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#borderline
motherissues · an hour ago
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what the fuck is going on
[CW: self harm]
i can never accept people's love. because i always feel like they don't love me, they love the specific version of me that i have tailored to fit them. but i don't know who else i would be. as soon as i'm alone i feel achingly empty. i feel like i'm playing a first person game but ultimately i'm not completely immersed. i feel like a fraud and an alien and an imposter. and i'm terrified of people finding out and leaving me.
i am dissociated 90% of the time. it gets better when i'm with other people. but as soon as i get a moment to myself it hits me again. it's so lonely.
my whole life revolves around other people. when we have conflicts i get so angry and hurt. but i'm always terrified of showing it or taking it out on them. i'm terrified of being manipulative and causing others harm, the way my parents harmed me. so i tend to internalize it.
i've only cut myself once. it was during a fight with my ex. i left our apartment in the middle of the night because i was so full of rage and hurt. everything felt unfair. i stormed off and circled back to our apartment building. sat on a bench. the pain and betrayal was unbearable. i had my keys with me so i rubbed the sharpest one against the muscle of my thumb until there was blood. i still have the scar. i hate it. i can't believe i let myself get a mark of how another person hurt me. i try my best to cope differently these days. like staying outside in the cold without a jacket.
everytime i feel something it feels like the Absolute Truth. i get these intense moments of clarity and everything else feels unimportant. like this is exactly what's going on and it hurts so much that nothing else matters. sometimes this causes my feelings for a person to abruptly change. they're either the best person on earth or satan incarnate. i'm so tired of feeling like this. it makes no sense and it's fucking stupid.
after an emotional episode i always feel eerily distant. even more dissociated than usual. and those feelings that felt So Incredibly Real suddenly don't seem to belong to me anymore. who was that person that felt those things? couldn't have been me.
shit.
i think i have borderline.
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doctorlovesick · an hour ago
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I try so hard to stay offline, to make you worry for at least a sign of love for me, but you never notice. Do you never even think about me?
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musingsofaninsomniac · an hour ago
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I wish people would remember that I have bpd and adjust how they speak to me. I instantly recognize their text/speaking tone or how they act when it's different.
Even when I've been open about my disorders and trauma, people still act surprised when I slowly pull away.
This is why I have trust issues, because I see old patterns resurfacing and it makes me shut down.
You can't treat me one way, fill me with promises and then leave me with this empty/hurt feeling.
I'm so tired of this shit.
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haroomata · an hour ago
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spoke like three hours to new person and i am already very much obsessed and being left on read today is making me want to start throwing fists
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musingsofaninsomniac · an hour ago
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Ah, so that's how today is going to go..
Why do I even bother?
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myanonymuniverse · 2 hours ago
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Warum liebe ich es, mich kaputt zu machen?
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borderlinebastard · 2 hours ago
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my therapist has been lengthening times between appointments and my BPD is screaming "she's trying to distance herself! she doesn't want to see me!"
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hypnolowcalorie · 2 hours ago
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have you ever had an episode during childhood where you cut all of your fucking hair off and your mum slapped you for doing so? because i did
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musingsofaninsomniac · 3 hours ago
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Since my life keeps going to shit, I'm going to be getting a few facial piercings - maybe my nipples done. Then do something wild af with my hair; because I need some control in my life.
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lizzie-olsen · 4 hours ago
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me 10 seconds ago: i feel like death i wanna die
me 10 seconds later: i’ve never felt better wooo
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I should be motherfucking crazy, nothing in this world could change me
Should i? I’m motherfucking crazy without anyone's permission, nothing in this world could change me
Okay tumblr support why i don’t see my post in tags? I wanted to be popular and famous!!! Please help meeeee
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Ich hab keine Träume mehr, ich habe keine Wünsche mehr, ich habe keine Hoffnung mehr, ich habe keine Kraft mehr, ich habe keine zukunft mehr, ich habe keine Perspektive mehr.
Ich habe nur noch den tot vor mir, das ist nur noch was ich sehe. Ich habe versagt, ich konnte einfach nichts richtig machen, ich habe mir wirklich Mühe gegeben nicht zu versagen. Es tut mir leid das ich nicht gut genug bin, es tut mir leid das ich so fehlerhaft bin, es tut mir leid das ich versagt habe, es tut mir leid das ich dir solche schmerzen zugefügt habe, es tut mir leid das ich so viel Kummer und Leid gebracht habe, es tut mir leid das ich in dein Leben gekommen bin, vielleicht mach ich so viele Fehler weil ich einfach ein Fehler bin und nichts hier zu suchen habe.
Ich seh mich selbst als wertlos, nutzlos, unbrauchbar, austauschbar, ungewollt, ungenügend, unattraktiv, unsympathisch, uvm...
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musingsofaninsomniac · 4 hours ago
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Going back to my house today..
...this is the world part for me; because due to my BPD and being used to spending so much time with my friend it's gonna hurt to go back.
This sucks so much. I hate feeling so attached and comfortable to someone, only for reality to sink in and return to somewhere I'd prefer not to be.
Back to barely sleeping, dealing with a mountain of daily chores, irritating people and frustration that doesn't ease.
This shit is tiring.
It doesn't feel like home to me, that place is a job I never leave.
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