it here. Also it might mean i redo that game thing i was working on a couple yrs ago. What i was trying to do was more react-y it turns out, so itd be a good follow up project.

And the halloween makeup. Oh gosh. This is my first foray into liquid latex and i dont have many colors to put over it, so its a little difficult. But as with everything, practice makes perfect (or at least less shitty), so ill keep at it. Only issue w this is using too much of my supplies before its actually Halloween.

And quick dream summary.. i was at the toystore and the mall was closed (recurring theme). I went in the back and i guess it dream-morphed into dicks sporting goods instead. And i was working there again temporarily. We were closing (its always night when i dream abt dicks) and my partner had come to pick me up. He wanted inside and i was like youre not supposed to be inside when we're closed bc you dont work here, but he was adamant. Then i went to the back office to sign out and he wanted back there too, and i kept trying to tell him it wasnt allowed, but its like he didnt believe that i had correct information. I had to yell at him, and i explained that we are counting down tills back there and he is not an employee so cant be around the money. It was upsetting that he didnt just trust what i was saying. I went in the back and tried to sign out w my number but couldnt remember it at first. Eventually i did remember (and it was the correct number irl). I woke up feeling mad at my partner, but glad it was just from a dream.

#katedoesntstayathome #katedoesntdream

[fab912]

I was tagged byyyyyy @blurryfaceimagines! To answer all these questions. Now see, I would have answered them all my phone...but I’m not crazy. So on my laptop it was lolol. Anyways

Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag however many people you want

THE LAST:

1. Drink: Coke

2. Phone call: I think my friend RV on discord (I didn’t talk but darn it it was a call lol). If not that then my mom

3. Text message: My friend Kevin

4. Song you listened to: Die Anywhere Else from Night in the Woods

5. Time you cried: Last Tuesday I broke down

HAVE YOU: 6. Dated someone twice: Ive never even dated 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: Never kissed anyone either 8. Been cheated on: Can’t be cheated on if I’ve never been involved in anything, eeeeey 9. Lost someone special: Yes/no? I mean it just hurt cause I knew em but I didn’t excessively know em. 10. Been depressed: …ya 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: I don’t drink lololol. I’m a pretty boring person

 LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12-14: Most blues, green, and a darker red (way to go me lol)

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. Made new friends: Yus! And I’m super thankful for all ya ;w; 16. Fallen out of love: Nah 17. Laughed until you cried: I wanna say yes 18. Found out someone was talking about you: I mean…if it was at work then I usually hear cause I hear all. Usually it’s just them mentioning me or something. If someone was talking bad about me, I would be like “Ouch…what did you want me to really care further?” 19. Met someone who changed you: I would say so, I think it’s mostly been good tho. 20. Found out who your friends are: I guess?? Kinda? I dunno? 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: I am a kiss virgin lol Smooch smooch ;3;

GENERAL: 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: The majority of em I’d say. 23. Do you have any pets: While they’re not mine because I don’t pay for anything of em…my family has a parakeet, some fishes, and a dog. I just have to feed em sometimes and care for em. 24. Do you want to change your name: Nah, I’m good with it. 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: I went to work. The exciting world of me working all the time, rip 26. What time did you wake up: Uh….12:43pm….listen I stayed up for late last night. 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: watching hxh with bahare and the others 28. Name something you can’t wait for: Errrr….I dunno…the day all my loans are payed off? The day I get my own room/own space? The day I get a new computer so I can draw/animate? The day I feel motivated and don’t feel like a burden ;w; 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: Yesterday night. She works today 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: That I could stop caring so much about what people think about me and that I could make myself happy. The need for validation. Whoops got too deep there lol 31. What are you listening right now: My meme song playlist on Spotify. So right now it’s Renai Circulation playing lol 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: We talking about Myspace Tom? Neighborhood friend Tom? …lol but yes I have, my 5th grade teacher was named Tom. 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: The fact that I both wanna draw and not. Too many ideas and yet when I get in front of my paper…I feel I have to draw what I “owe”….whoops 34. Most visited Website: Probably youtube due to the fact it’s what I watch/listen to at work. Then it might be Tumblr (since discord isn’t a website ;w; )

LOST QUESTIONS. I JUST PUT IN RANDOM INFO ABOUT ME 35. Mole/s: Nope 36. Mark/s: Well I have beauty marks on my face, arms, legs, hands, foot? And I have some freckles on my nose. And a birthmark on my stomach. I also think I may have a birthmark on the back of my right leg? 37. Childhood dream: I wanted to be something successful…president or doctor. Then it changed to voice actor, and then an animator. And look where I am now….none of those things lol. But I’m happy for my job, it’s in the art field! :3 38. Haircolor: Dark brown (part of the reason I just color my hair black in my drawings, it’s so much easier lol) 39. Long or short hair: Medium? Right now it’s a bit passed my shoulders, but I may get it cut to shoulder length ish soon. 40. Do you have a crush on someone: I don’t know? Like I legit don’t know. I’m like Jumin Han…like I don’t know feelings of love or affection towards others that is not meant to be friendly lol 41. What do you like about yourself: I don’t really know? I like my kindness? I would like to think I’m kind/nice 42. Piercings: My ears 43. Bloodtype: I don’t actually know 44. Nickname: Well teeechnically ‘Jacky’ is a nickname lol. But I guess Fab is a nickname too. That’s about as far as that goes lol 45. Relationship status: Single 46. Zodiac: Virgo 47. Pronouns: She/her 48. Favorite TV Show: Aw jeez….Steven Universe, Rick and Morty, Miraculous….uh…I’m sure there’s more but I’m suddenly drawing a blank 49. Tattoos: Nope! Although my mom has asked why I don’t get the Zelda triforce or Majora’s Mask. I wouldn’t cause I’m a wimp and kinda don’t want a mark, yknow? 50. Right or left hand: Right! 51. Surgery: See this is the weird thing…cause I think my mom mentioned I may have gotten a small surgery when I was suuuuper little? But I can’t remember the story? 52. Hair dyed in different color: Nope! Once a long time ago I wanted to die my hair a really dark blue. So my hair would shine blue all cool. But then I was like “nah I like my hair I guess” 53. Sport: AhahahaHAHAHAHAHA that would mean exercise. 55. Vacation: Yes plz. I mean…no yeah yes plz. I know it’s asking for a place but I would happy with a few days off of work even if I just stayed home 56. Pair of trainers: Am I that old that I don’t know that word? I can tell ya I only own like 3 pairs of shoes: my Nintendo hightops, a pair of black boots for colder weather, and some brown boot kinda things that are Converse (those are my 707 cosplay shoes, but I wear em sometimes with the pants I used for my Seven cosplay)

MORE GENERAL: 57. Eating: A peach 58. Drinking: Nothing actually 59. I’m about to: Probably force myself to draw or sketch some of these things gosh darn it 61. Waiting for: My sisters to get back from the store so we can make pasta cause I’m hungry 62. Want: A break (ok ok enough with the breaks and vacations from work lol). I dunno…food? To draw? To talk to people? All of the above!   63. Get married: I dunno. 64. Career: Well the job I have no is a career job I believe. Like I got a job in the industry right after I graduated. So I’m good being in this field tbh.

WHICH IS BETTER 65. Hugs or kisses: I am veeeeeery awkward with physical contact. So whenever someone hugs me I just kind of freeze up. And kisses, meeeeeeeeeeh? 66. Lips or eyes: Eyes are the window to the soul in my case theyre as black as my soul I mean huh 67. Shorter or taller: Taller, but then again it’s not that hard to find someone taller than me lol 68. Older or younger: I kinda wanna say I prefer people who are closer to my age? As long as they are a bit mature or can be? And by closer to my age I mean like a few years difference in both directions. I feel if they’re closer to my age then we can kinda relate to each other’s problems a bit more 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: I don’t care? 71. Sensitive or loud: If they’re a good person I don’t think it should matter? 72. Hook up or relationship: Relationship 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: I would prefer hesitant but I mean, I can’t control people. So they can be as they are. Like I said, if you’re a good and friendly person then that’s fine by me

HAVE YOU EVER: 74. Kissed a Stranger: Noooo 75. Drank hard liquor: I don’t drink at all                                                                         76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: I can’t say yeah or no. I usually just misplace em cause I don’t need to wear em. 77. Turned someone down: …yeah…in 2015 I was apparently a magnet? Or something? Cause 3 people told me they liked me in that year and one had asked me out. I turned em all down. They are all good people too but I just didn’t feel it. I felt bad for saying no to all of em, even tho it was super flattering 78. Sex on the first date: Dude, y’all would be lucky to even get a hug on the first date tbh 79. Broken someone’s heart: I mean going back to (77)…I don’t know if I did? I don’t know how much those people actually liked me? 80. Had your heart broken: No 81. Been arrested: Cops can’t catch me lololol 82. Cried when someone died: Yup 83. Fallen for a friend: I don’t know? I think it might infatuation? But I really don’t know? I’m seriously like the beginning of the Jumin Han route, like what are these feelings

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: magic? In a young girls heart lololol 84. Yourself: Sometimes 85. Miracles: Don’t see why not 86. Love at first sight: Eeeeh? 87. Santa Claus: The big red guy? Don’t think so people the easter bunny tho 88. Kiss on the first date: Listen, y’all can do what you want. I will give you a firm handshake or a pat on the shoulder/arm on the first date. If I like ya enough, you may even get a hug

OTHER: 90. Current best friend name: Aaaaaaaaah…I don’t think I have no? I have friends who are a bit higher on my list but I don’t think I have a best friend? 91. Eyecolor: Super dark brown/almost black like my soul 92. Favorite movie: See I don’t know. But I do love Yellow Submarine a lot!

---

As for who I’m tagging? These are a lot. So if any of my mutuals wanna do it so I can learn more about you? If not that’s cool too! ^^

#tagged #about me #all the answers with my sassy responses lol #or some of them that i went off on #no regerts people #blurryfaceimagines

[soovaryit]

I have to put my hands up and say that in general I am terrible at self-care. I'm definitely getting better, but when you've been in a negative mind-set for a long time, it is very difficult to recognize your own needs and when you're being self-destructive. The way you take care of yourself is going to be completely individual to you but I wanted to share some of my struggles and triumphs that probably a lot of people can relate to.  

At the point in my life where my nutrition came solely from supernoodles and wine, I would have rolled my eyes at the concept of self-care and dismissed as self-indulgent bullshit. For a long time I would read self-care posts and the positivity and simplicity of them would make me angry. I find a lot of them so reductive (i.e. the ‘just love yourself!’ ones) and some verging on abelist, with strict exercise routines and diets being at the forefront of you supposedly making yourself feel better. I am 100% not discounting exercise as a way to make you feel better – it does. But there are lots of different ways to love and take care of yourself and for me, I knew it wouldn’t be as simple as clicking my fingers and changing my attitude or getting on a treadmill.

 So anyway, the past few months I have been thinking about the importance of keeping yourself happy or at least stable by thinking about what you need from yourself and others. I could do a hundred posts on this and probably will. Firstly I’ll start with something I’ve always been guilty of doing – numbing. I’m gonna mention Brene Brown here (because I can’t go a day without talking about her). One of her great quotes from her talk on shame is ‘If you numb the negative, you numb the positive too’. And she is bang on about that. 

Everybody does something to numb reality, whether it's drinking, drugs, obsessing over exercise, excessive shopping... there are literally so many things that we do to push negative feelings to the back of our minds. I wish I was one of the people who would exercise to do that but nope. Mine has pretty much always been alcohol. And don’t get me wrong, I love alcohol, and in moderation it can be totally fine and it didn’t used to affect me in that much of a negative way, but it does now and that was something I needed to address. I used to question why I was miserable and never really looked at my own behaviour. I thought I drank to feel better like everyone else and what was wrong with that? When you're on a variety of pain meds and hormonal treatment there is so much wrong with that. Everybody knows alcohol is a depressant. So when you have underlying feelings of depression that you try and cover it up using a depressant, shit will hit the fan at some point. It’s hard to not have a crutch for when you feel like you need to escape reality, but sometimes working through the shit you’re ignoring will actually make you feel better (once you get through the hell of doing it). I still drink but I’m trying to do so in extreme moderation, and more importantly only when I actually want to and not just to socialise. When I feel like I just want get off my face drunk, I can now identify its usually because I’m stressed and/or miserable, and something I find super useful is to make a list of good, healthy things you can do when you feel really low. Even if they don't make you feel better at the time, they will contribute to making you healthier and happier in the long run and can be your go-to’s instead of something you know will be damaging. Some days I roll my eyes at my own list and decide I can't be that person today but generally it gets me through. I’m not gonna put the whole list here but it’s pretty simple things i.e. replacing bingeing on sweets to bingeing on fruit (sometimes this actually works and its pretty much a miracle on my part). Also, simply preparing to feel terrible is part of my self-care routine (that sounds more bleak than its supposed to). For example, I started my period yesterday and it's the worst pain I've had in a loooong time. The feeling that I could pass out at any minute is back (literally get black spots in my eyes and spin out if I move too quickly), my legs are almost too heavy to move and it feels like there are hot, sharp knives stabbing my abdomen. It was vaguely manageable with nefopam and a coffee (do not recommend but I didn’t sleep well) in my system but after a hazardous food shop that involved me leaning against a wall for a number of minutes trying not to black out, 2 hours later I am back in bed, hot water bottle in hand, gritting my teeth. 

 The difference today is that I feel prepared for this mentally. This is the first month that I have ever felt that way, EVER. I used my amazing period app to track my cycle so I knew when this was coming. I made sure I had lots of healthy food in the house, not many plans for a few days and had enough painkillers. I also try and get washing and cleaning done and make sure I have enough money to get cabs if I need to. It sounds trivial but these simple, seemingly unimportant things can really help when you feel horrific and the smallest task seems unachievable.

In general, paying more attention to your own behaviour and thoughts will tell you a lot about the ways you can make yourself happier. I liked to ignore mine because it was easier. Drinking heavily didn't make me happy, getting involved in pointless situationships (big fan of that word) didn't and working 3 jobs at once definitely didn't, but rather than take a step back and think about it, I carried on until I burned out and would look for external sources of blame. I felt like it was easier that way and to be honest it was, but ultimately, it left me in a state.

In terms of relationships, both platonic and otherwise, I was guilty of putting others needs before mine as well as worrying about the impressions I was giving off, rather than how I actually felt in myself. You can't give anything to anyone when you're running on empty and will often end up making both your situations worse and more negative, so concentrating on your wellbeing first is super important.  When people had suggested I think about my own behaviours and needs in the past I would think literally HOW?! my mind is like a never ending vortex of negative thought patterns that I can’t control. That’s where therapy is your beeest friend. It can be so so difficult to access therapy for many reasons and I appreciate that, but it’s usually worth the wait so try your best to stick with it or start the process if you haven’t. Anyone with a long term condition should absolutely have it because trust me it would have affected you in ways you didn’t think possible. Contact IAPT or Mind for more info on it.

Today I had my last counselling session with a wonderful lady that I have been seeing for the past few months. I equally dreaded and looked forward to each session and every week thought about how much easier it would be to stay at home. We would talk about difficult, upsetting and super personal problems in these sessions but nothing made me emotional until the last one, where she told me she had learnt a lot from me and could see the amount of strength I had from holding on to negative feelings for so long, and now seeing them as empowering.

It really took me by surprise that I didn't cry until she complimented me and said something positive, not only because I am a crier (anti-depressants kind of put a stop to that tho..), but because that to me revealed just how much of a negative opinion I have of myself. I found it easier to talk about difficult experiences and times when I had failed or felt worthless but couldn’t receive one compliment from someone who knew all the ‘bad’ things about me without struggling to believe it. That seems ridiculous and just convinces me further how important it is to keep yourself happy and acknowledge your achievements.

If I had read this a year ago I would have rolled my eyes and thought it was stupid, because I was stuck in a destructive rut that was easy to be in. I never in a million years thought challenging my own behaviour and working through situations that made me feel uncomfortable, rather than avoiding them, would make me feel positive and empowered. I don’t necessarily have any solid tips for self care, neither do I want to be preachy and pretend that I’ve figured it out and wake up everyday feeling myself (I don’t). But I have learned to wholeheartedly respect myself, just as much as I would anyone else. I’m comfortable in being alone and value my body and my mind where before I absolutely hated them. I don’t exercise a tonne and I watch too much TV but ultimately, I like myself, and recognise that all I can do is improve at a pace that feels right and accept the bad days.

‘Loving yourself’ is difficult. It takes time, work, strength and allowing yourself to be vulnerable. But you can start with paying attention your own behaviour and needs, as well as the behaviour of those closest to you (sometimes self-care involves cutting toxic people out so bear that in mind). Do what you need to do to feel at peace with yourself, and never let anyone put you down or make you feel weak for doing that, because it is crazy hard. Next post I’m gonna write a list of the super simple things I did to start feeling better but right now I have to eat a lot of chocolate and roll around in agony.

#endometriosis endometriosisawareness chronicpain chronicillness selfcare feminism femaleempowerment