#their transness was where the attraction lay 100%

[stardustedknuckles]

I am still processing last night’s encounter with sexual attraction but here have a cut so you can just keep going if you like lol.

Attraction makes you say stupid shit. I would like to return it please.

One of them was talking about dysphoria because that was the topic (it is always in some way the topic in trans support group) and she lifted her arm and said “yeah some days I’m like really proud of this and some days it feels like it counts against all the other work I’ve done” and flexed.

And I just. Fully did not have even a second to anticipate my human mouth going, “Oh please have mercy, I can only take so much.”

I caught it right at the end to avoid saying “I can only be so gay” because I didn’t want to give the wrong message being that we were specifically in a nonbinary group and they were both she/theys. That is the only self-edit I got and I don’t even think it mattered. 

I asked if the two of them were going to the restaurant after and V gave a little torn frown and said “Actually we’re going back to the gym to finish our workout. We were three-quarters through when we saw the time and-”

I think they said more but I blanked because I was suddenly imagining the two of them at the gym and fully did not know what to do with myself. This shit is embarrassing.

The next part of experiencing attraction for the first time is figuring out that it’s not wrong of me and might even come across as a compliment as long as I keep all the weird lowkey. Part of me wants to get ahead of it and just tell them hey, no sweat, I am new to this and I am not being purposefully weird. But that’s probably dumb too. Also that’s assuming they don’t know (these two are 1000% used to people being attracted to them, I promise).

It wasn’t an unpleasant feeling. I wasn’t at any point stammering or blushing and everything was fine, no anxiety, but holy shit what the fuck was that. You are seriously telling me pretty much everyone else started this process in middle school and deal with it day in and out?

On a sweeter note, I never really thought sexual attraction would also feel wholesome. It’s very different from the demi train of thought of “could I see myself getting to know this person enough to develop attraction” and very weird to have the attraction come first and not require that train of thought, but even though the attraction was definitely sexual it also felt...I dunno cute somehow. I probably have some internalized guilt and harmful ideas about attraction hanging around in me but it was nice overall. I kept fishing for the place the anxiety usually is and coming up short.

#is there a word for being a lesbian but triply so for trans women #like women used loosely in a nonbinary way not an invalidating way #they worked hard to present the way they do and they also ID with nb and it was a lot #their transness was where the attraction lay 100% #and it's true that I feel drawn to other trans people and suspected a kind of t4t thing #but it is so much stronger and way more specific in this case #personal