#two options i never wouldve really expected myself to love but i do!!!

[donwilhelmina]

Can we walk across the waves, ser?

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[unsafe-l0v3-blog]

Letters To No One

Chapter 1

Dear No One,

I don't know if you'll ever see this. Maybe you do, maybe you don't. Obviously I'd want you to so I'm not just wasting my words. Although this is a letter to no one. So I hope "no one" reads this. Get it...?? You see what I did there...?? I crack myself up sometimes. I guess that's all I can do when I'm feeling the way I am. I'm trying to figure things out. Just like everyone else that had a Tumblr account. We're all lost trying to find something, but usually we just find other lost souls. I found that in you. I didn't necessarily find you on Tumblr, but I'm implying that you are that lost soul that I found. And I fell for you. I wasn't really much of a lost soul myself, but I got lost in you. And you helped me see things deeper than anything I had seen, and even to this day there is a connection between us that I know is unmatched to anyone either of us will ever meet. But if I have that connection with you, that means I have a connection with "no one"... No one understands me, no one is there for me, no one stays, and most recently I found out that no one loves me. But if you are that "no one", I suggest you reread that last sentence.

Chapter 2

Dear No One,

I think it's safe to say that I do love you. I mean there are lots of people who claim to love "no one". But did they ever show it? I'm curious if their sexual desires got in the way. They found it easy to get what they wanted because you needed them to survive, but once they were bored they would just use to satisfy their craving. It hurts because I was expected to stand by and watch. However I couldn't, and I chose to be there for you, becuase the thing that was holding me back from you was starting to slip away. From the outside in, it would seem as though you were just a second option. However it was a lot more complicated than that. To say you were my first option would be a lie, because I would've chosen to be with you from the beginning. I wouldve chose to be with "no one" for lack of better words. However that wasn't the case. I felt stuck and yet my eyes were focused on you and on a way out. But as I was reaching away I couldn't let go. And that caused hurt and pain, until finally the thing that I was holding on to let go.

Chapter 3

Dear No One,

Since there was nothing holding me back from you I chose to put my everything in you. I was all in, yet you were a long way from that. You would tell me about all your other "nobodies". And I call them "nobodies" because they were just people, faces passing by in a time and place. The difference between a "nobody" and "no one", it that there is only one "no one" and the importance of that person is much greater than a "nobody" who's just a faceless body who is only there for a time and place. Anyways, to you I was never quite sure what you saw me as. And for days I tried to figure you out, but it was no use. I basically gave u everything and expected nothing. So what did that mean?? I was basically a "nobody" to you, but I had the potential to become a "no one". All this terminology may be confusing, but I hope you understand. Anyways, I saw what was happening and I decided to go with the flow of things and that's where it started to fall apart.

Chapter 4

Dear No One,

You know that feeling you get when you fall asleep on your arm, and you wake up with your whole arm numb and you can't move it at all? But then you realise that it's still there you just need to wait for the numbness to go away. But if you try to move it while it's not fully numb you feel sharp pain of pins and needles stabbing your flesh relentlessly. That's the only way to describe my disappearance. When you go through something intensely emotional you can either chose to forget or to face it head on and get over it. I chose to forget and just felt the numbness that came with it. However I did feel real love when I was with you. For the whole time we spend time in each others presence, I couldn't see or think of anything but you and us. But that's because my "arm" was completely numb and you were the one laying on it. Now don't think to yourself it was a bad thing. Trust me it was all good. You made me happy and I honestly felt a love deeper than anything I've ever felt before. But once u eased up off my "arm", and I stopped seeing you, I was by myself again. And the numbness started to go away and I fought it. I fought it so hard that it almost took my life. And that is as real as real gets. It's hard to tell u now that it would've worked if you never stopped distracting me and keeping me numb. But both you and I know that it wouldn't have been healthy. So I did the only thing I knew how to do, I left. I left to be alone. I left to figure things out. But as you know, I'm not as strong as you are, and I just fell back into what I was let go from. It was like a rubber band that had been torn but now was being tied together again. It's obviously still a rubber band but if you show anyone they can tell that it was broken and wouldn't last forever.

Chapter 5

Dear No One,

I guess this is where we are now. In a complicated love triangle. On one hand I have someone who is far from perfect and has hurt me more than anyone has, someone who violated my trust and loyalty in the worst ways possible, someone who won't make sacrifices for me and tries to live life as if there was no rules. Then there's you, you never did anything to hurt me, you never once left me, and you're still here and willing to drop everything to commit to me. I'm honestly speechless. And if someone where to look at this from the outside it would be an easy decision, but it's not theirs it's mine. I know what I have rn is broken, and I've tried to let go and I can't. There is so much going on in my head that honestly I can't feel numb anymore. I feel everything now, every little thing. Every little attempt at contacting me I feel it. Every voicemail, every message, I feel it all. And I'm just trying to survive to tomorrow. I'm not talking in code or in my artsy clever way anymore. This is my final letter and if you're reading this I hope you understand. But I know you probably won't be able to and tbh I probably never will either. The fact is that I'm committed here where I am and I'd do the same for you if the situation is reversed. I'm not going to just give up. I'm one to fight until I'm in too much pain to hold on anymore. And I hope that you know that if you were in her place I'd do the same for you. In her defense I thought she would give up entirely but she hasn't. She's trying too, and I'm not gonna give up on her or anyone who would be in her position. I love her. And it's not to say I don't care about you. It's just so complicated idk where to even start. I'm still figuring this out. This whole post was supposed to me partly for you to understand that I'm not ignoring you because I had u and I'm trying to hurt you, because that's not what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to help u understand that I just need time and space to figure this out on my own. No help and no interference. I know it's hard and I know it hurts but you gotta believe I'm doing everything in my power to figure this all out for you and for her, because it's not fair to either of you if idk what I'm even doing. I care about you a lot and there will never be another you that can take your place. You will forever be special to me and nothing and nobody can change that not even her. I do truly believe you can love two people at once. In different ways that is, and society looks down on us for it, but it obviously happens. And it happened with her too, so I'm not gonna be the hypocrit here. I guess all I'm trying to say is I just need you to understand that this is not meant to hurt you or anyone for that matter. I will always love you, and rn I just need time to figure things out. If you can wait and if you can hold on, I can't promise you'll get anything out of it and I'm not trying to build your hopes up, but it is a gamble. And everyone who gambles has a chance to win. No matter how small the odds are. If u lose hope, I understand. If I'm left lonely than it is what it is. This world is not in our control, we just live here. And nothing that has happened or will happen will ever prevent us from becoming who we were supposed to become. The future is inevitable, and I can't tell you what happens on the way there and how it's all gonna go but I know that whatever happens, it was meant to happen that way. So if this is goodbye then I hope it's the sweetest and most memorable goodbye you ever have. You will always have a place in my heart, and no matter what happens, I thank you for being a friend and so much more. Te quiero mucho. Goodbye. See you soon or in another life.

Love,

Your No One

[serenavonromvesen]

September 21st, 2019.

I really don’t know where else to vent but on tumblr. I have always used tumblr as an outlet for venting and I’m reaching a point where I really just need to write out how I’m feeling, without cramping my hand writing with pen and paper.

I feel really lonely as far as friends go. I have an AMAZING group of friends, but so many of them live far away. I have my tribe and I feel I will always have that, but its never the same as having lady friends, I literally have like three or four ladyfriends that I can actually hang out with in person, and only one of them is someone I didnt meet through my boyfriend first. its not that I have anything I want to share behind him, its that I always feel like on some level they’re always more his friend than mine- and at that, I didn’t choose most of them to be in my life, they were given to me. don’t get me wrong, I’m SO grateful for anyone I do have currently in my life. I just don’t have any friends who truly understand me, and especially not that are into the things that I am. I would love so much to be able to be friends with another tattoo model in my area, and ACTUALLY genuinely have a real friendship. I emphasize ‘genuinely’ because this industry is FULL of backstabbing bitches that would throw you in front of a bus to get one more step ahead of you. I just want a girl I can hang out with all the time SO bad. and the one person here who is awesome, works like ALLLLL the time. it sucks pretty bad when you only have one true friend and they end up getting way too busy for you. she’s supposed to move away anyways she said, so I guess I better get used to it now anyways. I’m just so sad of having no girls to actually hang out with. Skyping with my best friend is great, but it just isnt the same- and a lot of time I do get put aside compared to actually going to hang out with people anyways. which i dont have here.

now, I’m SUPER introverted, nervous, shy, socially awkward AND anxious, and sometimes I have a hard time making normal conversation. in fact, I am always secretly bothered by the fact that I’m PRETTY SURE i have some form of Autism, but I would never actually say that I am being diagnosed, but I am terrified to find out. I once emailed a place to ask some questions and set an appointment, but I never heard back.. that was i think last year. Anyways, I don’t want a ton of friends or anything. I dont want to hang out every day- it’s exhausting. but I still want the option to be able to call someone up in those rare days where I do feel like going outside or seeing people, to actually have fun. I used to have that in New Jersey, my group of girls that I hang with an we all really support each other. I miss them so bad. I am SO homesick for like, the last two years now. I try not to think about it if I can help it, but I miss my friends, I miss my mom.. I hate that I’m missing my baby cousins grow up, I hate that I’ve FINALLY made a connection with some of my cousins and now I’ll rarely ever see them, I hate that I can’t do body suspensions more often, I hate that I don’t get to see my brother Sean when he visits... but most of all I do HATE New Jersey and could never live there. I just wish so bad it hadn’t been like 4-5 years since I’ve seen my friends and family. it hurts. I’m so homesick for just the strong friendships I have.

I just...know its possible. I know its possible to have the small group of friends I want. I just wish girls weren’t so...mean and competitive. I just feel so lonely. I feel like I don’t have anyone to hang out with thats a female. why is everyone so far away? I’m home alone all day every day. you’d think a puppy wouldve made me feel less alone, but really I’m a thousand times more stressed than ever. I wanted to move for a fresh start, to breathe, so enjoy peace...and as soon as I got here everyones over all the time and it just reminds me how I dont have friends of my own, and how my friends dont come to visit me, and how I never get a second to myself. I finally got the chance and heres this puppy. i love him with my life but I AM SO STRESSED!!! I’m with him 10-14 hours a day by myself and then half of the time I’m still the one dealing with him at the crack of dawn, too. I never get time alone unless he sleeps and then I have to walk on eggshells to not wake him up- AND I DIDN’T EVEN FUCKING WANT THIS!!! when I was forced to give up my other pupper, Hades, I said I never wanted a puppy again because IT IS TOO MUCH FOR ME. it puts me on edge and greatly disrupts my bipolar. i literally CANT handle it. I said I would get a dog no younger than 2 years old. I wanted a border coli so bad, maybe even a doberman because I still miss my old dog Max SO MUCH! I like bigger dogs and never really was a big fan of little dogs. I like a dog I can give a whole ass hug to, and feel protected by when I walk alone down a street with him. but no, Michael had to choose, he wanted a puppy, he wanted a small-type pure bred dog which means it’ll be twice as expensive twice as often with vet visits. but he wanted it. he insisted. and now, here we are, just like scooping the litter boxes for all 4 cats, its pretty much almost entirely left on me to do. for so so long I told myself “well he works and I dont really work, I’m home all day and hes not here much to have the time for it.” but you know what I realized? That when I worked full time at Starbucks, or when I worked two jobs at both the Smoke Shoppe AND Spencers, that I still put in the same amount of work as all of this- I was still expected to do all of this. at that, I am SO SICK AND TIRED of him asking me EVERY FUCKING DAY “will you mop today? will you do the laundry? will you do that dogs medicine? will you change the cat boxes?” periodically throughout every morning. like oh, I didn’t realize that I was a fucking 4 year old that needs direction on needing to do basic fucking cleaning tasks!!!!! the only reason I dont get to half that stuff most of the time is that I’m annoyed as fuck at being told what to do / treated that way, and that by the time he leaves for work theres been a whole fucking list of shit lined up that I now feel EXPECTED to do before hes home from work. it literally aggravates me SO MUCH just typing about it because im so fucking pissed off that he does this EVERYMOTHERFUCKINGDAY. it makes me feel angry and completely overwhelmed and then I just spend my entire day dreading it then rushing to do it right before he gets home from work. I just fucking hate it. like I’m fucking 25 years old, I know what the fuck to do to keep the fucking house clean, thanks.

at that, between the no friends, the fucking belittlement of being given a verbal list of chores every day, and the stress from puppy I absolutely did NOT ask for, I am feeling so depressed. I wanted a new house so I could ENJOY it, but instead any moment in my backyard is spent trying to get the puppy to stop eating random crap the people before us left- like glass, I cant enjoy how the inside looks because theres puppy training pads all over the floor which the floor is always dirty because of being in and out of the house with the puppy, or just even a moment of peace at all. like literally this defeated the whole entire purpose of wanting to move. its still a gazillion times better than the trailer, I still totally love this house, but because of my stress and loneliness level, I feel nearly just as depressed as before.

what doesnt help is lately Michael has been SO negative abut things. it’s like when I finally am enjoying myself, he comes through like a wrecking ball being negative, depressing, unsupportive, argumentative, and just plain giving off vibes that make me feel so down. He still makes me feel super happy like 98% of the time, but it is such a downer when hes being super negative about EVERYTHING. or when he gets my hopes up about things and then goes back on his word. he LOVES to tell me yes to shut me up then saying no when it becomes real, a mega part of why I haven’t gotten to visit my family in 4 years. and then he makes me feel SO bad about it. he has no problem bragging to everyone about a vacation, but when its just us suddenly its “I have to do this on my own” and “it’s expensive” like really? thanks for bragging about it for two months, waiting until we have it a month away to tell me its 100% on me to plan it, then complain about everything I tried to plan, WHILE making me feel like a complete and utter loser that I’m a failure at everything I try to do so now I don’t make any money. I literally fucking hate myself again. that’s where I’m at. I’m starting to find my body, my hair, my face- all of it repulsive. I hate how I look. I hate my hair and how my dreads are all lose, but I have to ask him for money to be able to fix my hair. he always tells me just ask and it isnt a problem but then when I do want to do things he makes me wait ages and puts it off or flat out complains- or if it all goes smoothly he throws it in my face the first fight we have. I just feel like such a fucking loser, that’s getting uglier by the day. and when I finally worked up the courage to go to the gym, its like pulling teeth to get him to go- I’ve been asking for a year and we STILL haven’t gone. I want to be a breakdancer SO BAD and I’ll never get to do that if I can’t go to the gym to work out. he tells me to just go but he doesnt understand that being a woman alone in public these days you’re at extreme risk of being raped and 10/10 multiple dudes will trying saying gross things and hitting on you/catcalling. I wish so so so so so bad I could go out for a day and have not a soul talk to me or look at me. what a dream that would be. I just cant go alone. its literally dangerous. scary.

I just feel so STUCK. I want to make money so I can contribute to the house and pay for what I need MYSELF. I never ever liked being someone who fully depends on someone like that. hell, a decade ago I refused to let anyone even get me a simple drink from a convenience store. it still feels uncomfortable to have to be like this. I want to be able to take care of myself. to know that if it was just me that I wouldnt just...be out on the streets. now I’m getting married and its a great relief that thats a less legitimate fear, but I still want to be able to take care of myself so that I could help my babe. he works SO hard for us and spends SO much money taking care of us, I just want to be able to pay my part of that and make HIS life easier, so that we BOTH can do more things that we like instead of just paying bills till the next check. I feel so useless and worthless. but everything I try to do I just fail at, or I’m too depressed and just lose the passion for it. or the will to do nearly anything. I really thought moving was going to change everything for me but... I feel nearly just as depressed. the environment change has definitely helped but, it didn’t suddenly cure my depression like I hoped for..

I just feel so alone, in like, literally everything I try to do. I feel like I don’t fit in anywhere. when I do think I fit in, it just turns out to be a delayed rejection. I swear I get screwed over and stabbed in the back more often than anyone I’ve ever met in my life. I’m easily forgotten and definitely easy to fuck over. I just wish people werent so hateful and selfish... all I want is to have female friends I can actually hang out with, have some help with my puppy, to talk to my fiance without him thinking I’m having an argument, to workout so I can dance, and to do something I love that makes me happy that I can make money with. I feel like I failed as a model too. I make all these plans and then.. I can never accomplish them. I often think, is it worth it really? to compete with all these girls when I dont care about competition? to be screwed over because I’m an opponent to everyone I wish I was friends with? to try and build working-relationships with photographers who seem to forget about me before I even get my pictures back? to not be paid for modeling when I spent tons of money on clothes for shoots? to not have my name out there after a year and a half? to not even be able to find a photographer that wants to shoot for publication? or be told I’m not inked enough to shoot again (the day after I got tattooed?)? I just feel like a failure. I spent over a thousand dollars on clothes for shoots, plus all traveling expenses, to have only ever profited $50 one time and then never get my edited photos back. I just feel like I’m not worth anything, that I can’t contribute or make money without making myself excessively unhappy working jobs I hate- only to be belittled there too.

I don’t even care about social media anymore. I don’t care to check instagram or post on it. why? so I can spend two hours doing makeup so I could post a selfie to write another caption telling everyone that “one day” I’ll do more? what’s the point? If only I had someone I could invite over to talk to about it :( I just feel so...unexcited by everything. like Stan in the episode about shit. I’m bored, I feel gross, I feel lonely, I’m overwhelmingly stressed, I’m growing to hate myself again, and I feel like I don’t have the positive influence I need to get better. I WANT to get better, I just need help and I don’t have anyone I feel I could reach out to that could actually help me. I just really need a friend...

#lonely #need friends #personal #feeling small #journal entry