If you or someone you know is struggling, you are not alone. There are many support services that are here to help.
If you are located in the United States, consider reaching out to the National Alliance on Mental Illness HelpLine.
If you are located in the United Kingdom, The Mix is here to help you with any challenge you are facing. Reach out online, on social or through their free and confidential helpline.
If you are reading this from within any other country in Europe, Mental Health Europe has compiled a list of helplines and other resources in your country.
For more resources, please visit our Counseling & Prevention Resources page for a list of services that may be able to help.
One thing that strikes me is... a certain difference between Jevil's & Spamton's reaction to the awful truth of them only being video game NPCs.
Jevil was like, "NOTHING MATTERS, IT'S ALL A GAME, GAME! HEY GUYS! GUESS WHAT! NONE OF YOU ARE REAL! YOU'RE ALL 1'S & 0'S! MUHAHAHA! GO CRAZY WITH ME! I CAN JUST KILL YOU ALL, BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT REAL!"
But Spamton... he kept it to himself. He didn't try to take everyone else down with him into that horrifying truth. & he didn't seem to devalue everyone else, either; it's not just him that's a puppet, after all, but EVERYONE in the game. EVEN the Lightners! (Remember, he mentions wishing to help them break their own strings... Even the Lightners are Darkners to us players! O_O)
Even though he knew everyone's programmed & limited... he STILL missed his friends. He didn't go try to drive them insane with the revelation too, even though they had hurt him so badly. He totally could have... but he didn't.
One of the first things he brings up when we first meet him, is how upset he is that his friends abandoned him. Then there's the painfully raw lines in the Weird Route battle, about crying out their names at the bottom of the dumpster, showing how deeply his solitude has been hurting him.
Even though they're just code, well, he is too. & he's capable of thinking somewhere outside his programming. Maybe he thinks they can too (or could, if they knew what he knows). They still matter to him, somehow. They may have been terrible friends... but he still sees them as deserving better than to go through what he was going through. & they still matter enough for him to miss them terribly.
He only shares this knowledge with Kris, likely because he could instinctively tell that Kris was already aware of their own control & limitations.
Even after being rejected by all repeatedly & abandoned, & having every right to think of everyone as just things he could freely exact vengeance on... All he wanted was to get out of there & become real, not take them all down with him. And he was letting them just live in blissful ignorance.
(Except of course with the Weird Route, in which case he DOES stop caring & wants to rule. But he was in a very vulnerable mental condition, & that change is due to the player pushing a certain opportunity in front of him. & his desperation forces him to grab that chance & double down on it, thus pulling apart that delicate thread of sympathy.)
And note: I'm not saying Jevil is worse or less deep as a character; it's terribly sad, how lonely this must have made him feel, how isolated he must feel. He had friends, entertained people, probably was quite outgoing & social... only to find the "truth", & his takeaway was that his whole life was a lie. & that he's actually never had anyone in his life who matters after all, just robots reading a script... It's just the hopeless way his mind happened to twist. A misery that might be a lot harder for him to ever recover from.
But the fact that Spamton still seems to CARE about others, even after all he's been through & how he's been treated, even with the knowledge that everyone is 'fake'... I just find that remarkable.
I'm jealous of those who can function like a normal human being. They don’t have anxiety holding them back from everything, they don’t struggle to get out of bed or have to put on an act that everything is fine when its not. They don’t struggle to hold friendships and relationships... they don’t feel sad for no fucking reason everyday. Those that can hold jobs and work towards their dreams, the ones who have self esteem and see the beauty in themselves. Those that know what its like to feel safe and secure, not insecure and fearful of it all.
image description under cut:
I worry about empty houses. [an image of a house, with the words empty and houses each in windows]
Which is funny, really. I’ve always liked being home alone at my parents house. [the author, a white woman with a ponytail and sweater, is perched on stairs, seen from the side. Hung on the wall by the stairs are images of a family. Around the corner is visible an empty dining room, chairs pulled out from the table.]
Even at college, it’s nice to be the only one in the suite for a while. [the author sitting upside down, feet and legs on a chair, a phone on the ground nearby, playing music] It can be peaceful.
But ultimately, I like having people to come home to, to eat with, to live with. [the author walks through open door, starting to shrug off a coat. On the far side of the room lounges a friend, on his phone and raising a hand in greeting, not looking up.]
And I must assume that’s a fairly common desire. [a group seated around a table, eating a meal, and gesturing as if talking. Empty speech bubbles come off the group, indicating conversation.] Humans are, after all, social creatures.
But when I look to the future, I worry about empty houses. [figure standing at the end of a path, at the end of which is a house, similar to the one on the first page.] I see them at the end of a lot of paths.
All it takes is for your roommate to become someone else’s romance and well. [inside a house, a couple holds each other, while the figure sits outside, on the stairs to the door.] There’s not much room for someone to be both. (Not no room, I know) (not enough room.)
The assumption seems to be, you date someone, and then you live with them. [a couple lying next to each other in bed, covered mostly by a sheet.] It does, admittedly, make logistical sense.
It just rather doesn’t make much room for people who don’t date. [figure sitting alone in bed, back against the wall and feet dangling off the edge] It just rather doesn’t make much room for me.
And there are other options. I know that. [a group sits around comfortably on a couch] I’m not inevitably doomed to an empty house.
I just wish my path away were as clear as everyone else’s seems to be. [ figure standing at the start of a path, which winds into fog.]
Things no one tells you about when you’ve been mentally ill for years and it won’t get better
— everyone will give up on you. Some will say it upfront, some will have indirect ways of showing it (you’re a lucky mf if you still have someone )
— your symptoms/ breakdowns/ panic attacks are cute for a few months. Everyone wants to help. Later on people find them annoying and inconvenient
— you will be blamed for not getting better. Doesn’t matter if you’re doing therapy, taking meds, exercising, eating well and sleeping. You can do all of it, some of it or none of it. They will find fault in your efforts.
— desensitization to your pain. This one isn’t their fault, it’s human nature. But it happens and yes it hurts cuz you would wish you were desensitized to your own pain but you have to feel it no matter what. Doesn’t matter if it’s the millionth time. It demands to be felt.
— people move on. But you can’t. You see people cope and get over things while you simply can’t. And it’s so much worse if you’ve been mentally ill for years. Even the smallest things break you and trigger you.
— you slowly realize this world isn’t made for mentally ill people in any way
— you’re tired / fatigued all the time. You have been for years now. You simply exist but you aren’t capable of living anymore. Your illnesses have taken everything that made you feel alive. You’re nothing but a shell. A body.