#this is absolutely not me saying i regret top surgery because my mean aunt told me i look thinner btw. I don't regret it for any reason

[transmalewife]

I don't think I fully have a conclusion to this yet, but if I don't write this post while the experience is still somewhat fresh in my mind, I never will, so here goes.

I was never *very* fat, let's say. I didn't have the kind of body you probably imagine when you think of plus size afabs (in huge part because plus size models don't actually look like that either and wear padding to achieve the same unrealistic beauty standards just sized up, but that's a discussion for another day.) I've always had narrow hips and bony shoulders, and I put on muscle quite easily, so when I was a kid and still able to exercise, before all my chronic illnesses hit me like a pile of bricks in my late teens, I looked like this: Long, slender limbs sticking out of a rectangular torso with a fat belly and unreasonably massive tits. Even later, I only ever hovered somewhere around the "noticably bigger than average" mark.

I take the time to explain that not as some sort of weird flex or trying to distance myself from the "real" fatties, but to acknowledge that I only ever got a small taste of the fatphobia experience. But still, it was always a thing. I got bullied and mocked for it as a kid, by classmates and family. I was made to hate and feel ashamed of how my body looked, forced onto diets for as long as i can remember. developed at least disordered patterns of eating because of it. I had trouble finding clothing that fit me, especially bras. There was only one store I could find that carried my size and at times in my life i outgrew their sizing too. It ruined my posture, both mechanically, simply because the entire weight of my chest, unsupported by a properly fitting bra, hung from my neck, and indirectly, because I'd slouch to hide it. One time I literally got laughed out of a store by the staff after asking for something in my size.

So I grew up being constantly told, directly to my face by people I knew, and indirectly by media, that I was fat, and that it was a bad thing. and not just by itself, or because of health (though that was certainly often used as an excuse) but specifically because it made me ugly. and as we all know, a girl's greatest failure is to look ugly. I was lucky enough to stumble on body positivity very early, and I moved past that by myself, accepting my body how it was, understanding that beating myself up about how it looked would only lead to more suffering, that dieting doesn't work, and that the road to health cannot be paved by insecurities and shame. it took me half a decade after that to understand why the one part of my body I couldn't make peace with was my chest, despite accepting every other stretch mark and fold, because I simply had dysphoria.

It's a complicated place to live in, psychologically. Big tits are supposed to be hot, but in reality, if they make you look fat, if they don't sit on top of an hourglass figure and aren't pushed up to oblivion all the time, they're just more kilograms of fat you can be made to feel guilty about. You're punished for not being feminine, because you have to be pretty to be feminine, and to be fat is to be ugly. but big tits are supposed to be the compromise you get, feminine by default. you're supposed to appreciate that, but I didn't. I hated it because I don't want to be feminine in the first place because I am not a woman.

I got top surgery last year. Started wearing binders regularly two years before that (and coincidentally lost a lot of weight because I moved to a place where I could stop eating things I'm allergic to). And people's perception of me did change, but not how you'd expect. I wasn't seen as more masculine with a flat chest, at least not by everyone. I'm now seen as skinny, therefore pretty, therefore feminine. People who don't know I got top surgery, or before, didn't know I was binding, tell me how beautiful and feminine I look since I 'lost weight'. Even those who do know, and try to respect that I'm trans don't tell me "wow you look like a boy who's never been to the gym in his entire life", they tell me "you now have the figure of a supermodel" with the feminine suffix in our language.

I was at the thinnest I've been in a long time around my surgery, out of stress and exhaustion, and I've since gained enough weight to surpass what I weighed with my tits then, (because of a bunch of unrelated medical stuff) and yet no one has made a comment on it. Family members who used to point out and criticize every bit of extra fat i'd put on, supposedly because they worried for my health, now don't notice it at all, or even praise the way I look. (This isn't the same, but feels similar to when those same people praised how i look when I lost an unhealthy amount of weight in a short time because I was severely ill.) Strangers on the street look at me differently. Sometimes they call me slurs for gay men, but most often they adress me as ma'am and are nicer than they were when they saw me as fat. "Women's" clothing fits me better than it did before.

skinniness is so strongly weaved into our cultural vision of beauty and beauty is so inseparably tied to femininity, that literally getting masculinizing surgery can make you look more like a woman. Being fat in many ways excludes you from gendered society. Fat men and women both gravitate to neutral t shirts and pants because it's often all they can get that fits them. Fat women are seen as more masculine because society deems them ugly and fat men as more feminine because round, soft bodies are considered 'effeminate' (it's a bit more complicated here since skinny men, as in those that don't have much muscle, are also seen as more feminine, though women so skinny they look angular instead of curvy, as is expected of them, also get told they look like boys. there's many layers to all this.).

Performing any gender to society's satisfaction is harder when you're fat, because neither dresses nor suits are easy to find in those sizes, let alone binders that actually work or, I imagine, gaff underwear. the general image society has of a nonbinary person, while newer, is also usually 'thin to the point of androgyny'. The beauty standards that we are forced to conform to or be ostracised are so rigid, and weight is such a crucial component of them, and we need to talk more about the damaging and often unexpected ways they intersect with queer presentations and trans bodies.

#eating disorder tw #vomit tw #fatphobia #trans #mine. #this is absolutely not me saying i regret top surgery because my mean aunt told me i look thinner btw. I don't regret it for any reason #and if anything part of me likes those reactions too because I am not immune to internalized fatphobia #i need a queue tag

[vamillepudding]

Bad Bargains Part 2

Everyone’s reactions to this were so incredibly flattering, thank you so much !! This is part 2 and what I hope to be a semi-satisfying ending to this story. (Again: Also up on Ao3) I tried writing comfort, but it ended up being angst, because I’m a moron

Enjoy !

**

Before the doctors take Tommy into the emergency surgery, his hand catches Alfie’s wrist. The drugs haven’t taken effect yet, but his mind feels fuzzy anyway as he asks: “Will you be there when I-“ He catches himself before he can actually finish that question, already regretting that he opened his mouth in the first place. It would seem that two – three? – days in captivity were already enough to lower his defences, to make him careless. Fuck. Hopefully Alfie hasn’t even heard him right.

Or he’ll blame it on the morphium that he can now feel slowing down his thoughts. Is Alfie saying something? He can’t make out the words. But if Alfie doesn’t want to stay, then that’s fine, he decides, and gives in to the sweet promise of nothingness for the next hours.

**

The sun has set by the time Alfie is done dealing with the immediate aftermath of that rescue mission. Ollie has disappeared off to god knows where (if God were in the habit of knowing such trivial things or, indeed, things in general, which in Alfie’s experience he isn’t) and everyone else has finally gone home.

It turns out that Jon Bailey owned a couple of Birmingham race tracks that are now Alfie’s race tracks. He doesn’t feel bad about this. If he hadn’t taken this opportunity to expand, someone else would have.

Now that all is over and done with, he just wants to go home. Home means London, means Camden Town, but at some point along the line, it has also begun to mean Tommy. So if that means spending some time in Birmingham, so be it. His people can handle things on their own for a few days.

To make good on that decision, he goes straight to the Shelbys’ house where he lets himself in with the key John foolishly left lying on the kitchen table yesterday, and enters Tommy’s room before anyone can spot him and complain. Tommy is reading the newspaper, because of course he is. Probably reckons that the worst thing about his capture is that he’s no longer up to date on which politician screwed up again.

But then he lowers the paper to look at the intruder, and Alfie thinks that no, not even Tommy can be that casual about what happened, not with a bruised face like that, not with that look in his eyes.

“And suddenly there came a tapping. Did Arthur let you in?” His speech isn’t slurred. Alfie doesn’t know why he thought it might be, after the surgery that would have taken care of that cheekbone. Tommy’s words are as clear as ever, able to tear a man to shreds if he isn’t careful.

“’Tis the wind and nothing more, except it’s also me, coming to check that you haven’t ripped those stitches out yet and gone back to work.”

“Not just yet,” Tommy says. “Don’t suppose you’d agree to bring me a glass of that whiskey over there? – No, didn’t think so” he adds when Alfie instead takes the bottle from the table in the corner and pours its content onto the floor.

“So,” says Alfie, sitting down on the chair next to the bed and leaning his cane against the wall, “how are you feeling?”

“Stop that.”

“Stop what?” he asks, as if he doesn’t know perfectly well. “Wanna know what I think?”

“Not particularly,” Tommy says coldly. “Maybe you should go, eh? Been here far too long.”

“Fucking hell. That’s a nice way of saying thank you, that is. Better get some more sleep, this perpetual state of wakefulness can’t be good for you. Or the people around you, for that matter.” The chair isn’t very comfortable, but it’ll have to do. Alfie makes sure to take off the hat and his overcoat before making himself at home.  

“I think I asked you to go.” Tommy is doing his best impression of a man ready to kill someone with his bare hands. Alfie is overcome by the sudden urge to kiss him, but has a feeling that any attempt to get close to him would result in a fist to the face. Not entirely undeservedly, perhaps. So instead he just props up his feet on the edge of the bed.

“Can’t go while it’s cold outside, mate. I’ll fucking freeze to death in this weather.”

“It’s summer.”

“Oh, I’m cold-blooded. You don’t want to send me into my own personal damnation, do you, Thomas?” Alfie asks as he takes off his waistcoat, too, and pointedly closes his eyes.

Later that night, he is woken by a scream, and promptly falls off his chair.

Tommy is thrashing and turning. It’ll only be a matter of time until he opens the gunshot wound if he carries on like that, so Alfie gets up and does the first thing he can think of, which is to physically hold Tommy down and force him to cease his movements. At first, it seems to work: Tommy goes still instantly. But then the shaking starts, and now Alfie is starting to think that maybe his method wasn’t the best course of action after all.

“Tommy,” he tries. “Wake up, love.” More shaking. He almost wishes that it really were winter, that he could blame this on the cold. Tommy’s eyes snap open after a few more agonising moments of waiting. “You weren’t there, earlier,” he says, the words barely more than a hoarse whisper. “I asked if you’d be there, and you weren’t. I thought-“ He doesn’t need to finish the sentence for Alfie to know exactly what he thought. This isn’t a conversation either of them need to have right now, though.

“Go back to sleep. We’ll talk tomorrow.” Fuck it, Alfie thinks, and gets into bed with Tommy.

When Arthur comes in the next morning to check in on his brother, he finds him still asleep, tightly wrapped into Alfie’s arms.

**

When he woke up in the hospital, the first thing he noticed was that Alfie wasn’t there. He didn’t even have time to time to panic about that, though, because then he noticed who was there instead.

Aunt and nephew looked at each other. It was Polly who spoke first.

“I wasn’t going to pay.”

“I know,” Tommy said.

“Arthur wanted to. But Shelbys don’t pay ransoms.”

“I know” he repeated, because he did know. Because he agreed. Because this was what Polly herself had taught him, once upon a time.

She moved to leave then, having delivered her message, but turned around one more time. “Don’t die. This family needs you.”

And that’s just the thing, isn’t it? Nothing of what Polly told him is news to him. He knew it when he was 10 years old, he knew it when he was beaten up by a bunch of men in a dark room, and he knows it now, two days after the rescue, when he’s lying awake next to Alfie.

No point in postponing it any longer. Might as well get it over with. After all, this is what Tommy has spent almost 48 hours working up his nerve for.

He reaches over and gives Alfie’s shoulder a shake, then another one until the other man grunts: “For fuck’s sake, don’t you ever sleep?”

“Alfie.”

There must be something in the way he said it, because the owner of that name now sits up, instantly alert. “What’s wrong?”

“You spoke to my family, planned to break into that warehouse. You needed them to do it. You must’ve spoken to them.”

“I did,” Alfie agrees, his wariness detectable even from the other side of the bed, every part of his body radiating vigilance.

“They told you the situation, but you must’ve already known about that. They told you the demands, but you must have had that figured out already, too.”

“What can I say? I’m a smart bloke. Always did get top marks in school, I did. Bet you did, too, eh? Yeah, I can see it in your eyes. You’re a smart lad, too.”

He doesn’t allow himself to get distracted. Not now. Not with this. “Polly told you that they wouldn’t agree to anything Bailey wanted,” he guesses. “She told you they would try a rescue if the benefits outweighed the risks, but otherwise, you’d be on your own.” It’s a shot in the dark, but just like Alfie believes he can read Tommy’s eyes, his own eyes, too, tell a story. “You have a business to run too. You knew she was right. So my question is, Alfie – what were the benefits of all this? What did you get out of it, eh?”

For once, Alfie doesn’t immediately answer. Then, slowly, like the words are being forced out of him:

“I did take over his racetracks, but-“

And just like that, he’s not in any pain anymore. He stopped taking the prescribed pills immediately and spent the past two days hurting practically all the time. Now he’s just numb. To test this, Tommy absently touches his cheek where they remodelled his cheekbone. Nothing. What a curious sensation. He pokes harder still and discovers that he appears to have lost the ability to feel anything at all.

“-stop that,” Alfie snaps. “As I was saying, if you’d fucking bothered to listen, I may have benefited a tiny bit, but really if you look at the grand scheme of things, it is absolutely fucking clear to any man who’s not a fucking moron that I did not come looking for you to gain some fucking tracks.”

“Of course not. You rescued me out of love, eh? The great Alfie Solomons, rushing to the rescue of the love of his life.”

“And what if I did?”

“Then I’d say you’re a liar on top of everything else.”

Alfie stands up so fast that his cane hits the floor with a loud thud. “Yeah, you know what, Tommy? Fuck you, mate.” And just like that, Tommy is alone again, thinking, absurdly and against all reason, that Alfie has never seemed more attractive than in this moment.

**

Sometimes Alfie wishes he’d drink. Everyone else in his life does (which isn’t that surprising, considering his place of work), and from what he can gather, it seems to be everyone’s favourite way of escape. Well, that, or sex, but neither of those are options.

So because Alfie isn’t in the habit of drinking or fucking people that aren’t Tommy, he just wanders through the depressingly bleak streets of Small Heath, thinking of the way Tommy cried out when the bullet hit him. It was a necessary move, and he’s always had good aim, but he keeps thinking of the What If – what if the bullet had struck just a few inches to the left, what if Bailey had moved in the last second, what if Tommy will now forever associate that scar with Alfie.

It's not a nice thought, but if Alfie doesn’t wallow in self-pity he’ll surely think of their last conversation instead, and then he’ll get angry.

He's trying so hard not to get angry.

They didn’t break up. It wasn’t a breakup. If Tommy thinks it is, well, then he is clearly wrong, isn’t he? Because if their relationship ever did end, it – alright. It would be exactly like this, wouldn’t it, seeing as Tommy is one manipulative son of a bitch and Alfie allows himself to be provoked way too easily. It would appear that even after more than a year, he still hasn’t learned his lesson.

Neither, apparently, has Tommy.

If he did drink, Alfie thinks this would be the moment where he’d down his glass of rum to prepare for the confrontation lying ahead. Things being the way they are, he’ll just have to choose the less dramatic route of simply walking back to the house.

That’s alright, though. For Tommy, he’d walk a lot longer if he had to.

He'd walk to the edge of the world and beyond.

**

Tommy ruins things. Usually with neither purpose nor malicious intent, but that doesn’t change the inevitable results. He ruins things, and one day soon he’ll have everyone whom he ever meant anything to pushed away. He’ll be all alone with his thoughts then, no one to distract him from them for even a minute, which is perhaps the worst kind of punishment there is.

When that happens, he’s not going to last very long at all.

In retrospect, he probably should have known that his relationship with Alfie wouldn’t last either. He did know, knew it from the very beginning. But then the occasional fuck turned into a weekly one, turned into spending whole weekends together, turned into surprise visits and late-night phonecalls and games of chess and taking walks and trying to figure out when Alfie’s birthday is and then spending a couple of weeks silently panicking about whether a gift would be inappropriate or appreciated.

Falling in love was never the plan, but then, neither were most things in Tommy’s life. And like most things, this, too, has turned into a monumental fuckup.

Alfie is probably on his way to London by now. He has half a mind to call Ollie. Just to inform him that his boss might be in a bit of a mood when he gets home. Then again, that would presuppose any hurt feelings on Alfie’s part, which Tommy isn’t too sure about. Annoyed that he lost a quick screw, maybe.

Maybe he’ll send a card soon. Just let Alfie know that their business partnership still stands. Or should he offer something more? Alfie did save him. Granted, he did it for his own advantage, but Tommy still owes him, and he can’t stand the thought of owing anyone anything. Perhaps he can give Alfie a better deal on the rum trade he has with the Peaky Blinders. Well, he’ll see. Next week will be soon enough.

He feels better now, his mind clearer. He has a plan, and plans are good. It’s almost like he’s finally regained control – over himself, his love life, the business, the whole fucking world.

All of this crumples to pieces when Alfie walks back in.

“Shut up.” As far as conversation starters go, this was one of his nicer ones. “I can look into that pretty face and know exactly what you’re going to say next, because I have recently acquired the power of mind reading. Funny business, that. So if you were going to tell me that you expected me to have hit the road by now, you can just shut your fucking mouth and listen.” Tommy, faintly embarrassed, stops himself from saying that exact same thing, and raises an expectant eyebrow instead.

Maybe this is where -

For once he doesn’t have a pessimistic prediction on what’s going to happen next. Whatever Alfie is going to say – there is no way it can make things worse somehow.

“I got you a gift,” Tommy blurts out, and Alfie stops dead in his tracks.

“You what?”

“A gift. For your birthday. I know it was in May, and that we don’t do this sort of thing, but Ollie told me, so I got you a gift.”

“It’s August,” Alfie says, dazedly, like the conversation has gotten away from him. Maybe it has, for the first time in his life.

“I know.” He’s had it since April, actually, but then on the day of Alfie’s actual birthday Alfie didn’t say anything, so Tommy didn’t say anything. He’s had half a mind to dump it inside the river a number of times. But he never did get around to it.

And then, something odd happens. Alfie starts to laugh. It’s the laugh of a man who feared he lost everything and discovered that this, indeed, is not the case. He laughs, and laughs, and when he’s done he comes to the bed to kiss Tommy on the mouth.

In the first moment, it’s like he’s back in that room, like this is one of Bailey’s goons taking liberties.

But there is no force and no blood, no bugs crawling under his skin at the mere notion of it.

Alfie, clearly noticing him freezing up, stops and pulls back a little in order to properly look at Tommy. He doesn’t ask if he’s alright, which somehow helps.

Is he alright? Tommy isn’t sure. During the whole time he was captured, it didn't seem like the situation was worth getting truly upset over. There were other things to do, like trying to escape and trying not to die.

Now, he’s achieved both of those. In a few days he’ll take up the paperwork again, and as soon as he can walk without keeling over, he’ll be back on the streets.

There is no question about this, no counterargument to be made. Tommy can move on, so he will.

And really, isn’t that what it’s all about?

So he buries his fingers in Alfie’s hair and succumbs to the kiss, and finally feels like he’s left that room behind.

**

Arthur knows that historically, he’s not been a great brother. One time, back in school, an older boy beat Tommy up. Just caught him after class, beat the shit out of him, left him lying in the mud. It should have been Arthur’s job to take care of this. He didn’t. Never got the chance to, seeing as the following day, Tommy took a razor with him to school and made that boy regret ever laying a finger on him. Said boy never did it again. Didn’t have any fingers left, did he?

The point is that Arthur wants nothing more than to keep his family safe. And ever since his mum let Arthur hold the bundle of blankets that was his brand-new little brother, the latter has been a part of that family.

Him getting kidnapped is unacceptable. And yet again, there is nothing Arthur could do about it. Again. This time, Tommy didn’t have a razor, but he had that insane guard dog also known as Alfie Solomons, who is just as deadly.

He knows, too, that Tommy would never blame him for his lack of action. Somehow, that makes things worse. Tommy should be angry, should be absolutely fucking livid about his big brother’s failure. But he isn’t, and hell if that doesn’t make Arthur feel even guiltier.

He hovers in the house until he hears Alfie leave Tommy’s room, waits until the other man has gone down the stairs, then puts his hand on the door handle – and hesitates.

He goes to the Garrison to have a drink instead.

**

On Christmas Eve, an old lady named Catherine Bailey opens the door to find a bouquet of flowers delivered to her.  

#alfie x tommy #i'm still so surprised every time people tell me they like my version of Alfie #i always feel like he's the weakest part of my writing #so thank you !!

[pinkamour1588]

Holy shit this is a lot of questions

Tagged by the lovely @outside-the-government. Thank you, love!

Tagging: @t-hy-lla, @goingknowherewastaken, @engineeringtrashcan, @lucyclairedelune, @captainsbabysitter-blog, @darlinleonard, and anyone else who wants to do this because I have a short attention span and am trying not to tag people who’ve already been tagged or who have already done this.

Also putting this under read more, because seriously, this is a lot of questions.

1. Drink? A lot of lemonade. That’s my go to drink. Alcohol wise, I like hard ciders, moscato, and vodka.

2. Phone Call? I avoid them at all costs. Only make them when I absolutely have to.

3. Texting? My go to method of contact.

4. Last song you listened to? Uhhh, “Ground Control (feat. Teagan and Sara)” by All Time Low

5. Last time you cried? I can’t remember. Maybe two weeks ago?

6. Dated someone twice? I’ve never dated someone even once.

7. Kissed someone and regretted it? No. I’ve never kissed anyone. Unless you count me forcing one of the neighbor boys to kiss me when I was like 8.

8. Been cheated on? Nope.

9. Lost someone special? Yes. My grandpa my senior year of high school.

10. Been depressed? Many times.

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up? Thankfully no. I’ve never gotten that drunk.

Favorite Colors

12. Dark purple

13. Watermelon pink (like a reddish pink)

14. Orchid

In the last year have you…

15. Made new friends? Yeah. You all.

16. Fallen out of love? Nope.

17. Laughed until you cried? I don’t think I've ever actually cried laughing. Laughed so hard I can’t stop laughing, yes. But I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard I cried.

18. Found out someone was talking about you? Don’t think so. If I did, I blocked it out.

19. Met someone who changed you? Yeah, again, you all.

20. Found out who your friends are? Maybe. I had a friend stop talking to me out of the blue with no explanation, but other than that, no.

21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list? See #7

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know irl? All of them? I mean, I only friended people who I knew. I don’t really know a lot of them well anymore. Plus, I never really use Facebook.

23. Do you have any pets? A cat named Maui.

24. Do you want to change your name? No.

25. What did you do for your last birthday? Ok, this sounds a little like bragging which I hate doing. I was actually in Hawaii for my 21st birthday. My grandma wanted to take my family there so we planned the trip so we’d be there for my birthday. At midnight, my sister, brother, and at the time soon to be brother in law took me to a bar and I got a cocktail. The next day, my mom woke me up staying she was making French toast. Ten minutes later, my sister came in and said “We’re making mimosas. Get up if you want booze.” (Not even exaggerating about that).

That afternoon, I got to go on a helicopter tour of part of the island we were staying on. Then later we (my grandma, parents, siblings, siblings SOs, aunt, and uncle) went to a bar and got drinks and a whole lot of appetizers that ended up just being our dinner. And then we had cake and I opened presents back at the condo we were staying in.

I would like to be clear that most of the time my birthday consists of hanging around the house, going out to dinner, birthday cake, and then opening gifts. It’s a hell of a lot more mundane.

26. What time did you wake up? This morning? Technically, I woke up twice. Once at like 6am and then managed to fall back asleep around 7am, then woke up again at 11am.

27. What were you doing at midnight last night? Watching @auduna-druitt write.

28. Name something you can’t wait for: My birthday.

29. When was the last time you saw your mom? Like 2 seconds ago. She’s sitting across the room from me.

What happened to 30?

31. What are you listening to right now? @auduna-druitt typing? And a desk fan.

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom? Probably. Can’t think of any off the top of my head though.

33. Something that is getting on your nerves? The hot weather. And earlier I was commenting/complaining about people saying they’re antisocial when they mean they’re asocial.

34. Most visited website? Probably Tumblr and AO3. Oh, and Pinterest.

35. Hair color. Auburn. And I have a natural blonde streak on the underside of my hair at the very nape of my neck.

36. Long or short hair? Long hair. It goes down to around the band of my bra.

37. Do you have a crush on someone? Fictional characters, yeah. People in real life, no.

38. What do you like about yourself? My eyes. And my empathy.

39. Piercings? I have both my ears double pierced, so two piercings in each earlobe.

40. Blood type? I think O+...I’d ask my mom but she knows I’m doing a question post so that might be weird.

41. Nickname? Don’t really have one. I believe that Audie has nicknamed me kit-kat. But, yeah, I don’t really do nicknames.

42. Relationship status? So ridiculously single.

43. Zodiac? Leo.

44: Pronouns: She/Her.

45. Favorite TV Show: Is it weird if I actually say Star Trek TOS? I don’t know. I watch a lot of things. I’m trying to get into TNG or any of the other series, but I’m having a hard time getting into them. I’m kinda going through a phase where I’m not super into any tv shows. I like SVU.

46. Tattoos? Nope.

47. Right or left handed? Right handed.

48. Surgery? Uh, I’ve had to get teeth pulled when I was like 11 (they were all baby teeth)

49. Piercing? See #39

50. Sports? I like watching hockey. That’s pretty much it.

51. Vacation? I want to travel to a lot of places, but I don’t have any planned.

52. Pair of trainers? I need to buy a pair of converse since that’s pretty much all I wear.

53. Eating? I just ate a quesadilla with ground beef taco meat.

54. Drinking? Water currently.

55. I’m about to? Uh, don’t know.

56. Waiting for? My birthday and the contacts I bought because I’m almost out and the order I made from Ulta.

57. Want? A boyfriend. More friends. A job. To know how to talk to people. I want a hell of a lot of things.

58. Get married? Yes. It’s always been something I wanted.

59. Career? Don’t know what I want to do as a career yet, but I do want one.

60. Hugs or kisses? I’ve never been kissed, so I’m gonna go with hugs until find the right person to kiss.

70. Turned someone down? No. Never had the opportunity to.

71. Sex on the first date? Absolutely not.

72. Broken someones heart? No.

73. Had your heart broken? No. At least not romantically. I’ve had friends hurt me.

74. Been arrested? Nope.

75. Cried when someone died? Absolutely. Like instantly after my dad told me my grandpa had passed away I was sobbing.

76.. Fallen for a friend? No.

do you believe in…

77. yourself? Sometimes.

78. Miracles? Maybe. I’m not really sure.

79. Love at first sight? No. I believe in attraction and/or infatuation at first sight, but not love. Not the kind of love that lasts.

80. Santa Claus? My parents didn’t do the whole Santa Claus thing when I was growing up. So no, I don’t and never have.

81. Kiss on the first date? Like would I do it? Probably not. It would depend on the person and how well I knew them before.

82. Angels? Maybe.

83. Current best friends name? Rachel. And she’s fucking fantastic and my resident chemistry nerd and doesn’t have a tumblr unfortunately.

84. Eye color? I have total heterochromia so I have two different colored eyes. My right eye is blue. My left eye is green.

85. Favorite movie? I’m down to watch Star Trek anytime. I also watch Harry Potter at least once a year. And I loved Wonder Woman.

[purplesurveys]

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so, how's life? It’s kinda in the middle. I bought gifts for my Gab’s family and I went from having P4000 ($80) to measly P250 ($5) but it’ll be SO worth it because I got them stuff that they really wanted. I don’t even regret losing that much money because I found it fulfilling to be buying gifts for a family that I do love.

[huge, pulsating trigger warning] On the other hand, I went into a panic attack and started hyperventilating when my mom scolded me the other night. She mocked my breathing the entire time and told me–in the middle of my panicked breathing–that I was crying over something small. She also tried to wrestle my phone away from me and I have claw marks on my arm from that. So life at home is preeeetty fucking good, if you ask me. how many hours of sleep would you say you got last night? I think I made it to six. what's the last book you read, was it good? I don’t remember the last book I read, dude. what color are the walls in your bedroom? White. do you have pictures of your friends, and family in your bedroom? Friends, yes. ‘Family’ fuck no.

do you have posters of celebrities on the walls in your bedroom? Yeah several. who is the last person you said "just leave me alone," to? I think it was my mom. Ugh I hate having to call her that can I just call her abusive grumpy woman who lives under the same roof? ever had a really bad sunburn? When I was a kid yeah. The ones on my shoulder hurt theee most. I don’t get sunburns at all anymore. who is the last person to ask you out? Gab but that was like a year ago. what is the last amusement park you went to? Legoland in Malaysia, four years ago. I’m not too big on amusement parks. do you think a lot before you go to sleep at night? Sometimes. It really depends on my mood or how tired I am. if so, what is it you think about? ^ Usually something that happened within that day. do you agree with people when they say "Hate is a strong word?” I’m the person that says that haha. My grandmother taught me that throughout childhood so it’s been ingrained in me and I avoid the word ‘hate’ when it comes to people I personally know and dislike. what kind of camera do you have, do you like it? I have a Nikon D3100, but I’ve basically given it away to my sister. I just use a good ol’ iPhone camera and yes, I do like it. what's the reason behind the last time you cried? I was remembering what happened the other night. what's the last video you watched on YouTube? Something from Good Mythical Morning. what is the last movie you saw, in theatres? Still The Killing of a Sacred Deer. Not a huge cinema-goer because tickets cost an ungodly fortune. do you read any magazines, if so what ones? Nope. how old were you when you went on your first date? 16. how old were you when you had your first kiss? 16. how old were you when you had your first boyfriend/girlfriend? 16. what's your favorite thing to do during the summer? Stay at hoooooome and do absolutely nothing. do you have any inside jokes with your bestfriend(s) if so, like what? Angela and I burst out laughing whenever we hear about pencils because it takes us back to the time I stabbed her palm with a newly-sharpened pencil in first grade. It started bleeding but I cried innocence and it was really how we got to be best friends in the first place. She brings it back every now and then to make me feel guilty but also since it never fails to give us a good laugh. have you ever been in a HUGE fight with your bestfriend? Not with Angela but I’ve had tons of them with Gabie. what's your relationship status right now? In a relationship. do you like it that way?^ Sure. It’s comforting. have you ever been to a concert, if so, who was the last person(s) you saw? I wasn’t technically in the concert, but we saw Coldplay from the top floor of a parking lot. Solid show and we had a better view compared to most of the people on the concert grounds themselves. do you like any artists or bands, that your friends don't like? Yeah everything from my punk rock collection. how many friends do you have on facebook? No clue. 300? 400? a lot of people say facebook chat is really annoying, do you agree? Not to me. I mainly use it for groupworks in school and it makes communicating more convenient, really.

what website do you usually go on first when you login to the computer? Twitter. do you want to say anything to someone right now, but you're afraid to? Not that I’m afraid, I just can’t bother to since it won’t do anything. if so, what is it you want to say to them?^ Just the classic fuck you. on average, is your room usually messy, or clean? Clean, but I could never keep my bedside drawer that way. That’s really the messiest part of my room. do you have any really annoying friends, that you just want to ditch? Athenna got annoying and petty so I ditched her. do you think you could go a whole day without looking in the mirror? I doubt it. I always have to look out for my hair since it gets so frizzy super fast. what is the scariest movie you've ever seen? Eraserhead. have you ever had surgery, if so for what? Never. have you ever seen a shark, if so were you scared? I haven’t. have you ever gone fishing, or is that totally yucky? Never have.

don't you think it's ridiculous when girls where ugg boots during summer? No...but the original spelling of the word ‘ridiculous’ in this question was before I changed it. do you enjoy museums, or think they are totally boring? I love museums. I make it a point to go to several every year. would you say you're fat, skinny, or just in between? Skinny. have you ever been made fun of, because of what you look like? Only when I was a kid because I had really short hair. With that and my name, I always got told that I was a boy. have you ever made fun of others, because of what they look like? Nope. have you ever liked someone who is a total jerk? I haven’t. does it annoy you when people put a question mark with a space like this ? Yes, and it includes every other punctuation mark. do you ever get shivers, even when it's really hot out? No I don’t. do you watch any funny people on youtube? That’s really the main reason I watch YouTube. have any talents no one really knows about, but you? I don’t know about talents that zero people know about, but only very few know that I play table tennis, if it counts. has anyone ever bought you a gift, that you already had? Yes, but they happened way back in grade school like when a friend got me a copy of Breaking Dawn when I already had one. That was the peak of my Twilight phase so I was super excited to get it anyway. do you wear makeup, if so, do you wear a lot? I don’t wear makeup at all. who is your favorite actor? Kate Winslet minus the Woody Allen apologist part of her. Also Kristen Stewart. what do you usually do right when you wake up? Spend a few minutes in bed and then check my phone first thing. what do you eat for breakfast? I don’t normally eat breakfast but when I do, it’s always luncheon meat and rice. do you know anyone with bipolar? No. do you know anyone who is bi-sexual, gay, or lesbian? I know a fuck ton of people who are all of those. if you're a girl, would you say you're more girly, or tomboy? Girly. do you have any siblings, if so how many, and what are their names? I have two and I don’t feel like giving out their names right now. what color is the comforter on your bed? Blue and gold. did you ever have a guy friend/girl friend that you secretly liked? There was Andi in fifth grade but I’ve never figured out if I genuinely liked her or if it was just an overall confused feeling. Other than that, no. do you think illegally downloading things is wrong? It is wrong but everything is expensive and that’s the only way I get to watch stuff or listen to my music, so. what was your favorite toy as a child, do you still own it? I didn’t have a favorite but I did love cash registers. I don’t own any toys anymore.

have you and your friend ever liked the same guy/girl? No. do you tell your best friend everything? Yeah, absolutely everything.

ever taken any lessons for anything? I did. I had ballet when I was 5 and swimming lessons when I was 9. do you speak any different languages than the one you speak? I’m bilingual, if that’s what you mean. Outside of these surveys I can also speak in Filipino.   what other countries have you been to other than yours? China, Japan, South Korea, Singapore, Malaysia, Indonesia. do you do your laundry, or does someone else do it for you? I don’t do my own because I am unfortunately living with a crazy control freak in the house. have you ever put your clothes in the wash, with money in the pockets? I did that ALL THE TIME in grade school and high school. The pockets were super deep though so when I got the bills back they were always still dry. do you call soda, pop, or soda, or.. fizzy drink? Soda. how many aunts and uncles do you have? Tons. In the Philippines, every elder woman/man who aren’t your parents is an aunt and an uncle. would you say your life is hard? Sure. It’s not supposed to be easy. what do you usually do on a regular saturday? Get wasted on surveys and watch YouTube videos. And sleep. what are you planning on doing this weekend? Hopefully just sleep for all of it because I really hate Christmas. is there anything you're really looking forward to? Yeah for Christmas week to be over. how many relationships have you been in, in the past two years? One. have you ever been cheated on, or cheated on someone? Neither has happened.

do you go to church? Physically, I do. I’m never in it though. who do you listen to most on your ipod, mp3, etc.? I don’t use my iPod anymore, but these days I’ve been listening to lots of Paramore on Spotify. do you like french fries, cheese and gravy mixed together? Sure. I’d take fries any style. what does your hair look like right now? I’d say I have to retie my ponytail because my hair has since gone all over the place. who is the last person you IM'd? My girlfriend.

when's the last time you looked at the clock? Just a few minutes ago. do you have any pet names for your bestfriend(s)? No. what is the last compliment you received? [continued from like four days ago] I don’t know. I haven’t gone out of my room all week. do you swear a lot? A little too much. if so, what swear word would you say you use the most? Fuck. do you watch the tv show "GLEE", if so, who is your favorite character? Ugh no. I hated that show, but I guess I’ll always have a soft spot for Finn without ever even watching an episode, just because. what tv shows did you watch as a child? Spongebob, The Suite Life, Lizzie McGuire, Zoey 101, All That, Jimmy Neutron, Fairly OddParents...we basically hogged the crap out of Nickelodeon and Disney. Cartoon Network not so much. do you wear perfume/cologne, if so what kind? I wear one of Beyoncé’s fragrances. do you think it’s cute when you're leaving a place, and a guy says "no hug?" I find that a strange thing to hear from anyone but Gab. how many showers would you say you take a week? If I’m in school, 4-5. If I’m on a break, 2-3. what is your favorite resturant to go to? Jollibee, Banana Leaf, and Sambokojin; although the latter is technically a buffet place. are you craving anything right now? Yeah dude I want Thai and Indian food so bad rn. do you actually like cleaning? Depends on what I have to clean. did you watch American Idol, if so, are you glad Lee won? Lee DeWyze? No. Crystal Bowersox was my girl. do you own any white clothes, or would you just get it too dirty? Of course I have white clothes...I just get ‘em dirty all the time. do you wear short shorts (if you're a girl)? Yes. do you have twitter, if so, do you use it a lot? Hi yes I do here it is. I’m on it all day. do you like that new singer Ke$ha, if so, do you think her music is catchy? She’s not new anymore, she actually just made the most bad-ass comeback this year. Anyway, I really really really love her and I always have, all the way back from her TiK ToK days when everyone hated her still for giving off a trashy image, at least that’s what people thought. I embraced it instantly. A Kween!!! if you be anyone you wanted for a whole day, who would you be? Sometimes I can’t help wishing I could be Gabie, solely so that I would know what it feels like to have a perfect family. have you ever gone to peteranswers.com? No, never heard of that. do you live in a house, apartment, or what? House. have you ever done the "your shoelace is untied" trick? I’m not even so sure as to what that trick is. have you ever met anyone famous? I’ve had my brushes with local and foreign celebrities but I’ve never met them per se.  if so, who was it? ^ A bunch. are your fingernails, and toenails painted if so, what color? They’re never painted. what's your favorite breed of dog? There’s no such thing as a ‘favorite breed.’ do you still live with your parents? Unfortunately. how many pairs of shoes do you own? Also a bunch. do you love someone so much, but they don’t even know? No. you usually tell the person you like, that you like them, or keep it quiet? I’ve only ever liked one person and I let them know.

do you laugh a lot? Depends on the day. how was this survey? Long, but I liked the questions.

#survey #surveys