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#bpd stuff

Funny how I have to take Lithium daily, but as soon as I try to swallow a lithium battery, it’s all “hospitalization with 24/7 1:1 supervision” this and “long-term, high-acuity residential” that…smh, double standards, am I right?

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I bought a book for school that i probably won’t really use just cuz it was on sale… but it will look awesome in my bookshelf 🙌

Also, started to take my ritalin again and I’m no longer a zombie~ I can stay awake and focus on studying again finally 🙌


Originally posted by butteryplanet

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I have often turned to music when I’m feeling overwhelmed or having a panic attack or even just a really bad BPD episode. When you’re feeling out of sorts, what song do you most often turn to? Do you listen to metal, rock, rap, classical, R&B, pop? What’s your go to song? Or, if you don’t listen to music, what is your way of calming yourself? Tell me in the comments!

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Most people think that the term “overcome” is the same thing as “beat, cured, recovered from”, and the truth is, I overcame BPD, yes. But I am not cured, not even remotely. But BPD no longer controls my everyday life. I have BPD but I am not BPD. 

So how did I do it? How did I go from the girl collapsed on the bottom of her shower, sobbing uncontrollably wishing I was dead? The girl who couldn’t get out of bed, refusing to eat, refusing to move, refusing to live.. How did I go from that girl, to a girl with dreams? A girl with a promising future. How is that possible?

For me, and I say for me with the utmost importance because this will not be the answer for everyone– for me it was all a matter of will power, mind over matter. What irony it is to say “mind over matter” when literally it is an illness of the mind.. But the reality of it is simply, you cannot help someone who does not wish to help themselves. So, the first step, is admitting to yourself that you have a sick brain, that in having a sick brain was no fault of your own. Whether it was a matter of genetics or a matter of environment, it was no fault of your own. You did not do this to yourself. Do not blame yourself for being the way you are. Now, taking that last statement into account.. Do not blame yourself for being the way you are, however, hold yourself accountable for the things you do as a result, what you put into the world. Do not use your illness as an excuse for:

  • The way you treat someone
  • The way you treat yourself
  • The choices you make
  • The actions you choose

You are not your illness, you have an illness. Therefore, your illness is not an excuse, for better lack of words, for doing shitty things.

The next step I took was the hardest step. By this point in my life I had been pumped so full of toxic information and standards that it was damn near impossible to sort through what was considered, “Harmful false information” and “Neutral factual information”. For example, I am a young woman, the standards set for me as a society are “Slender and toned, flawless skin, tall (but not too tall), perfect teeth, tan, and oozing sexual appeal.” And what did the world deal me out? “Chubby with average muscles, far from flawless skin, short, wonky teeth, pale, and and over jazzed sex drive.”

I struggled with anorexia, bulimia, dismorphia (BDD), on top of my undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). So, tell me, how the hell was I supposed to overcome THAT? Looking in the mirror led to panic attacks, fits of sobbing, you name it. I would refused to leave the house, I would bounce between wearing clothes that fit me just fine and looked nice on me, to ripping them off in a fit of disgust and shoving them into the back of my closet because they “made me look fat”, settling on an over sized hoodie instead. There would be days were I would change my clothes 5 or more times a day, just because everything I put on would send me into a full blown panic attack over my appearance. 

So, with something as sever as this.. Something that controlled my life so violently for so long.. How did I go about overcoming that? 

Quiet simply.. Well, simple to say, not so much in doing.. I changed the words I used, first for myself, then towards others. 

Fat/Chubby became Thicc (with two c’s) or curvy.
Pale skin became soft, gentle skin.
My plain brown hair became chocolate curls.
My boring brown eyes became pools of honey in light.
My “thicker” body parts became soft curves to rest cheeks against. 

The language we direct towards ourselves is the hardest thing to change. There were many times I would be looking in a mirror, feeling the disgust and creeping thoughts coming. Out of my mouth would come “Oh god, I look so gross today..” and quickly following this, out loud to myself I would snap, “Shut up. That’s not true and you know it.”

I would try on an outfit, feeling myself cringe away at how wide I looked, how uncomfortable it made me feel being so.. big. And then I would force myself to re-imagine what I just said, instead turning “I look so.. big” into “I look so thicc! Damn, girl, look at this voluptuous curves!” And then I would make a show of it, twist and turning in the mirror, getting all the angles. I started whispering the words to myself, reminding myself of the new vocabulary I was developing for myself. I then turned those words out into the world. Complimenting people on their appearance in any way I could think of. Their lipstick, their clothes, their hair, their choice of jewelry, their smile, their perfume. Anything. This also helped me a lot with my social anxiety (because lord knows that was also a huge problem for me). But in the end, the reward of seeing someone light up at the mention of a compliment made it all so worth it. Imagine when someone compliments you, how good you feel? The feeling is just like that when you pay a compliment. 

Following my new use of vocabulary to combat my own struggles with appearance and inner worth, I began to change the way I thought about my attitude. Whenever I would feel my mood shifting, or I would suddenly have a jump in emotion, I would think to myself, “Is this actually me, or is this my BPD acting up again?” And chances are, it was my BPD acting up again. The more honest with myself I was, the better I began to feel. The second I was able to identify what the root of my feeling was, I was able to take a step back and say, “This will pass. Just give it time.”

What are some other methods I used and still use? Here’s a simple list that maybe you can take into practice:

  • Meditation
  • Journaling
  • Dream journal
  • Therapy
  • Calling errands “adventures” (Going grocery shopping? Adventure. Getting coffee? Adventure. Running to the mall? Going on an adventure.)
  • Organizing and removing clutter (A cluttered life equals a cluttered mind– Check out Marie Kondo for inspiration)
  • Art of any kind (Clay, paint, photography, writing, drawing)
  • Yoga
  • Exercise! (It’s been proven that working out actually releases endorphins in the brain, so getting sweaty can actually make you happier!)
  • Good sex 
  • Doing one thing a week (eventually try one small thing a day!) that you never would have done before (Example: hike a mountain, lay in the grass and read a book, watch the clouds, check out a new coffee shop, go into a store you’ve passed by a million times but never went into, compliments a stranger).
  • Make plans (and keep them even if when the time comes you feel awful mentally, you never know what a night out can do for you).
  • Start a blog to bring awareness to your mental illness. 

I struggle with BPD daily, and yes I do still have episodes from time to time, but I can say with the utmost confidence that I finally have control of my illness. 

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Please make an effort to reach out to your friend(s) struggling with BPD, depression, anxiety, or any other mental illness. This is an extremely difficult time for many of us, mainly because we are forced to stay home and many of the outlets we once had have been taken away until further notice. 

During this time we are feeling more alone than ever and we’re left with nothing but the four walls around us and our thoughts. So please, make an effort to FaceTime, give a phone call, text, play an online game, or write them an encouraging message of hope. 

Let them all know that they are not alone and that they have a loving community surrounding them, and that they are loved and supported. 

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Nobody has ever looked at me the way you looked at me. And when you used to look at me, for a moment I had hope that I was love able. That somebody could actually love me. Because if somebody could look at me the way you did, then maybe you saw something great. Because you, yourself were incredible and so rare. But now you don’t look at me like that anymore. In fact you don’t look at me at all. You are gone and I’m alone. Now I question will anybody ever love me? Did you actually see anything when you looked at me? If I disappointed somebody like you, somebody so diffrent who used words I could never understand, so intelligent, yet looked at someone like me like I was the intelligent one, if I disappointed you, will I ever be able to have someone look at me like that again? Or will I remain alone looking at myself in the mirror knowing I let you down and wondering if all the things you said to me were true?

-Annie Celentano

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Anyone with a real severe and genuine BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) that never had any trauma/invalidation growing up with family or strangers or classmates?

I’m trying to prove a point.

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I’m writing this to remind myself and anyone else who understands,

I personally know that I often go for (toxic) people because they seem hot and wild and whatever else I (or you) are into, and it has led to heartbreak, horrifying abuse and emotional trauma that will probably never leave me.

Right now I’m with the sweetest person, they’re so lovely and kind and I never thought we’d work because of how wholesome they are. But let me tell you now I’ve never been happier, I thought our sex would be dull, it’s not. I thought our life would generally be dull be we have the best time. We’ve just moved in together and it’s been absolutely perfect.

They are the opposite of abusive and as a result I’m feeling less insecure, generally happier and am not exhibiting most of my toxic BPD symptoms. Even when I do exhibit them, as soon as I realise and apologise there’s no physical or emotional abuse that comes along. They acknowledge my illness, that my feelings are valid and accept my apology with love and kindness, which continually helps me grow and learn that these reactions are not necessary. But also that they are my current reactions but my ability to recognise them (even after the fact) is still good and not a total failure.

Not everyone is the same but my personal experience with borderline has been finding people I think will be kinky in bed, or going into dangerous sexual encounters to hurt myself, or seeing red flags in a person and chasing them as a self destruction, among other bad things. But I just want to say, you don’t need that, you don’t need someone who may be great in bed but exhibit bad traits. You don’t need someone who is adventurous or curious to a dangerous/unsafe level.

There’s a huge amount of people in the world, I so many to meet and love and befriend, if you’re with someone you know is treating you badly now but are scared to leave, it’ll be okay and you can always message me about it. I was friends with my partner for years before we fell in love. Sometimes taking a step back and looking at the people you’re closest to with a new perspective can change things exponentially.

Lots of love, stay safe everyone.

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