#writing is so nerve racking for me these days and i have absolutely zero faith in my abilities 😅

[eddiesdiaz]

i bloom just for you

for @florenceandthemachine - happy birthday to my ride or die, my absolute favorite ✨

read on ao3

“What do you miss the most about Texas?”

The question takes Eddie by surprise; he and Buck have been staring at his TV screen in silence for the better part of an hour now. They just got off a 24-hour shift, and they’re both dead to the world, but Eddie had mentioned that Chris was sleeping over at a friend’s and he was dreading going home to an empty house, and Buck had followed him home, simple as that.

“Is it the food? I bet the barbecue’s amazing,” Buck muses, pulling a laugh out of Eddie.

“The barbecue is incredible,” Eddie confirms with a nod. “Honestly, though?”

Buck raises an eyebrow, humming to encourage Eddie to go on.

“The bluebonnets.”

“Yeah? They’re the state flower, right?” Buck asks, and honestly, the fact that he knows that doesn’t surprise Eddie in the slightest.

“Yeah. It’s dorky as hell, but every Texan has a family picture in a field of bluebonnets. It’s, like, a staple,” Eddie says, a fond smile taking over his face at the mere thought.

Buck perks up at that immediately. “Does that mean there’s Diaz family bluebonnet pictures?” he asks, sounding entirely too excited at the prospect.

Eddie considers denying it, but he knows Buck will get it out of him eventually, and he’s too tired to put up a fight.

He heaves a dramatic sigh, then asks, “Promise you won’t laugh?”

“Pinky promise,” Buck agrees, holding his pinky out to Eddie seriously.

Eddie hooks their pinkies together, swallowing the overwhelming wave of affection he feels for Buck at the gesture, and then pulls himself off the couch. He goes over to the bookshelf, grabs his favorite photo album, and sets it in Buck’s lap before sitting back down next to him.

Because he doesn’t just have a few bluebonnet pictures; he has an entire album full of them.

There’s a page for every year Eddie lived at home. It had been a family tradition; every single year, without fail, they packed up the car and made a day of it. They’d go and take their pictures, have a picnic for lunch, and stop for ice cream and a movie on the way home.

They’re mostly shots of him and his sisters, or of all five of them, but there’s a few of just Eddie and his parents after Sophia and Adriana had moved out. He doesn’t remember a lot of his childhood, but he can recall each of these days with perfect clarity, and so much fondness.

Buck’s flipping through the pages slowly, with a smile so soft it makes Eddie’s cheeks flush.

“You guys are adorable. You look so happy,” he says.

“We weren’t always,” Eddie admits. He points to a picture and tells him, “I snuck out of the house that weekend to go to some party. My parents were furious at me, and I was pissed because they grounded me for a month.”

He turns a few more pages, then adds, “Mom and Dad got in a huge fight a couple days before this. They weren’t even speaking to each other.”

“Really? That didn’t ruin the memories for you?” Buck asks without looking up from the album.

Eddie’s first instinct is to get defensive, but Buck doesn’t sound like he’s judging or assuming; just curious.

“Nah, not really,” Eddie answers, shaking his head. “Sophia used to hate it. She thought it was all fake, like we were just pretending to be the perfect family, but I never thought of it that way. For me, it was...comforting. Reassuring. Like, no matter what happened, no matter how bad things got, we always showed up for each other, you know?”

“Yeah, I get that,” Buck says. “It’s something you’ve always been able to hold on to, right? To remind you to have hope?”

It’s staggering sometimes, honestly, how effortlessly Buck understands him. Eddie knows for a fact Buck can’t relate in the slightest when it comes to his own parents, and yet a mere few sentences is all it takes for him to grasp something Eddie’s been trying to explain to his sisters for years.

Eddie nods in confirmation. “My relationship with my parents has been complicated for a long time now, but I’ve never doubted how much they love me. It sounds stupid, but even when things were at their worst — when they wanted to take Chris from me — I thought of the bluebonnets, and I knew. I knew they’d respect my decision and stand by me once they saw past what they thought was right.”

“And they did,” Buck says, reaching over to rest a gentle hand on Eddie’s knee.

Every part of Eddie aches to reach out and touch in return, to cover Buck’s hand with his own and stroke his fingers, to kiss his knuckles tenderly. But he’s never had the courage to do any of that even on his best days, let alone in the middle of a conversation that’s leaving him much more vulnerable than he’s comfortable being.

So instead, he hums in agreement and offers Buck a shaky smile. “They did.”

Buck turns another page and there’s pictures of Eddie with a pregnant Shannon. They both look so young, naive and completely carefree, and it makes Eddie’s stomach turn to see it now, after everything. God, they had no idea.

Buck’s grin grows impossibly wider as soon as Chris starts making an appearance in the photos. They have some of him for every year, too; Eddie hates that he’s missing from some of them, but he loves Shannon for doing it even when he was gone.

“I love that you guys kept up the tradition with him,” Buck says, brushing his fingers across a three-year-old Christopher’s smiling face.

“Yeah, I wanted to share it with him. I want him to have that same comfort to fall back on when he needs it.”

“Eddie,” Buck says, voice soft and reverent. “He doesn’t need it like you did.”

“What do you mean?” Eddie asks, eyebrows furrowed.

Before Eddie even realizes it’s happening, Buck’s hand is on his cheek, turning his head so he can look him in the eye. It’s unbelievably intimate, and even though Eddie’s first instinct is too much and terrifying and run, he melts into it instead, because it’s Buck.

“I mean, I’ve got nothing but respect for your parents. Honestly. It was a different time, and a different culture, and they did everything they could and raised the best person I’ve ever known. But like you said, it’s always been complicated,” Buck tells him sincerely, never breaking their eye contact. “There’s nothing complicated about you and Chris. It’s so simple and unconditional and transparent, the way you love him. He doesn’t need special occasions or distant memories to remind him of that, because he feels it every single day. You make sure of it.”

Eddie feels like all the air’s been sucked out of the room. He doesn’t know how Buck does it, how he always says exactly what Eddie doesn’t even realize he needs to hear. He feels a tear run down his cheek, and Buck wipes it away with his thumb, offering him an easy smile that makes Eddie’s heart squeeze in his chest.

It’s all so much, so overwhelming, and for the life of him, Eddie can’t find any words that do justice to what he’s feeling. So he opts for a hug instead, wrapping his arms around Buck’s waist and channeling all his love and affection and gratitude into it.

Buck doesn’t seem to mind the silence; he wraps an arm around Eddie’s shoulders and pulls him into his side with a sigh of contentment. They stay that way while they finish looking at the photo album, and through the rest of the movie they’d paused earlier, and when they inevitably fall asleep, curled up together on the couch.

Eddie could swear he feels a kiss pressed into his hair when Buck nudges him awake a few hours later, but he can’t find the courage to ask.

///

Eddie’s never been the biggest fan of his birthday. He doesn’t like being the center of attention, or the pressure of putting on a happy face all day, or people spending money on him when they have far more important things going on. He doesn’t dislike getting older, necessarily, but he’d rather do it in peace.

Buck knows all of this, which is why that morning at the station he gives Eddie an impossibly cozy hug and murmurs “happy birthday” into his ear so no one else can hear, and then doesn’t bring it up again for the rest of the day, even though Eddie can see he’s dying to.

Still, Eddie can’t say he’s surprised when later that night, after he’s had dinner and cake with Chris and tucked him into bed, Buck shows up at his door.

“Hey, Buck,” he greets him, and he tries to feign exasperation, but the lovesick smile that spreads across his face against his will is a dead giveaway.

“Hey, birthday boy,” Buck says, matching his grin. “Can I come in?”

Eddie steps to the side and holds the door open, and as Buck steps inside, he notices he’s holding his hands behind his back in a very suspicious manner.

“Buck…” he warns.

“I know,” Buck interrupts. “I know you don’t like presents, but this is, like, so small. It’s nothing, really, so stop being so grumpy and just take it, okay?”

With that, Buck reaches out and hands him a simple but beautiful bouquet of silk bluebonnets.

“Sorry they’re not real,” he says sheepishly. “But Chris helped me scour the internet for the prettiest fake ones we could find. Did you know they only grow for like, three weeks a year, and there’s this big myth that it’s illegal to pick them to keep people from doing it?”

Eddie does know; it’s drilled into every Texan kid’s head as soon as they start kindergarten, but Buck’s so damn cute when he’s excitedly reciting random trivia that Eddie wouldn’t dream of telling him that.

“I...this isn’t nothing, Buck.”

“I really wanted to get you the real thing, but I didn’t realize they were so exclusive,” Buck tells him in a defeated tone. Because leave it to Buck to feel like he didn’t do enough, like he failed, when it’s literally the most thoughtful gift Eddie’s ever been given.

“They’re perfect,” Eddie tells him with complete sincerity. “Thank you.”

He’s so distracted by Buck’s blinding smile that he almost misses the card tucked in with the flowers. As he reaches for it, though, Buck catches his hand with his own.

“Oh, uh, you don’t have to...you can read it later,” he stammers, a blush creeping its way onto his cheeks.

Eddie, for his part, just shakes free of Buck’s hand and shoots him a confused look. “I wanna read it now, weirdo.”

He continues as he was, unfolding the card carefully, and he’s totally blindsided by what he finds.

Happy birthday to the man that always shows up for me no matter what happens, that gives me something to hold on to and reminds me to have hope.

You’re my bluebonnets, Eddie.

Eddie’s mouth goes dry, eyes darting back and forth as he reads it once, twice, three times, to make sure it’s real and he’s not just imagining it.

He’s always painstakingly careful when it comes to the things Buck says and does. Eddie’s head over heels for him, he’s long since come to terms with that, but he never wants to make the mistake of reading too much into things and fabricating feelings from Buck that aren’t actually there. It’s excruciating, constantly reminding himself he can’t have what he wants, but it’s safe. He’d take his own misery and an intact relationship with Buck any day over telling the truth and having everything blow up in his face.

But this, though…

There’s no way Eddie’s misinterpreting this, right? He racks his brain, desperately trying to think of any explanation other than the one he so badly wants it to be, but he comes up with nothing.

He must stay silent for a beat too long, though, because the next thing he knows, Buck’s spiraling.

“Shit, it was too much, wasn’t it? I’m really sorry, Eddie, I swear I didn’t mean to—”

And Eddie can’t listen to him apologize for this. Even if he’s reading it all wrong and he gets his heart broken, Buck needs to know that it’s not too much, that he wants everything Buck’s willing to give him and then some.

“Buck, I’m in love with you,” he blurts out in a rush, before he loses his nerve.

Buck’s stunned to silence for a minute, eyes wide, until he manages to ask “Wait, really? Are you sure?”

Eddie huffs out a laugh, though it’s not funny at all, really, the way so many people throughout Buck’s life have convinced this perfect, beautiful man that he’s not enough. If he thinks about it for too long, he gets so angry he sees red.

However, he doesn’t dwell on that now, because their collective loss is Eddie’s entire world, as it turns out.

“Completely,” he confirms, a dorky smile plastered on his face that he couldn’t get rid of if he tried. “Can I please kiss you now?”

Buck finally gets with the program at that, breaking out in his own grin that could give Eddie a run for his money. “Yeah, I’d like that.”

Kissing Evan Buckley is...a revelation. It’s a million different things, and it’s absolutely intoxicating.

It’s sweet and simple that first time, in the foyer, over the bouquet of bluebonnets that finally got them there.

It’s adorably shy when Buck leans in over the kitchen sink while they’re doing the dishes together, hesitating like he’s not sure he’s actually allowed to.

It’s giddy when Eddie abandons the dishes in favor of encouraging Buck, both of them smiling into it until it’s barely even a kiss at all anymore.

It’s passionate and all-consuming when Buck lifts him up like he weighs nothing and sets him on the kitchen counter, Eddie’s legs wrapping around his waist as Buck licks into his mouth and proceeds to make him forget his own name.

It’s lazy when they’re laying in Eddie’s bed tangled up in each other, completely comfortable and carefree, like they have all the time in the world.

It’s soft and familiar the next morning when they tell Christopher the news over pancakes.

It melts Eddie’s heart completely when Chris gives each of them a kiss on the cheek in return and vocalizes what they’ve all known for a long time now: that the three of them are a family.

///

It’s funny, the way bluebonnets take on a whole new meaning for Eddie after that. The way the special place they hold in his heart grows impossibly larger and more sacred when it becomes a symbol for his relationship with Buck. Buck fits into it effortlessly, just like he’s fit into all the little holes and spaces in Eddie’s life he feared would always be empty. He shares Eddie’s love for bluebonnets wholeheartedly, despite the fact that he’s never even seen them for himself.

Before Eddie even gets a chance to rectify that situation, though, Buck beats him to it.

He invites Eddie and Chris over to the loft on a sunny Saturday afternoon; his face lights up as soon as he opens the door and sees them, which is nothing new, but it never fails to make Eddie’s heart skip a beat.

“Hey, Diaz boys,” he greets them, pausing to give Eddie a chaste kiss and then lean down to kiss the top of Christopher’s head. “I’ve got a surprise for you guys.”

Eddie and Chris share a look of curiosity before Buck takes them both by the hand and leads them out to the balcony.

Eddie doesn’t know what he’s expecting, but it most certainly isn’t to walk outside and see a planter full of real, live bluebonnets right here in L.A.

“Bluebonnets!” Chris cheers instantly, grinning as bright as the sun.

Eddie, on the other hand, is overwhelmed beyond belief, and he’s struggling to find words.

“Buck, I — when did you — how did you…”

“It wasn’t easy,” Buck admits with a sheepish smile. “I ordered the seeds the night you showed me the photo album, and I’ve never gardened before, but I did a ton of research and I checked on them constantly and I wasn’t even sure they were actually going to bloom, honestly, but then they did.”

“But the photo album...that was months ago, Buck,” Eddie says, mind still reeling.

Buck just shrugs. “I mean, yeah, it took some time. But you love them, and I love you,” he tells him, like it’s that simple, and honest to god, Eddie never knew it was possible to feel this much for one person.

It really is that simple, though, isn’t it? It’s just like what Buck told him about his relationship with Chris; it’s simple and unconditional and transparent, the way Buck loves him. And Eddie loves him back just as easily, just as completely. They’ve been taking things slow since they got together to make sure they’re doing it right and not jeopardizing their friendship, but it’s clearer than ever to Eddie in this moment that he doesn’t know what the hell they’re waiting for.

“I love you. Move in with us,” Eddie says, because now that he knows how much he wants to say it, he can’t keep it in for another second. “We can grow bluebonnets in the backyard — well, you can, we both know I’d probably kill them — and you can come home to us every day, and we can be together as a family. Always.”

“Yeah? Are you sure?” Buck asks. He makes a point to turn to Chris and ask him directly, “Are you okay with that, bud?”

“Obviously,” Chris answers, with a smile and an eye-roll that Eddie can’t help but chuckle fondly at. “Besides, Dad’s always complaining about how much he misses you when you’re not around. If you live with us, I won’t have to listen to it anymore.”

Buck snorts at that, ruffling Christopher’s hair playfully.

“Well, in that case, I think that sounds like a plan,” he tells them, and Eddie’s so happy he can’t even find it in himself to be embarrassed that Chris ratted him out.

They have a little photoshoot huddled around the bluebonnets together, and even though it’s not a field in Texas, Eddie happily adds the pictures to the photo album all the same.

///

Eddie feels like he’s going to be sick.

It’s bluebonnet season, and he told the boys he wanted to take Buck to Texas to see them. He figured they could fly into Austin or maybe Dallas, do some tourist stuff, and avoid the Diaz clan entirely. But then Chris asked if they were going to visit his grandparents, and Buck gently encouraged the idea, telling Eddie he thinks it’d be good for him to finally see them again, and now what Eddie thought was going to be a light, fun trip for just the three of them has turned into something so much more messy and complicated.

It’s not that Eddie doesn’t want to see his parents. In fact, it’s the opposite. The drama between them regarding Christopher’s care is over and done now; they apologized for the things they said, told Eddie they see now that he is what’s best for Chris, that they’re proud of him and they’re happy they’ve made a home for themselves in California. Eddie knows they meant it, and though his relationship with them is far from sunshine and rainbows, he misses them. He really does.

He just wishes the first time he’s seeing them since they doubted and questioned his life choices didn’t provide such a glaring opportunity for them to doubt and question his life choices all over again. Namely, the fact that he’s in love with a man.

Eddie wanted to warn them before the fact. He must have called them ten times with the intention of telling them he has a boyfriend, and it’s serious, and he wants them to meet him, but every time, he couldn’t find the courage to actually make the words come out.

And now he’s on a plane to El Paso with Buck sitting next to him, their fingers laced together, and his parents have no idea, and Eddie feels like he’s going to be sick.

“You know, we don’t have to tell them anything,” Buck tells him gently after glancing over at Chris to make sure he’s still distracted by the music playing in his headphones. “I’m happy to just be your best friend, or cool Uncle Buck, or whatever you need me to be. Really, Eddie, I don’t mind at all. I don’t want you to feel like you have to rush into this if you’re not ready.”

Eddie appreciates the sentiment, and he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t tempted to take the out. But he’s thought about it, and although coming out to them absolutely terrifies him, the thought of them finding out from someone other than him feels so much worse.

“No, I want them to know,” he says firmly, trying to reassure himself just as much as Buck. “You’re not going anywhere, so whether they like it or not, they’re gonna have to get used to it.”

“Okay,” Buck says with a smile. “Think of the bluebonnets and you’ll know, right?”

“Right,” Eddie agrees, nodding.

“It’s gonna be okay, Eds,” Buck promises, stroking Eddie’s hand softly with his thumb. “Even if it goes terribly, they’ll come around eventually. And in the meantime, you and me and Chris are gonna go see the bluebonnets together, and then we’re gonna go home, to the house that we’ve filled with love and safety and acceptance. No matter what happens today, they can’t take that away from you.”

Honestly, Eddie doesn’t think he could be any more in love with Buck if he tried.

He tells him as much, raising their joined hands to his lips to kiss Buck’s fingers, and revels in the way Buck blushes as he echoes the sentiment.

///

In the end, it all turns out much better than Eddie expected.

His parents share a look of surprise when he introduces Buck as his boyfriend, but from then on they don’t miss a beat, smiling at Buck and shaking his hand and telling him they’re so happy to meet him in a way that, as far as Eddie can tell, is completely genuine.

When he asks them point-blank if they’re okay with it — because if he’s wrong and their behavior is all just a charade or some inauthentic attempt to be polite, he’d rather just know — they tell him that they’ve made the mistake of not believing in him before, and they won’t do it again. That they’re sorry it’s taken them this long to get there, but they trust him to decide what’s best for Christopher as well as for himself. That they just want him to be happy, and it’s easy to see that he is with Buck.

After Eddie’s given them both a hug and wiped away a few tears, Buck asks if he can speak to them privately, and when they come back, the three of them are the best of friends, getting along like they’ve known each other for years. Eddie’s not surprised, necessarily — it’s impossible not to like Buck, after all — but he’s blown away by how easy the whole thing is.

All his life, with everything he’s ever done and every choice he’s ever made, he’s had to fight his parents tooth and nail. He’s had to defend himself at every turn and justify every decision, and it’s been exhausting. And now, finally, they’re giving him exactly what he’s always wanted.

Eddie feels lighter than he has in a long time a few hours later, when he’s standing in a field with Buck and Chris, surrounded by bluebonnets. It’s the same field he used to come to with his parents and his sisters, and it feels like coming full circle, somehow. Like after a lifetime of desperately gasping for air, he can finally just breathe.

“They really are beautiful,” Buck murmurs from beside him.

“Yeah,” Eddie agrees. “So are you.”

“You’re such a sap,” Buck teases, but he’s grinning.

“Whatever, you like it,” Eddie counters, nudging Buck with his elbow. “So, are you gonna tell me what you said to my parents earlier?”

“Oh, I was just asking for their blessing.”

Buck says it so casually, so nonchalantly, that it takes Eddie a minute to actually process the words.

“I…you what?” Eddie chokes out helplessly.

He turns to look at Buck and suddenly he’s down on one knee, holding a ring box, with Christopher standing next to him, smiling like he knows exactly what’s going on.

“I told them it meant a lot to me that they were so accepting of me, and I know they did it for you, not for me, but if there’s one thing in this world I can promise, it’s that they can count on me. You and Chris are everything to me, and I’d go to the ends of the earth to make you guys happy and keep you safe,” Buck says, smiling that soft, fond, just-for-Eddie smile that makes his heart soar every time. “I’ve never really felt like I belonged anywhere, and I thought I never would, but their son and their grandson proved me wrong. They gave me a family, and a home, and made sure I’ve never doubted my place in it.

“I know it may seem fast to them, but I’ve felt this way for years now — since the day I met you, honestly — and I know without a shadow of a doubt that you guys are it for me. I told them it’d be the honor of my life to take the Diaz name and officially be a part of this family, and that I’d ask you either way, but I’d love to have their support. And they said I should go for it, so here we are.”

Eddie’s speechless for a few long moments, immeasurably endeared by Buck and the fierce, unapologetic way he loves him and Chris. He hadn’t seen this coming at all, though he thinks maybe he should have; Buck’s just as sappy and sentimental as he is, and there couldn’t be a more perfect proposal spot for them.

“You went from offering to keep our relationship a secret from my parents to asking them for my hand in marriage over the span of 24 hours?” Eddie asks, eyebrows raised in amusement. It’s such a Buck thing to do; he can’t help but tease him about it just a little.

“Gotta be prepared for anything, right?” Buck says with a shrug, eyes twinkling. “So what do you say, Eds? Marry me?”

“Obviously, yes,” Eddie answers, grinning.

Buck gives Christopher a high five before he stands up and slips the ring onto Eddie’s finger, and then Chris is cheering and taking candid pictures of them as Buck kisses him, cupping Eddie’s face like he’s holding his entire world in his hands.

It’s Eddie’s favorite bluebonnet trip by far.

///

Before they fly back to California, Buck and Eddie get matching bluebonnet tattoos over their hearts to commemorate the occasion.

#i am genuinely terrified to post this lmao #writing is so nerve racking for me these days and i have absolutely zero faith in my abilities 😅 #so anyway just gonna drop this and then run back into retirement xoxo gossip girl #buddie #buddie fic #florenceandthemachine #sometimes i write