#this feeling that nothing matters and I'll stay in this purgatory of suffering but not about to die and comfortable enough where things don'

[broodyjoey]

Fucking gonna off myself living in this dang house I can't fucking be arsed with this shit

I hate existing because of this place, I wish I could be as lucky as my other friends who have found themselves some place else to be,

my friend who got punched and choked by her abusive mother, she got herself a rich boyfriend and she stays in his house and her elder brother's new house when her bf does long work trips, my other friend's mother finally came to retrieve her from her abusive father and she stays in a big house now.

Only me and one of my close friends have to stay in an abusive house with no way out, he has someone to hold on to tho. He has a lover in the west.

I have abusive ex's (1 went to jail) and have to stay in an abusive home.

Justice? Wtf is that? Dunno, might be a mythical creature.

I don't think I'll ever see the light in the end of this dark tunnel anymore. I'm giving up, I've gotten hope and given up so many fucking times... I can't count it anymore.

No matter, I feel numb now.

Numbingly sad.

So not totally numb yet. I'm thinking maybe I should smoke or sniff something... But maybe not, I have a addictive personality.

I wish I had a partner that wouldn't sexually assault and/or physically assault me. I fantasize and dream that I can stay there and live a happy life, having a place to put my belongings.

Or my partner has a relative where there's a safe place I can stay in the guest room, have my own room, do my own thing, have privacy for the first time in my life.

I can't even be in the toilet in peace in this current shit place, in my fantasies I can be in solitude in "my" room. A room of my own to stay in.

No more pain, no more sudden attacks, no more disturbance in the toilets. No more throwing my clothes just to make way for a fucking hoarder that doesn't even wear those fucking clothes.

I can do what I've wanted, too long too afraid of being caught doing something I wanted to do. I don't even have my own personality because having my own thoughts means getting punished. Because it goes against what my narc mom wants.

Always have to be the quiet punching bag, mustn't make a sound when they lack money or they'll hurt you.

Life not worth living, just like walking around in hell.

I'm scolded for eating too. They don't care that I starve and ache.

I just want to be loved safely in a person's arms. So lucky are my friends and sister that they have a nice partner that has space for them in their home.

Me? I'm just suffering with no hope. In this shit house, shit trauma from exs, in this shit life, got SA'd before I even got my 1st bf/gf, 1st bf only wanted me because I could replace his favorite gf, my life has been nothing but in vain.

In my religion, material goods are vices and you should let go of these. Well, without material, I would have jumped off the roof. It's because of all the merch I bought, so I stay and fight. Because of the mobile games I play, bcs of the dress I want, bcs of the food I want.

That's why I'm still alive, and I save up for it so I have a goal to live for these. Without material, I would've died long ago.

Maybe the real escape to this hell and purgatory is death? I dunno if this life is real or this is just a shit simulation on how fast can I escape this. Sick fuck created an escape room and called it life. Maybe that's what this shit existence is...

At this point, I'm so mentally ill from so much pain, that I need to come up with theories to cope with the pain. Because if this is all there is to existing, then why am I made to go through all this?

Why am I a guinea pig in the emotional distress and physical abuse tolerance experiment and why am I put into the group where all the bad things happen?

This is secretly the bad place like in the show "the good place" right?

#tw sa #tw // sa #tw abuse mentions #tw // abuse mentions #tw sui ideation #tw // sui ideation #tw depersonalization #tw // depersonalization

[xiao-nomine]

* You are filled with DETERMINATION. And DEPRESSION? * ... * Plus friends. * ... * ... * ...How did you even manage that...?

#yay for sometimes finding the best way to explain things is with game stuff #uh it'd be p neat to see someone do something with this because I can't cause my computer is broke but #don't mind me simi venting with something overdone and probably done already #...I just realized the 3 I identify with most are... well... short #I'm starting to think part of me really misses being shorter because then I wasn't so easy to spot like when I was younger #I'm just tired I guess #I'm tired of being terrified #I'm tired of the entirety of my being forcing me to run #even from things I can handle sometimes #I'm tired of getting in my own way time after time #and having people tho are nt or have a good support group and medications to the point you almost can't tell they aren't tell me #all I need to do to fix everything is stop running. #because clearly doing my best to cope with how my life is out of my hands and I clearly can't handle taking care of it when it is in my hand #isn't enough to justify running from everything? #this feeling that nothing matters and I'll stay in this purgatory of suffering but not about to die and comfortable enough where things don' #don't really change #sometimes even when I try to drown it in soda and whatever sugar I can find it's still there #eating at me. #and if one more streight white guy with a job and a strong family support system try's to say it's easy to get better and get a job or you #just have to take whatever you can get because you can't be picky for your first job or you just need to fight for it #I'm going to scream. #because it's not #do you think is easy being like this? #do you know how tired I am of having to validate my existence as a person sometimes? #who do I even fight to get things in order? #heh if I even could fight. #I have a fighting spirit but you know its mangled and I wish I wasn't so scared #sometimes I'm painfully aware of everything and all the ways things could go #all I see in my future is this loop and bad ends unless someone can get me out but... #I fear it's too late for me to recover enough to not be a useless waste of space in a reasonable amount of time