#there’s this dumb (self-inflicted 💀) stressor that’s been Haunting me for over a year

[snickerdoodlles]

.

#there’s this dumb (self-inflicted 💀) stressor that’s been Haunting me for over a year #I’ve been nearly non-verbal from it for the past six weeks #will be Forcing myself to face it by Tuesday #on one hand: nearly sick just thinking about it #on the other: told myself to think about how nice it’ll be to FINALLY take this weight off my mind #and nearly threw up/saw stars just thinking about the relief #realizing just now that there’s a trend in some of the self-sabotage issues/habits I haven’t been able to kick #I’ve been under some brand of crushing stress for So Long that I. idk what it’s like not to have that #i think the last time I was genuinely relaxed about something was when I was…….13? #I’ve cracked so much and so often under stress but it’s also been something that’s holding me together yknow?? #not sustainable nor advisable nor a lot of things #but I’ve been surviving it so long I. idk what I’d do without it #not that the stress is going to disappear it’s just going to take a new form #but the thought of removing this specific piece of stress in this specific shape #hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh #i know it’s the thing that’s been holding me back from a lot of stuff but still #my demon but also my companion yknow #oof #idk what this is just. had to get some thoughts flowing