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I may not be the prettiest, smartest or strongest person and not even close determinet, and not everyone’s friend, but I’ll win in life, no, I’ll win the fucking life itself. Let’s go bitches, if I can do it, you for sure can too. Don’t be a fucking pussy and start fighting for what you are and what you believe in.

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All those years of FINALLY accepting myself for who I am. Including this bit of stomach pudge that refuses to go away, came crashing down today. One of the girls I babysit, mind you she’s 7, asked a question.That question being ‘so, I wanted to ask. are you pregnant.’ Suddenly I felt like crying, because her question had triggered memories from my high school. All the comments and questions the bullies had directed at me. It’s obvious I’m not over that pain, even though this is something my counselor and I have gone over in EMDR sessions. I’m beginning to realize, even though this is something I’ve accepted, it doesn’t mean that it hurts any less. Honestly, I never realized a kid’s question would break me the it has. If this is a symptom to my PTSD, I really wish I never had it. 

Now, I have to learn to love myself all over again. It was hard as f***, the first time. How hard will it be this time?

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Read my story and find out what happens, I am in the beginning of it.. it’s going to go on a while and I want to see what happens just as much as you do. You can find my GOogle DOcment, haha.. IT’s got some funny stuff in it, and some sexy times full of weird stuff 😳 pleease?? You can suggest edits anon if you want. You just have to log out of GOogle and then edit it.. I’m writing 1 - 2 Chapters a week as a surprise. I’ll be posting links for those that follow along.. smile today, you are more beautiful than the stars and sun, the lit moon of sweet honey bee paradise.. you are the lovely sunshine of heavens galore, and if you smiled right NOW!! that would the lovliest things in the world. There on your lips, is the thing that puts heaven in the heart of those you love.. if you just smile a little more, your day would go a little bit better - eUe.. ❤ 💕

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About sacrifice
All I wanted was for you to be here. To just spend the day with me. I did not ask for presents, I did not ask for anything but for your presence.
All I wanted was for you to forgive me. To look into my eyes and see the beauty of me, not the monster. Or is that what I am? Just someone who bullies you? I need it, you know? Your forgiveness. I just need to hear it. It’s probably about your own insecurities, not about me. Which I understand.
All I wanted was to make you happy. And for you to be happy. Do I have to leave your life now to make you happy? All I seem to do is tear you apart without meaning to. Is that what love is? I’m hurting of hurting you all the time. And it’s frustrating me so much.
Just let me help you. Just let me show you that I love you more than I love myself. So. Don’t come to my birthday.
Even though I would love you to.
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This moment reminds me so much of home. The same air that makes it easy to breathe. The birds singing like they did every spring evening in my hometown. The sky is blue and gray with a piece of melancholy just like there. But it’s not home and that’s what breaks my heart. I’m in this peaceful moment, but not in the right place.

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Tw eventually…

So everything was fine, I was ok. I suppressed my depressive feelings which was good. I read a motivational book that boosted my confidence and kept me happy. But sometimes I drink to enjoy my time more. Today my head and my mind were overdramatic again. My feelings can’t be stopped. I drank because I was upset and I wanted to forget what happened and how I feel. But here I am thinking about my first suicide attempt… and thinking why not try again.

I stopped self harming but I have a real strong urge again. My mind keeps repeating how I self harmed and what I felt. My head was quiet,my blood was dripping and I was numb…. and it felt good.

So here I am overthinking everything again. I am not getting better at all, everything was an illusion that I wanted to be true.

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I’m super sentimental and love to give people little valentines and Christmas gifts and stuff. But no one else really seems into that anymore, at least in my friend groups. And it makes me really sad that people don’t take the time to make something small for each other. Like, don’t they realize that even a small piece of paper that says, “love you” means so much? It also makes it so that it’s not expected of you to give gifts, so that you feel weird or out of place when you do give someone a valentine or a birthday card or whatever it may be. It’s depressing really.

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