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dearserenesoul · 19 days

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The night of 1st Syawal

I've already anticipated this feeling towards the end of Ramadan. I'm not ready for Ramadan to end. I need longer Ramadan. During the 28th or the 29th night, i got worried. What if this serenity i felt in Ramadan doesn't last?

And yes, i hated listening to lagu raya, reminding me that it's no longer Ramadan. I never feel this sad over the end of Ramadan. But i feel guilty too for feeling sad, bcs i know i'm supposed to celebrate the victory of returning to fitrah. Maybe i did return, but the real journey feels like it just began; the true mujahadah an-nafs as well as mujahadah the evil whisper of the shaytan.

Got a bit emotional last night, that when everyone was throwing raya wishes & du'a, i posted gentle warning to not wish me raya lol. Cuz i'm so overwhelmed with the sadness over its departure.

Taking the benefit of the night of eid, that is said to be the night where du'a is not rejected, i woke up. But i took my time to plan my du'a, while staring at the ceiling.

Apparently my sadness was not just for the departure of Ramadan. And that awareness made me feel even worse. I was reminded of last year's eid. I was battling my emotions again.

“Don't wish me raya. Make du'a for me semoga i'm happy again, semoga tahun ni last raya single, so that i can get my old self back yang happy, focused, unbothered, in my lane, moisturized,”

i wrote to my close friends, especially my girls; letting them know the state i'm currently in since we haven't talk sepanjang Ramadan. Kinda letak limit awal-awal kejap kot; that i'm not ready to rekindle.

Then there i was; on sejadah. Tears dropped on my cupped hands.

“Ya Allah, sepanjang Ramadan i kept silent except once. But all my nights belong to You. I chose You over my own self, my own feelings, my own emotions. I surrendered to You everything. But here i am again. It's me again, after all those nights, with these feelings & emotions burdening me. Please, look at me ya Allah. Please, listen to me.”

Yet it still felt wrong to say anything of my own choice.

“If it's good for me, please bring it close to me. If not, please erase my shaqawah. Make me among the people of sa'adah.”

It's the same du'a i recited once during one of the days in Ramadan. And I asked Allah, that i really want to meet my love. I really want to.

Last night Abang Im got a bit tempered just bcs i asked to pass pinggan lauk yang jauh from me (?). He raised his voice to me. I cannot. I'm never okay with people raising their voices to me, what more males, what more for unjustified reason. So it stirred my emotions a bit even more too. That i want to stop being taken as a child that people can raise their voice at. I'm an adult and talk to me like an adult.

At that time, i naively thought, if I had my man next to me by now, people may take me more seriously. That my protector is here—while knowing well that fighting with a spouse is even more common. But if he can raise his voice during our fight, is he even the man with the traits i've been asking from Allah? Only the traits i beg for, or not; “ya Allah, make him so gentle & soft with me, even in his anger.”

So again & again, I make du'a for the righteous spouse i've been waiting for all my life.

But then the morning of 1st Syawal went well. I was in a good mood, no inconvenience happened. Tudung on point, makeup jadi, abah tak being his usual hasty & pushy self yang pressure orang suruh siap cepat lol. So yeah, pagi raya went well <3

Hikss ootd 🙆🏻‍♀️ We're in navy blue this year 💙 Tapi kak hus abang mat fahri mufaraqah 💆🏻‍♀️ cuz katanya tahun lepas dah navy blue for their small family. So they're in black. Okay lah, sipi-sipi.

Us with Mok, seb baik coordinate jugak with us hee. Tahun depan inshaAllah tambah lagi 2 (babies), or 3 termasuk menantu mama abah. Allahumma aminnnn. AMIN PALING SERIOUSSSSS!!

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