#this sucks bcs i'm genuinely rlly sleepy rn but i can't bring myself to just. stop wtvr n finally go to sleep

[noxtivagus]

I'M SO SLEEPY HFLKDJA

#🌙.vent #weekends r too short i barely did anything ngl but. i did spend time w my family n some friends lately so that's nice !?! #just thinking n oh my god i hate being shy so much. i tell myself so often i need to hesitate less! but #it's just so HARD. I HATE IT BCS I REALLY WNA JUST #😭😭 i can't help but feel really bad about it bcs. i really need to.. #oh my mind is such a mess rn wait but i really need to hesitate less #ok that said it's 4 am n i have to wake up in less than 3 hours. i'm sleepy but. i want to.. write whatever. i need to #it's so hard for me to bring myself to sleep until i've. written. something #writing to my friend writing to myself writing for school i don't care i really just need to write something before i sleep #this sucks bcs i'm genuinely rlly sleepy rn but i can't bring myself to just. stop wtvr n finally go to sleep #it's so. tbf it is like 4 am rn my mind is so messy #i opened up a bit to one of my online friends of my.. anxiety of like drifting apart or being distant n all #n their words reminded me of some stuff that made me reflect a bit n #i know w like. a lot of my friends i don't have to be so nervous about anything at all n i #i'm about to cry rn i blame it on the lack of sleep n the sleepiness i have rn :< #it's just such a touchy subject for me i always get very emotional when i think or reflect on what i mean to others....? #it's a really really touchy subject for me bcs it just. reminds me that i'm. actually alive n human too yk? that. this is. real i think #i'm crying this is so dumb #it's so. i hate it so much bcs at heart i know better but it's just so hard to really just accept that. i don't know #how is it like to have /me/ in your life?? in whatever way?? it just feels so unreal to me n that. probably stems from a certain #loneliness that i've grown to be used to. n then it's the root of my hesitation i Think #it's just.. rlly so hard at times to. idk i can't help but unintentionally restrain myself w others n there's just often this barrier #i hate it i'm so afraid to be hurt in any way again that even though i rlly wish this fear wasn't there it's just engraved in me #n so i wonder at times. the person others know me as. is it rlly me or just the parts they want to see. an image of me? #i hate it bcs i know certainly w the way i perceive others i love them so much wholly but accepting that for me feels so 'selfish' #i know better but it's so hard to just break out of it n i feel like a burden so often.i hate it so much i feel like i'm rarely ever enough #& i 'have' to be just enough; not too much or too little. i have. fears of what wld happen if i really be myself if i wasn't shy n all..? #n then i rlly can be too harsh on myself at times. to do things right n properly. but life is imperfect the world is imperfect n it's ok if #if i'm not too right? if i can love others unconditionally then.. surely surely i'm not exempt from that? surely i'm human too? #yk what. i'll be fine when i wake up i think i'll go sleep n do the rest tomorrow. it's been.. a month now hasn't it? 28th huh