thepenguinlizzy

[thepenguinlizzy]

Is it just me, or did we used to have normal-smelling shampoos before? Everything was strawberry, and peppermint, and citrus. Nice, normal things.

Now I pick a bottle up and it’s like DEW GATHERED BY MONKS FROM THE HIMALAYA MOUNTAINS MIXED WITH A ROOT OF AN ASNCLSCHBK PLANT THAT GROWS ONLY IN AN OBSCURE VILLAGE IN AMAZONIA, WITH A DASH OF MAGICAL BERRIES FROM NARNIA TO GIVE YOUR HAIR VOLUME.

AND IT STILL SMELLS LIKE CITRUS TO ME.

[thepenguinlizzy]

My mom’s dating a doctor and she never refers to him by his name instead she’s just like “I’m going to dinner with the Doctor” and I always just

[thepenguinlizzy]

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Sainsbury’s. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Sainsbury’s…

Dear Mrs. Harris, Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are “documented by our video surveillance cameras”: 1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking. 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5- minute intervals. 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom. 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of Maltesers. 6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION - WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area. 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged. 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’

Emergency Medics were called. 9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 10. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ’ Mission Impossible’ theme. 11. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels. 12. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’ 13. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’ 14. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was. And last, but not least: 15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’

One of the Staff passed out.

[thepenguinlizzy]

[thepenguinlizzy]

many a teenage girl sat there paralyzed with the most difficult question they have ever faced

[thepenguinlizzy]

[thepenguinlizzy]

[thepenguinlizzy]

Merthur Moments || “Merlin, there aren’t many servents who get the chance to write a prince’s speech.”

[thepenguinlizzy]

started from the bottom and i am currently still at the bottom

[thepenguinlizzy]

A kid was walking around school wearing this today and didn’t receive a single comment from administration.

Meanwhile, I was pulled over twice by them to mention how “incredibly short” my bottoms were.

Last time I checked, my shorts don’t reference blowjobs.

Quit sexualizing things that aren’t meant to be suggestive.

[thepenguinlizzy]

Casually eats entire bag of Reese's cups

[thepenguinlizzy]

Me: I've been having a bad week

Me: Let's watch Seabiscuit

*18 minutes in*

Me: Oh god why did i do this!!! *sobs* *continues to watch movie*

#like seriously #seabiscuit #i need chocolate

[thepenguinlizzy]

Americans: YOU CAN'T SAY SWEAR WORDS ON TELEVISION OH MY GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

meanwhile in Norway: welcome to the fucking news

meanwhile in the UK: dick dick balls sex gay tea GAAAAYY I'm taking off my pants on live tv this is family tv!!!

[thepenguinlizzy]

the “you wouldnt download a pizza” campaign is the worst way to convince people not to steal music of course i would download a pizza do u know who i am

[thepenguinlizzy]

Something to read whenever you feel bad about yourself

[thepenguinlizzy]

“THAT FACE TOUCHING THING WE DO”

[thepenguinlizzy]

OK FOR PEOPLE UNAWARE OF WHATS GOING ON RIGHT NOW THE BOMBER IS GOING ON A RAMPAGE ALL OVER BOSTON SHOOTING PEOPLE AND PLACING BOMBS EVERYWHERE AND THE WHOLE CITY IS ON LOCKDOWN

ONE SUSPECT IS DEAD AND NOW ITS ONLY THE MAN IN THE WHITE CAP PLEASE IF YOU LIVE NEAR WATERTOWN OR ANYWHERE NEAR THERE DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOUSE