#this is an inchresting set of players anon but u have TASTE

[sergeifyodorov]

i could read a million of these character asks <33 would love one for jt of leafs pjs fame and alexander ovechkin

I already knew about ovi from cultural osmosis, so I’m pretty sure I just thought of him as That Big Russian Guy Who Scores All The Goals. you know how it is.

unfortunately, i can remember my first encounter with john tavares in much more clarity. Picture this. 2021. NHL playoffs. I’m tuning in casually to watch a hockey game, plenty of which I’ve seen before but none of which i have consciously paid attention to, as I am now about to.

john tavares plays three minutes before --

i turn the television off, not to pick up hockey again until christmas.

IMPRESSION NOW

Ovechkin: DILF OF MY DREAMSSSSSS. kind of walks the line between the erotic and terrifying… he’s big and sexy sure but he’s also 240 pounds of pure freight train muscle and he DOES not get injured. Remember svech Trying It? remember svech trying It and getting knocked out in a couple punches? Ovi doesn’t even look like he’s TRYING, and svech, while being young, is no wimp, but he’s absolutely nothing compared to the absolute brick wall that is ovi. Also his power play technique freaks me out. He literally just stands there and waits for u to send him one timers. and it works

this is the shot density map for washington’s power play this year. Can you tell where ovi stands

yeah. 

anyway i also think besides his big scarysexydilfy power he also has this sort of genre-aware whimsy that makes him just absolutely fascinating. it kind of reminds me of chucky in a way and it absolutely makes sense charisma-wise that ovi was The Cool One and sid (mcdavid in our tkachuk analogy) was obviously better albeit less popular for the casual fan, who likes the shiny sparky one and perhaps does not have a finer eye for the true step-above skill that davo and sid have.

Tavares: from one dilf to another… anon u have chosen well. jt like ovi is a virgo, a captain, a werewolf, a first overall pick, and a dilf, but the similarities end there i think… jt is a lot quieter and his sense of authority over his team feels a lot more “democratically chosen figurehead” than ovi’s natural alpha pheromones or whatever. As a player i think he’s really quite underrated -- his footspeed has obviously slipped away from him as he ages, but he’s never been fast or agile and has kind of always been a lot more reliant on his intellect and upper-body dexterity than his skating. I think he’s got this steady internal peace that really comes off to a lot of us as Boring Man (and that’s not entirely false per se) but more importantly that he has this willful internal compass that few hockeys have. that he chose to leave the islanders like that is not something that can be overstated i think; he was offered more by the isles and the sharks and i believe at least one other place, too, but he picked. He CHOSE. Most hockeys who have that kind of first-overall captaincy expectation/franchise saviour mantle on their head like he did for the Island are trapped; he was not. AND HE’S SEXY

FAV MOMENT

Ovechkin: the out-knocking of andrei svechnikov is not my fav moment but it’s certainly iconique… ovi is old and has several Moments so im gonna list a few:

the goal from his back, without which we may not have auston matthews in his current capacity

Any of the million anecdotes where he shows up in denim shorts so tiny everyone tells him to go home and change

sidovi duelling hattricks night

Really any time he cellies by just jumping on TOP of his teammates, presumably all of which are smaller and significantly more fragile than him

hahaha ice tweet

partying in the vegas fountains with the cup

Tavares: instead of providing you with several small moments i will instead provide you with The Big One: CURSEBREAKING GOAL. nuff said. to many more.

IDEA FOR STORY

Ovechkin: his age as a vet and his nebulous genre awareness make him really an ideal man for something weird. real “talking about the nature of the metaphysics that hold hockey together” type fic. also because he is such a mother hen of all the caps he deserves to take a few of them on a road trip to solve some problems… maybe we can get some baby cap who is having a Moment when confronted with A Dilf. dylan strome seems like he would take any opportunity to ~service~ his amazingly talented generational captain and of course his winger.

Tavares: say it with me: JT/ROR werewolf/vampire au (jt is the werewolf)

UNPOPULAR OPINION

Ovechkin: if the nhl weren’t cowards they wouldve marketed him as a sex symbol in the late aughts

Tavares: if the nhl weren’t cowards they would’ve marketed him as a sex symbol in the early 2010s

FAV RELATIONSHIP

Ovechkin: i actually was never an nhl fan during nicke backstrom’s time so as much as i appreciate a good Duo marriage type deal im not like. Familiar enough with Nicke for any of it. so i suppose i have to come out of the little glass closet im in as a SIDOVI WARRIOR

Tavares: now he is not nearly as slutty as ovi so we mostly have to appreciate him looking like That without shipping. although he did confess to quote liking “bossing [Willy] around a little bit” so. there’s that. also through my campaign to make the bolts more popular (so i can enjoy more narrative while getting colour confused on our yearly playoff matchup) i should remind you all that he and stamkos are CHILDHOOD FRIENDS and both wear 91 because of the other. think on that

FAV HEADCANON

Ovechkin: we’re getting into magical realism fic au type deals but he is one of the nhlers who inherently Has Powers. look some nhlers just Have Powers and he is one of em. no sidney crosby does not he is just autistic and a hockey freak. no auston matthews does not he is just a virgo and gay. quinnifer and mcdavid definitely do and machuk definitely does not. back to ovi he’s got some weird seeing beyond the veil shit goin on

Tavares: now we know he likes celine dion so i think really he’s got tastes in music that are a lot more reminiscent of your standard suburban fifty-something white milf than what he is, which is a thirty-something toronto dad. we ARE listening to shania twain together and you have to deal with that

#asks #john tavares #alex ovechkin #this is an inchresting set of players anon but u have TASTE