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bitt3rsw33tsymph0ny · 6 years

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What’s your deepest fear? Recently I have had a lot of anxiety about my dissertation and the possibility that I will end up graduating with low grades. That turns into the fear that I’m going to end up sitting around doing nothing meaningful with my life. Or sometimes I fear I am not changing or growing fast enough, that I should be learning from my mistakes more quickly. I often get these huge feelings of doubt and insecurity when I think about my university career, and my ability to succeed. I think it’s rooted in a fear that I will disappoint myself but mainly my parents…

Share a memory that makes you smile every time you remember it. So many. But I’m going to a share a fight memory. My coach Jock was wrapping my hands and giving me a pep talk right before my fight in Nov. He was being very sweet, he really helped me up my game in the run up to my fight, working on my technique and fitness and I’d grown to really like and respect him as a trainer and as my coach. And as he was wrapping my hands he told me that I was to be the first woman to fight for the MXP gym, and that now I was going from being a ‘muay thai practitioner’ to an actual ‘muay thai fighter’, I dunno I guess it meant a lot. He was also the one that gave me my fight name ‘the lioness’, which as a name I really loved.. I’m pretty flattered I was the first woman to fight for both MXP and the Stirling University Muay Thai club What was the last thing you google searched? I was researching the documents you need to teach English in South Korea and Japan, and popular teaching programs. Are you a dreamer or a do-er? I think I’m quite a dreamer. And I am constantly in an internal battle against this side of myself. But 2018 is the year I become more of a do-er! Share one of these dreams of yours. I have lots of dreams! Most of them involve travelling and experiencing as many exciting, new and positive things as I can. When I come back from teaching in Asia I plan to stay in Greece for while, get my boat and sailing certificates. Then I’d like to work on a yacht as part of the crew, sail around the world. Has anyone told you they wanted to fuck you recently? not in such explicit terms, no. But something along those lines was suggested. What are your views on gay people? views? what views? I will literally fight you if you say anything derogatory towards gay people. LOVE IS LOVE. Would you ever have sex with a member of the same sex? I find women really attractive and get crushes sometimes, and yes, as I have had sex with a woman before.

Have you ever just felt like giving up? Yeah. I was feeling like that a bit before Christmas, very dejected and demotivated. Thankfully I feel better now. Slowly coming out of the slump. Is there anything you are holding back from telling somebody? no, no secrets. Do you think the last person you kissed has feelings for you? It’s early days yet. But we definitely had a connection. Do you wish someone would show up at your front door right now? yes but woe is me, I need to stay inside. Do you get high a lot? It goes up and down. For the past couple months before I visited Greece, I was smoking quite a bit yes. to the point where it was just hindering my life and depressing me. Since I’ve been here I haven’t smoked at all. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night? J. Is there anything you are hiding from yourself? yeh the pot issue I often just ignore and pretend like its not a problem. BUT NO MORE. I have decided to start being real with myself. Are you an emotional person? not excessively, i’m pretty neutral a lot of the time. But my emotions are pretty intense when they do come about. often I let them dictate my actions. How do you feel right now? groggy af. Would you ever get a tattoo? I have one and I am planning on getting at least a couple more. Next time I have the money I’m going to book an appointment. Are you satisfied with what you currently have in life? yes, I have no reason not to be. Are you one of those people who can’t go without their morning coffee? yes. What was the last photograph you took? I believe it was a selfie.

What was the last hot food you ate? a traditional Greek dish I made with leeks, carrots, rice and fresh herbs Have you ever seen a meteor shower? I have been fortunate enough to see a couple. I haven’t seen any for years though, I must remember to keep an eye out next summer and make sure I’m somewhere the stars are visible when they happen again in august. How often are you optimistic? depends. lately, not at all. But it is definitely part of my new years resolutions. That, along with being more mindful and doing more meditation. Would you say your thoughts are generally rational and logical or irrational and illogical? I do tend to think a bit irrationally at times, mostly because I like to opt for short term gratification over long term benefits. And I do careless things, speak without thinking, or just don’t think things through properly. But I’m working on it. I really hate being like this…I think the first step to stopping this is to stop defining myself by these traits. Are you wearing anything of any sentimental value? Describe? I’m wearing one of Jiggles oversized shirts which has a picture of a rainbow unicorn and the words ‘Totally straight’ written above it. I always used to wear it as pyjamas when I slept at his and one day he told me to keep it. It’s not particularly sentimental other than the fact my ex gave it to me. Are you the type to pay attention to detail? I like noticing details but I’m always searching for the bigger picture, how it all fits together, assessing something as a whole. Sometimes I miss the details because I don’t pay close attention. To you, what is especially distracting? Stress, stressing and pressure of any kind I find distracting. Or social media, social media is fucking distracting and poison for the mind. Actually distraction is an effect of stressing, and social media is the means by which I distract myself, but what I find especially distracting is the fact there is constantly so much activity and so much choice in this world. Often I think if I had fewer choices and opportunities available to me I would be able to commit to one fully and focus much easier. What are some things that are important in your life right now? My degree. It’s the final push cmon Nat. My martial arts training. The benefits I have felt from Muay Thai doesn’t compare to pretty much anything else. And maintaining good relationships with my family and friends. Taking care of my own mental well-being. Making positive personal changes and all those other cliches. When was the last time you did some major cleaning? Before I left for Greece I did a big clean up of the house because it was getting disgusting. Have you ever thrown anything away, and regretted it later? Nothing that I can remember clearly. I mean I’ve certainly done it before but I think that’s just me, I often get paranoid about throwing things away and used to be really bad for hoarding things. Thankfully I have decluttered my life a bit more now so I’m better. Are you the type to regret things, or live and learn? I don’t feel much regret for my past mistakes so I like to think I have lived and learned. Obviously there are some areas where I still make the same mistakes…but it’s a process. How often do you feel like you need time to yourself? I am by myself in Scotland quite a bit, so no I don’t feel like that. Though if I’ve been with people for too long (especially a few days in a row) I definitely require some space after it Do you like being around other people? Why is this? I do get a lot of pleasure from being around other people, i’m an extrovert so I will often seek out other peoples company. In fact sometimes I rely on it as a distraction and use it as a means not to think and deal with internal issues. I need it, almost like a drug. But I recognise that constantly being with others is really not that beneficial for me. it should be quality over quantity. Problem is I believe I work best when I’m in an environment with other people. Do you feel like anyone “gets” you? Who? I feel like a lot of people ‘get’ me. My best friends. Some random people I have met and clicked with instantaneously. And a lot of my old friends from St Lawrence, because we grew up together, understand me more than my friends in Scotland. But it’s like they only get that side of me…they don’t understand the ‘me’ I have become in Scotland. Just like my Scottish friends don’t really get the ‘me’ I was in Greece. Jiggles I used to feel like he understood me so wholly. Obviously not anymore.. there is a part of me that now feels no one will ever know every single part of me, because they’d have to understand the perspective I am coming from and the one I currently experience. Which is impossible because all our experiences are unique to ourselves. What would you be most likely to do with a friend, today? going for a coffee and a swim. it was a beautiful sunny day. When are you most likely to be crabby? I don’t do early mornings very well. Also if I’m stressed or really under pressure I become an asshole. How about upbeat and cheerful? mornings, but after I’ve had my coffee. After I’ve exercised. When I’m out drinking. Who challenges you the most? In what way? Battling with control and self-discipline. STICKING TO SOMETHING. Who seems to hold you back? In what way? I think the only person holding me back is myself. And my inability to stick to plans. Sometimes I’ll allow the influence of other people to hold me back as well. When I need to trust myself more. According to the Myer-Briggs test, what personality type are you? I love that shit. taking personality quizzes. even though they are inaccurate as fuck and really only serve to confirm what people like to think about themselves. I got ENFP-t, the campaigner personality What has been preoccupying your mind today? This guy I was hanging with last night. We had a really good time. We were just talking and talking and talking for ages. He took me to this indoor skate park he’d built himself. Then we went back to his house…I assumed he’d invited me round so we could smoke weed together, then he pulls out this bag of coke …well I guess it escalated. But I had a great time. kind of wish I’d bitten the bullet and slept with him, but we’ve only just met so I wasn’t really comfortable enough.

What was the last opportunity that you passed up, and why? decided against fighting in february even though I’d already said yes and had even been matched so I don’t have a breakdown. my diss is due a month after that and I just know myself, I wouldn’t be able to fully concentrate on winning the fight or completing my work, I sensed disaster. see, I am trying to make sensible decisions even though they pain me greatly Would you rather have a quiet day at home, or be on the go? It’s all about having a balance, right? Sometimes I need my days inside. But I feel like I enjoy my days out a lot more because I’m quite an active person. Do you think you made a good impression on the last person you met? yes i reckon so. How do you feel about people who neglect their pets? fuck those people. If you can’t take good care of them don’t have them! Should there be an application process for having children? I feel like that would be a sure way of making it an elitist thing, or to stop those without power and money from having kids…I also just don’t think the government should have that right of control over its citizens…regardless of the fact so many babies are being brought into this world and are suffering at the the hands of neglectful families. It should still be our right to choose. I think there should be better sex education and free contraceptives for all who need them.

Are you able to ask for help when you need it? yes, I’m not one of those people who find it hard to ask for help. In fact I would say I am someone that has a tendency to depend too much on others for help, when I run into any difficulties. How intense is your anger? Have you ever hurt anyone/yourself? pretty fucking intense sometimes, but I also get feelings of general annoyance. I have bashed my head against a wall but nothing extreme like cutting. I regretfully have hurt people physically in anger before…I know it’s shameful but I have a bit of a violent streak (I blame the sport and my father.) It’s never anything that leaves a lasting mark but when I lose my temper I snap and can act without thinking. What is something red that you like to eat? tomatoes!! fucking love tomatoes. Do you ever have trouble getting lighters to work? sometimes. If someone drinks, would that lower your opinion of that person? No I would be a hypocrite if I did. Not that I drink much usually but I don’t like to hold peoples vices against them. Unless they have responsibilities to family or are continuously hurting others with their actions. What if they did drugs? This is sad to admit but it would probably do the opposite. I enjoy drugs myself and yeah, sometimes have a tendency to glorify them. Do you know anyone who is abusive? Are you abusive? I do, yes. not physically but emotionally. I know several people. I would like to think that I myself am not abusive, but we all have tendencies to do abusive things without realising it. Actually one of the things that lead to my last break up was my ex bf insisted I had been acting abusive towards him when we went on this trip together to Vietnam. It quite shocked me…made me reassess some things. Mostly that if he felt I was being abusive I probably was crossing the line…and because I couldn’t bring myself to treat him any better, the break up felt like the right thing to do. I think. Have you ever contemplated cheating on anyone? yes, there have been temptations. And I would be lying if I said I have not cheated… If your best friend wanted to cheat on his/her partner, you would say? I mean it’s up to them. Assuming they really loved their partner and was generally happy in the relationship, or if they were drunk and about to make a stupid decision, I would try to stop it. But since neither of my bffs are like that I would probably trust them to make their own decisions. I am not here to judge them although I would probably gently try to warn them about the consequences. Who do you know that gives very sound advice? Isabella gives me pretty sound advice. She’s honestly my rock. And my mum, who has been there for me with all her years of wisdom throughout all my troubles, break ups and other things besides. Between them I can keep myself in check. What do you think makes a person weak? someone who never confronts their fears…is a coward…someone who preys on the weak, whose egos is fragile, who can’t deal with any criticism. Someone who doesn’t have morals, who doesn’t care about anything, and revels in their indifference. What makes a person strong? I guess it’s the quality of being able to pick yourself up, again and again, despite life’s knocks. It’s about tenacity. It’s about standing strong to your principles and being true to yourself and to others. It’s about honesty…and having the courage to do the right thing even though it’s the hard thing. Name one thing that you think defines you as a person? I would like to think it’s the fact that I’m soft but also pretty tough. The reality is probably different …I don’t know..I think that I stand out from the crowd a bit…because I’m not scared of being unique and acting like myself. And i’m willful as all hell. Okay that was three things but I really can’t say! Who do you go to when you need comfort? Tamsin. I find that she will always empathise and knows what to say when I’m feeling shitty. We’ve known each other for so long and our friendship means so much to me. I also like to go to my sister, who always helps me see the humour in things and usually gives me a fresh perspective on the situation. But I might go to different people for different things, depending on why I needed comforting.

Is there anyone/thing with whom/which you like to cuddle? I used to love cuddling Jiggles, that guy was the most cuddly guy I knew. He was always so enthusiastic about hugs. And he liked to ruffle me and pick me up and shake me in a big hug like a rag doll. Now all the cuddling action I get is from my stuffed animal, Kitty. Do nightmares still bother you? I have never really been troubled by nightmares. Apart from the one off or in a period of high anxiety, but usually I sleep soundly. At what age did you start to feel like a teen, and not a kid anymore? I think 15 was the threshold for me.

Are you or were you in a hurry to grow up? I wasn’t in a hurry before, and I am certainly in no hurry now. If anything it’s even worse now because I am supposed to be a fully fledged adult, and I look like one, but am certainly, 100%, not one. What is a fear you have about living on your own? I get lonely. I don’t know if I’d be able to handle living completely by myself. I waste a lot of time when I think no one is watching. Who was the last person to completely fascinate you? Thomas Shelby from the peaky blinders. I know he is a fictional character but I am full on obsessed.

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