therapy-talk

[therapy-talk]

I'm sad and lost and I don't know how to fix it.

Realized I don't wanna go further into academia but it's the only thing I know how to do. And I might know that I don't want this, but I don't know what I want to do either.

And it feels incredibly alone. I'm overwhelmed. I'm tired. I'm spending too much time in bed again and tired all the time and I don't know how to stop the spiral.

I want a hug and I won't get it until Saturday. I find it hard to reconcile with his need for alone time. I know that makes me selfish and a hypocrite.

I'm sad so sad. Spent my birthday alone, which was fine, but half of my friends didn't send me any message which just. Apparently I'm not that important then. One friend forgot and sent me a message a day later, which feels a little better, I just I hoped people would notice, well, me? My existence?

And I know I sound whiny! I know this. Sometimes I just feel a little locked up here up north, trainrides away from my non-uni friends and my partner and any family. And with everyone having their shit sort-of together I feel like a small child.

#okay time to sleep that's enough whiny stuff #things just. they suck and I don't know how I will make it better #therapy talks

[therapy-talk]

No sleep!

#no coping either. ptsd is a fucking riiiiiide i thought I was more well adapted by now #therapy talks

[therapy-talk]

So sad so in need of a hug. Everything feels off and shit and SHIT. I really really need a hug so I hope he sleeps well and lets me come by tomorrow. I hate long distance. I am still angry but I need a hug from him and I need to talk it through. And if I can only come on saturday.. idk. I'll have to leave on monday. Feels like blackmail to say that now. Just. Might be going over my own boundaries if I go for 2 days and that's not good, but I don't think I can wait another week.

This sucks this sucks we can normally keep this healthy I just. I need support, and I'm not getting it, and I'm normally very good at letting him have his own thing but I just. Idk.

#i'm gonna cry again. I'll know tomorrow if I can get on a train and I don't know what I'll do if he says he wants to wait until saturday #i might just tell him I'll stay at home for the weekend and work on my presentation #ask to call or something #but that'll make me feel like shit because I won't get a hug #therapy talks

[therapy-talk]

I feel STUPID and sad and triggered and alone.

Had to watch a film in class today, which had 2 scenes that triggered the hell out of me and made me blank out for the rest of the class. And then I went home and took a 3 hour nap, and then I thought I felt a bit better. The boyfriend asked how my day was so I told him, but also that I was feeling a bit better after a nap. Which, all good!

He offered to talk a bit more about it but at the time I was like "it's fine I feel a bit better."

And then, an hour or so later, I didn't. So I asked what he was doing and if we maybe could call for a bit. But he didn't want me to see the preparations for a party game he's hosting this saturday and he needed me-time, so he declined.

Which: fair! Totally fair! And I could have told him I changed my mind and wanted to talk a bit about the shitty stupid fucking scene. But I don't wanna overstep when he needs alone-time, especially when he's learning to take more time for himself.

Just... he offered to talk. And then he doesn't want to talk. And I'm here fucking crying my eyes out the entire afternoon and evening and I can't put it anywhere. I can't put it down. And it sucks and it feels like I'm 10 years old again, terrified on the stairs of my childhood home, with my mom yelling at me that she's gonna kill me in the most explicit way possible. And I'm 10 years old and I don't know what to do, and I feel so alone, and I'm always gonna be that little girl at least a little bit.

I'm so tired. So fucking tired. I've been that 10 year old for over 10 years and it's never gonna fucking stop.

#therapy talks #i feel like shit and I wanna be angry at him but I know that's not fair #but I still am. I am and I am and I'm hurting. so bad.

[therapy-talk]

Also I'm graduating babeyyyyyyy! Sooooo happy with my final grades that's degree 2 out of 3 done!

#therapy talks

[therapy-talk]

Tipsy on the train had 3 or 4 glasses of rosé, spend an afternoon talking to people I don't know and see once a year at this bday party, glad to be going back to my boyfriend, I'm soooooo mushy and in love the world is good mostly in my corner atm I'm tiiiired my social battery is drained there's a party all day tomorrow I'm looking forward to monday going to a show.

#i feel. happy? i don't mind feeling awkward around people I don't know anymore which is great. I don't owe them anything! #i am loved and I love and if people don't like my awkward self then fuck them. fuck it. been too long letting others influence my mood #+ behavior #tired and over it. either like me for my awkward self or get out idv #idc* #wishhhh wish I could feel this way all the time but rn? this is good I feel good #therapy talks

[therapy-talk]

I feel so much. I feel so much so much love and adoration and happiness and happiness and happiness.

I could look into his eyes forever. I go home and I miss him. And it's not in an "I can't live or be without you for even a moment," because that's bullshit. There are a lot of things and people I love and I really like being alone and doing my own thing. It's just that whenever I see him his face lights up and I can't stop smiling so hard my jaws hurt and butterflies are real and I want to be in his arms forever.

And forever is long and I don't want to get ahead of ourselves and we're not rushing anything. I don't want to and he doesn't want to. And if at any point it doesn't work, or we don't feel like this about each other, we'll let each other go, and that'll be fine. But it does sound very nice, forever. I feel so loved. I'm so full of love. And it's stupid stupid stupid but it's so all-encompassing.

#therapy talks #and I feel so vulnerable but it feels so good to be able to fully be myself with him and trust someone so completely #wanna give him space and see him grow as a person and vice versa oh my god I'm so fucking in love

[therapy-talk]

Feeling stupidly frustrated and whiny but I just need cuddle time and things keep getting put in front of that

#therapy talks #sigh i'm a little angry stop walking away! #the entire day! #and now we're too tired and need to sleep. and I leave tomorrow. get me quality time. now.

[therapy-talk]

Aah yeah hello anxiety disorder welcome I did not miss you

#worrying about stuff I can't control and should not worry about and jumping to worst case scenarios. #stooooppppp i just need sleep #therapy talks

[therapy-talk]

Went to sleep at 10 pm, woke up at 2, woke up again at 4, dozed off a little but did not fall asleep again, and just burst into tears and had a crying fit for the last hour for no fucking reason. What is happening.

#this sucks i need to sleep it's 6 am and my alarm goes at 9 and i need to do thesis writitng today bc the deadline is this wednesday #like full on sobbing shaking uncontrollably for no fucking reason! #i'm not even sad this week i'm in a good mood but this is the second time this week i've woken myself up by crying #therapy talks

[therapy-talk]

Stressssssssss midterm stress is upon us

I just have one deadline (tomorrow) (3600-4400 words) (I have about 700 at the moment)

I have no motivation to write. This course is so dense in its approach and subject it takes a lot to wrap my head around. And the idea I have is also just a muddled pile of vague concepts and connections. Idk.

Like it'll be fine. The good thing is I can spend quite some words summarizing the article, and then connect it to others. Just. 4000 words. My god.

#therapy talks #decided an extra masters degree would be a good idea. why again?

[therapy-talk]

Would recommend going to tons of shows and having a blast. You might even come out of it with a boyfriend.

Went to a show sunday, got talking with a guy, kept making eye contact in the pit, he asked for my number, we might be going on a date

#i am STUPID IN LOVE. like oh this is it #i want him to be weird and i want to hear about his day and my heart skips when i see him or get a message #i am stupidly grinning at my phone. #therapy talks

[therapy-talk]

👀 well. He. I like him.

#therapy talks #getting back to my dad in half an hour is gonna be embarrassing but yesterday was very nice

[therapy-talk]

Oh wait people were right when they were like "when you like someone the world feels light"

Went to a show sunday, got talking with a guy, kept making eye contact in the pit, he asked for my number, we might be going on a date

#this is weeiiiiird like okay infatuation butterflies are REAL he's fun our date turned out to be 10 hours long we're planning a 2nd one #therapy talks #i am just. bad at flirting or texting in general lol but that's fine #like i tend to not let people in or feel like i'm pushy and end up not initiating anything. but i'll be nindful of that ughh ok i like him!

[therapy-talk]

Went to a show sunday, got talking with a guy, kept making eye contact in the pit, he asked for my number, we might be going on a date

#there's.. a slight age gap. but he's pretty fun so far so we'll see where this goes? #what is life actually #therapy talks #ALSO got randomly asked on a coffee date after tuesday's pubquiz literally what's in the water

[therapy-talk]

trauma doesn’t often feel like trauma is ‘supposed’ to feel. it feels like indifferent detachment, watching from outside yourself because nothing can hurt you there. it feels normal, just how people interact, so why are you making a big deal about it?  it feels like a joke – just how kids play, just how adults tease, just how some relationships work.

you wake from nightmares five years later and still wonder if you made it all up.

trauma can look like bad behaviour. like the stubborn refusal to get better, to stop self-destructing. trauma is putting yourself in harm’s way because you don’t really mean it, or because it’s funny, or because you just want to feel something, or because you just want to stop feeling. it’s wanting to destroy and reassemble yourself into another person entirely, so your real life can begin. because this isn’t real. because really bad things don’t happen to people like you.

trauma is the constant feeling of being an impostor. it’s the drive to survive twinned with the impulse to make yourself more sick in more ways. to hurt yourself to prove how bad you feel, or to punish yourself for exaggerating. you want people to believe what you’ve been through, to tell you your feelings are real, that your memories really happened. but when people do take you seriously, you play it off as a joke, apologize for bringing the mood down.

you go on and on about how it wasn’t that bad. you seek permission to still love the ones who hurt you, because it’s the people closest to us who can hurt us most deeply.

you can feel like the people who hurt you are the only ones who really knew you. in low self esteem, you can mistake cruelty for honesty.

there will always be people who have been through worse. that doesn’t make what happened to you okay.

there will always be people who don’t believe you. that doesn’t mean you are lying.

at some point, you have to take yourself seriously. you have to make a life you can stand to live. it’s the only way to survive.

#and it feels like melodramatic to be like 'yes this!' #but uh. yes this!

[therapy-talk]

Spent €45 at my GP today to have to tell not even my own doctor what kind of illnesses and medications I have and use for them to go to the gov like "yeah she can drive" or whatever. And then I have to hope they won't be like "instead of 10 yrs your licence will be valid for 5 yrs before you have to do this again"

Like 1) doesn't the practice have like my dossier? Why am I paying 45 euros to tell a random doctor "I have [this], I've had therapy, I don't have any symptoms or meds for that that interfere with my driving ability" for them to type that up and send it. Like. I hate bureaucracy!

#therapy talks #like my guy you should have this info in your files as well why am I even here