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#feelings

I use my television to help manage my anxiety. It helps to know there are certain sitcoms on at noon to 3 p.m., or after 6 p.m. The main problem is that TV stations will sometimes make big changes in their schedules. Something like “Big Bang Theory” will be changed to “Family Guy.”

My husband doesn’t understand why or how I can watch the same episode of a sitcom one thousand times. I can’t explain other than to say the repetition is comforting and I don’t like surprises.

I have started a medication for my anxiety, but I honestly don’t think it works. The doctor told me it takes several weeks but we are in the third month. Sigh. My antidepressant didn’t work either and it took over a year to find one.

I just want to feel better! Now!

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Don’t fuck with my feelings, just because your so unsure of your own.

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(LATE) Diary entry:
17/01/2021

For some reason I just had this completely strange realisation whilst having a conversation with a friend. I never really thought about it until it just hit me right now and now I am stopped in my tracks about how ironic and strange it is. 

I am currently editing a booktube video of a review of the book ‘The Librarian Of Auschwitz’ by Antoni Iturbe and in this particular part of the video I am on, I was speaking about how Dita (the person the book is based upon) is a teenager and how different her life is than what mine was at that age. And not just because of the time period, but because of the events she was living through. I was then joking with a friend that because of the current circumstances with the global pandemic, the next time I see them I’ll be 30. And then it hit me.

This year I turn 25. When I was younger, 25 felt like the time I would be bringing together all the elements of my life. I think that comes from my parents because they were both 25 when they had me. To me 25 felt like the year that I’d start considering settling down, potentially having children. And I don’t feel that way. I have so much more selfishness to enjoy and so much more me time that I want to have and 25 with a child won’t do that for me. But it also got me thinking that part of that comes from the circumstances that I am living through with the Coronavirus. I am living through a global pandemic that has halted all of us, young and old, in our paths. Its circumstances none of us could have predicted or could have ever seen happening. And all of us, afterwards, are going to be talking about how we were (number) age and we had to stop what we were doing and we couldn’t do this and we couldn’t do that and that will have individual impacts on each and every one of us.

For years of school we read in history books about events and how they effected people and now I am living my own version of it. 

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dessert


cause i know you want to be

so magnificently free

and i want for you

freedom and happiness too

so can we have a final dance?

so that i may give my thanks, perchance?

a few minutes won’t hurt

it’ll be like having some dessert

for old times sake

you can have your cake

and eat it too

i just want a few extra minutes with you

– Lamya Zikry

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“Old souls love differently”

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My life so boring right know that my only hobby is pretending to be asleep and make up romantic scenarios that do not include me

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I love this song so much.

I tried to leave it all behind me

But I woke up and there they were beside me

And I don’t believe it but I guess it’s true

Some feelings, they can travel too

Oh, there it is again, sitting on my chest

Makes it hard to catch my breath

I scramble for the light of change

You’re always on my mind

You’re always on my mind

And I never minded being on my own

Then something broke in me and I wanted to go home

To be where you are

But even closer to you, you seem so very far

And now I’m reaching out with every note I sing

And I hope it gets to you on some pacific wind

Wraps itself around you and whispers in your ear

Tells you that I miss you and I wish that you were here

And if I stay home, I don’t know

There’ll be so much that I’ll have to let go

You’re disappearing all the time

But I still see you in the light

For you, the shadows fight

And it’s beautiful but there’s that tug in the sight

I must stop time traveling

You’re always on my mind

You’re always on my mind

You’re always on my mind

And I never minded being on my own

Then something broke in me and I wanted to go home

To be where you are

But even closer to you, you seem so very far

And now I’m reaching out with every note I sing

And I hope it gets to you on some pacific wind

Wraps itself around you and whispers in your ear

Tells you that I miss you and I wish that you were here

We all need something watching over us

Be it the falcons, the clouds or the cross

And then the sea swept in and left us all speechless

Speechless

And I never minded being on my own

Then something broke in me and I wanted to go home

To be where you are

But even closer to you, you seem so very far

And now I’m reaching out with every note I sing

And I hope it gets to you on some pacific wind

Wraps itself around you and whispers in your ear

Tells you that I miss you and I wish that you were here

Wish that you were here

Wish that you were here

Wish that you were here

I wish that you

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Video
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“I run away when things are good and never really understood the way you laid your eyes in me”

Sorry - Halsey

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The Talkative God


In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. – Bible, John 1:1

Freedom is the freedom to say that two plus two make four. If that is granted, all else follows. – Winston Smith in 1984, Chapter VII, p. 103

If you’re going to tell people the truth, you better make them laugh; otherwise they’ll kill you. – George Bernard Shaw

The world is indeed full of peril…

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(Private) A word through time


Sun, December 20, 2020

12:23 – 1:00 Am

I can’t find the right words to describe this comprehension or perhaps this revelation, but I just figured out or rather came to the realization that no matter what there is always an end.

Be it life and growth…. Power and grace, it will all have an end. Perhaps today may become a legend, but trust me with time old things will pass away and new things…

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