#workingonforgiveness

[dianareagon]

If I wrote you a letter...

Dear Ex-Husband, I have so much I want you to hear, so much I want you to understand about me, my faith, our family, our children, our story... about what you left behind.   No, I didn’t love you when we got married.  I thought I maybe did or did enough, but I was a crazy mess which I know you were drawn to, but I wasn’t happy with myself.  I was out of control and convinced I needed a prince to catch me up in his arms and whisk me away so that I would know I was loved by someone; I craved the feeling of security and acceptance.   You seemed nice and said you were a Christian.  I knew I was avoiding God and wanted to go back, but how?  You were supposed to be that answer. After all, men are supposed to be the Godly leaders of the household and you’d straighten me out.  You, being any man, were my answer.  No, I didn’t see any fruit from your faith, but I also wasn’t producing any at that time, either.  I also forced you into being the answer to so many prayers I had years before when I begged God to give me my college sweetheart; you had the same name and God answers us in his own way, after all.  I twisted you into the “answer” when I knew you weren’t since he wouldn’t have sent me someone to encourage my sinful behavior...Stupid, tunnel-visioned me.  If only I had taken the step back and allowed God to have any influence on my life; I would have seen the red flags I was put blinders on to avoid.  If only I’d looked to Him as the savior he is instead of you. But that wasn’t the story.  I married you because I loved the idea of you and was seeking the love/security from a human that only God can provide.  I see that now years out, but it took time.  I was pregnant or with newborns for over half of our 4.5 year marriage which included the first 9-15 months of our marriage.  Once the ink on that certificate dried, I became very anxious.  This commitment was meant for life and what had I just done?  I wouldn’t ever leave you, but I was angry.  Angry with myself for being stuck, angry with you for not being the husband I had imagined, angry with everything because I still didn’t feel safe, secure, and loved... those first several months were hard without even without the hormones of pregnancy.  This was not safe and secure; this is not what I wanted.  But then this beautiful baby was born. Oh, our first child.  I love her so much and am so grateful for our marriage because of her.  We agreed that the first six months after her birth were horrible with no sleep, pumping, cleaning, feeding, diapers, limited money and time together, etc.  But we made it through though we didn’t know if we were ever willing to do that again.  We were celebrating your birthday, figuring out our roles in the marriage, making a home together, going on our first vacations with family....  I was learning to love you.  I couldn’t fully, yet, but I was very much learning.  We fought a lot and it was hard since we were both immature and stressed with a new marriage, new baby, new debt, no time together (a huge deal since we spent every moment together prior to Bunny), but I was committed to you and committed to loving you as best as I could. And then Bunny’s and my birthdays happened, you mentioned “divorce,” and I found out you were cheating.  It took you showing me you weren’t safe and didn’t love me in the way I’d hoped for me in SUCH an extreme way for me to go running to God.  I was hurt and letdown.  How could my husband of just over a year have an affair?  And with an aspiring lingerie model who worked at a call center, no less?  (It doesn’t matter, but I find it semi-funny at this point.)  All I could do was plead to God I’d been keeping on a shelf for years to restore my marriage, my heart, my love for Him.  And He did.  He was faithful, true, kind, gracious, loving, forgiving, and safe.  He welcomed me with open arms as if I hadn’t wandered from them before.  It finally clicked.  You weren’t my safety, He was.   After a lot of counseling, praying, talking, and patience you came back.  I was walking on eggshells to keep you, but I committed to be married to you for life and that promise was renewed as my relationship with Christ grew.  I realized I truly loved you and you said you did, too.  You told me my commitment to you was overwhelming proof of my love for you and you couldn’t begin to remember the mindset you were in when you thought about leaving the marriage.  I continued working on myself, the marriage, and being a mom which I loved... I loved it enough to do it all over again and I thought you wanted it, too.  However, your reaction when I took the test and it came back positive left a lot to be desired.  It still hurts. So with pregnancy #2 underway, I did slack a bit on my part.  I was tired, nauseous, emotional, anxious, and it was a rough pregnancy just one year after your affair.  I didn’t focus on God or you as I needed to with so many scares throughout and feeling like I was doing it on my own including raising the toddler... whom you even noticed didn’t mind you like she did me.  I understand you worked a lot and worked out, but I had wished you would have asked me more about it, shown up to a few more of the appointments, or even initiated conversations so I could have talked my feeling out instead of me just spouting.  But that didn’t happen.  I wanted to go out on dates, I wanted you to want to know me and begged you to get to know me until we were both angry.  And when I felt unloved and unheard, I didn’t hold my tongue and I slipped into old habits of nagging because you didn’t pay bills again that month or take out the trash yet again.  I was trying to turn you into the “prince” who would give me security I longed for because I’m a forgetful human....I still very much loved Jesus and had a relationship with him, but it stagnated as I felt you drawing away and my anxiety kicking in and telling me to get things under control.   I started writing on the calendar how often we were fighting, how you were disappearing every other weekend and skipping out on time with Bunny and me.  You were lying to me, apologizing, and lying about more.  How could you during a scary pregnancy?  How could you after you promised me you’d never leave again?  How could you after all the counseling?  How could you WHILE I was communicating my anxieties with this all looking like you leaving and maybe cheating again?  When I had the twins, we even had the discussion in the delivery room that I needed you not to disappear every other weekend.  I needed you here with me.  I needed you to be attentive and here. I needed you to actually pay the bills and quit lying to me constantly.  I felt scared and unsafe.  I needed you to be there for me.  You apologized and promised to be better.   But it didn’t matter.  I could talk to you all I wanted, but you didn’t actually love me.  I think you may have thought you did, but you loved yourself more and you probably even liked the idea of marriage beforehand... but it was hard and messy, especially so with the wife you proposed to. You didn’t love me and I couldn’t control you or force you to.  So there I was with babies I brought home from the NICU just 1.5 months prior staying with my parents while you were sorting things out.  Exactly 2 years since the last time you decided to leave; two years since your last affair. Two years since the birthday I spent alone in a park with Bunny.... I spent it without you, again.  Not even a text “happy birthday.”  You were gone.  You didn’t leave me for yet another weekend, you left me for good.  Your heart had completely hardened towards me and had softened to another.  I was alone with 3 baby girls and a dog.  Alone with no income.  Alone, unloved, and completely unsafe. I married you because I wanted to feel safe and loved.  You provided the opposite in every way imaginable. But, I’ve chosen to be grateful for our marriage in-part as this past year has gone along.  I still love you and care deeply about you though I know you aren’t good for me; you aren’t the solution and you’ve actually been a huge part of perpetuating the problem.  I learned marriage isn’t the answer and other humans will always fail you.  Security, everlasting love, goodness, truth, confidence, worth, hope... all of that can only be found in Christ.  I also have three amazing girls from our marriage whom I love deeply and give me purpose in this world.  I have a deeper relationship with family and especially my dad in wake of your affairs.  I have relationships with other Christians, am involved in a few Bible study groups, am volunteering and making more connections than I did in our entire relationship.  I have connected with other abandoned mothers and have grown immensely in my relationship and faith with God.  I’ve found security and love.  I no longer rely on you for my confidence and self-worth.  I am worthy of love despite you.  I am worthy of friendship, respect, kindness. I am worthy of everything you didn’t give me.  I am worthy because God says I am.   I hope you find your worth in Him, too.  He loves you so much and will pursue you, but it is your choice. This letter  is only a slight glimpse of my thoughts that are forever changing as I grow and ponder different aspects of our life together and my growth in it....I have so much more to say, but that’s a letter for a different day. With love, Your ex-wife

#year31 #workingonforgiveness #abandoned #God is Good #He is my all in all #figuring life out #failed marriage #failed expectations #single mom