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dawnofaqua · 6 years

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Eyes Closed (Biadore)

Hello hello hello, it’s finally here! I want to apologize for the delay, I had a very busy month and this one is gonna be the same tbh. So, the prompt was “Bianca finds out she loves Adore too late” and it was from @imafleurchild. She just posted it around and I decided to try it because well, why the hell not? It’s a Lesbian AU so if you’re not into it, this fic is not for you lol. ALSO ALERT A LOT OF ANGST.

Bianca didn’t open her eyes the first time.

When Adore was even more interested in her phone than usual. She had always been the kind of girl to go through someone’s Instagram if she thought they were cute, but that time was almost creepy to Bianca. They had spent an entire night out, as they usually did in the weekend when she was free of work and she could drink a little without risking to wake up with a massive headache to carry with herself at work, but the whole time Adore was on her phone, smiling at it while sipping her drink. After Bianca tried to make conversation for a while, she quickly got bored of it. Their friendship had never been easy, mostly because the two of them had very different lifestyles, but they tried to make it work as much as possible because every trouble was worth the laughs and the connection they had felt as soon as they let themselves to get to know each other. It usually was very simple, they could find something to talk about in every occasion, but apparently that night Adore was simply more interested in looking at her phone.

“What is it that keeps you away from our night?”

She asked after a while, without even trying to hide how annoyed she was. Adore glanced up to her, surprised, and once she realized what was happening she smiled to Bianca in a clear apology.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to ignore you. I just found this girl on Instagram and she’s really pretty.”

Bianca wasn’t surprised: Adore could develop a crush in less than a week and then proclaim to be in love with the same girl in another week, then proceeding to drown in sorrow when she realized her new princess wasn’t as good as she thought she was, but in the end she would go back at her usual self and ready for her next crush to stop by. Bianca had known her for years, and not once her relationships had lasted more than a few months. She felt sorry for her when Adore was heartbroken, but she also knew that in a couple of days she would feel better and everything would go back to normal, and Bianca liked the normal way more than seeing her friend dating someone that would just dump her as soon as they were done using her.

Even though Bianca never believed in love, relationships and such - they take too much time and she preferred concentrating on work than another person - she had always tried to be as supportive as possible with Adore, who was not only a hopeless romantic, but a stubborn optimistic. She smiled then, deciding she didn’t want to be angry at Adore for more than a minute - and then she tried to look at her phone, curious.

“You have always had terrible taste, let me be the judge of that.”

Adore smiled again, this time more relaxed once she realized her friend wasn’t mad at her. She then gave her the phone, and Bianca was met with a photo of a redhead, with a big and bright smile on her face, her sweet features really standing up with the soft makeup she was wearing. She was undeniably cute, Bianca had to give her that, more than Adore’s last girlfriends at least.

“So? What do you think of her?”

Adore asked after a few seconds, almost scared. Bianca went through some of the photos, noticing that her friend had already liked some of them, before giving the phone back to her owner.

“She’s cute. Have you contacted her yet?”

The younger one shook her head, placing the phone on the table after glancing at her new crush’s face for a second.

“Not yet, but she looks so cool! She’s not only beautiful, but she does a lot of charity, she loves theatre, she sings as well… Sometimes I don’t even believe she’s real.”

She added with a small, nervous laugh. It was weird seeing Adore like that, since she was usually very confident when it came to flirting or even just talking with cute girls. She was definitely more adorable in that moment, and Bianca couldn’t help but placing a hand on her shoulder, squeezing it lightly.

“Well then, you should write to her. Who knows, maybe you two are soulmates.”

“You really think it would work out? I mean, it’s not like I’ve ever been lucky with love…”

Adore’s voice was a little smaller, clearly worried that she was gonna waste her time again. Bianca didn’t want to voice what she really was thinking: love, to her, was just a stupid hobby, something that could be a fun distraction for a while and then go away as easily as it arrived. She wasn’t surprised that most of the couples she knew had broke up after a while, and if she had to be honest in that moment, she probably would’ve said to Adore to let it go… but she didn’t want to crush her or the opportunity of being happy at least for a while.

“There’s only one way to find out, isn’t there?”

She observed, sipping from her glass a little of her drink. Adore nodded, looking at her phone one last time before she found the courage to type something.

“You’re right. Thank you Bea, you always know what’s best for me!”

She chirped after she was done, giving a little kiss on Bianca’s cheek, who laughed happily seeing her so content. After all, she told herself, she had nothing to worry about: Adore was gonna go out with that girl, but Bianca had always been her first priority, their friendship was the most important thing for both of them… that wasn’t gonna change.

Bianca didn’t open her eyes the second time.

When Adore suddenly had less time for their nights out, when every weekend she would say “I’m sorry, tonight I’m seeing Jinkx” and Bianca would find herself spending her Saturday nights in Raja’s apartment, getting drunk and watching old movies that none of their friends really liked besides the two of them. She was annoyed by the sudden disappearance of her friend, but the thought that it was gonna be something that will soon change was enough to calm her down. Adore was always so eager when she started seeing someone to the point she would focus all of her free time on that person; it wasn’t the first time it had happened, and Bianca knew that she only needed to wait a little, enough for her to calm down and realize that whoever she was dating wasn’t always as fun to be around as Bianca was.

Still, she missed their nights out. She missed being able to talk a lot with her, to share opinions with her, even to see the screen of her phone lighting up with one of her dumb texts with puns or photos she thought would make Bianca laugh. At the moment, they would just send each other two or three messages at best, and while she was able to focus more on her work, she also felt empty. Yet, she decided not to say anything once again: she kept telling to herself that it was just something momentary, that soon Adore was gonna go back to normal and they would finally hang out more. The only reassurance she needed was that one: she was the pillar in Adore’s life, and while she wasn’t feeling like it in that moment, she knew it wasn’t gonna change anytime soon. They had been through worse, she had to remember herself everytime Adore would post a picture with her new flame instead of answering her texts, they would always be there for eachother. She only needed to be a little more patient.

And she managed to be, even when Adore called her in the middle of the night, after another date. Bianca wasn’t much of a sleeper, so it wasn’t a bother and Adore knew it already.

“She’s so sweet. I mean, sweeter than anyone I’ve ever met! And she thinks my music is good and that I’ll have a great career, and…”

Bianca drifted a little at that point, letting her friend rant. It was annoying that the only thing she could talk about in the last period was Jinkx, it hurt a little to know that right now she couldn’t think of anyone else, but Bianca decided that she was gonna be content with the little she was getting in that moment. Hearing Adore’s voice was always soothing, like a lullaby that could calm even the wildest beast. Bianca was lying on her bed, playing with her hair while listening to her, definitely more focused on her voice than what she was actually saying… at least at first.

“You know, I think I love her.”

That wasn’t anything new, Adore was always in love with her dates pretty soon. She wore her heart on her sleeve, and Bianca didn’t even understand how she could do it. It was so dangerous, to catch feelings that easily… but Adore had always said she’d rather be hurt multiple times than not feel anything at all. While Bianca was quite the opposite, she respected it, and she even admired Adore for being way braver than her - although she never told her that, or she knew she would never hear the end of it.

Still, hearing such strong words were enough to make her pay attention to the whole conversation.

“Really? What makes you say that?”

Adore sighed on the other end of the phone.

“I don’t know man, she’s just so perfect. She makes me feel safe, she never judges me and when we’re together I feel complete… if it makes any sense.”

“You know it doesn’t, at least not to me.”

Adore laughed for a few seconds, then she was silent for a while. Bianca waited for a while, and her patience was met with another deep sigh and an insecure voice immediately after.

“Am I crazy?”

It was impossible for her to resist whenever Adore sounded so scared and little. Usually, when they were together, Bianca would go out of her way and hug her to make her feel better, but this time the only thing she could do was grabbing the sheets a little harder and biting her lower lip.

“No, you’re not - or well, you are crazy, but not in a bad way. Feelings are unpredictable, didn’t you tell me that? I can’t tell you how to feel about this woman, Adore… all I can say is be careful. I don’t want to see you hurt.”

Again, she added in her mind, but she decided not to pry. They had similar discussions over the years, and she always failed to make her understand what she meant by it. It wasn’t a surprise: Adore had never been the kind of person to understand how to have some self-control, in any situation - it didn’t matter if it was something like alcohol, drugs or even relationships. What Bianca could do was be there for her, ready to catch her if she was gonna fall.

“Man, and I thought I’d never hear you quoting me when you give advice to someone… I have to write this on the calendar.”

They laughed for a second, the atmosphere immediately lighter. That was the Adore she liked to hang out with, the kind of person ready to make a joke about anything, to the point they would challenge each other to who would laugh first.

“What can I say, I suppose you’re influencing me.”

“Next time you’ll even be the one drunk calling me to pick you up from a strip club.”

Bianca snorted at the memory that the sentence brought back, and Adore giggled hearing the sound.

“Don’t push your luck Delano, I still have to forgive you for that night. And sometimes my car still stinks of puke.”

“Now you’re making shit up.”

They laughed again, even if for just a few seconds before Adore decided to speak again.

“Thank you Bea. I’m so glad I have you in my life.”

Bianca’s smile softened. That was everything she wanted to hear: as long as she knew Adore needed her in her life, everything was gonna be fine.

“Don’t mention it Dorey, I’m always here for you.”

Bianca didn’t open her eyes the third time.

When Adore organized a little party at her house, excited as a puppy, and Bianca found herself in front of this Jinkx as soon as she arrived. The woman was clearly uncomfortable with so many people that knew each other already, clinging on Adore’s hand as if it was a matter of life or death.

She was cute, just as she was in the pictures Bianca had seen… even much more cuter. Her eyes were always on Adore, with so much adoration that her stomach twisted at the view. Bianca decided she didn’t like her. She didn’t know what it was, probably because she looked way too innocent for her taste, to the point she couldn’t help but suspect she was hiding something - but she simply didn’t like her one bit. Still, Adore was clearly excited for everyone to meet Jinkx, so as soon as she saw her waving to Courtney after talking to her, Bianca made her way to the couple. Adore smiled at her, walking towards her as well and pulling Jinkx to her side.

“Hi Bea, you made it!”

She chirped, almost screaming since the music was loud. Bianca nodded, glancing just once to Jinkx to make her know she acknowledged her presence, then she looked back at Adore once again with a little smile.

“Of course I did, we haven’t seen each other in weeks. How could I miss it?”

She didn’t want to sound bitter about it, but she couldn’t help the sarcastic tone of her voice. Adore’s smile immediately faded for a second, before it came back a little shaky.

“I’m sorry, between work and everything else…”

Bianca didn’t need to look at Jinkx to know that “everything else” was her. She sighed, then: she came to the party to have a good time with her friend, not to fight - and it wasn’t right to be that bitter in front of a stranger, who was clearly not in her element.

“I know, I know. I’m just happy to see you.”

She said then, trying to sound more relaxed. That seemed to be enough, because Adore’s smile was wide once again and she could see Jinkx’s grip on her hand loosen up a bit. Adore looked at her date at that point, clearing her throat just as she was gonna make an announcement.

“I’m happy to see you too! This is Jinkx, my girlfriend. Jinkx, this is Bianca, my… well, friend, mom, sometimes grandma. It depends on the situation.”

Bianca snorted at the presentation, stopping the urge of pinching her hip like she always did when Adore made fun of her - instead, she looked at Jinkx and put on her best smile. While she didn’t like her immediately, she didn’t want to be rude… after all, the woman didn’t give her anything to really hate yet. She knew better than being rude to a stranger that was clearly so intimidated. Bianca shook her hand, her grip more energetic than Jinkx’s.

“Hi, nice to meet you. I don’t know how you put up with this brat, really - you have my respect just for that.”

Jinkx laughed at the joke - a cute laugh, that immediately made Bianca’s smile wider than before. Sure, it trembled a little when the redhead looked at Adore as if she was looking at the Mona Lisa itself, but she managed to keep it together. Why was it so difficult to be just happy witnessing the love she could see in Jinkx’s eyes? She told herself to get a grip.

“Oh I think she’s adorable. She’s the one that has to put up with me and all my shit.”

“That’s not true, you’re an angel!”

“And this is where I take my lead and find something to drink.”

Bianca chimed in with a fake laugh; she couldn’t bear anymore of that lovey dovey shit. It was clear that despite the attempt she made, Adore was still very much focused on Jinkx and that they weren’t gonna spend time with anyone else. She sighed then, making her way to Raja after waving goodbye to Adore and Jinkx, who was sitting with Manila on her lap while they were talking to other guests. She let out a deep sigh while sitting next to them: she wasn’t in the mood of being with another couple, actually, but that was surely better than being around Adore and Jinkx that seemed too focused on chirping like lovebirds to give a damn about the other guests.

Without a word, Raja passed her a glass full of wine, something Bianca accepted with gratitude.

“You don’t look like you’re having a lot of fun.”

Raja whispered to her, while Manila was all taken by the conversation she was having with her friend Carmen. They were talking about jewels, but Bianca couldn’t make out if it was anything else and she was definitely not interested in finding out more. Her eyes were still on Adore and Jinkx, laughing together, dancing, kissing even… and while she didn’t want to look at them, her eyes were constantly drawn to the couple, which meant her stomach would twist more and make her feel only worse. It was a never ending circle, and Bianca could only suppose it was because she felt like something was off with Jinkx.

She shrugged, tapping her nails on the glass.

“I wanted to see Adore, but she doesn’t pay attention to anyone but her girlfriend. As much as I love hanging out with you, I’ve seen you every weekend for the last month.”

Bianca sighed, taking another sip while she rubbed one of her temples with the other hand.

“I don’t know, I guess I just miss my best friend.”

Raja didn’t say anything for a while; she was the only one to which Bianca would feel comfortable talking about emotions and feelings, probably because she knew how to make her laugh immediately after - or because they were around the same age, while most of the girls at the party were not even thirty. She rubbed gently one hand on Bianca’s shoulder, trying to comfort her - not that it really helped, but Bianca was glad for the attempt.

“They’ve been official for less than a week, darling. They’re gonna stop being so clingy in a while, I mean, do you remember how I was with Manila when we first started dating?”

Bianca smirked at the memory - they had a big fight about that. At the time Bianca didn’t know Adore and Raja was the closest to a sister she had ever had, and when she found herself spending months without seeing Raja out of their atelier because she always had plans with Manila, they argued about it and didn’t even talk for at least a week.

“I remember you were insufferable. Well, I hope I won’t have to fight Adore as well to make her see what my point is.”

“I’m sure you won’t. Just give her some time, she always comes around after a while.”

“She also breaks up with them after a while.”

Raja raised an eyebrow, detecting the bitter tone in Bianca’s voice. She didn’t want to make a scene, she didn’t want to sound petty, but then Jinkx’s head was on Adore’s shoulder and they looked so fucking happy and she just couldn’t stand it. She could feel Raja’s hand on hers, and then she sighed, trying to calm down.

“We should be happy that she found someone that loves her so much.”

Her friend said, almost carefully as if she was concerned about making her angry. It was all so confusing, and irritating - but she didn’t want to lash out on Raja when even Bianca herself couldn’t really point the finger on what was bothering her. She already knew Adore would come around eventually, and yes, what kind of friend was she if she couldn’t be happy for her new relationship? Bianca sighed, trying to relax - even if it wasn’t easy, not when her eyes were naturally drawn to Adore and her blood boiled in her veins every time she saw her leaning on Jinkx.

“I am. I’m sorry, it’s just been a very long week.”

She lied, trying to give Raja a smile. The last thing she wanted was to ruin the party to everyone else just because she wasn’t feeling well - and as soon as she saw Raja opening her mouth to probably ask more - because of course Raja could read that she wasn’t being completely honest, what did Bianca expect after decades of friendship? - she stood up, faking a deep yawn.

“Don’t worry about me, maybe I just need to rest. I don’t know how you can keep up with a party like this at your age, Raja, I can barely stand now.”

She joked then, glancing one last time at Adore that was still busy chatting with Jinkx. She was sure she wasn’t gonna miss her, just like she didn’t look she missed Bianca at all in the latest weeks. The thought was so painful that Bianca felt as if she was drowning in her own thoughts, to the point she decided that yes, bailing out of the party was the best thing to do.

“Can you tell Adore I wasn’t feeling well, if she looks for me? I really need to sleep.”

Raja simply nodded, even if Bianca could see in her eyes that she wasn’t fooled at all. Bianca was always very honest, to the point people would call her rude, but that night she decided she didn’t want to open that jar, a jar that apparently had been waiting for her for a long time but that Bianca didn’t even want to acknowledge. She just waved her hand to her friends, all too busy to party to really see that something was going on in her mind - and for once, Bianca was grateful to not be at the centre of attention.

Something changed the fourth time, but Bianca’s eyes were still far way too closed to understand.

When after months Adore would finally hang out with her and her other friends, even if most of the times Jinkx was with them as well - and she was a sweetheart, as much as Bianca didn’t want to admit it. After a year everyone was used to her presence, and they even got along well, Bianca included. She was still on edge, trying to find something in Jinkx that would make her hate the redhead, but she didn’t find anything - actually, she found a shady side of her that made Bianca laugh her ass off a lot of times, to the point she ended up thinking of her as some kind of friend. Bianca just decided to give up and try to ignore the uneasy feeling she felt everytime Adore would hold Jinkx’s hand, or every time they kissed - she ended up thinking that maybe all she needed was someone to her side as well. She could already hear Raja and Courtney’s laughter once she would tell them that: Bianca Del Rio, the same woman that had looked down on love for decades, giving it a try? A vegan tiger was way more plausible.

She didn’t want to think about it though, not that night. It was Jinkx’s birthday, and she had been kind enough to invite even Bianca and Adore’s friends to her party, who were much more quieter than any of Adore’s. The music was sweet, just in the background and it let the guests talk normally without screaming, the food was good… by any mean, that was the kind of party Bianca had always enjoyed the most.

She was sitting there, next to Courtney and with a drink in her hand, laughing and talking about the other guests that they didn’t know - Courtney had just made a joke about a woman in particular, called Detox, that apparently was almost completely made of silicone. Bianca tried not to laugh too hard, faking a cough, when she felt a hand on her shoulder and she was met with a soft pair of green eyes that she knew far too well.

She smiled to Adore, making room for her on the couch as well.

“There you are, I almost thought you weren’t gonna show up - what kind of girlfriend arrives late at her partner’s birthday party?”

She teased her, but Adore didn’t answer. She seemed nervous, which of course made Bianca nervous as well; she never thought she was that empathic, actually, but whenever Adore was sad or upset Bianca could immediately feel the same just by looking at the sadness on her face. She placed a hand on Adore’s, squeezing it for a few seconds.

“A penny for your thoughts?”

Adore tried to smile, but she wasn’t successful. Bianca almost wanted to ask her more, but in the end she sat there, waiting for her friend to collect her thoughts; Adore sighed, placing her head on Bianca’s shoulder like she had done a countless amount of time in the past, and it never failed to make Bianca feel loved and needed.

“I’m nervous.”

“I can see that.”

Adore giggled a bit, pinching her arm before she went back to being serious.

“I just- well, you know I had troubles with Jinkx’s gift. I thought about it for months, but nothing seemed enough - she makes me so happy, she deserves much more than-”

“Adore, you’re getting distracted. I know you love her very much, but what is it that’s bothering you?”

Adore was biting her lips now, looking down to her own hands while they were playing. Bianca didn’t really understand: while Adore didn’t tell anything yet, it was clearly just nerves. Jinkx adored her, it was almost disgusting how much she loved Adore, why would she get so nervous about a gift? Adore, the same girl that once bought her a mug with “Best mom of the world” written on it and that when Bianca complained that she wasn’t so old, had shrugged and told her that she didn’t care, the gift was just fitting for how motherly Bianca had always been towards her, was now being nervous about something she had bought for the person she had spent all of her time with? To Bianca it didn’t make sense… but apparently, to Courtney did. The blonde had been listening the whole time, and she reached their hands still held together to place her own on them. She patted Adore’s gently, with a soft smile.

“It’s okay to be nervous, Adore. But you’re not the only one in love here, I’m sure Jinkx would take even a toothbrush from you with the same excitement I would have for an expensive necklace. You know her more than anyone else in this room, try to have a little faith.”

“And if she doesn’t like it, you can always tell her it was just a fake present and that the real one waits for her in your bedroom.”

Bianca’s joke seemed to do the trick, combined with Courtney’s little pep talk; Adore giggled again, looking a little more relaxed than before. She squeezed Bianca’s hand and then reached for Courtney to give her a little kiss on the cheek, whispering a “thank you”, before getting up now full of energy.

“I hope you guys are right. If anything goes south… can I crash at your place?”

She asked Bianca, who looked at her confused. What did she have in mind that could possibly make her feel like she needed company that night? Now she was really worried, but instead of showing it, she decided to nod and give her a smile.

“Mi casa es tu casa.”

Not like she actually needed it: as soon as Adore gave Jinkx the keys to her apartment, asking her to move in with her in front of everyone, the redhead started crying and hugged her. Everyone was happy, Adore was crying as well, a lot of other hugs were given… even from Bianca to the couple, no matter that she couldn’t find real happiness for the sudden news, but only a kind of pain she didn’t recognize, or that she simply didn’t want to understand. The only thing she knew was that seeing how happy the two of them were, taking a big step like this, made her even more angry and, at the same time, disgusted by herself.

Jinkx was going to stay in Adore’s life apparently, even if a malicious voice in Bianca’s head was trying to tell her that it didn’t mean it was going to be forever. The question was, would she ever make peace with that?

Bianca’s eyes were finally open the fifth and last time.

When in the end Jinkx was clearly gonna be forever in Adore’s life, something they decided to make official with a wedding. Bianca didn’t really react at the news, just giving them a soft smile and a hug, something that let her hide at least for a while how actually unhappy she was. She already had very little time to spend with Adore since the two of them moved in together - whenever they wanted to hang out Jinkx was either there or at least present through texts, as if Adore and her didn’t have enough time already to spend together - but for some reason the whole wedding thing made Bianca even more worried.

“Why are you even so worried? They’re already living together, it’s not gonna change anything.”

Bianca didn’t answer Raja that day, when they were working on Adore’s dress - after all, Bianca’s best friend was getting married, why wouldn’t she make her a dress?

She didn’t think Raja could understand that. Moving in together didn’t sound as permanent as marriage did, not to her. If the two of them just lived together, they could always just walk out if something went wrong… but once they were married that was gonna be just more difficult. It had been years at that point, and Bianca should’ve been used to their relationship and just be happy for them… but in reality, it was just getting worse. She managed to get through nights out with both Jinkx and Adore with smiles and laughs, but in reality her anger and disgust were just growing stronger, as ivy growing around her heart and it was killing it little by little. It was difficult to pretend to be happy with everyone whenever the topic was brought up, and the only thing that helped her was drowning in work. In the last couple of years Bianca was even more efficient than usual, to the point where every celebrity in Los Angeles wanted one of her dresses. She would never take any vacation and spend all her time in her studio, no matter how tired she was or how many times her friends would tell her to slow down a little. Working was the only thing that could stop her from feeling like the worst friend in the world, or worse, the worst person in the world.

The months before the wedding were just plain terrible. Adore wanted her opinion on everything, and Bianca couldn’t help but do it and give her everything she wanted just to see her smile, but at least she wasn’t alone in it. She had to spend countless of nights with Adore, Courtney, Raja and other friends just to help Adore decided where the wedding was gonna take place, what she was gonna wear and so on; wine also helped a lot with it, since she was more able to enjoy the moment without thinking about the bigger picture.

But then the day arrived, and since she woke up, Bianca knew how difficult it was gonna be. She couldn’t stop feeling as if something was ending, and that made her just more embarrassed with herself while she was getting ready. Adore had asked all of her friends to come to her place to get ready, but Bianca lied and told her she couldn’t be there before the wedding. Everyone believed her, since she always had so much work to do… even if Courtney, when she heard about it, glanced at her with a knowing look. Bianca didn’t care. The only difficult thing was looking at Adore’s sad eyes, knowing there was no way to win in that moment: either suffer all day looking at her best friend being nervous and happy about her marriage, or giving Adore a disappointment. She decided for the latter, because apparently it was getting more and more difficult not being a selfish cunt when you keep being surrounded by love that doesn’t shine on you as well.

Bianca sighed in front of the mirror, brushing her hair one last time; she had to be the best actress that day. She had already been an ass to Adore, the least she could do was being supportive the day of her marriage.

Unfortunately, that was way more difficult than she thought: she managed to smile through the whole first part, saying hi to the other guests and then taking her place.. but as soon as the ceremony started, Bianca’s throat closed. She had never seen Adore so happy, a big smile on her face and tears in her eyes, as if Jinkx was an angel that came down from heaven just for her… and the redhead had the same look on her face. It was so perfect, almost too perfect for her eyes - that suddenly, she found out surprised, they were filled with tears. And not good tears, the kind you spill for happiness, the kind that makes you ugly and pours out all the sadness you have inside just so you can be filled up once again later.

Suddenly, Bianca couldn’t breathe anymore: all she wanted to do was to run away, and so she did. She managed to have enough self control to walk instead of sprinting outside, whispering to Courtney that she wasn’t feeling well, but then she couldn’t see or think anything else but to get out of there.

She leaned on the church’s wall, taking a deep sigh that was interrupted by a sob. Bianca was always so controlled, but as soon as she let go of it, she wasn’t able to stop how much she was crying, her shoulders shivering violently with every sob. It was so frustrating feeling like shit and not understanding why she was so.. so jealous, just watching her friend getting married.

A gentle hand placed on her shoulder and Bianca, who had her face buried against her knees like a baby, raised suddenly her head just to find Raja’s concerned expression in front of her.

“Are you okay?”

Bianca let out a shaky laugh at the question, trying to wipe away the tears from her eyes. She couldn’t stop more from falling on her cheeks, though, no matter how hard she tried. How could Raja even think she was okay, when she was out there sobbing like a baby?

“What do you think?”

She answered, barely even able to put sarcasm in her voice. Raja sighed, her hand travelling to Bianca’s shoulder just so she could hold her close. Bianca didn’t really want that, she wanted to be alone more than anything else so she could calm down and go back inside - but Raja’s embrace was warm and familiar, and it helped her to calm down at least to stop sobbing so much.

They stayed silent for a while, but then Raja’s voice interrupted the shaky peace Bianca’s mind was finding in the moment.

“Why didn’t you tell her you’re in love with her when you had the chance?”

Bianca didn’t answer, in shock. In love? Her? With Adore? That was so stupid, so so…

She bit her lips, trying not to sob again. That was so stupid, but so true. No matter how much she tried to deny it, even to herself, she was madly in love with Adore, she had always been. There was no one that could understand her better than the younger woman, the only one able to see behind the angry facade she put up in front of the world and actually realize that the strong woman everyone saw was just like anyone else: scared of failure, and sometimes in need of affection even when she pushed everyone away.

But Bianca didn’t sign up for that, for being head over heels for a smile and a gentle voice. She kept thinking how ridiculous it would look to everyone else, because she was way older and nastier than Adore and there was no chance someone as bright as her could feel the same way about her… and apparently, she thought while thinking about her friend on the altar in that same moment, she was right.

She pushed aside all the feelings she had for Adore, all the “what if”s that every night would haunt her in the past and that after a few years simply vanished, until she thought it was even ridiculous to think how in love she was with Adore.

“She could’ve never loved me.”

“But-”

“Are you really gonna deny it? She’s getting married in this exact moment.”

“Let me finish one sentence, for fuck’s sake. You never gave yourself a chance. You decided she wasn’t able to love you.”

Raja’s words were harsh, but the only thing that actually hurt Bianca were how real they were. She never talked to Adore about how she felt, she even decided to hide it from herself till that moment… she was the only one to blame.As much as she wanted to yell at Raja, she knew she was at fault - and the thought only brought another sob. Raja held Bianca as close as possible, with a deep sigh.

“I’m sorry. I just wish things could be different.”

Bianca closed her eyes, hiding her face against Raja’s neck. The bells started singing their melody, a melody that for anyone inside that church was pure happiness, but for Bianca they sounded dreadful.

She tried to smile to her friend, with very little success - a bitter, twisted image of a smile appeared on her face.

“The evil queen never gets her happy ending, didn’t you know that?”

Raja’s eyes softened while she tried to wipe some makeup away from under Bianca’s eyes. The only thing that made the whole moment bearable, was that Raja didn’t look at her with pity.

“You were never the evil queen, as much as you like to play it.”

They heard people moving inside of the church, and Bianca’s hand was suddenly holding Raja’s sleeve. She didn’t want to see Adore, she didn’t want to witness her happiness or anything else going on there. It was too much to ask of her, after all those years…

Raja stood up, taking Bianca with her.

“I’ll tell them you’re not feeling well and then we’re going away. Is that okay?”

Bianca, the shadow of the woman she was just that morning, simply nodded in relief. In that moment every place was better than that one, especially with Raja, who apparently could understand her better than herself.

Three years later

“Did you remember to get the cake this morning?”

“Yeah, I did. Stop worrying so much B, everything’s just as on point as you wanted.”

Bianca sighed, sitting on the couch of the house Raja and her had been sharing for the last year. They had been dating for a while now, actually right after Raja broke up with Manila, who apparently felt as if her girlfriend preferred spending her time with the old witch than her… and she wasn’t mistaken, since the two of them found their way to one another a few months later.

It wasn’t the kind of love Bianca had always imagined, the one that Adore used to talk about all the time. It was calm, like a safe port after a storm: she knew Raja since they were kids, they knew each other better than anyone else, and after years of friendship it only felt natural to develop something more. There were fights, of course, but nothing too big, and even if Bianca’s heart maybe didn’t beat faster in Raja’s presence, whenever something bothered her it came natural to her to find her way to the other woman. It was easy and sweet, the kind of thing she needed in her life.

Raja sat down with her, her arm immediately around Bianca’s shoulders, who immediately placed her head on the other woman’s shoulder with a deep sigh. She was way too nervous about that dinner: they decided to invite Jinkx and Adore for a little party of their own, something they didn’t do in what felt like ages. After all, Bianca had been trying to avoid Adore as much as possible for a year after she married Jinkx, but now she felt like she could try and make amends, at least a bit. Adore and her had been cold towards each other for a while now, and even if Bianca told her that it was only because she had way too much work, she knew Adore had been asking around about what had happened. After a while she simply decided to ignore Bianca as well, and the two of them were in a weird place at that moment.

“Everything will be alright, I’m sure. After all, you guys used to be best friends, you just need a moment by yourselves.”

Raja reassured her, with a light kiss on the cheek. Bianca was still astonished that her own partner would set up a meeting with her former best friend and one sided love - if Raja was the one crushing on her best friend, Bianca would’ve never done the same… that just proved how much of a better person she was.

“I don’t know. I’ve been pretty nasty to her in the last few years, I’m even surprised she accepted to come.”

“She cares about you, and she probably wants to fix things. Give it a go, alright? Things are different now, maybe everything will be fine.”

Bianca couldn’t believe it, but she didn’t want to worry Raja more than she already was. She gave her a quick kiss, just before the doorbell rang, startling her a little. Raja was the first one to get up.

“I’ll go get the door, don’t worry.”

Things were awkward at first. Jinkx hugged both her and Raja, while Adore just shook Raja’s hand and flashed a smile to Bianca, who was just there, trying to look as less scared as possible. She didn’t know how to act, but apparently she didn’t need to: when they finally decided to get to the table, the conversation started to flow on its own. At first Raja and Jinkx were the two to make most of the conversation, with Bianca’s eyes fixated on her plate and Adore adding her two cents from time to time… but as the time passed, Bianca felt more relaxed, she found herself smiling at the jokes the other three were making and even ended up talking as well.

“For the fourth time, I wasn’t being rude-”

“B, you told the poor girl to get a personality if she wants to work with you. That was surely rude.”

Bianca sighed, with a small smile on her face while everyone else chuckled. It wasn’t as painful as she thought it would be: after all, Adore was the usual Adore, with her cute attitude and nasty language that always made Bianca laugh, and Jinkx was even more pleasant than she remembered. Maybe she underestimated herself; she didn’t feel any kind of pain whenever Adore held Jinkx’s hand, just a weird feeling that was probably leftovers from the former love she felt for her. Nothing more, she said to herself while playing with Raja’s hand.

Once they were all full, Jinkx started talking about the play she wanted to start producing during the year - and it immediately became the hot topic of the night. Both Bianca and Raja promised her to help with the outfits, since the play was settled in the Victorian age, and Jinkx was so happy about it that she couldn’t even sit properly, talking about the plot with so much life that even Bianca felt already hooked.

“I actually have some fabric in the car, you know…”

Jinkx said, with a smile and blushing cheeks. Bianca raised an eyebrow, confused: who in their right mind, besides someone working in the industry, would go around with fabric in her car, until the redhead cleared her throat.

“I wanted to ask you two for help, actually… so I thought I would bring you the fabric I wanted to use.”

The sneaky little shit had everything already planned - and the thought made Bianca grin, surprised. Jinkx had always been sweet and naive for what she had seen, this side of her was surely new and interesting. She heard Raja chuckle and getting up from the couch, where they decided to spend some time chatting after dinner.

“Come on, I’ll help you bring them up. I’m sure Bianca would love to see them, but she’s getting lazier and lazier everyday.”

“Fuck off.”

Raja blew her a kiss on her way out, making Bianca laugh for a second after she rolled her eyes. As soon as she and Jinkx were out, though, both Bianca and Adore fell silent. They talked during the rest of the night, yeah, but it wasn’t the same now that they were alone - there were no shields to protect themselves from the other, both with the constant reminder of how things had changed between them.

Adore was the one breaking the silence, looking right in front of her.

“It’s so weird being alone again.”

Bianca bit her lip, trying not to look too tense - and while she didn’t do a good job since she could already feel her shoulders a little higher than before, at least she let out a shaky laugh.

“Yeah, you’re right. It feels like it’s been a lifetime since last time we had a night out together.”

She knew she had no one to blame but herself, and she was ready to hear Adore angry at her, or maybe sad… but the only thing she saw on her face was a little smile. Maybe she didn’t look as happy as she usually was, but definitely content. Adore finally looked at Bianca, who smiled in return, feeling a little less tense seeing that they weren’t gonna argue that night.

“I’ve missed you.”

Adore confessed; Bianca’s heart had a little jump hearing those words, and before she could even think about it, her hand reached Adore’s and held it tight. She felt the same: closing Adore out of her life had been a mistake, she could see it now - nothing was the same without her bubbly personality, able to find the good in everything and in all the situations. Maybe Raja was right: that night could be a way to start their relationship again.

“I’ve missed you too. I’m sorry I’ve been so distant, it’s just been all so.. Hectic.”

“I know, I know… but for a while I thought I did something wrong.”

Bianca tightened her grip on her hand; no, it was never Adore’s fault - it was just hers, and her pride’s.

“Don’t ever think like that. You did nothing wrong, it was just… life. We both had too much to worry about to be able to hang out as much as we did before, it happens. Now that we have more time we could try to go out together again, mh?”

Adore nodded at her words - Bianca really hoped that they could do that, she wanted nothing more but to be the Thelma to her Louise again. There was silence for a while again, but it was a light, calm silence, like they simply wanted to enjoy each other’s presence. Then, Adore spoke again, after laughing for a few seconds.

“It’s kinda funny how we drift apart, you know? My mother always said we were so close she was sure we were dating right under her nose. How can I blame her? I had such a crush on you for years before- well, before Jinkx.”

Bianca stared at her, surprised and shocked at the same time. The air in the room felt suddenly heavy, too much for her to handle.

Adore had to be joking. That was the only possible explanation, she was surely joking- but her red cheeks and the vulnerable expression in her eyes told Bianca otherwise.

Adore had a crush on her. Adore. Had. A. Crush. On. Her. That was bullshit. No way she actually thought of Bianca as someone that she could date - but in horror, she realized that maybe things could’ve been different. Maybe the one with a wedding ring could’ve been her, and not Jinkx. There were too many maybes, ifs, too much to consider, and Bianca’s brain was about to explode.

But she couldn’t just get up and go away, not when Adore looked so fragile. She sighed heavily, stroking the back of her hand with her fingers.

“Well, I can’t blame her either. You weren’t the only one with a crush.”

It was the first time Bianca admitted her feelings to anyone who wasn’t Raja, and even if it was something of the past, she still felt as if a weight was finally taken off her chest. It still hurt knowing how things could’ve been… especially once she glanced at Adore, who was looking at her with disbelief in her eyes, the same eyes that soon filled with tears.

“Oh.”

She only said, with a shaky voice. Bianca wanted nothing more but to reach for her and hug her, but it wasn’t her place to do so - not in that case. It would’ve just made everything worse, more painful for both of them.

She let Adore realize what she meant, in complete silence. At that point, Bianca was ready to get yelled at, or something on that same note… instead, Adore just sat there, looking in the distance, as if she could see what their future would’ve looked like if they had been honest since the beginning.

After a few minutes of complete silence, the younger one cleared her throat; her eyes were still teary, but her voice was a little more confident than before.

“Do you… do you think we would’ve been happy?”

“Yes. Yes, very happy.”

Bianca answered without even thinking. Their eyes met one last time: Bianca wanted to tell her how much she had loved her and how it pained her, seeing Adore so happy with Jinkx and that she could’ve been way happier with her, she was sure of that… but when she opened her mouth to talk, the door opened again and Raja and Jinkx were back. Bianca took her hand away from Adore’s immediately, painting a smile on her lips, just as Adore did the same. She kissed Jinkx while Bianca helped Raja with the fabric: that was their life now. Beautiful, fake lives that would fit them well… but never really make them happy.

#biadore #im just gonna tag the ship from now on since people like to bitch about this a lot lmao #my fics #lesbian au

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