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#tonight or tomorrow morning actually is the 4 year anniversary of my dog dying and like surprise surprise lol im still not over it like.
apathyfairy
·
10 months
Text
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#tonight or tomorrow morning actually is the 4 year anniversary of my dog dying and like surprise surprise lol im still not over it like.
#i honest to god dont think i ever will. i honestly dont know how people move on and get other pets and just. keep on living like i
#understand it like for some people it's part of the healing process but i just could never do it. like i just cant even fathom
#i dont know that's not the point. the point is im having such a hard time because everytime i do anything tonight i keep thinking
#4 years ago i still had my dog or 4 years ago in 5 hours i didnt know id be going to the vet at 1am and going home without my dog at 5am
#and i just keep reliving it no matter how hard i try to not. and on one hand i want it hurt like i want to remember it just to punish myself
#i just i just cant move on like it's just. i went 24 years of my life without ever experiencing death and then 4 years ago today my dog dies
#in the most tragic possible way ever and then 11 months later my other dog who i had for 17 years since i was 8 dies and yeah still
#not over that one either because i never let myself process that or truly grieve her because i had to shut that up real tight
#or i would have lost it for real. and i have the most fucked up miserable tragic dreams about her so many nights a week
#because she was old and had been u know. like old dogs do they just decline and that was impossibly hard to watch but at least i kind of
#knew it was coming u know but like with my other dog. there was just absolutely no warning it was so sudden and it just ripped me apart and
#i honest to god will never be okay again and then 6 months after all that i find out my ex died and only because after 6 years i finally
#Finally decide to have the guts to talk to him again and apologize and explain and try to be friends and then nope he's dead
#then in between all those deaths a super close family friend died and my grandpa my dad's dad died and like it's just
#i had never even experienced death before and then all of a sudden i was engulfed in it and i just dont know how to come back from it.
#but tonight is just. painful. like i havent even said his name out loud since it happened. i cant talk about him at all just writing this i
#want to cry like it just fucking hurts forever. and it should i guess.
#and i feel so stupid because so many times i wonder if my cat even remembers them and i wonder if she misses them too and idk
#that makes me feel stupid and emotional and im just a wreck but i should be.
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