#why are the closes spots for the psychiatrist in fucking October

[rainbow-demon503]

talking about polyamory with my boyfriend is hard. Probably not because of any obvious reasons.

No, it's hard because my entire life I had to fight for relationships. I had to fight against people ticking me off as weird due to my autism. I had to fight against my anxiety making paralyzing me in new situations and missing the first few times my new classmates would socialize during breaks. I had to fight my disphoria, making me acutely aware that other people's perception of me is very different from how I see myself. I had to fighty depression, because my day has less hours, and everything takes more hours and I've stopped being a high energy kid at age 3, knowing nothing but lagging behind my whole life.

And these issues all compound! My Autism makes it hard for me to figure out when it's appropriate to ask other people to meet them! My Anxiety makes me a lot less likely to risk embarrassment, so I wait until first contacted or seeing clear signs! My depression makes it even less likely for me to meet people, since I can't manage having to fold the clothes or shop groceries if I'm meeting someone later that afternoon!

And my entire life, this has isolated me. People aren't best friends with someone that needs half an hour just to send a message. people aren't best friends with someone that needs a whole day or two as a break between days where only one activity is happening. they are less likely to invite you if they forget you're there and they're more likely to forget you're there if you have trouble speaking in group settings. The only reason me and my boyfriend could date so much was because I literally just went to his place. Even once I left home and lived on my own, we could see eachother only on the weekends, and that's because I basically just came over to have dinner, sleepover, and watch stuff most of the time.

The everyday tasks of life wear me thin. And even now that we life together, it certainly doesn't help that he just doesn't do some everyday tasks. He isn't used to a tidy living space, he has ADHD and all the executive dysfunction problems himself. But then when he still wants to do something exciting in the afternoon, but I'm still recharging from task 1, so that I can go to task 2, all while trying to figure out if task 3 can be done today.

And you know? I do think I could polyamory and have a great time. but I'm also so aware of all the hurdles I face in every relationship. People want to do stuff. And the more time you have for stuff, the more you become a part of their life. And my boyfriend and I are already nesting partners, but just living doesn't build the relationship. But I just don't want him to spend less quality time with me just because I can't do as much. I don't want to become the boring partner, the one he just lives with, the partner that he has to babysit when doing something new, the partner doesn't associate with fun

It's just, I can't even fall back on my family, the person closest to a best friend is too busy and social and anxious herself to have much time leftover for me. He is literally the only person in my corner, but if I can't keep up with his other people that's it. Even if I get other partners myself, unless I have incredible luck, I won't find a deep connection like this one so soon again. I have spent the first 20 years of my life living alone in a house full people, I don't think I could go through that again and come out alive

Because then the thing to look forward to was what comes after. Making my own life with someone I love. But now? there's a working Life in a bunch of months. but other than that? this is as far up as it'll go for whoever knows long

#don't worry. there are people for you #the thing is I love him and living with him #but when talking about some of this stuff it's just #Like I'll voice my concerns about finding people and he's just #and it's sweet but like... the odds are not in my favour #And so when we discuss that he would like me to innitate more dates #and we talk about the difficulties that face us because If I go out with someone new a lot I'll automatically have less time for him #which is huge bc of how little time I have #but then If I want the same thing on his side it's unfair to him #this is so frustrating #once again the problem #his social safety net so to speak is bigger than mine #so he doesn't really understand my anxieties #god I need some fucking antidepressants #why are the closes spots for the psychiatrist in fucking October #Sometimes it just really keeps getting worse huh

[i-heart-danchou]

Deserving

Okay!  This is for @bottomerwinweek​, prompt 1, Reunion/Reincarnation AU This ended up being a million words long (well, 6k), so I’m sorry about that.  I also switch between Levi and Erwin’s POV which will be differentiated using different fonts.  I hope you enjoy it! ------------------------- For as long as Erwin could remember, he had been harboring a secret.  It had started when he was a small child; he would wake up in the night screaming about titans and monsters and dangerous governments, and his father would cradle him to his chest and promise him, promise him, that he was safe in his bed.  It got worse over time- he had memories which weren’t his, visions of a world and a life that had never and could never have happened.  His parents had sent him to a school psychiatrist a number of times and the diagnosis often wavered between ‘wanting more attention’ and ‘severely mentally ill.’ He learned rapidly to hide his dreams, his memories, the pain of loss which he felt every day.  It was easier to make friends that way, to do well in school, to be bright and successful like everyone seemed to envision for him.  His parents were glad; it was just a phase, then.  Imaginary friends, he’d grown out of it. Over time he learned that virtually no one else in the world experienced life as he did.  His friends at school weren’t born yearning for a face in their dreams, and certainly none of them had lived through the downfall of civilization, a military coup, nor been sentenced to death by hanging.  He assumed he was unwell, and after trying a number of different mood altering medications had determined that he wasn’t going to get any better. It would have been fine if it weren’t for Levi.  Dreams and delusions were easy enough to get past, but for as long as he could remember, Erwin Smith had been in love with another human being, one which (in this lifetime, at least) he had never even laid eyes on.  It was more challenging as he went through puberty, as his friends were discovering porn on the internet and their love for large breasts, Erwin found himself unable to get past this surly man in his mind. 

He was teased for being a prude, but it didn’t bother him.  The Levi in his heart was worth waiting for, and he couldn’t really imagine finding happiness with anyone else.  He had a few flings of course, short people with sharp eyes but… There was no one in this world who could hold a candle to what he’d shared with Levi— an odd mix of passion, trust, respect, and absolute devotion to one another.  Even the memories with Levi where things had been grim, dangerous or terse were precious to him.  

He smiled even now when he recalled Levi threatening to break his legs, how they’d fought hand to hand in those difficult beginnings… how Levi had swallowed his feelings and put Erwin first, telling him to give up on his dream in those last crucial moments.  

**

Erwin tried to find Levi in any way he could— searching for his name on social media, using the internet to see if there was anyone, anyone else in this world who had lived a past life like Erwin had.  That was how he connected with Mike, and the relief at knowing that he wasn’t crazy was almost impossible to describe.

They agreed to meet at a nice gastro-pub near Erwin’s work, and idly Erwin wondered if this was too good to be true.  He and Mike had been so close… and yet, he held himself responsible for Mike’s death.  It was likely that Mike resented him, blamed him, hated him now.  It might also just be a scam; a con artist online taking advantage of desperate people like Erwin.

He needn’t have worried though.  From under his umbrella Mike spotted him across the street and knew him immediately.  It wasn’t often Erwin was swept off his feet in an embrace, but he found himself actively reciprocating and burying his face into the warm crook of Mike’s neck.  “Erwin.”  He whispered, taking deep, long breaths in through his nose.  “It’s you.  It’s you.  I thought I was mad.”

Erwin squeezed tight, his heart racing in his chest.  He looked the same, he sounded the same, he smelled the same.   Fuck, it was real.  Levi was probably real.  He pulled away and looked into Mike’s eyes, his eyes crinkled with joy and relief.  He was almost too happy to speak.  

“You ah… you wanna grab an overpriced cocktail and some avocado based appetizer that probably won’t be served on plates?”  Mike managed eventually, his hands perched on Erwin’s shoulders.  

“I’d like that.”  Erwin nudged Mike’s body with his elbow and they walked in together.  

Erwin was all questions— have you always felt like this?  Have you found anyone else?  Nanaba?  Do you hide it?  Do you remember how you died?  Why is this happening?  Who are we?  Who were we?

Mike smirked, apparently glad that some things never changed.  Erwin’s inquisitive and brilliant mind was as sharp as it ever was.  “Yes, no, no, yes, no, I don’t know, I don’t know, and I don’t know.”  He said without much emotion in his voice.  

Erwin nodded.  “It’s funny.  I can’t remember how I died either.  I was leading the charge against the beast titan and... that’s where it ends.”  He swirled his drink around in the glass with his straw, watching the ice cubes dance.  “My whole life I’ve been researching alternate realities, parallel universes… trying to find evidence of these titans, of the walls… I haven’t found any.”  He looked wistful.  “I imagine we’re not the only ones.  A whole world can’t have disappeared into nothing.”

“I wonder.”  Mike mused.  “You might be onto something with parallel universes.  Wormholes, old souls, that kind of thing.”  He shrugged.  “I’m glad we found each other.”  

Erwin nodded.  “Me too.”  He could see it on Mike’s face; the man was searching for someone too.  A face in his dreams that consumed his heart and most of his thoughts.  He had a hole in his heart and only a faint memory guiding him towards fulfillment.  

**

By the time Erwin was approaching his thirty-fifth birthday, he had more or less given up on finding Levi again.  Or, that’s what he told himself anyway.  He’d tried to function in a romantic relationship a number of times, but nothing had ever quite clicked.  He was too aloof, maybe, not good enough at displaying his feelings.  He was never… there, in an emotional sense.  

Gone where the days when Erwin had browsed teashops, underground fighting rings, cleaning supply stores in hopes of finding Levi again.  Mike in that time had found Nanaba, and Erwin was truly happy for them both.  It was difficult to give up hope, he supposed, but hope was making it difficult to function.  In the other world his depression had consumed him, had damaged the lives of the people around him.  He didn’t want to make his parents worry, after all.  They had done so much for him.  

Despite his resolve, Erwin still found himself always keeping an eye out for Levi wherever he went.  He never used headphones in case he missed Levi’s voice calling out, he tended not to stare at his phone for a similar reason.  At night, he’d look through obituaries, death announcements, anything to just… prove that Levi existed.  That it was okay to give up on finding him.  

Nothing ever panned out, of course, so on his birthday he decided to treat himself.  He took the Monday off to give himself a nice three day weekend at the beach.  Living in the city as he did he very rarely got to get out and see nature, and… well, the ocean carried a lot of significance for him.   He’d always, always dreamed of seeing it with Levi one day.  

It wasn’t very difficult to rent a cottage by the beach in the middle of October, and he spent the better part of the weekend huddled up inside next to the quaint little fireplace.  The weather was awful, the winds were roaring, and he was glad he had a bit of privacy here.  He filled a solitary glass of wine and watched the watched the beautiful full moon break through the clouds and dance on the surface of the water.

**

The weather broke on his birthday, at least enough for him to stroll up and down the coast and get some fresh air.  He ignored the notifications on his phone and shoved it in his pocket.  Aging was hard.  Perhaps harder still now that he knew he was approaching the age when he’d died in that other world.  That Erwin Smith had accomplished so much in that time and… although this Erwin was successful by virtually all measures, he felt he had accomplished nothing. Thirty five years of looking for a ghost.  Thirty five years alone and desperate.  Happy fucking birthday, commander.  

He snuggled up against his thick woolly scarf and made his way down the pebbly shore.  The wind was harsh and angry, but at least the sun was vaguely trying to make itself known.  It wasn’t pleasant, but the ocean spray in his hair was making him feel alive.  There was something haunting and beautiful about the vast expanse of the sea, and he found himself looking across the horizon and wondering where… wondering where Levi was.  If he was even alive at all.

Possibly he needn’t have worried so much.  Off in the distance he heard a soft ‘fuck.’  

His ears pricked up, his eyes widened, and he scanned the beach.  Maybe a hundred yards away there was a slight man standing at the edge of the water, staring right back at him.  His arms were crossed, his eyes narrowed, a shock of black hair blowing in the wind around his eyes.  His clothes were worn but clean, he looked healthy.  

Levi.  Erwin’s mind was racing— it was Levi, it was Levi, he was certain of it—yet he hadn’t considered the possibility that Levi might not know him, might not remember or recognize him, might not want anything to do with him— shit. His heart ached with how much he adored this man, and it took everything he had to keep himself restrained and not throw himself at Levi.

He took a calming breath and started to approach, as it was apparent Levi was not going to come up to him first.  Each step closer hardened his resolve; it was Levi, he knew his face, he knew his stance, he knew this man.  Thirty five years of searching, it was him, it was him. 

“Levi?”   He called tentatively, carefully… as a young man, Levi had been so skittish and mistrusting.  Who knew how old he was now?  What his life had been like, if he had any reason to be wary of strange men calling out to him on the beach.  

There was something difficult in Levi’s expression— pain, certainly, worry, confusion, heartache… a touch of excitement, disbelief, joy too… but… pain was the predominating feature.  “Erwin.”  He said at last.  “Of all the fucking beaches in all the fucking world.”

They didn’t run to meet each other in the sand and hug, they didn’t kiss, they didn’t cry.  That interaction answered a few questions, actually.  Levi knew him.  Levi had at least some of his memories from the past.  Levi likely had met someone else from their world, or he would have been much, much more surprised to see him.  And… Levi had been actively avoiding him all this time.

Erwin hesitated for a moment, trying to plan how best to proceed.  “It… it’s been a while.”  

Levi’s expression fell into something detached and cynical, a more typical look for him to be sure.  “Yeah.”

“I rented a little cottage by the water.”  Erwin said, forcing a plastic smile to his lips.  “Do you want to come in so we can catch up?”

A war raged in Levi’s eyes.  “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”  He muttered, and started turning his back on Erwin.  

“Levi.”  Erwin said softly, the vulnerability and hurt was obvious in his voice.  “Please don’t walk away from me again.  I’ve been searching my whole life for you.  Only you.  Please.”

Levi pinched the bridge of his nose and let out a small groan.  “Fine.  It better not be a long walk.”

**

They were both silent as they walked to the cabin, the soft crunch of the sand beneath their feet and the soft roar of the waves as they hit the shore were the only real sounds.  Erwin kept a respectful distance from Levi, but he noticed that although Levi was keeping his eyes in front of him, on occasion he snuck a little glance up at Erwin.  He smiled then.  It was such a Levi thing to do that it made his heart sing.

“Make yourself at home.”  Erwin said pleasantly when they arrived, tossing a log onto the dying embers in the fireplace.  

“You kept the place clean.”  Levi remarked with no small amount of surprise.  His fingers ran along one of the wooden surfaces, coming up dust free.  “Not bad.”

Erwin chuckled.  “My whole life I’ve been looking for you, Levi.  I got into the habit of keeping a clean home just in case.”  

Levi cocked an eyebrow.  “Gay.”  He decided, inviting himself into the kitchen so he could brew them both some nice tea.  

The swell of love that Erwin felt was almost indescribable.  His face ached from smiling, and it was all he could do to stop himself from hugging Levi from behind, from kissing his neck up and down, from running to the bedroom and just… seeing where the day took him.  

But he didn’t do that.  “I suppose so.”  He tried to swallow his smile.  “How have you been, Levi?  Tell me about—“

“What do you remember?”  Levi demanded, his eyes sharp and desperate.  “From before.”

Erwin swallowed.  “I remember titans.  I remember a world crushed from the outside by disgusting monsters who threatened to destroy everything.  I remember losing my father to my own stupidity, and I remember being in the army.  I found a young man in the underground who changed my life, a man so brilliant and talented that I believed he and I could save the world together.  He was my right hand, and he stood beside me and supported me through all my crazy ideas.  I was in love with him, and he knew me better than I knew myself.”

He paused there, watching Levi carefully.  He’d always been good at coaching his expressions, and he was difficult to read, but… the pain in his face was escalating, and the tips of his ears were red.  “We did everything together.  People seldom saw me without him— without you.  You supported me through losing my arm, through the coup, you helped me chase my dream and… and when everything was falling around us, you stood beside me and helped me lead the final charge.  I died proud, I died as the man I wanted to be.  I died knowing you would finish what I started.”  He reached over and took Levi’s hand.  “You were in my heart as I faced the beast titan.  The greatest love of my life.”

Levi’s face was grey and ashen.  He pulled his hand away from Erwin and licked his lips.  “Do you want to know what was in the basement?”

Erwin narrowed his eyes for a moment.  “Yes.”  

“You were right.”   Levi said, putting on his coat as he headed to the door.  “You were right about everything.”

**

Letting Erwin die had been the hardest thing Levi had ever done.  Leaving him alone in that cottage, that desperately lonely look in his eyes, was certainly a close second.  His whole life he’d been dreaming of Erwin, wondering where he was, what his life had ended up like.  He seemed put together, at least.  Well dressed, wealthy, nice car, nice watch… good.  He’d done well in this life, he was probably happy, had friends… this was fine.  

Levi hastily texted Hanji before he got on his bike.  ‘Meet me at the bar.  Some bullshit happened.’

He had come to the ocean for the same reason Erwin had, dammit.  He’d wanted to be close to him on his birthday, he wanted to honor the commander in one of the only ways he could think of.  He didn’t fucking like the ocean, it was cold and polluted and fish fucked in it.  …besides, the ocean had always been a sore point for him.  It reminded him of Armin.  It reminded him of he day he’d let Erwin rest.  

He hated the ocean, but he often did things he hated out of respect for Erwin.  He hadn’t expected to actually find the piece of shit, with his stupid gorgeous face and his hopeful eyes and god dammit why was this happening?  He was never supposed to see him again.  Erwin deserved better.

Despite his helmet and hood Levi had ended up soaked by the time he peddled up to the bar.  “Levi you look like a drowned squirrel!   So cute.”  She patted him dry with some questionable bar napkins and Levi slapped her hand away.  

“Fuck off, Hanji.  I’m not in the mood.” He went behind the bar and poured them both some whiskey.  

She rolled her eyes.  “What, did you find Erwin or something?”

He shot her a glare so withering and severe that she actually flinched.  “Oh.  Jesus Levi.  I had no idea, I’m so sorry.”  She put a hand on his shoulder and he shrugged her away.  “Did… you talk to him?”

“Yeah.  He remembers the old world.  He remembers me.”  Levi swallowed.  “He doesn’t know how he died.  Hanji I can’t—“

“I know.”  She said gently.  “And you know that I’m going to tell you that he’s not going to be angry with you. You must have been wondering, right?  All these years— where he’s been, who he’s become, if he dreamed of you like you dreamed of him?  Finding me was one in a million, Levi!  Finding both of us was one in a billion!  Don’t fuck this one up because of your hangups.  Look at me.”  She forced him to make eye contact by clutching his cheeks.  “Erwin will love you no matter what.  Don’t fucking do this.”

Levi had reconnected with Hanji a few years earlier, purportedly by chance but he now suspected she had tracked him down on her own.  Her whole life had been marred with difficulty, as the memories of her past life had caused her nothing but trouble.  She had refused to hide her ‘mental impairment’ and it had cost her dearly.  When she had finally found Levi, she had broken down and sobbed.  

On Levi’s end, he had spent his whole life wondering if he was insane— cursing himself every time a tall blond man made him turn his head.  Meeting Hanji, confirming that it wasn’t all in his mind had been extremely liberating but… that meant Erwin was real too.

He’d been able to avoid tracking him down for a while, as Hanji was highly motivated to find Moblit first.  After an exhaustive search they found him at last, as the subject of a gofundme page for a young man with leukemia.  According to the last update, Moblit had died about two years prior, surrounded by family and loved ones.  Hanji didn’t speak about him much, but knowing Erwin was out there, that Levi was squandering this chance was probably killing her.

But it didn’t matter.  Levi had allowed Erwin to die.  He had snatched his last chance at life away, and ensured his dream would never come true.  Beyond that, he had failed to kill the beast titan.  Levi Ackerman had spent the last decades of his life crippled and useless, unable to join the final fray, unable to keep his vow.  Levi had survived all of them.  Little by little his world became empty, and he wasted away to nothing.  His penance had been a life of solitude and reflection, and that wasn’t about to change now.  

He had robbed the world of Erwin Smith, he didn’t deserve to find happiness with him now.  Erwin fucking deserved better.

**

Erwin had stood for a good long while staring at the door after Levi left.  He thought about following, about grabbing Levi’s arm and forcing him to stay but it just wasn’t the way Erwin operated.  He’d watched through the window as Levi had cycled off and covered his eyes with his hand.  

He could have followed, but he didn’t.  If Levi didn’t want anything to do with him, he had to respect that.  Perhaps it was enough to know that Levi was alive and well, that he was well, not happy exactly but… functional.  Fuck.  

He wondered what might have transpired in their old world to have gotten Levi to turn on him so completely.  Maybe in his last moments, Erwin had betrayed humanity, let them all down, disappointed Levi beyond measure.  Maybe Levi had reconsidered all of the deaths Erwin had been responsible for, maybe he blamed him and thought him a monster now.  Maybe he’d lived a long happy life in a titan free world, settled down with a nice man and felt disloyal to consider the love of another?

Erwin had never entertained the possibility that Levi would reject him if they were ever reunited.  He’d taken their love for granted, and now he was paying the emotional price.  Idly, he wondered if he would ever recover from such a blow.  

He called in sick to work for the rest of the week, and extended his lease on the cottage.  He was in no shape to work right now, and he needed some time to heal and plan his life from now on.  Levi was not an option anymore, and he had the rest of his life to think about.  Maybe he could get married now, give his parents some grandchildren.  Maybe he could fake his way through the rest of his life, and die knowing his soulmate had moved on long ago.  

It was fine.  He was fine.

He sunk into the plush little armchair which sat beside the fireplace.  His head fell into his hands and he took some deep, solid breaths as he tried to calm the miserable anxiety coiling in the pit of his stomach.  Depression had destroyed commander Smith once before.  He wondered if loneliness might do it this time.

His phone started buzzing in his pocket and of course he ignored it.  That is, until the buzzing became incessant, annoying, and worrying in its urgency.  An unknown number was calling, and he sent it straight to voice mail.  Immediately following was a series of texts.

‘Erwin, it’s Hanji, I found your number online.  I know Levi met up with you, I know everything is fucked up right now.  Can we talk?’

**

Levi examined the glass he was holding against the warm yellow light of the bar.  Spotless.  Just how he liked it.  His heart was aching and he swallowed it down, deftly placing the glass in line with its siblings.  Had it always been this monotonous?  In a strange way, it reminded him of what life had been like immediately after Erwin had died.  The world was darker, music seemed muted, everything moved slower.  

It had been an awful part of his life the first time it had happened.  He’d staggered through life, his face unchanging, having to hear the snickers and whispers of those who blamed him for letting Erwin go.  What a fool that Levi was, he’s doomed us all, and that Erwin Smith, what a monster, what a villain, the two of them deserved each other.  Levi had silently borne it all.  He owed no one an explanation, and he felt he deserved some retribution for what he’d done.  It had been the right call, but it was hard to convince himself of that sometimes.  

Eren and his cohort had scarcely noticed a difference in Levi after Erwin died, and he wasn’t surprised.  They got to their fucking ocean, and the world kept spinning like Erwin had never mattered.  The fucking shitshow that followed was another story entirely but… fuck, what was wrong with him?  Levi never reminisced like this, it was pathetic.  

He’d seen Erwin for less than an hour yesterday, and his whole life had been turned upside down once more.  The man had a strange and terrible power, that’s for sure.  He shut his eyes and tried to banish Erwin from his mind, but as was often the case his beautiful gentle smile came to the forefront of his thoughts and made his heart clench.  

He’d spent the last decades of his first life praying for a chance like this… to be with Erwin again, unencumbered, free, living a life where happiness was a real possibility but… he’d let Erwin die, he’d broken his promise.  Erwin deserved better.  

The bell above the door chimed cheerfully as a customer allowed himself into the bar.  Levi glanced up, started offering to take the guy’s order when he saw it was Erwin.  His eyes widened and his jaw clenched.  “What the hell are you doing here?  You followed me?”

Erwin shook his head.  “Hanji called me.  She told me I would find you here.”  He sat down at the bar.  “I’d like a beer, please.”

Levi poured him one of the microbrew special crafted IPA bullshit beers he had on tap and set the glass down in front of him.  

“Thank you, Levi.”  

Levi’s heart clenched and he felt like he might be sick.  

Erwin was silent for a moment as he sipped his beer.  He carefully placed the glass on a coaster and looked started watching Levi with those impossible beautiful eyes of his.  Levi knew he looked pained, nervous, highly strung, and defensive.  He hesitated, not sure what to say.

Erwin broke the silence, then.  “I’d like to speak with you, Levi.  I’d like you to listen to what I have to say, and if at the end of that you still don’t want me to be a part of your life, I’ll accept it and I won’t bother you again.”

Levi met his eyes and nodded his consent.  How?  How could he still be under this man’s spell after a lifetime and a universe apart?

“I spent the final years of that other life loving you.  Wishing that we had the luxury of security and simplicity so we could just find happiness together.  Wishing for a world just like this one.  I loved that you were able to prioritize our mission, I loved how passionate we were, and I loved how I could be myself around you.  I’ve spent this entire life yearning for you and searching for you.  I never stopped loving you.”

Levi kept how moved he was off his face.  He kept his expression hard and cold. “You don’t understand.”  He muttered.  “You just don’t—“

“Hanji told me how I died.”  Erwin interjected, and Levi’s blood ran cold.  

“I don’t resent you for that, Levi.  She didn’t understand why you did what you did, but I do.”  He reached over and offered his hand for Levi to take.  His palm was warm and inviting looking, but Levi resisted taking it.  “You did it out of love.  It was a gift, an act of mercy.  You let me die with my humanity, my dreams, my sense of self intact.  I can’t forgive you, Levi.”  Levi’s heart dropped.   “…because there’s nothing for me to forgive.  You were right to let me go then.  I was ready to end it, I was at peace for once in my life.  It never would have ended up like this world, not in our lifetimes.  We never would have been happy.”  Erwin looked so tired, so hurt.  “We have this chance now.   A chance to carve a beautiful, peaceful life for ourselves.  I love you and I want to be with you.  Please, please don’t send me away.”

Levi recalled when Erwin had died.  How the news had hit him like a punch in the gut, how all at once the light had been snuffed from his life.  The way he’d crumpled into himself, picked up the pieces of his heart, and forced himself to keep standing.  Letting Erwin go was a choice he had to live with, one that he told himself he’d never regret, but… it had killed him.  His soul had died with Erwin, and that moment of intense, visceral pain hadn’t left him even now.  

He came out from behind the bar and hugged Erwin as tightly as he could.  His eyes screwed shut, the vague threat of tears at the back of his mind, he squeezed Erwin nice and hard and his breath hitched when he felt those strong arms envelop him.  “I missed you.”  Levi said simply.  “All this time, I thought of you.  I never stopped fighting for you, Erwin.  I never let you go, not really.”

“I know.”  Erwin’s voice was deep and soothing as ever, and Levi found himself smiling as Erwin nuzzled his hair.  

**

Erwin had often wondered what his first time with this world’s Levi would be like.  He sort of imagined someone getting slammed into a wall, fists raking through hair, more biting than kissing… a marathon of desperate animal sex which one might find in the deepest caves of the internet.  But it wasn’t like that at all.

Levi had closed the bar early and taken Erwin’s hand, and they’d walked to his little apartment in blissful, almost giddy silence.  Erwin followed Levi to his bedroom and sat down beside him on the mattress.  A comfortable beat of silence passed between them, and Levi made the first move.  

He crawled into Erwin’s lap and kissed him up and down his face, deft fingers working his shirt open, breathing in the soft skin beneath the fabric.  Levi was soft, tender, reverent even, and it made Erwin’s heart sing.  

Erwin cupped Levi’s face and drew him in for a kiss, urging him out of his clothes too.  Levi yielded, presented his neck, started rubbing himself along Erwin’s warm arousal.  He could see Levi wanted to be submissive, perhaps a show of apology for… everything, but it wasn’t exactly what Erwin had in mind.

In letting Erwin die, Levi likely felt he’d betrayed Erwin’s trust.  Like he’d been trusted with a precious jewel and he’d thrown it away without a thought.  Levi probably wanted to make things right, to spend the rest of his life apologizing and worrying that Erwin loathed him for his act of love and mercy.  Erwin didn’t want that.  They had this second chance, and he didn’t want to waste another second lamenting over a world filled with monsters and angry teenagers.

Levi began to prepare himself and Erwin gently caught his wrist with his hand.  “Not today.”  He said peacefully, his eyes hooded with affection.  Erwin leaned back on the bed and coyly spread his legs, an act of love and trust which he would do for no other.  “I want you.”  He informed Levi.  “I love you and I’ve never stopped loving you.  I always, always want to be with you.”

Levi’s expression relaxed into something trusting and warm, the little wrinkle between his eyebrows diminished and he licked his lips.  “You might regret that.”  He said, a light tease in his voice.  “You might not realize this, but I’m a cranky, fastidious, miserable little asshole.”

Erwin laughed and the mattress vibrated beneath him.  “I think I can probably handle that.  I’m a manipulative, emotionally distant, megalomaniacal bastard.”

“Not much has changed then, old man.”  Levi’s eyes were warm, a cautious joy threatening to mar his facial features.  He took his time prepping Erwin, kissing his temple and cheeks as he worked.  Every touch was tender, and the whole room was heavy with love and affection.  Erwin was glad to take Levi like this, and he shut his eyes against the pleasure he felt as he was filled.  

Yes.  Everything about this was right.  

The sex itself was over quicker than might be desirable, but perhaps that was to be expected considering how long they’d both wanted this.  It didn’t really matter; they were both satisfied, fulfilled, and drunk on each other.  Levi insisted on washing up before they cuddled, but as soon as they’d rinsed off Levi found his usual spot nestled up against Erwin’s chest.  

“I never thought this would happen.”  Levi admitted.  “I never imagined we could get time like this.  To just… be together.  Nothing hanging over our heads.  It’s not bad.”

Erwin smiled and stroked his shoulder.  “Not bad at all.”  He agreed.  “The rest of our lives is going to be like this.  I never want to be apart from you again.”  He kissed the top of Levi’s head.  “Move in with me?”

“Fuck, Erwin.  You move fast.  This wasn’t even a proper first date.”

“Oh goodness, you’re right.  I barely wined and dined you at all.  Your friends are going to think I’m terribly cheap.”

“Guess you could make it up to me by going for another round?”  Levi was smiling.  

“Levi, I’m sorry, but I’m just not the type of man who has sex twice on the first date.  I have to have some boundaries.”  Erwin was smiling too.

“You’re such a loser.”  Levi grumbled affectionately, wrapping his arms around Erwin’s neck and kissing him all over his face.  “You’d think I’d have developed better taste in men by now.”

“Mm, can’t argue with that.”  Erwin flipped him over and pinned him to the bed.  “You never said if you’d move in with me or not.”

Levi looked up at him, his eyes sparkling as he pushed Erwin’s hair out of his forehead and back into place.  “Duh.”  

**

Life fell into a pleasant routine after that.  Erwin sold his shares in his company and used the profits to buy a quaint little tea shop in a cozy village by the sea.  He loved his life with Levi, the simple pleasures that came with living a normal existence.  He was getting better at baking, and Levi seemed truly content.

Each night they’d make some time for each other, even if it was just snuggling up together while they both dicked around on their phones, or doing chores together, just… simple, gentle time.  

Sometimes they’d reminisce about the old world, or wonder about how the universes were connected, about the metaphysical implications of past lives or wormholes or… it didn’t matter.  Erwin sometimes surprised himself by not obsessing over that life anymore— the basement, even held only a small appeal now that there was no war to be won, no ghosts to avenge.  

Still.  It was in his nature to be curious.

“Levi?”  He asked one night, resting his head on Levi’s thigh as they both sprawled out on the couch together.  “So… after the basement, what happened next?”  He wiggled his eyebrows.  “Didja miss me?”

Levi flicked his forehead and let out an exasperated but affectionate sigh.  “Don’t even go there, Erwin.  The whole thing was a fucking shitshow and you should be thanking me that you weren’t there for it.  Teen angst everywhere.”

Erwin laughed and snuggled into the warm flesh of Levi’s leg.  “Mm.  We should have gotten a spinoff.” “Two old men bantering in the woods.  Dunno if it has any real market appeal, commander.”

Erwin just shut his eyes.  “We just need a media strategist.  I bet it’d be very popular.  I’ve never been wrong before.”  

Levi smiled and stroked Erwin’s hair.  “That’s true.”  His voice was gentle.  

Erwin found it so easy to fall asleep like this.  The couch was warm and comfortable, Levi’s body was soft and smelled amazing, and the gentle hand in his hair was soothing beyond words.  He drifted off with a smile on his face, wondering what Levi would mumble now that he was sure Erwin wouldn’t hear him.

“I love you, you bastard.”  The words were soft and reverent.  

Erwin wondered what he’d done to deserve such happiness.  

#my stuff #bottomerwinweek2019 #bottomerwinweek #bottomerwin #eruri #i dunno if this one works but whatever #reincarnation au

[dotjl]

Mind the gap - Diary entry 1

It’s literally been more than a month since I’ve made a diary entry. I know, I know, bad girl and all that. I’m just bad at motivating myself, unfortunately So, a lot has happened. I’ve moved, my mother has acknowledged my existence again, I’ve had a root canal, I’m on a new antidepressant and there was a suicide attempt. I don’t really know where to start, so I guess I’ll try to go for chronological order

I had to move at the end of October because I’d been staying with 7112 and her parents 4 months, and they really couldn’t support me anymore. Tbh, it’s a relief, because her parents’ transphobia was really getting to me. Being deadnamed over and over really got to me. 7112 was helpful in most ways but she had to try and accommodate her parents, so she called me “he” a lot, which hurt. She also got very frustrated with me and said some really hurtful things. I understand that I have a bad working memory and that it can be frustrating to deal with me, but it really hurts when people react that way. I’m always trying to accommodate people and do better, but I really struggle. I hate it when people act like I don’t even try. She’d done this 3 times by the time I moved out. I’m still feeling quite hurt about it Before I moved out the depression and dysphoria got to me so much that I wanted to commit suicide. I discussed it with my friends on WhatsApp and Discord, and they didn’t really have a solution, so I put my phone on DND, took a knife and headed upstairs to try and do the deed. I filled the bath with warm water, since I’ve heard that one tends to feel quite cold when exsanguinating, undressed and mentally prepared myself for the cutting. Then, to my frustration, I discovered that not even the tip of the knife could actually pierce my skin. It was a steak knife, so I had assumed it would be sharp. I moved on to trying to drown myself, holding my breath under the surface until I needed to take a breath. I succeeded in getting bathwater in my sinuses, I don’t recommend the experience. I then tried to strangle myself with a towel, not effective. I’d thought it would at least block the blood flow to my brain and slowly starve it of oxygen, but apparently my heart was having none of that. I ended up just lying on the floor for a few hours and trying not to think. I was so frustrated and tired

I ended up going to a hospital and being transferred to a state hospital. Once again, misgendering and deadnaming. I was fucking pissed at one of the nurses for continuously walking in while I showered, and I think I slammed a door for the first time in my life that day. I spent most of my time trying to sleep and avoid reality, and I barely spoke to anyone who wasn’t on the staff. There was a really nice nurse with dreads that gave me a pep-talk, and I appreciate him. He was a more comfortable element of that environment I was quite annoyed at one of the other patients, because he kept on comparing me to Lilith from the bible and trying to sell me on off-brand satanism, and he had no concept of personal space. Others tried to talk to me but respected it when I said I didn’t want to talk, which was nice.  I eventually met my new psychiatrist, who took me off of Risperdal, saying I wasn’t psychotic at all so she had no idea why I was on it in the first place. I’m now on another antidepressant that seems to be working much better. For once I’m actually not feeling suicidal. I got discharged and told to come back on the 26th of November, so I’m going to do that. It’s a bit far, but it should be fine. Cheaper than buying all the meds, I hope. After I got discharged my father brought me here to 1281′s house, where I’ve been living since. It’s been a bit of an adjustment, as I have to actively insist on doing chores so I don’t feel like a leech, but it’s so nice to be able to be myself for once. It’s thrown me off of my schedule for a bit, hence why it’s taken me this long to start exercising again, but it’s all right. They’ve been wonderful. I’m just watching 1281′s mom very closely because I know she’s a narcissist who tends to make life hard for them. I’ve already spotted some toxic behaviours. My mother, who I’ve fallen out with on multiple occasions, finally decided to acknowledge that I exist again after my suicide attempt, giving me 4k in maintenance that she owed me. She says she wants me to be studying or working if she’s going to be paying maintenance, but doesn’t seem to realise that I needed to actually apply to universities to study there, and I can’t get a bursary unless I applied. It’s really annoying. She keeps sending me more things to apply to despite the fact that I’ve already settled on doing TEFL. I’m thinking I should maybe use the money she gave me to buy a new phone, since this one is falling apart quite badly. I’ll think on it, I suppose

I’ve been having severe toothache for a while now, and I got to a dentist this week who did an excellent root canal and finally helped me deal with the pain. Apparently an abscess had been forming, which is why it was so sore. The tooth is dead now, but I’ll still be taking good care of it. I should have started flossing properly sooner, then this wouldn’t have happened. I know for next time, I guess. My anxiety was quite high during the procedure, but it seems that it was unwarranted, since everything turned out perfectly. I’m very grateful Overall I suppose the changes have been positive. I feel much better than I did while staying with 7112, at least Gratitude: 1.The food here! 2. Being able to hang out with 1281 3. My new mouse! 4. The root canal 5. My pan ass finally getting back to exercising 6. My mother giving me money 7. My father being a good person in general 8. The rain! It’s been so gorgeous 9. My friends. They’re wonderful people. I’m glad to have them 10. I only have to get another Oestrogen implant in January! Cheapness ftw! 11. Memes

#suicide #tw suidice #tw knives #tw strangling #tw hospital #tw dentist #tw teeth #daily diary