#what was supposed to be an achievement to be proud of (Vorarbeiter at 28) turned into absolute fucking hell

[loumauve]

me.. simply taking out the trash when it is full. simply washing clothes when they need to be washed. simply taking a shower like a normal person.. it's more likely than you (I) think

#I mean I still struggled making it happen but I did it. only dishes and snail care left which I'll tackle in the morning #why is this still such a pain. why did I have to spend the entire day feeling slightly off kilter and hella sick - who knows #I just want to go back to being a responsible capable being but it's such a struggle to make even the smallest things happen #all I ate today was two kohlrabi and I didn't even think to make food it just didn't come to mind which is still pretty bad #I know I told the lady during the interview that I believe I can handle the six weeks with them but tbh I'm not so sure #could be I go there and fail on every level and they tell me to go back to more sick leave and recovery #it just feels like I haven't made a single bit of progress in the past year and a half and it fucking sucks #I don't want to be this person who can't even cope with life anymore. this isn't me #and writing on here seems more like screaming to an empty void than ever. hard to think sb actually cares and why should they #that's not their purpose in life. I need to just do this on my own somehow #like I used to for all these years before I pretty much just fell apart #sometimes therapy teaching you to feel things again just fucks you up beyond recognition #sometimes introspection and hope and wishing for connection just set you up for disappointment and failure #idk #I'm so tired. somehow this kind of depressed is worse than the one I dealt with for the previous decade and a half #somehow not dissociating actually did make it a lot worse to deal with. I mean I was advised this might happen #I guess I just didn't think this much bad shit would happen right after we made some progress with that #who could have known there would be three deaths in one year and mobbing at work and more stress than I thought possible at once #I thought getting through my exams was the hard part but nah it was everything that came after #what was supposed to be an achievement to be proud of (Vorarbeiter at 28) turned into absolute fucking hell #I just wanted an average normal fucking settled life working as a gardener for the city but this has been a fucking nightmare and a half #I miss being happy. it was only there for a few months but it was amazing. and those two weeks of absolute bliss.. would give anything #would give anything to feel that again #anyway. I know only like two people will read this and to them: thank you. I appreciate you #I guess I'd just rather not exist right now at least until things get better again #everything I had looked forward to. all the plans I'd make have kind of just burned away into ash and smoke and it makes me sad #but I don't blame anyone or the circumstances either. I just wish I could be more hopeful that things will happen again someday #but right now there isn't any hope left in this box of mine #I should go to bed. this is pointless ruminating and it's not helping me