#which basically hit a reset button on how well i could manage my pre-existing schizophrenic symptoms and damaged my cognition

[blinkpen]

having long ago made the executive decision to sublimate MUCH more of my rage over all the ways my body identity and personhood have been violated over the course of my life on levels both mental physical domestic and systemic into my writing by the way

#this does not mean we will be Seeing things on screen we don't need to #just that i am going to crank the dial and how much harrowingly visceral information can be conveyed -without- actually doing that #good horror will make a frame with seemingly nothing going on the scariest shit ever bc you Know. you cant see. but you Know. #the tragedy of 'my schizophrenia did not disable me but the PTSD from how i've been treated and taken advantage of bc of it DID' #'and SO MUCH of the WORST trauma was inflicted in the name of Fixing me (be it the mental illness or my gayness or my being a girl wrong) #and a lot of other things really but this is at the forfront of my mind as i finally finish recovering from a lot of repressed shit finally #boiling over to dangerously lethal levels last year and my entire brain just Imploded lmao #i dont know when i'll be able to really forgive my family for refusing to vaccinate or distance and transmitting covid to me twice #resulting in seizures and brain damage the second time #which basically hit a reset button on how well i could manage my pre-existing schizophrenic symptoms and damaged my cognition #i've had to mourn losing a big chunk of my own mind's ability to function focus or even remain anchored in reality because of that #oh yeah the transphobia my family still refuses to work on that and it also contributed heavily to the system shattering so bad #i finally realized that it even existed #some of the alters now have mutually exclusive genders and orientations presumably as weird coping mechanism