#truely he has NEVER passed the vibe check.

[grimmjow]

can yall please shut up about taika waititi now that hes come out as a zionist

#text #g talks #i hate that man so much #truely he has NEVER passed the vibe check.

[myndincognitus]

entry

Barely had any sleep Friday night which made me poor company for mum on Saturday, which was inconsiderate of me, but I never sleep well next to boys that don’t slip neatly into ‘just friends.’

Coming up 7 years ago I met a boy, he was freshly single, freshly shaved and newly broody. Not down to be a rebound after his recent messy break up, we hung out, he stayed over but I kept everything PG, not even a kiss, though I had wanted to. At the time I quite liked learning that in Europe it could cost more to get a kiss from a working girl than to have sex with her, because kissing was so intimate and not even a working girl would give up her kiss easily, so I had new motive to not give mine away so freely which I never had really refrained from in the past.

Give him a week and he is dating a friend of a friend, which I discover on a group outing when they arrive holding hands, smooching and checking on me in their peripherals.... I am fine, they are a better suited match than I would have been and they had been friends for years. Give us a month and the three of us are sewn at the hip, we sleep side by side by side after parties and late nights out.  Give us 6 months and Boy rolls over in his sleep, and pulls me in close...I lye there enduring the duality of lust and guilt fire until I can’t stand the heat and I sit up at 3am to bail not only on the slumber party, but on the menage et toi which was our 3 way friendship. Possibly even sadder to lose her over him. Give them 6 years of dating, living together, getting matching ink and they are split. But not without some incidental actions by yours truely.

About two months before their split, after a rare group catchup with boy and his friends where his lady wasn’t in attendance, after manly lusty stares and palpable vibes, I let the cat out of the bag and tell him I probably like him more than I should. We were about to miss the last train out of the city for the night and he had suggested we stay the night and head back in the morning... I’ve never been much of a liar so figured the truth was as good a reason as any to explain why that wasn’t such a hot idea. Turns out he has his own bag of confessions to empty out, least of which was that he liked me too.

For the hours it takes to get out of the city we weave talking about our feelings in with catching up over the small things from the last 6 years and conclude that the feelings don’t have to be followed through with anything. It’s nice to be liked but things as they are were also good. We go on to text and flirt every day for a fortnight, and after a few failed attempts at radio silence I cut the tie and give my brain some air.

As if a gift from the universe for my born again moral compass, I have a short and intimate fling with an Adonis who I quickly retreat from when I realize we are terribly matched in everything except lust. I treasure that he will be a perfectly surreal memory that I capped a lid on before any of the magic could wear off, perfect precisely the way it was.

A month slips by and boy (not Adonis) contacts me again in casual conversation, to not so casually announce the breakup with his lady. In the month that follows there are lots of texts for the sake of texts over quality content, there are catchup plans that fall through and nights out that are cancelled till we are both on board for a group long weekend of hiking.

He steals a kiss one night when we are the last two up, I move to get up to go to my bunk and he pulls me in to kiss me. He opens his mouth wide, it is dark and he misses my mouth a little, we both needed to brush our teeth and I give him a small kiss back. I shake my head to say no and whisper “no until we are alone” and I take myself to my bunk and wipe my face on my sleeve... he sends me a lackluster txt immediately after “I’m sorry if that was awkward”. After the weekend is through he drops me at the train station and I give him a small albeit encouraging kiss. I still want this, but I want it without worrying about other peoples eyes.

The next week he meets me on Friday night for dinner and drinks, we manage our own fun at the arcade with smack talk and small jokes. The conversation when we stop for a drink doesn’t flow well and jumps from dry small talk to literal commentary on our courting and recounting 6 years of build up. I still feel sick after a week of being unwell and I don’t eat dinner, boy also isn’t up for finishing of my pint for me so we head back to mine and we pass people who are only just on their way out now, at 9pm. I am a bit disappointed and am certain we will go out again later, I sense boy is glad to be going to mine and not hoping to another bar.

Back at mine we lye on my bed and listen to music, we talk about his break up and I learn there was no real reason for it, they just never saw each other and neither were making an effort come the end. He tells me he was ready to marry her and have children but if they never each other because the work opposite each other, then it just wasn’t going to work. I realize he is not as free or available as he thinks and he doesn’t know what he wants from one moment to the next. He can’t trust himself, he speaks his mind but his mind speaks riddles.

He ignites nothing in me but I contemplate playing around for the sake of the 6 years of foreplay, 6 years is a long time, and i giving up easy? With so many strings tied to friends and his inability to trust himself, I figure even ‘a little fun’ wouldn't be guaranteed to be fun. What a thing, to have such a long mounting build up to a succession of bad kisses, mild petting and a little dirty talk.

We lye for hours and we cannot sleep, we just loop in our uncertainty. We smoke a little weed which helps break our rhythm and cut some tension, I let him fondle me but even then he does not know what he wants and immediately asks if he is good and then proceeds to apologize. So we lye for hours more, still without sleep and locked together neither moving closer together or further apart.

In the morning we go for breakfast and he is vacant without sleep. I am glad we made no progress and at the same time a little burnt when he says he is glad nothing happened. I agree but wish he would have used softer words.

He checks in with me every day.