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#until i showed i was disabled. until i was visibly autistic / went nonverbal / couldn't function from pain or some other disabling thing
alastors-wife
ยท
4 years
Text
i c.
#its almost 2am n i feel like im abt to have a panky attack LOL
#****** rly fucked me up. like more so than i was in the first place
#and it really makes me wonder... just how conditional are my relationships with the people around me?
#will i be abandoned again? if i were to disagree? if i were to speak up? if i were to be honest and not hide my emotions?
#i don't want to have to be afraid of myself and everything i do out of fear that if I'm not perfect I'll lose everything
#it isn't fair. this isn't fair. why don't i get to be a person too?
#and there's been soooo many times I've been around people who supposedly ''loved'' me
#until i showed i was disabled. until i was visibly autistic / went nonverbal / couldn't function from pain or some other disabling thing
#yknow...things entirely out of my control & that aren't my fault
#or until something harmed me or the people in my community
#i always doubt it when ppl say they love me. i never fully believe it. because i know it's temporary
#it makes me wonder if they love ME or if they love the part of me that's too afraid to speak up
#and too afraid to show when I'm hurt or afraid and too afraid to really be my whole authentic self
#this isn't.. about anyone. im just triggered and deeply upset lol
#and esp the ppl who I've been previously close to who lashed out in anger-
#-or reacted in a defensive or manipulative way when confronted on something shitty they did
#or the ppl who refused to talk to me like a normal person. don't...fucking pretend everything is just find and then snap lmao
#and then thats what especially scares me
#I've made progress. I've started slowly getting better. but i know for a FACT if someone hurt me again i wouldn't do anything
#I'd just panic and cry and try to fix a problem that i never even created
#i don't know what to do and i just wish someone actually did love me without it being fake and super conditional
#abuse tw
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