the-beautiful-ones

[the-beautiful-ones]

Holy Mother! of god: a crazy arsed film review

I do have a confession to make and a story to tell regarding the aforementioned movie Mother! Starring the briliant Jennifer Lawrence (she cannot save this movie tho).

Spoiler Alert: Those that haven’t seen it - don’t - There are no spoilers as anything I mention will not have any bearing on the films narrative - because there isn’t one. I suggest the writers mislaid it somewhere but went ahead and shot the film anyway.

I digress…

What I’m about to tell you does lift the film into an altogether different level - other than the weirdisphere it currently orbits.

The story I tell is so unbelievable, so barmy, but I 100% shit you not - it is true. And I 100% guarantee what I’m about to tell you is better than the film. But then Eastenders (on a good week) is better so perhaps that isn’t a good comparison.

I do have a theory about the film now though. Maybe what happened on the night I watched the film comes as a bolt-on with the film when you buy it/watch it (given the stir crazy premise of the film this would not surprise me) and perhaps my story will be a new screenplay. Mother II: A Real Reason To Watch It.

None of this would surprise me. Not now. Not after this.

If you like a crazy real story do pls read on…

Opening credits - Boom:

It’s half past midnight - we’re about 1 hour into the film Mother! the missus hears weird noises at our front door - now given the movies context *spoiler not spoiler alert* (It’s at that moment in the film where everything is imploding - people are randomly entering their home - the army arrive and all kinds of wrong shit are going down) couple this - if you will - with the fact that at this point we are welcoming any excuse to stop the film - it therefore becomes a bittersweet moment. We stop the movie. Hurray! We hear shrill breathing noises coming through the letterbox and soft knocking noises on the front door - not so Hurray!

Bearing in mind (our minds)

Flashback: to give context -

About ten years ago - gone midnight - a young lad was being beaten on our doorstep - (same house same doorstep)and then this lad and some other much bigger dude break down my front door and begin fighting down my hallway and into my kitchen - (see Errol Flynn and Basil Rathbone but more contemporary and much less finesse) I get between them and somehow stop the bigger dude from battering the young fellow - after what seems a lifetime I manage to get the big dude to leave my house (along with his mate who also entered my house uninvited) - I still don’t know how I achieved this? The police arrive and escort the young fellow away - before we head off to bed we find a knife on our sideboard.

Maybe that’s the time you move house? No - not us.

Flash forward - back to the present

Noises continue from the porch…

I open the door…

There laid out wedged in our porch (3 ft wide) is a woman (60’s) well turned out - having breathing difficulties. My gut reaction given the previous experience is one of violence - I swear - a lot - and tell her in a horrible way to bugger off - she doesn’t move she doesn’t say anything she can’t breathe.

The door is wide open it’s minus 1 degrees - the film still on pause

For a split second i believe I’m also on pause I question my own sanity - Are we now in the film? I mean there’s 3D and 4K but what the actual fuck? Maybe weird stuff just happens when you view this movie? Is that the meaning of this film? Does this justify the complete waste of time and energy in making this monstrosity? I digress- again - I ring an ambulance. Scrap that - My better half rings an ambulance. I try to help this strange woman hardly breathing in my doorway - I can’t shut the door until a paramedic arrives - did I mention it’s minus 1 - I’m in a t-shirt and shorts. (Yeah I don’t know why either?)

12 minutes of chaos of us trying to help this woman whilst having instructions on ‘how to make this woman safe’ conveyed down the phone - via the missus who’s quite calm - me - losing my shit - the woman does not speak and is either unable (at this moment) or cannot speak in general. We don’t know why. We try in vain to continue to get her up - even tho we were advised otherwise by trained people - but instinct suggests that she is fine - just incapacitated at this time. Drink? Maybe. Drugs? Possibly. She’s around 60 so we rule the drugs out. Maybe she has prescribed drugs but hasn’t taken them - this seems likely. We can’t move her - it’s freezing cold.

At last the paramedic arrives - (he is very laid back - which for some reason worries me straightaway) we give him the update and he goes to work - he applies the usual stickers to monitor the woman’s stats. The woman miraculously comes to and attacks the paramedic pushing his equipment on the floor. He manages to restrain her. Her nails have scratched him. By this time I’ve had enough of this bullshit - my missus however remains calm and cajoles this nutball into our house (great work - I’m not thinking that - I’m thinking - get this nutball as far away from me and my family as possible)

Meanwhile my 14yr old daughter has heard the commotion from upstairs and is on the phone to my elder daughter (out clubbing somewhere) explains the situation - eldest daughter is now on her way home - she reassures the youngest that it’ll all will be okay.

This woman is now in my front room stroking our dog - my youngest and missus are reassuring her that she’ll be okay. I just want to strangle the woman. Film still on pause. Thank fuck. But I still cant help feeling it’s eerie impact on this night of events.

We get a phone number this wacko gives us. I ring it - surprise surprise nothing. The woman becomes calmer. Two further medics arrive as backup. They try to get something more from the woman - she begins to freak out again. I don’t care - they get her out of our house - at last. My eldest arrives home with boyfriend. They manage to get her into an ambulance. We all watch the action from the window. Something must’ve happened in the ambulance as two police cars then arrive-

*Note to film writers - people arriving randomly doesn’t happen - there is always a reason for happenings (Darren Aronofsky) - people don’t arrive uninvited unless they have motive. Unless you’re producing Art Wank!

Smash Cut To:

They get the woman -who has obviously attacked the other medics in the ambulance- into a car - The police don’t seem to be that astute. The woman gets in one door - and exits from the other (like something from a movie - a good movie - with some comedy thrown in). This drugged, drunken - unmedicated - sixty something - in high heels somehow outsmarts the cops and makes a run for it - she’s sixty - in high heels - they eventually realise (maybe they are distracted by discussing Mother! The movie and how arty it is) and they make chase - grab her - get her back in the car - lock the doors.

By this time the action is being coveyed to me as I’ve had more than enough of this incredible-but not good incredible-night I’m having. I believe my words are

I don’t care about the woman - I hope they lock her up so she wakes up on a freezing cold floor covered in puke.

I’m reprimanded by my entire family.

Everyone gets off to bed - it’s 3am!

I look at the tv screen paused on this weird movie and think - they missed an important word from the title…

Mother - Fucker!

DG

Twitter.com/CoveredInHair

[the-beautiful-ones]

The ShitHouse of Commons

My axe wiv them poliShitans

Yes we should be getting angry - yes we should be saying No Yes we should be taking action It’s a fucking muppet show.

It Ain’t no house it ain’t no home The agenda isn’t common they wonder why we moan

They ain’t so patriotic they’re speaking riddles - it’s robotic They put their members where their foot then goes They grunt and they grind us with their little piggy toes

Slaughter them -Yes We should be getting angry - yes we should be saying No Yes we should be taking action It’s a fucking muppet show.

Clear up or clear off - there has be some change From a fiver - you’re joking - the way we’re living ’s strange.

It’s stranger - there’s danger - I’m not alone - a Lone stRanger.

It’s going Daan the pan - if we listen to the man - reactalight reactivist gotta go in - full blown - iron fist.

Oh Yes, we should be getting angry - yes we should be saying No Yes we should be taking action It’s a fucking muppet show.

Rewind for a second let’s look at it straight - there’s not enough love and there’s far too much hate

Don’t dis your fellow woman or dis your fellow man Let us unite brothers and sisters - it’s the only way we can

Succeed - you’re joking - success is hard to judge. It’s a helping hand - or opportunity - we all need a little nudge.

From someone who cares who really gives a fuck - who can conjure the magic and produce a bit of luck.

We all need it - and crave it - we just want to survive To be happy and healthy in this crazy modern life.

So - Yes we should be getting angry - yes we should be saying No Yes we should be taking action It’s a fucking muppet show.

But Piggy ain’t no piggy and Kermit ain’t no frog We’re all just passive puppets consuming a shit hotdog

[the-beautiful-ones]

#rocknroll #sex drugs & rock and roll #britrock #music video #thewho #thelowriders #paulweller #kasabian

[the-beautiful-ones]

It's all about the bass. Mr Entwistle - the master.

#thewho #britrock #bass #bestliveband #sex drugs & rock and roll

[the-beautiful-ones]

Arguably the greatest live band to have ever walked the earth.

#thewho #britrock #roger daltrey #pete townshend #keith moon #john entwistle #mods #rockers

[the-beautiful-ones]

Dave G Front man

#rocknroll

[the-beautiful-ones]

Songwriter Frontman Guitarist - the best of British - Mr Paul Weller

[the-beautiful-ones]

Great review

@MuzicNotez: @TheLowriders self titled debut album #indie #rock #album http://t.co/slCIK7qWOe @LabelledIndyPod @HaileeMaeK @KristiRockz @JALMuzicNotez

[the-beautiful-ones]

The Drummer

Vital Timekeeper Engine Excentuator Illuminator Showman Bighitter Dynamic Keith Moon is arguably the best drummer there has ever been - he was a lead drummer - a complete show-orf - a one off. Traditionally he was not perhaps the best technically yet none have replicated his style. He was a very expressive drummer - expressing his anarchy through the kit. And eventually it became some kit. He had so many things to hit it was pretty impossible to miss. There are a few defining moments - one was when his pedal broke during the famous Isle of Wight gig in 1970 - how Townsend covered it and how the band produced such an organic and visceral recovery is beyond words. When he took too many elephant tranquillisers before a gig and collapsed several times throughout the set. The band had to grab an audience member to step in. His overall personae behind the kit. It was inspiring - still is. #lovemoontothemoonandbackagain

#keefmoon #showman #keith moon #the who #leaddrummer

[the-beautiful-ones]

[the-beautiful-ones]

The Guitarist

http://thelowriders.tumblr.com/post/120513133790/the-guitarist

[the-beautiful-ones]

The Guitarist

http://thelowriders.tumblr.com/post/120255866945/the-guitarist-dynamic-dirty-and-full-of

#jimi hendrix #petetownsend #joshhomme #noelgallagher #davegrohl #alexturner #mileskane #grahamcoxon #steviemarriot #paulweller

[the-beautiful-ones]

The Guitarist Dynamic - dirty - and full of classic riffs. The sex - drugs - and the Rock and roll. Hendrix epitomises the axe wielder - notice just the one stomp box (Vox wah) and the rest was left to improvisation with what he had, which, along with some natural talent (in abundance) made him one of the best of all time. Look at the right handed guitar adapted for the lefty. It wasn’t just about playing the bloody thing - in his case, it was performance art. And man did he have some dandy outfits. Some of the jackets were off the charts. The ladies, it seems, do like a guitarist. It might have something to do with where the axe hangs itself? I’m sure Jimi was fighting em off in his prime. Devastatingly the young genius joined the 27 club due to the lure of the Rock and roll ethos. Forever loved and missed. Sweet Jimi.

#jimi hendrix #sex drugs & rock and roll #guitarist #blues #the #sixties

[the-beautiful-ones]

Just one or two things that inspire us The gods and the kings of our world

#thewho #elvis presley #Ali #paulweller #pete #mod #rock #thelowriders

[the-beautiful-ones]

Blood In My Head

[the-beautiful-ones]

[the-beautiful-ones]

Book 1 page 1 The Front Man #Roger Daltry #The Who Make sure you have something distinctive about you. Voice is key but It also helps if you're chiselled - but not full of muscles - have great hair (style) - wear something different (you're the front man so choose carefully) - like Rog - stitch some shammy leathers together - boom! And don't just fucking stand there like a wet weekend in Bournemouth - fucking give it some. Make them believe you're the only thing that is living and worth watching. @thelowriders @diaryofarealrockandroller

#the who