#there is no heterosexual explanation as to why vi was looking at her LIKE THAT and caitlyn was FLUSTERED

[girlbookwrm]

AVENGERS: CIVIL WAR

THE MIGHTY PRE ENDGAME REWATCH

it took us two entire days to watch this, back in whenever we were watching this. I’ve got a Bundle of Papers here in front of me, and the CW Bundle is by far the thickest, and that’s with minimal salt content.

Speaking of Salt: The Roommate and I had to approach this as an Avengers movie. Because otherwise the salt levels in this would be toxic, possibly fatal. Even so, ppl with high cholesterol be warned

LET’S DO THIS

1991!

Winter Soldier: 

what is this

what is this please

dat beef tho

what is this op sec

honestly

NO mask

SHINY FUCKOFF ARM just HANGING OUT

CCTV???

~ooooooo he’s a ghooooooooooooost~

he’s got an extremely dedicated and very harried cleanup crew is what he’s got

OH! OLD LOGO ILU!!!

LAGOS!!

The Roommate: That’s a lot of sugar

i ain’t judging

what, you think her powers run on optimism?

is there an accent? is there not? Shroedinger’s accent.

droney the drone

sam’s lil sky roomba

i love him

guhhhh this scene every line shows character and growth and i just *clenches fist*

did

did falcon just throw steve

just yeeted him at the enemy?

god i love that

also: has steve bulked up since TWS?

that’s also on Sam, yeah?

CUT THE CHEEEEECCCCK

is this fucking NEUROTOXIN? STEVE WHERE’S UR MASK?

Steve, throwing himself into a room full of an unknown poison gas without a mask: I bet i can survive this

Bucky, in Bucharest: *breaks whatever he’s holding without knowing why*

god i love sam

“I don’t work like that no more” Means ?????????????

PARKOUR NAT

is also BRUNCH MOM NAT

“both grunting” is always one of my favorite subtitles

2 white boys fighting in the middle of the street like it’s a video game

god someone took the murder strut to heart wow that is some. that is some something that’s for sure.

give me even one (1) heterosexual explanation for "your pal your buddy your bucky"

there’s no way that bucky ever said this, right? this is just Rumlow fucking with steve, and the screenwriters fucking with us

because IN CASE YOU WERE NOT IN THIS FANDOM IN 2016, WE ALL THOUGHT CAP WOULD DIE IN THIS MOVIE

WE WERE SO SURE

wow i wonder if that will be relevant to anyone’s emotions here in the year of our lordt 2019

anyway, what bucky actually said was:

“please tell rogers... that he’s a big dumb dildo and he should wear a gas mask and also a parachute.”

listen i love this opening scene but also wanda is not at all responsible for this explosion and the fact that they act like she is undermines my ability to suspend my disbelief.

DIGITAL ENYOUTHENMENT ALERT

also, tony the fact that you are using your literal dead mom as an actual therapist is

wow

BARF feels right to me

too real, tony

it’s too real

how ARE you getting around the strings and taxes tho

Also can i say that i actually love that Pepper’s absence is this profoundly important to the story. The hole where pepper should be is a huge part of this story and i like that. i like that a lot.

WOW THAT EXTRA IS LIKE A MASHUP OF NAT AND WANDA. SHE IS THE GENERIC MARVEL WHITE LADY

more a+ visual storytelling with the elevator

I’m just so mad that they blame wanda and play that straight?

all they had to do was outright acknowledge one (1) time that the media is picking on her because she’s a woman/a foreigner

imagine that speech coming from nat instead of steve

though i do love Steve’s pep talk

again. give me one (1) heterosexual explanation

though why not have Steve say “they’re just bullies, you did the right thing” and hearken back to smolsteeb

The Roommate: Remember how i was mad at his Oscars Velvet Blazer? I am also mad at this sweater.... it looks... so soft... i don’t know if i want it on him or off him... just wanna tuch....... and wear..........?”

Vision’s Ascot is. Something else man.

The Roommate: Why is ross secretary of state?

Me: Why is Trump President

Me: I bet Ross is vegan

the roommate, who has vegan-related trauma: UUUUGGGHHHHHHHH

Nat's reaction to vigilantes: Bitch please. she is Unbothered.

you don’t have to show us footage we’ve got the ptsd nightmares

400 pages in 3 days

[tired american sighing]

we honestly can’t even criticize this plot point anymore just

[my longest and most american sigh]

CLEVELAND!!!

hail hydra continues to be the Most Terrible last words

but WHY does ross have the congressional medal of honor

do you know how HARD it is to get one of those????

yeesh

sassy black friends sassing at each other

is definitely a

thing that is happening rn

Vision: Well Actually

no one cares, vis

ok like

a kid is dead but

3.6 is an okay GPA

maybe all my friends are overachievers

maybe it’s just because most of them are women but like

it’s an okay GPA

i’d have 8000% more respect for Tony if he was more upfront like “look this is on me” especially here

are we supposed to be picking all this up as subtext, actually?

because i know that this movie ALSO had a Troubled Youth ala ant man

and i really do appreciate the Russos for relying on a smart audience but there’s a lot going on

and it’s very obvious to me that they had to shift gears 18,000 times in the script writing phase

so like, you’ve got old man vet steve

but it’s painfully obvious that he missed vietnam right?

like

it’s painfully obvious

and he’s v egotistical and self righteous too 

it IS a battle of the egos

and no one is right

except natasha

Steve: i have to go

me: mood

LONDON!!!!

oh god

oh god no

steve god no steve oh god

gfhskfdjjjksjdjjhrrrrhrhhrhfhh [wailing and rending of garments]

Re Peggy’s age:

SURPRISE IT’S ACTUALLY PLAUSIBLE

so the True Hallmark of a Cap Movie is Peggy telling steve what to do.

so weird to have that in an avengers movie

i do love this. GOOD BRO NAT CONTENT

Um. is vision a minor? is wanda?

again, nat is the only Correct one here

stay together guys

it might be

reeeeeeaaaaally important in 

*checks watch*

two years’ time.

~hug~

VIENNA!!!!!

CHAD WICK! CHAD! WICK! CHAD! WICK!

god i love the xhosa in this

There is a level of worldbuilding in this that we p much only get from the russos/markus&mcfeely. i mean -- internal consistency worldbuilding? if that makes sense? we get a lot of visual worldbuilding in black panther, but this is distinctly different and hard to articulate and it has to do with the way they approach things and how they assume audience intelligence

it just works for me

oh no chadwick boseman don’t be cry

Sharon deserves better

than being cockblocked by her own aunt

and also sam wilson (who also deserves better)

cryptid!bucky

Nat did you get that suit from jenny agutter?

LA Brunch Mom Nat

mah girl

she’s just so tired

steve (bless him) is just so exhausting

couples date sam and steve dressed to match

“at the gym”??? really? the arm is... a bit of a giveaway

i do feel bad for zemo in this one specific case

russian IS hard

how. did he get that in there?

Soft Plumboy Bucky

BEEF

Captain’s Log: Buck’s place is a shithole

Sergeant’s Log: Steve’s face is pretty

surprise bitch

“That’s Smart, Good Strategy” is an excellent phrase to use in everyday conversation in order to weed out who Knows and who Doesn’t.

What i have learned from civil war: 

Captain America is a projectile weapon

further query:

did bucky ever hurl small steve at assailants?

Bucky: *punts steve down an alley*

Steve, 90 lbs of rage at 90 mph: GET WRECKED

Bucky’s got big tommy wiseau cryptid energy here

And now there’s a cat

bucky:

I love this vampire running and also bucky’s thighs

Steve Rogers: Excuse me sir I need to commandeer this vehicle. YEET.

Bucky Barnes: Excuse me sir I need to commandeer this vehicle. YOINK.

Bucky and Steve: Wrecking your morning commute since 2014

WAR MACHINE!!!

god vis has the biggest dorkiest crush

so vis are you a child prodigy? or? what?

The Roommate, a cinnamon roll, too good for this world, too pure: vis have you eaten anything between CW and IW?

Me, sinnamon roll, not to be trusted: *dying* *thinking about how Vision’s got schroedinger’s dick. does it exist? does it not exist? who knows.*

Me: Y. Yes. I th. think he has. eaten something. between now and. and IW. something.

The Roommate: *betrayed look*

Me: DEEP FRIED KEBAB MAYBE? I DON’T KNOW.

The Roommate: *is so disappointed*

BERLIN!!!!!!

Bucky is. So tired. Let him rest.

fucking up the morning commute again i see

u like cats??

I love the ratio of overkill:ineffectiveness with this glass box they put him in.

why did tony  bring these fancy pens

the time spent explaining them could’ve been spent doing literally anything else

*i still don’t understand the accords*

GOD STEVE WANTS TO BE AN UNCLE SO BAD

“my fault”

there it is

“truth is i don’t want to stop”

THERE it is

“i thought the accords could split the difference”

THERE IT IS

"no, i don’t.”

THERE IT IS

“IT’S INTERNMENT.”

THERE! IT! IS!

gah.

wanda’s accent et al -- MAKE IT EXPLICIT MARVEL YOU COWARDS

no but really what are the accords

here followed a 20-30 minute convo about the accords

basically the summing up was:

Nat is 100% Right Ross is 100% Wrong Everyone Else is In A Grey Area

look this is actually a really good avengers movie

but

this is a moment when the back catalogue works against them because this conversation is so -- it implies a lot of friendly interactions between these two. they seem to have a relationship

but i keep looking at all the other movies they’ve interacted in like

BITCH WHERE? WHERE IS THE TONYSTEVE FRIENDSHIP? WHERE???

i am anticipating this will cause me A Grief later

The Roommate, looking at Steve in his Grey Shirt and Jacket: Damn, sir. Stop wearing clothes.

“BIRD COSTUME???”

“j a m e s”

big holt talking to rosa vibes there

“I don’t wanna talk about it.”

A VAST AND MIGHTY MOOD

Zemo’s plan is so ridiculous i genuinely don’t have time to get into it i still have two pages of notes to get through holy shit.

this fight scene. does things. for me.

hhhHNNNNHGH BEEFSTEAK

(oh tony left with no suit? growth dot gif)

THIGHS

T H I G H S ! ! ! !

CHADWICK!

Sam out here, serving looks, casually modeling

B I C E P S ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

TOO SEXY! *crashes helicopter*

I need twelve more scenes of steve and bucky faffing about in the water.

A more effective restraint than the custom made bucky bottle

(BRIEF 1991)

haaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAa biceps u stop that

Is Tony having a heart attack???

he has no concept of how to treat children because he never was one oh no i gave myself a sad feeling

QUEENS!!!!!!!

“I’m having a big fight in a parking lot with my superhero friends better go pick up a child as backup.” - tony stark

tony he doesn’t have a passport and if he understood what was happening he would not be on your side

Now That’s What I Call Vigilantism.

Why are you bringing a CHILD to a gun fight

Tony’s face, to me, suggests that he knows EXACTLY what he’s doing

also? it’s painfully obvious to me that these scenes were copypasted in late stage when they finally found out that yes they would have the rights to spiderman lol

for some reason they don’t feel the need to tell is that this is avengers compound in 400 point font

i’m so lost

where are we?

without the 400 point font i can only assume we are on mars

THAT’s a fine way to greet YOUR FATHER, WANDA

hawkeye is in fact the team lynchpin

is it

ugh

is it because they listen to him but he listens to natasha

ugh

i bet it is

UUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH

Vision: I have been FALLING! for THIRTY MINUTES!

“i know someone who does”

i’m confused by the cut here, because it seems to imply that Sharon, deliberately or inadvertently, rats them out to natasha?

Birds and raccoons do not get along

steve

steve no

steve

ur timing is shit steve

Scott Lang might be the best thing in this movie

well except for Dat Bone Structure

CUT THE CHEEEEEECK

*costume change in a parking lot to the yakkety sax soundtrack*

Thinking about the coming battle i am forced to concede that Iron Man Has A Point?

“do you really want to punch your way out of this?”

Steve: I ALWAYS wanna punch my way out

god scott’s such a fukkin nerd

tiny quibble but Scott “got punched by hope van dyne” lang would never say that to the black heckin widow

“gimmick”

um

people in falcon houses shouldn’t throw spider stones, samuel

wanda

those cars belong to people

oh god iron man has a point

LET’S GO LESBIANS! COME ON LESBIANS LET’S GO

*catfight sounds*

“then why did you run?”

dude you attacked me in a catsuit

Tony’s true superpower is that he knows steve, that’s how spiderbabby gets the upper hand

althought god

Tony was pre-gaslighting peter

he was pilotlighting peter

*my longest UGH yet*

“Queens?” “Brooklyn”

MAXIMUM NEW YORK ACHIEVED

ant man is the MVP

hmmmmmm “we don’t trade lives” HMMMMMMMMM

why did that truck explode

also *omg iron man has a point*

tony tedward stark how did you not know how old this child was

also peter stop pretending you don’t know what Empire Strikes Back, AT-ATs and Hoth are.

why doesn’t Vis get more flack for this

hey. hey tony. you know what sam is? A MEDIC. maybe let him LOOK AT YER FRIEND THERE instead of SHOOTING HIM IN THE FACE.

zemo’s plan is noooooonseeeeennnnnnsssse

guh these two beautiful men emoting in different directions KILL ME

this doctor is just like “yup there’s a giant purple robot here seems legit”

natasha is the only one who’s 100% right

did... did the russos kill themselves in this movie? did they cast themselves as dead extras? was this a statement of some kind?

HOW did ross get the congressional medal of honor. H O W.

“you read it”

NO ONE READ IT, IT’S 400 PAGES

tony this is Some Nonsense

ffflslkds he’s taking one of Nat’s guns KILL ME

one (1) heterosexual explanation.

rode back in a freezer truck

got pneumonia

already had pneumonia

and you blew three whole dollars on some slut

(seriously. gimme one. i’m waiting.)

srsly tho, whether you ship it or not, these two are old marrieds

the red star looks weird on his beefcake arm. did they forget to scale it up?

KITTY

listen zemo is just really turned on by cam and he didn’t mean to say that and that’s the most relateable thing he’s done so far.

It’s not just that bucky killed his mom. it’s that bucky killed his mom AND STEVE KEPT IT FROM HIM.

life alert a senior citizen has fallen

T'Challa, observing this White Nonsense™: I truly should... check myself. Before! I wreck myself.

agism is what it is

god this bit

steve dropping the shield

look at him

he is Stick A Fork In Him D O N E

Rhodey really deserves better than this? He deserves development showing the evolution of his opinion between here and IW

i wish we could get more of him grappling with this

that said

gosh wouldn’t it fucking suck if Cap and Bucky got relegated to End Credit scenes in their own got damn movie to make room for Iron Man to emote at his buddy his pal his rhodey?

*looks directly into the camera like i’m on the office.*

Anyway.

Steve rogers: getting the last word in every argument since 1918.

“from the bottom of my heart: My Bad.”

#The Mighty Pre Endgame Rewatch #cacw

[sun-summoning]

part i | part ii | part iii | part iv | part v | part vi

part vii: in which sasuke gains an ally

The next morning, Sasuke woke up in a sea of multiple unnecessary pillows. He hated beds like that. Like what was the point. Those tiny pillows were mostly annoying and not good enough for sleeping on or cuddling. 

He fought through the purple blanket he was swaddled in and when he turned to the side, he saw Naruto on the other end of the bed. He groaned, waking Naruto up. 

Naruto blinked, confused and disoriented and probably just as hungover. “Did we...have sex?”

“What?” Sure, Sasuke got a little too wasted the night before, but he had a pretty good memory of the events that led up to him falling asleep on the balcony among a stranger and his succulents. “No, you idiot!”

“Oh, thank god.”

They heard a snort and looked to the doorway, finding Ino leaning against the frame with a bowl of cereal in her hands. She spooned some into her mouth, regarding them groggily. “You guys are still here?”

“We’re leaving now.”

“Good.” Ino gave Sasuke a look full of distaste that was easy to miss through all the aching his head and arms and legs felt. “You’re an asshole, Sasuke.”

Sasuke shrugged and wondered if she had a point. “Okay?”

“Like how dare you--”

“Not that I disagree,” Naruto cut in, “but what did he do?”

“What did he do? Ha!” Ino put her bowl down so she could cross her arms to fully embrace the full on bitch look she was probably going for. “He got too drunk!”

“That’s a thing?”

“And then he made my friend take care of him all night!”

“Ooooooh!” Naruto crowed, waggling his eyebrows.

But Ino smacked his arm. “Not like that, you perv.” Ino rolled her eyes. “No, asshole over here got so drunk and passed out on my balcony so Sakura had to take care of you.”

Sasuke considered Ino’s words, ready to tell her that she was as delusional as she was shrill, but then realized that shit, wait, hold up. She was right. Sasuke got drunk. Sasuke got super drunk. So drunk that he couldn’t really walk anymore and that he got overly warm but his sweater was too much of a pain to remove so he just dealt with it and then he found some succulents and he promised them a good home but then he failed them and then he failed himself and then some girl came by and she gave him water and she was really nice and she had pink hair and--

“Wait.” It took Sasuke a little longer to process the information. “Your friend took care of me? Your friend...Sakura?”

“Yes.”

“Sakura.”

“Yes. Why?”

Sakura. Ino’s friend Sakura. Sasuke didn’t think Ino had many friends named Sakura. It was a wonder she had any friends at all, really, with how loud and obnoxious she was. But Sakura. Sakura.

Sasuke got too drunk and adopted some succulents and right when he was going to take them with him on his quest for true love or whatever, Tinder Girl found him instead of him finding her. Tinder Girl touched his cheek and gave him water and he fell asleep on her shoulder. 

Sasuke felt like he was going to faint, so it was a good thing he was still in the bed.

“Your drunk ass moved around all my plants -- one of which is missing, by the way!” Ino complained. Tired of standing, she sits down beside Naruto. “Then you fell asleep! You’re lucky she’s ridiculously strong because I would have left you outside overnight.”

Sasuke’s breath quickened as he recalled Tinder Girl declaring she could benchpress him. And calling him scrawny. Did she call him scrawny? He wasn’t scrawny. 

“She had to haul your ass here,” Ino continued, gesturing to the purple bed that Sasuke now realized was probably hers. Then she turned and glared at Naruto. “And then for whatever reason you came and joined him and I had to sleep on the couch!”

“Sorry?”

“You better be.”

Ino and Naruto ran through their usual banter as Sasuke tried to process everything. Tinder Girl was there. Tinder Girl was with him last night, talking to him and checking on him and then helping him find somewhere safe to sleep. Sasuke shook his head and when he looked to the side, he found the succulent that he’d chosen as his favourite on the night stand beside his phone and wallet. Even better, Tinder Girl had plugged his phone in to Ino’s charger.

Damn, this girl was perfect.

“I have to go,” Sasuke said, shooting up from the bed. He pocketed his things and gently picked up the succulent, manoeuvring it so Ino wouldn’t notice him plant-napping it.

“Where are you going?” Naruto asked.

“Tinder Girl. I need to find her.”

“Who the heck is Tinder Girl?” Ino shook her head. “And since when did you use Tinder?” Her voice takes a different tone, the way someone’s might when they’re obviously lying about something they already know. Sasuke would call her out but he has bigger problems to deal with.

“Wait. Where’s my other shoe?”

-

Soon after, the three of them went out for breakfast. Sasuke pointed out that Ino already had breakfast so Naruto clarified that while he and Sasuke were getting breakfast, Ino was getting second breakfast and that was okay too. Naruto and Ino sat beside each other and while Ino made a show of saying she wasn’t hungry whilst making sure Naruto was getting something she liked enough that she could steal from his plate, Sasuke kept busy by scrolling through people’s photos from last night and then watching some Snap stories.

“Why are you doing that?” Ino asked.

“Because maybe she’ll be in the background.”

“Who?”

“Tinder Girl.”

Sasuke hadn’t even looked at her through that entire exchange, so Ino turned to Naruto for an explanation.

“The love of his life,” Naruto said.

“Oh, yes, great.” Ino smiled primly. “So helpful. Thank you.”

“No problem.”

“I was being sarcastic!”

“I found her!” Sasuke slapped the table in his excitement, getting the attention of the other people around him. He didn’t notice though, too busy holding his phone out for Naruto and Ino to see. 

“That’s...Sakura.”

“Yes.”

“Sakura Haruno.”

“Yes.”

“She’s my best friend.”

“Yes.” Sasuke looked like he swallowed something particularly sour. “I am aware.”

“I...I love her.”

“Wait.” Naruto frowned. “What kind of love?”

Ino smiled and winked at him. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Well, now I’m definitely going to worry about. Ino, I’m sorry, but if you stand in the way of my best friend finding the love of his life, I’m going to have to fight you.”

“Oh, relax. Tragically, she and I are both heterosexual.” Then she looked back at Sasuke, her serious face back on. “But you. What the fuck are you doing?”

“Yeah, Sasuke.” Naruto snickered. He obviously found amusement in Sasuke’s discomfort. “Tell Ino what you’re doing.”

Sasuke glared at Naruto and kicked him under the table for good measure, but then Ino yelped and Sasuke realized he kicked her instead. He figured he should apologize, but since it was just Ino, he decided not to bother wasting the breath. 

What was he doing? 

He was trying to use all the resources available to find the woman who eluded him. 

He was trying to find true love. 

He was...trying to win a bet to prove that he wasn’t a complete failure. Sure, those weren’t Itachi’s words, but Sasuke could hear subtext when it was there. In that moment, Sasuke almost laughed, because it hadn’t occurred to him in quite some time that his search was largely sparked by Itachi offering to pay his rent if he could do this because he didn’t think Sasuke could. So did that mean he wasn’t doing this for true love? Was he doing this for true spite? Was he doing all this to spite Itachi? 

Sasuke considered his actions so far -- freaking out Hinata (although to be fair she just lacked a spice), breaking in to Juugo’s house (but like seriously lock your door), whoring out Naruto (granted that was a failure) -- and decided that spite wouldn’t exactly be very surprising as a motivator. 

Or maybe he was just obsessive? 

His mother always said he had a one track mind, but not in the way Naruto did in his endless to chase anything with a skirt. No, he just...fixated. Not very frequently, but when he had a goal in mind, Sasuke stuck to it and did whatever he needed to accomplish it. Maybe he wasn’t trying to spite Itachi. Maybe he was trying to prove something to himself? So was that just selfish then? 

Honestly, did any of this even matter? 

During his moment of reflection, Naruto deigned to recap Ino on everything, starting with Sasuke accidentally swiping left for Sakura on Tinder and all the other wonderful things that happened after. 

“So you found Sakura on Tinder, huh...”

Naruto made sure to include every embarrassing fact, but Ino was too busy pursing her lips and looking down at her breakfast. Or, technically, her second breakfast.

“Why do you look like that?” Sasuke asked. He gestured to her with his cup of coffee. “All...constipated. Contemplative. Whatever.”

Ino took a bite out of her toast and gave him the finger. She looked like she wanted to tell him something important. She reminded him of that one asshole in every zombie movie who got infected but didn’t tell anyone and was thus putting everyone at risk. 

What was she hiding? Something pertaining to Tinder Girl, sure, but that was a given consider she was Tinder Girl’s best friend.

Then she smiled, the pull of her lips insincere. She shook her head. “Nothing,” she replied oh so sweetly. 

“Oh, come on,” Naruto whined. Apparently he’d seen the look of constipation on Ino’s face as well and decided that constipation wasn’t actually the case. “What are you hiding?”

“Nothing.”

“Ino!”

“Nothing!” Ino repeated. But then she winked and Naruto and whispered, “I’ll tell you later.”

Naruto grinned and nodded and Sasuke gawked at them. “Are you serious?”

“You bet I am.”

“I’m not here for your approval,” Sasuke told her. “And I’m not here for you to have your dumb jokes.”

Ino smirked. “Then what are you here for, Sasuke?”

“Well, I mean...breakfast.”

“Wow.”

“I’m going to find her,” Sasuke declared, “and then we’re going to go on a date. Or something.”

“Or something?”

“Yes, or something.” He rolled his eyes. “I’m not gross like the two of you.”

"Screw you!”

Before they could bicker further, other members of Team Sasuke seemed to arrive, and judging by the way Naruto was waving at Karin and Shikamaru at the door, he was probably the one who invited them. They crammed their way into the booth beside Sasuke as he shook his head at Naruto.

“Why do you keep inviting people to our discussions!”

“Because they liven things up.”

“How?”

“I’m sassy,” Karin piped up.

“And I’m...” Shikamaru paused to think of the right word. “I’m snarky.”

Sasuke huffed and pointed to the two across from him. “And I guess she’s Bitchy and he’s Dopey?”

“You’re being very rude for someone who always needs our help,” Karin pointed out.

“I don’t need your help!”

“Your first in-person glimpse at Tinder Girl was at my party.” She nodded at Ino. “And your second one was at hers. Which, by the way, we told you would work for drawing her out.”

“That wasn’t--she wasn’t--” Sasuke sighed, defeated, because fine, sure, he actually needed his friends throughout this entire process. “Whatever.”

“Why are you being so difficult?” Karin asked.

Something snide was on his tongue (specifically “Why are you being so difficult?”) but Sasuke stopped himself and sighed. Why was he being difficult? Was this self-sabotage? Was he afraid of actually meeting Tinder Girl or something?

He looked up and found everyone staring at him. “I don’t know,” he admitted. 

“Is it because you’re scared?” Naruto reached across the table and laid his hand over Sasuke’s. “It’s okay to be scared. It’s a good kind of scared--”

“Okay, no,” he said, yanking his hand away, “that wasn’t an invitation to talk about my feelings.”

“Then why don’t we do what we always seem to have to do for your sorry ass,” Shikamaru suggested, “and make a new plan.”

“Sure,” Sasuke agreed, just as Ino said the same thing. He couldn’t help but regard her with surprise. He’d honestly expected to have to fight her like she was the dragon guarding the castle Tinder Girl was locked up in. “Really?” 

She shrugged. “I mean this could be good. Sakura needs to get laid.”

Karin nodded. “I agree. Not in the sense that she’s a wound up bitch. More so like…she deserves it.”

“Wait, then why would we set her up with Sasuke?” Naruto asked, ignoring Sasuke’s stare of disbelief.

“What the fuck, Naruto.”

“He’d only disappoint her.”

“What the fuck, Naruto.”

“Because Sasuke is an asshole, but he’s good-looking,” Ino explained, also acting as if he wasn’t there. “That means she’ll give him a chance, but she might just end up dumping him. The point is, she’ll get something out of it.”

“What the fuck, Ino.”

Karin ignored Sasuke and raised an eyebrow at Ino. “You’re strangely okay with all of this. She’s your best friend and he’s...Sasuke.”

“What the fuck, Karin.”

“Eh, it’s not like Sasuke is some random loser,” Ino said. “He’s just a regular loser. And besides,” Ino continued. “We actually know him. He’s a jerk the majority of the time, but I know he’s not some serial killer.”

Naruto frowned. He squinted at Sasuke then turned to Ino. “You don’t actually know that though.”

Shikamaru tilted his head and examined Sasuke. “Nah, Sasuke isn’t the type to be a serial killer. Maybe a regular, one-time-only kind of killer, but I think after the first one he wouldn’t want to have to bother with a second. And then to maintain the pattern for a third would probably be too much.”

Sasuke didn’t even bothering asking what the fuck this time, settling for just glaring. 

“Okay, that’s enough,” Ino said. “Okay. So. The point of these little meetings. We’re supposed to help Sasuke find and woo his...Tinder Girl?”

“Yep.”

“Basically.”

“I’m just here for the drama.”

Ino nodded. “Fine. Clearly trying to meet her at parties doesn’t work because you drink too much, so I’m just going to settle for something simple and classic.”

“And what’s that?” Sasuke asked.

“A date, you fucking dolt.”

The simplicity of it all kept Sasuke quiet.

“She’s my best friend,” Ino explained. “I’ll tell her I’m setting her up with a guy I know. She might put up a fight because she doesn’t exactly trust my judgement--”

And for that, Sasuke liked Tinder Girl even more.

“--but I’ll find a way to convince her.”

“I...” Sasuke swallowed thickly. Being so close to reaching his goal made him nervous. “I like this plan.”

“We can go on a double date!” Naruto suggested.

“Or we can go on a triple date!” Karin added. She looked at Shikamaru and they agreed they’d go on a date together for the sake of watching Sasuke make an ass of himself in front of the girl he’d tried so hard to find. 

“No,” Ino said. 

She tried to smile at Sasuke, but it was just a weird twitch of her lips that made him wonder, for a split second, if she might be having an aneurysm or something. Then he realized she was aiming for kind. Or, if not kind, just not mean. She was aiming for not mean.

“It’ll be just Sasuke and Sakura.”

“I have to get ready,” Sasuke suddenly said. 

“For what?”

“For fate. Or something. I don’t know. Shut up.”

He tried to stand but was trapped in the booth and just ended up hitting his thighs. He pushed Karin and Shikamaru so he could get out. He began walking away from the table, ready to take on the day, ready to maybe do a bit of studying, ready to freak the fuck out.

Sasuke immediately sat back down at the booth, this time settling beside Ino and Naruto.

“Fuck,” he breathed, missing the way they all looked at him with both confusion and annoyance. “Wait.”

“Now what?”

“Shit.” 

“Communicate, Sasuke. No one has understood a thing you’ve said in the past two minutes.”

“What if she’s one of those girls who say they’re not like other girls?” Sasuke worried. He actually looked pale. Or well, paler than usual. “Or like, what if she self-identifies as quirky? What if she’s vegan and slips that into every conversation? What if--”

Ino rolled her eyes and shoved him out of the booth. “Get out of here, idiot!”

-

That night, Sasuke found himself on campus studying. This wasn’t too uncommon amongst students considering midterms were coming up. 

After breakfast, Sasuke received a text from Karin saying he owed her money because he left without paying for his stuff so she had to cover him. He waited and waited for Ino to update him, but figured that obviously she couldn’t tell Tinder Girl about him yet. Right? Of course not.

And what would Ino even say to her? 

“Hey, Sakura, remember that drunk mess you took care of last night? He wants to go on a date with you. Yeah, I know, he’s kind of a loser. Yeah, I know, he thinks he’s a succulent whisperer or something.”

He said he was going to get ready, but upon stepping out of the diner, he realized he had no idea what he was getting ready for, so he went home, showered, and went back to sleep. Upon waking up at four in the afternoon and ignoring Itachi’s disapproving stare, Sasuke had something to eat, grabbed his bag, and left to go study.

It wasn’t about the bet anymore. It was about succeeding in school, about not being a disappointment, about spiting Itachi. And, obviously, it was about love--

“Hey, would you mind if I sat here?”

Sasuke tried not to visibly cringe. Because midterms were coming up, all the tables were taken and it was totally normal that someone would want to share his table. He tried not to groan as well as he wondered if they might tried to make conversation. 

Then he actually looked up.

It was Tinder Girl.

Sasuke was, somehow, breathing normally. He nodded and he tried not to stare at her too obviously as she set her bag on one of the chairs and proceeded to pull out her laptop and some books. When she was settled, she looked at him. Really, truly looked at him. Then she paused.

“Oh, it’s you!” She smiled and Sasuke’s heart skipped a beat. “I see you’re feeling a lot better now.”

He cleared his throat. “Yeah,” he replied smoothly. He looked away hoping to hide the blush on his cheeks. “I...yeah.”

She laughed a little. Fuck, she was so cute. “Well, I’m glad. You didn’t seem too well.”

“I drank too much.”

“Classy.”

“I try.”

“And did your succulents make it out okay?” She shrugged. “Or well, technically, Ino’s succulents.”

“What?”

“The succulents.”

“What?”

“Well, as I was tucking you in, you made me promise to bring back your best buddy succulent so you could bring it to a better home. I literally had to go back and forth twice because apparently I grabbed the wrong one the first time.”

Sasuke cringed and wondered if he could just die from embarrassment. 

“Although to be fair, Ino’s actually really great with plants and you probably should have just left the succulent there.” She chewed on her lower lip as she mulled over her thoughts. “Then again, succulents are pretty idiot-proof.”

Naturally, that shook Sasuke out of his stupor. “Are you saying I’m an idiot.”

Sakura laughed. “No, no, of course not. I don’t even know you.” Then she held out her hand. “I’m Sakura, by the way.”

Social propriety dictated he shake the hand being offered. Normally he would do so grudgingly, but this time he was eager. Were his hands sweaty? Shit, probably. But his fingers were resting on his keyboard and there was no way he could somehow discreetly wipe his clammy palms on his jeans before shaking her hand. And now he was taking too long. Crap.

Hoping he wasn’t repulsive, he shook her hand and introduced himself. “Sasuke.”

“It’s nice to meet you--”

“I have to go now.” 

He blurted out the words before actually processing them in his head. He had to go? Did he? Uh, no he didn’t. But he said the words so now he had to go. Sakura was staring at him, clearly confused by his behaviour, and so he decided that he definitely needed to go. 

Shit, was this that self-sabotage again? Was he scared? That “good kind of scared” Naruto was going on about? What did that even mean?

“Oh.” 

Sasuke was too busy shoving his textbooks and and laptop back into his bag to check if the disappointment he swore was in her voice was also on her face.

“Well, okay then.” He glanced up and she was smiling at him. “Good luck with your studying then!”

“Okay, bye.”

Sasuke grabbed his stuff and practically ran out of the room. When he was outside and walking home, it occurred to him that everything was going perfectly fine and then he just ran away. 

What the hell was wrong with him? What the hell was he even doing? Fuck, no wonder he couldn’t make any decisions without any help from his friends. 

Maybe Naruto’s double date idea wasn’t so dumb after all.

-

tbc

#fic #tinder au #i lied one more chapter