#ugh. tomorrow ill read all her papers and then email her. and i wont jinx it. dont jinx it.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#oh god. i found a lab i want desperately to join #i mean. it prob wont happen bc it feels like she must have some clout. or maybe im just extremely dazzled by her work lol. but like #hhhhhh i wanna join so bad. it looks so perfect. except its in the uk. and i kinda want to get my phd in the us #bc ive experienced the uk uni system and they do not do it like the americans lmao #American colleges try to absolutely crush the life out of u and thats the kinda pressure i crave... bc i have issues #but oh god i would love to go back to England and be in the lab. and be in the lab. and be in the lab!!!! #im gonna have to read all her papers and send her an unhinged email. oh god. please please please make it a perfect fit! #but if i go back to the uk id be even further from home than i already am. like im 10hrs travel away now and its abt 24hrs travel to get #back and forth to English. but whatever its prob not gonna happens so why think abt it now #hhhh but i really wanna go back to England. i could use the trains and actually visit places. not like last time. im a little better now #at least compared to then. for what thats worth #ugh. tomorrow ill read all her papers and then email her. and i wont jinx it. dont jinx it. #logically u know u can't actually jinx things but like my brain doesn't quite believe that. so ill pretend to be casual abt it while trying #to will the univse to let me have this. pls #ugh i need to sleep #unrelated