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m-kaykaybonbon · 7 years

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Dear me, Feel that today was interesting but I still quesion whether what I seek will contribute happiness. And why is it I want happiness and make that my goal? I guess I always was told that and so I grew to believe it navigated my heart and with that positivity was born and radiated, but if the heart is only happy do you not neglect thy soul?

God obviously has my best interests at heart, right? I mean I was raised to believe in that and if I question it I'm doomed to hell, so.. I was led to those guys so strongly yet I question if I'm ready for such adventure or if I ever will be.. now that I've chosen my path and fallen to my mistakes.. They attracted me because I knew in my heart they'd destroy my ideas and philosphies for myself and my life but at the contrast they'd also give me my wildest dreams, but why are those my dreams?

I yearn to travel because it's freedom but really I want the reward the healing will surely bring because my fear of dieing and not spending eternity w God leads me to believe blindly and faithfully.. I came here to write and clear my soul or heart and mind, and I'd hoped I would've found some answers as to where to go from here. My heart says it'll lead me to my destruction and through what otherwise at a different time would've brought me life.. I guess I crave my mom because she's like my guardian angel and I was taught in church I always needed that, I was taught to respect your mother and father and the guilt for having disobeyed that burns so feriously I'm tortued by it, maybe hell is to not let go..

Will I be happy acting and living now, I was promised and expected more, but what exactly is that you know.. I feel I would've been free, myself, true bold and lovely a red dress you know, completely becoming yet unraveling decedant and always there yet a complete original no matter it's normality.. Feel that's where my destiny calls, in the freedom of travelling and I guess I want to shape myself to my experirencies to better experience life. Like if I travel I'll become boundless and in that discover not my person but my soul, you know.. But I'm afraid to trust in people and substiute the um person of my independence and freedom for emotional or fincancial dependance because that seems caresless and reckless and I'm trying sub con to find balance in myself because that's what I need. Then again I think I'm too independent and that's what destroys me.. so completely.

I feel awkward when I force it socially, you know.. My voice or guide promised it would all go away if I followed it, but did it mean I'd have to work for it or is it leading me off my path because I'm choosing not to follow my inner guide and star.. It's leading me to what I don't want because I'm so fucking afraid that I'll be left with nothing because of my past I believe in God's promise but that blocks wisdom and kills my truth and authentic reality, you know.. Feel God's leading me but can I survive w out him? What is strength you know? Am I all wrong like what the hell.. Feel trapped in this world that only exists within myself and not out, is that really reality? I'm afraid to diss God because I fear his fear that it'll lead to distrust and I'll somehow lose the honesty that we've based our relationship so carefully on..

What if I am crazy I feel that's my driving force to lead a normal stability, to avoid my fear of insanity in myself and of facing my tramatic past. I feel my life is empty w out god and lacks purpose and for that reason I entrust in him, but that's no fair relation w him or with myself. I'm so sad I've treated myself like hell, it's pathetic and makes me question my self worth you know.. I question my self worth based on how terribly I treat myself and then that envokes stress and anger and I fuel fire to an already burning flame, and that gives me life until I become ash and I burn out instead of heathing or breathing the flames..

Will traveling really make me happy? Feel it'll likely destroy me before doing that you know.. Like Im chasing this dream but really its all an illusion and the devil calling but somehow he'd know I'd find god through my trial and error. Feel god led me away from the deception in my heart but I couldn't find it in myslef to change my route. That's weakness but in that is humanity and also my vitality and how I stay alive or prosper.. I feel I have to travel on my own to find myself, am I only finding my old path or am I following old feelings ment to die.. amd I living a lie?

Paradise, coldplay.. Maybe life I see it isn't real, maybe now I have to grow up within myself to live fully and fully experience my reality. Because I believe I'm looking for a dream within life and somewhere I know it's real or better than that, but first I must accept it isn't real in my philosophy or the full things I expect you know.. I feel I can live now or keep going and not follow my intuition, because maybe I'm meant to grow through my awkwardness and find myself in that way.. but that's a living lie, is everything I'm believing in a living lie? God told me he'd give me what I wanted but I wasn't clear of the clarity I first seeked in myself. I thought it'd be fun or laughter in a spirit and immersed inside of my body breaking through of what it's held in you know, like something spiritual and magical but more than that it was a feeling and knowing I'd experience the world in those feelings and the language of my body would fit more the language of my envirornment and everything would fall into place..

I guess I believed in him so much that I lost faith in myself, and that's impure aswell. I feel I've been stopping myself from following my heart less to heal and more to make myself forget all the revenge for others I had in my heart.. maybe I should've taken the risks.. Waisted time but be better known, but if you already know then..? I feel I'm barely starting to "know", I question whether it's insanity.. am I powerless to this or can I find redemption in my cowardess and weakness. I originally came here to get weed and maybe hook up w a girl, but now it's all so confusing you know..

I don't understand why I just couldn't try and kiss my roomate because I'd feel that would've had bad emotional consequences, or not emotionaly so much as spiritually or who I'm meant to be or fuck, I feel it wouldn't have been the right time and would've been all the other things I've done.. At this point I expect people to rat me out or throw me under the buss you know, I don't deserve less so, that's all. I almost wish for them to because then I'd be making a postive difference in their feelings, but.. everyone's such a stranger, I finally understand why you're good to get to know someone, maybe it's a universal law or atleast the laws within myself. Still feel pretty out of it or crazy like I cannot believe anything I'm being told or it's all imagination and I still cannot comprehnd reality but I'm learning there is no comprehension, you simply become aware..

Because then I'll truly never be able to trust people because that for me resembles commitment or that they'll never let me down, and that's hell or so I think.. I came to the beach to buy weed but what's the point of smoking it at my house or that house if I don't plan to return or am questiooning if I will.. Maybe plans aren;t meat to be enforced but more a guideline or an idea.. There's freedom within, there's freedom without. I feel my experiences are nothing if I'm not present or myself and that means completely open with others about my authenticity. but that's un true. It's weird because my feelings are the opposite of what I envision.. Or I can't place thought to my feelings you know.. It's confusing

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