#toxic yaoi wins yet again | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

little-known-artist · 6 years

Text

Let me just say something. I'm going to mention incest ie Inucest and fandom, rape, Yaoi culture and how that's all really messed me up.

***tl;dr** your hands are tied and people will ship what they want no matter how messed up. But there's hope they'll mature out of it.

Here's the thing about shipping siblings together. It's gross. That should be all I have to say about it. However, there was a time when I was a preteen and teenager where I shipped Inuyasha and Sesshomaru together. Yeah. Anyways to make a long story short, I had never heard the word "incest" until I was 13 years old. I didn't know what it meant and I was a really stupid kid who was already "LolRawr Yaoi boys!!!" Shipping the exact terms "Inucest" and "Uchihacest" and not connecting the dots. Again, not the brightest bulb. By the time I was 15 I actually had some concept of the word, and I still thought it meant strictly shipping brothers together. The concepts of Yaoi and Incest are DIRECTLY related to one another in fandom. Yaoi mentality is 100% toxic because Yaoi is a fantasy more often than not created by cishet women. The concepts in Yaoi still, surprise surprise, reflect heteronormativity. Still reflects MlM as "sinful" but also promote abuse and degradation of the "uke" character. Roughly 95% of the Yaoi incest fics I was reading at age 12 had at least one non-consensual incident, mainly rape. You more often see this with fandoms that have brothers, Inuyasha, Supernatural, Undertale, etc. Because it's directly tied to Yaoi culture.

Where am I going with this?

When I was 14ish, I didn't see anything wrong with this. You read that right. I thought it was "hot" and "a sinful pleasure" and all that jazz. Even later in adolescence, around 17, I knew it was wrong. I knew it was wrong and that's what made it interesting to me. It was fictional though, and if someone applied it to my own brothers, I'd be skeeved out and tell them it was only fiction. Here's the thing though.

I was raped. I was being raped before I was in Kindergarten, and it was, surprise surprise, by a family member. He went to prison when my mom found out. I recently (April 2nd, 2018) found out he had been more than likely stalking me since his release, thanks to the prosecution team surprising me with as of yet the worst phone call of my life. He broke a no-contact order on several occasions. I was raped by another family member when I was nine. He moved out of state and I just don't want to deal with it. Both were incidents of incest.

"Jesus Danie, that's horrible, why are you telling us this?" Because I went through all that trauma and as a teenager, I still shipped Inuyasha and Sesshomaru, even in those non-consensual stories. It was because I had not yet come to terms with what had happened to me. I didn't realize what had happened to me was incest. When I did, I was about 18-19. However, I still thought "oh, but I wasn't effected by it." But I was. I never had any interest in dating or sex when I was a teenager. I said to myself "I'm just waiting for marriage", concerning sex. It was after I realized "hm. Maybe I'm a little messed up from that and that's why I want to wait until marriage" that I stopped shipping incest altogether. I realized how nasty it was and from age 20-23 I'd actively avoid it. In October 2017-May 2018 I began seeking therapy for other reasons and found out that 90% of the reason I was messed up was because of the sexual trauma. I was finally diagnosed with PTSD. I finally admitted that I don't ever want to have sex. I'm still in this weird "I'm attracted to men but please don't touch me below the waist" phase of trying to figure myself out.

In February, I got a new phone, and for the first time in a long time I could put all my music on it. I found out, from putting my music on shuffle while doing chores, I had an unusual trigger which threw me immediately into a panic attack. It was a song. The song was "Over and Over" By Three Days Grace. The reason was because the very first time I heard that song was during an Inusess AMV. It was well-edited and I watched that video so much I 100% associated that song with that AMV, that pairing. Now, years later, I'm in EMDR and another type of intensive trauma therapy, shaking and slapping the skip button as soon as I realized what's going on.

What I'm saying with that, is that even with people who have been through a certain type of trauma, it might not effect them until later in life. Yes. Incest is disgusting and I would love for people to just STOP shipping it. However, here's the thing about some people. They don't realize how badly it effects others. Or maybe they do, but "it's fictional! owo" and tell you to get over it because it's not real. What's worse, people, especially kids like I had been will ship something that much harder, out of spite, if you tell them it's bad. It makes it more exciting to them. I've noticed this heavily in the Undertale fandom, with the skelebros.

My suggestion? As much as I'd like to say education is key, we been tryna educate white conservatives on gay rights forever and that's worked out, hasn't it? Literally you can't win with them, especially the 15-year-olds. Don't interact with them at all unless you know them in other ways and want to sit down for a long while with them and try to have this discussion with them. Some people, especially kids, are emotional and will get angry and shut down and talk in circles because their frontal lobes aren't developed or there's legit something wrong with them.

I don't have a solution. But 11-19 year old me finally grew out of that "LOLRAWR YAOI!" phase, and all I know how to do is hope and then block anyone who I feel might trigger me. Unfortunately, people need room to grow, and I do want to give them that opportunity. Tag filtering on mobile has been amazing.

#and with that im turning off notifications for this blog and enjoying graduating #incest mention #rape mention #personal #me talking

19 notes · View notes

buniyaad · 6 years

Text

On the Fated Lovers Saga

Now the real truth is that DDT realized GL couldn’t continue to exist in the wider DDT canon without there being a heel turn on someone’s part, but Kenneth was already on his way out of the promotion and had rejected that plot twist, so what did President Takagi do? He took the core elements, said fuck yaoi, and wrote a better, more poignant tale that’s now part of the new era’s gay love stories that a) have more substance, and be) have more room to grow organically. Not only that, he said fuck you to the original yaoi tropes that made up Golden Lovers, and instead took inspiration from literary fantasy tropes. Takeshita has Ibushi’s legacy as the best of the best being groomed for even greater things, whereas Endo took Kenneth’s role as the ‘always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ position in the story.

BUT THEIR PERSONALITIES FLIPPED! Endo was allowed to retain his dignity, whereas Kenneth threw his away for power. Taking on Ibushi’s aloofness, now he gets to grow and prosper as a person and as a competitor with the most powerful stable on the Indie scene. Takeshita, on the other hand, is gradually letting the pressure and ‘mad king’ disease consume him as he continues to scream for something that doesn’t exist (Endo-san). The conflict thus becomes fantasy vs reality, with the reality being that Endo never felt appreciated as a person while in Happy Motel, thus choosing the poor kids club that’s made up of all the people who have no true home in DDT. DAMNATION, alone, derives from Sasaki’s understanding that, that’s a pure state of hopelessness. The kicker? This hopeless tribe is now dominating two separate promotions and more over than the actual Ace.

And then there’s Takeshita, who’s still under the impression that he did nothing wrong, consistently butting heads with a man who won’t acknowledge him even though he’s beaten Endo enough times, personifying Kenneth’s rage for what it really is- a reaction to his own insecurities and inability to comprehend that the Endo-san he created in his head was a caricature, a disservice to the real man who felt useless and frustrated for always playing second-fiddle, a testament to the story that even though Takeshita is more powerful in the ring, he’s still the weakest man in the promotion because his heart’s still that of a child. Because that’s who Kenneth was- is. A man who still can’t get over his ex because he’d created an image so holy that he lost sight that Kota was human. Takeshita still thinks the Endo-san of yesterday is gonna come back, embrace him, hold his hand, corner for him, and be with him always. Takeshita still thinks that Endo-san will return to him willfully accepting of the consort position instead of battling him for the throne.

One of the most powerful moments in DDT last year was Takeshita cleanly winning the Peter Pan bout, getting up, and holding out his hand for Endo yet again. What did Endo do? He spat in his face and walked away. Since then, he’s refused to get involved with him unless absolutely required, and even then, keeping both an emotional and physial distance because his walking away from Takeshita at Peter Pan was his way of moving on for good. One of the things anyone can pick up after a couple of Endo/Take bouts is that the only one emotionally invested in the story to high hell is Takeshita. The more Endo loses, the more he accepts that maybe he needs a change of air, a new goal, something that will actually help him grow. The one thing the Fated Lovers did better than the Golden Lovers is that they triggered the heel turn in time so that the characters could actually grow during their period of intense conflict. Endo realized that fighting his former stablemate wasn’t helping him reach his goal to be the best, so he walked away and began to grow stronger in the subaltern with his family, found a rival in Ikemen, and minded his business. Takeshita? Every other moment circles back to his conflict with Endo-san, his utter hatred of the fact that Endo-san won’t pay attention to him, his need to possess Endo-san who doesn’t, ding ding ding, actually exist.

Whereas Ibushi’s aloofness derives from his choice to mingle selectively and mind his own after years of unhealthy devotion from the crowds, Endo’s aloofness is a result of his growth over the last two years, his ability to reconcile that there is no shame in leaving behind a toxic friendship and moving on with life. Kenneth’s hatred derives from his inability to own up to his own bullshit, which then created his victim complex from hell that’s helped fuel problems everywhere. Then there’s Takeshita’s anger which derives from the fact that he didn’t really have a choice in the matter. DDT saw gold, he was passionate enough to join, and after five years of training and grooming, he’s 22 going on 45, becoming angrier and angrier with every match, quieter and quieter with every promo, more and more livid with the fact that he was robbed of his ability to have some actual fun while training to be a wrestler, robbed of his ability to properly love a man because his first love was also his first, toxic attachment that was based on his emotional neediness and emotional dependency, robbed of the chance to just be, so now we have to deal with a man who’s the best wrestler on the roster but can’t bring himself to become anything more than that.

Which comes full circle with the fact that Kenneth did have a choice- he had a choice at 30 to do it differently, but he didn’t. Takeshita, at seventeen, had the choice to never become a wrestler, but he jumped into the rabbit hole and they never let him forget it. Endo did too, but Endo found a way to stand on his two feet, whereas Takeshita gets to sit at the top all alone. Contrast it to Ibushi who’s one of the best in the world, but has never won the top gold in his home country’s top promotion and likely never will. In a way, the Fated Lovers contrast the Golden Lovers in the best way possible- they get to hit their critical moments and grow from them, whereas the men of GL are stuck in a limbo they haven’t been able to break themselves out of since 2014. Maybe 2018 will be the year they finally have some relevant character growth that doesn’t spell constant mayhem, but we’ll see.

With Endo and Takeshita, they have forever and a day to grow, but the growth they’ve already had has been some of the best character development in DDT territory in a long time. And it is as it should be. The characters, their story, their fated love story is meant to take over the promotion when Harashima formally retires. It only makes sense that they take over as robust, well-rounded characters instead of hollow, stagnant creatures.

#ddtpro #tetsuya endo #konosuke takeshita #kota ibushi #Kenny Omega #Wrestling #real talk

15 notes · View notes

cerebusfire17 · 7 years

Text

Still curiouser and curiouser

I still don’t fucking get it and it’s driving me nuts. I could make millions of assumptions a day, and yet I know they’re only what I could possibly believe ***** did it for this reason or that.

And the only good reason I have is my husband--specifically, my relationship with him, as well as my daughter. Everything got worse when I got pregnant with my daughter, especially after the 12wk mark.

It’s the only thing I keep coming back to that makes the most logical sense, as well as something that happened a while ago that I totally forgot about. When we were still cool a few month ago, ***** wanted to do an RP with me on IWaikurp.com or whatever the hell it is right? We wanted to do a FF VII fanfic because we both love the game (She introduced me to it).

Everything was going good, until we got to Cloud and Sephiroth. She had Sephiroth opening the doors, with her same style: something relaxed without much intrigue, but just enough information to keep you curious. I wrote the next part, as Cloud, describing his day and then his reaction to seeing Sephiroth trying to open the door.

She tells me, after that entry and letting the RP get frozen, that she doesn’t want to write with me anymore, because I’m “too aggressive” of a writer..... And I would agree with that assessment, except the way I’m writing now is the same style I’ve written since we first exchanged stories in High school.

The reason, I believe, she didn’t want to write anymore, was because I actual take the time to write and make a story a fucking story. It wasn’t until I actually started to put my own style into the story rather than just write random words to continue a scene that bothered her, which was weird because she was asking me to lead and to come up with ideas the entire time. We were both working on the story, but when it came down to it, everything that we had written so far (if it’s still up) was based on everything I thought up, not her. She would ask, “what should we do here?” and I would say “Uh, idk, kill a whore, yaoi, Cid cursing ridiculously for tea--take your pick!”

I would always end up inviting her to give some sort of idea to the story, but it was like hitting a brick fucking wall. There was a girl I once knew named Harlie I tried to do an RP with. I kept us stuck in the church.

I understand why Harlie hates me so much now, but at least Harlie had the balls to say to my face, so she has my respect.

But ***** never gave anything. She never gave any ideas, never stuck with her ideas, never tried to inspire me to try and do something different. Everything became my idea, and after a while, I decided “Fuck it, I’m writing the way I normally write. I want my characters to have a powerful voice when I write about them.” And I will give you an example: Erizen--

“Tall, fraile to the eyes and unsettling to the stomach, this man walked through the streets with a silent vengeance, and reason to search for something he had been missing. Violet eyes met the strangers all around him: the vendors, the customers, the by-passers, the traffic, the police that gave him a glaring stare. Did I appear that suspicious, he wondered. He kept his eyes beneath the rim of the wet hat on his head, protecting his spectacles from the heavy rain that always followed him, no matter the time or place, or maybe the rain was all in his head. He was never too sure how real or illusory the world around him was. One of his soaked, pruned fingers pressed his spectacles back up onto his nose, before he reached the dinner. He just wanted something to eat. It had been so long, he couldn’t remember the last time food even tasted good to him. He was so used to eating quickly unitl he was full, until he was able to roam again and quickly. He was never prone to stick around to make friends or enemies.”

THAT’S HOW I WRITE ALL THE FUCKING TIME!!! I’ve attempted to work and polish and have my work critisized by strangers and people who I thought liked books but turned out they thought they could get into my pants, which was like “ew!”. I’ve worked my ass off to make my writing as nice as I can get it. I write descriptively surrounding the story. Me, slowing and handicapping myself for my friend just so she doesn’t feel intimidated by my practice and art, doesn’t help me or her. She wants to be a writer too, but if she can’t handle RPing with someone with an “aggressive” writing style, how is she going to handle it when people actually read her publications and realize that she hasn’t polished her work yet?

And I’m not saying she’s a bad writer or anything. It’s nothing like that, but it’s like she got so much WORSE! It’s like she doesn’t even care enough about her characters enough to make them feel like real fucking people. she just writes them for scenes. I’ve tried to give her criticism on her writing, like “you can try this with your character,” or “Make this person like someone you really hate and that will make them an interesting villain,” and she would blow me off every time, but would expect me to take everything she said with a pound a gold rather than a grain of salt. the only time she would see her advice was if I was writing directly to her, or in one of the 4 drafts I sent her with separate endings. IRONICALLY, it was the work without her advice that she enjoyed the most--the work that i specifically lied about--and then she would assume the work WITH her advice was my own and try to tell me how to improve it.

It was one of the first ways I found out that she didn’t pay attention to a fucking thing I ever said or did.

But it’s always been like this with her. When it came to Magic: the Gathering, we couldn’t play anymore because she didn’t want to lose--something about when her father would win a game, he would rub it in her and her brother’s face, which is like “okay, but I’m not your dad, so....”--and actually yelled at me the first time we ever played because she didn’t win. Every video game we would play together that was multiplayer was MMORPGs, with was more about developing the self rather than competitive algorithmic skills in a computing setting with victory defined by who uses the best combinations of correct codes the fastest and most efficiently.

Which is fucking weird, because she would play those games with everyone else and lose graciously. I could be like not even half a step closer to the finish line and she’ll give up in the middle of it. And it’s not like I’m talking shit or anything (because she gets upset really easily and I never wanted to hurt her feelings) but I could be dead silent, and if she thought she was losing, she would throw shit. And it was irritating to the point where I didn’t even try to get her to do anything with me anymore.

all she would ever do is throw a fit when she didn’t get her way, and I was sick of it. She HATES competition. Like, a lot. A lot more than most people. A lot more than most narcissists, now come to think of it. It was her biggest pet peeve cause she never wanted to feel like a loser.... which is stupid because she is and, like the rest of us, she needs to accept that she’s a scrub ass, insignificant loser like the rest of the population. It was like anything that would make her look... er, “Secondary”, pissed her off. A lot.

And don’t get me started on the time when I was dressed better than her. I fear there were occasions were she intentionally guided me to looking like I literally lived in a cardboard box.

I keep wondering if she felt like she was in competition with my husband, as if the baby was the last straw, like she knew that my daughter would be the very thing that made her realize that I would never be with her or want her. Well, technically, after the whole “leave-your-husband-for-me” shit, she lost on that anyway. I wonder if she thought I would try to do what she did when she got married: entice my best friend into an affair and then throw an ultimatum her way just to spice things up.

But this is how I feel, not what I know, and that’s why I’ll always be wrong in this and why I’ll never have an actual answer from this bitch, because If I’m wrong, then she never had a reason but was just looking for one, and If I’m right, then she would never tell me because that would destroy the illusion that she created, the lie, that I am the “toxic” one, that she keeps telling herself so she doesn’t lose her mind from all the guilt and regret she’ll feel eventually.

Honestly, maybe she did it on purpose more because I stopped writing all those poems and songs about her years ago. It got boring though. I can’t keep writing about a person forever, and I have other things to do. I actually stopped writing about her after she tried the shit with me while my husband was gone, now that I think about it. No, that’s a lie, I think wrote two more: for lament of emotions, of course. but after that, I was done. Maybe it was because she got sucked into the internet and I was trying to remain on planet earth? It’s hard to be a Pintrest mom when I’m a Grieving mother with bills to fucking pay.

Maybe she just got tired of trying to be a friend to someone she didn’t want to have anything in common with? It’s not like she and I were on the same page anymore; she didn’t even tell me sorry for the death of my daughter, so obviously compassion isn’t a priority anymore. Maybe she did it hoping at some point I would keep trying so she could give me an ultimatum about our relationship? Maybe she just said nix the ultimatum and to cut off the friendship because she realized that I didn’t want her like I used to. I was happier as friends, not as lovers, and that’s the only way we would have worked.

Maybe my daughter WAS the last straw for her, which makes me feel better that she did leave, if that was the case. I had actually made a resolution for the new years to become a much better person, leave all the negativity behind, and try and do better for others--only for this cunt to pull this shit nearly two weeks later....

That’s the amazing thing about it all: I decided to try and be a better person for my daughter, and my best friend decides that she’s going to be a better person by emotionally and mentally damaging me because I decide to be a better fucking person.... funny how things turn out.

I keep thinking about %%%%% and ^^^^^^. I don’t see it lasting very long. Matt even says that there’s no way--not without me there anyway. He seems to think I AM the reason they are still together, as a trophy system.

Then again, I wonder about her brother. I didn’t know he had come back to WV so quickly. He’s been strung out for so long....I guess he went back to live with her until he can get back to Parkersburg or some shit. God, I tried to relate to him he could confide in me with his issues and he took offense to it because he doesn’t want to look at himself as sick and needing help.

If I do ever end up pregnant again, I’ll have to do my best to hide my child from her and her family. Which is unfortunate because I love her mother, and her brother &&&&& is cool, as well as her sister in law when she decides to actually be something. She’ll be gone soon as well, so I won’t have to worry about that angle. I don’t really trust her anyway.

She only called for my side, and I haven’t heard a word since, which makes me think the two of them are closer than what she say. Everytime i’ve tried to reach out to her, as she’s told me to do, when I get my issues and panic attacks, she ignores them and all sorts of shit.

I’m quite tired of unreliable people, especially those who expect me to sacrifice my happiness for their egos. Doesn’t matter though, cause as soon as it happens. After it happens, it’s going to be like cutting off a popular show right in the middle of the best season, with no continuation of the show and no way to remake or reboot it--EVER. When it happens, and all finally comes to be, I know exactly who’s going to be desperate to suddenly hear my voice, and know how i’m doing, and what’s going with after it.

You’ll never know...

0 notes