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thisishowyouletgoandfindyou-blog · 7 years

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http://www.huffingtonpost.com/arianna-huffington/six-of-my-favorite-quotes_b_5303067.htmlTHE BLOG 05/10/2014 09:13 pm ET Updated Jul 10, 2014Six of My Favorite Quotes From Thrive

By Arianna Huffington

“True understanding is to see the events of life in this way: “You are here for my benefit, though rumor paints you otherwise.” And everything is turned to one’s advantage when he greets a situation like this: You are the very thing I was looking for. Truly whatever arises in life is the right material to bring about your growth and the growth of those around you. This, in a word, is art — and this art called “life” is a practice suitable to both men and gods. Everything contains some special purpose and a hidden blessing; what then could be strange or arduous when all of life is here to greet you like an old and faithful friend?

~ Marcus Aurelius

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Live life as if everything is rigged in your favor.

~ Rumi

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“And every day, the world will drag you by the hand, yelling, ‘This is important! And this is important! And this is important! You need to worry about this! And this! And this!’”

And each day, it’s up to you to yank your hand back, put it on your heart and say, “No. This is what’s important.’”

~ Iain Thomas

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“There were many terrible things in my life, but most of them never happened.”

~ Montaigne

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“An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. ‘A fight is going on inside me,’ he said to the boy. ‘It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil — he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.’

He continued, ‘The other is good — he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you — and inside every other person, too.’

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, ‘Which wolf will win?’ The old Cherokee simply replied, ‘The one you feed.’”

~ Cherokee legend

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“Men go forth to wonder at the heights of mountains, the extent of the oceans, and the courses of the stars, and omit to wonder at themselves.”

~ St. Augustine

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/arianna-huffington/six-of-my-favorite-quotes_b_5303067.html

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thisishowyouletgoandfindyou-blog · 7 years

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Please Don’t Stay. {Poem}

Via Nyki Stump

on May 3, 2016

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Please don’t stay because someday he will become the man you thoughthim to be.

Please don’t stay because he is a decent man and respected by others. Please don’t stay because you see the potential—for happiness, for connection, for true intimacy, the potential of a best friend. Please don’t stay because he sometimes shows up as the kind, compassionate man you fell in love with. Please don’t stay because he tells you that what he gives you is good enough for any woman. Please don’t stay because he puts other’s needs before his own. Please don’t stay because he’s steady, he pays the bills or isn’t a drunk. Please don’t stay because while he may have cheated on you once, he says he is here, with you. Please don’t stay because you think the lies are only there to protect you.

Please don’t stay because you believe him.

Please don’t stay because he says he is trying, even though you see no difference in how he shows up. Please don’t stay because you know that if you can only fix you, things will be better. Please don’t stay because he still says you’re sexy and wants to make love to you, even though that is the only time he connects with you. Please don’t stay because maybe, just maybe he will come home happy, happy to see you, happy to see your children, happy to be alive. Please don’t stay because you have stayed for so long, you don’t know where else to go. Please don’t stay because you have children; children learn what they see.

Please don’t stay because you are afraid to be alone.

Please don’t stay because you see loyalty—if it’s not loyalty to you, there is no loyalty. Please don’t stay because you don’t know any other way to be—his wife, their mother, but no identity of your own. Please don’t stay because leaving means change and change is scary. Please don’t stay because you believe that if you screw this up, you’ll never find love. Please don’t stay because you are worried about what other people think. Please don’t stay because you are certain that you are not worthy—of the bit of love he gives you, or of love from anyone else. Please don’t stay because you think no one else would have you, with your matching set of baggage, your eccentricities, your fierce loyalties to your beliefs. Please don’t stay because you’ve never lived alone, you’ve never taken care of a family without a backup plan, you’ve never had a choice on where to live or who to be. Please don’t stay because you are terrified—that you will always be alone, that you will die alone, that you betrayed your marriage vows. Please don’t stay because you need someone to complete you.

Please don’t stay because you don’t know who you are.

Stay if how he shows up in your life today is enough, enough to satisfy you, enough to make you happy, enough.

Stay if he’s decent, kind and respected by you. Stay if he is your best friend, your teammate and always has your back. Stay if he puts in the effort to understand, relate, connect and is willing to work through the tough stuff with you. Stay if he respects what you want, makes an effort to understand you and believes you are an exceptional woman with exceptional needs. Stay if he puts his own needs first; he can only give to you and others if he has taken care of himself first. Stay if his steadiness is about your relationship, if he pays the bills because you have agreed on that arrangement, if he is the best version of himself. Stay if he’s faithful, doesn’t betray you in his heart, his mind or his body. Stay if he’s honest—about his feelings, about who he is and tells you the truth, even if it hurts.

Stay if you believe him.

Stay if he says he is trying, that he shows up and makes an effort—not perfection—but a genuine effort. Stay if you both can accept who you are, no fixing necessary. Stay if your lovemaking is part of your connected, intimate relationship together. Stay if you understand he may not always be happy, but that he loves you and your family and is willing to work on being happy, for all of your sakes. Stay if you have been there so long, you feel like you are home. Stay if your children are learning from you that relationships are work, that everyone puts in 100 percent effort, that we are wired for struggle, that there is no perfection. Stay if you know you can be alone, you are whole, you don’t depend on him for your happiness. Stay if he is loyal to you, loyal to your relationship, loyal to your family. Stay if you are growing who you are: his wife, their mother, yourself. Stay if you understand that the only thing constant is change. Stay if you know that the love you have starts with you loving yourself. Stay if staying is what you want, what he wants.

Stay if your worth is not dependent on anyone else seeing it.

Betterhelp has has affordable licensed therapists you can chat with now.

Stay if he loves you, and not despite your matching set of baggage, your eccentricities, your fierce loyalties to your beliefs, but because of them. Stay if you can be who you are, if your voice matters, if your choices are considered, if being alone means being with you. Stay if you realize the first breath we take, we are alone and the last breath we take, we are alone. Stay if you are complete all on your own and he is frosting. Stay if you know who you are, you know your worth and you value yourself.

Stay.

Author: Nyki Stump

Editor: Cat Beekmans

Image: Stephanie Overton/Flickr

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thisishowyouletgoandfindyou-blog · 7 years

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Laura Mazza - Mum on the Run

August 20 at 2:59am

To the man whose wife or partner has anxiety,

You might have heard that she has anxiety from sitting by her side in a doctors office, holding her hands while the tears steam down her face. You might have seen her get angry and explode because she's overwhelmed. Wondering where this rage has come from. You might have seen her sit quietly staring into the distance with a panic in her eye.

You might have guessed, or she might have told you, but either way there are things you should know.

Anxiety isn't a one size fits all, it isn't consistent and it isn't always easy to tell. You might think she's just snapped at you, but it was anxiety that did it, you might think she's angry, but it's the anxiety that's got a choke hold, you might think she's not enjoying herself when you go out and it's your fault, but it's not. It's anxiety.

You know how she can't understand when she asks you what are you thinking, why you would respond with "nothing"... it's because she never thinks nothing. Her thoughts replay like a freight train in her head full steam ahead, over and over. It's exhausting for her. It's why she's tired.

There isn't a day that goes by where she doesn't think. She thinks about everything, and usually it is the worst case scenario. She worries that something will go wrong. That some days if she leaves the house, something will happen. Kidnapping, deaths, falls, cars spinning out of control, that's why she can't just leave the house or just go out, even though you've suggested it with good intentions. But it's not so easy. That's why when she's home alone or out by herself she will text you a million times, telling you her every move or telling you everything that's going wrong, she knows you can't change anything, she knows you feel helpless, but so does she, that's why she needs to share it with you, otherwise her head will explode with panic.

Sometimes she wonders why you're with her, and if you knew she had anxiety would you still be there, do you regret it? Being with her? Do you wish you were with someone else that didn't have this vice around their neck?

I want you to know I see that this is tough on you, tough to see your loved one hurt, tough on you, the pressure for you would be immense. But don't think for a second she doesn't see you, don't think for a second she doesn't worry about you too. she even gets anxiety about you. She knows it's not your fault, and she knows you want to fix her and in the way that means you help her, but you can't fix her. She's not broken.

But you can help her, you can loosen the vice. You can see what gets too much for her, the crowds of people or bed time, dinner time, see it and help her by holding her hand and tell her you're with her. Do it with her, take over, tell her to sit down for a while and breathe. If you see her struggling with appointments, reschedule them for her, encourage her to take it slowly. Too much is overwhelming for her, even though she has good intentions. Don't make her feel bad for missing an appointment, a party, whatever. She wanted to go, but she couldn't. She already feels bad. Tells her it's okay. Take the kids out for a play when you see her struggling, encourage her to take time out for herself. If the kids are awake all night and she's worse if she has less sleep, get up with her, take over. Tell her to go back to bed.

Sometimes the answer won't be so obvious. Sometimes she won't even know the answer is to what she needs, but so long as your patient with her, she will feel your love. She or you won't benefit if you get frustrated, it'll just escalate and make both of you miserable. She doesn't want her anxiety to define your relationship and when you are patient, you're telling her you're willing to do the same.

Anxiety is heartbreaking for her. Really it is. She wishes she could just feel free. The free feeling of just being carefree and not a prisoner to this ugly illness. Free of the voice that follows her listing all her insecurities.

Not every day will be bad, and those days should be celebrated, but on the bad days, still celebrate her, because she needs it.

She appreciates you, she loves you. She's vulnerable and scared. But she chose you to share her biggest deepest scar tissue that resides in her heart, and she knew the day she met you that you were the one worthy enough to see her in all her imperfections. She will love you with that whole heart, and you know she will because she's already listed the pros and cons 😉... and just as you are by her side she will be fiercely loyal to yours. Forever and ever, you just to need take her hand and tell her, "I am with you"

Love,

A wife, a woman and a mumma who has anxiety.

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thisishowyouletgoandfindyou-blog · 7 years

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1. I'll give you time and I'll be here when you're ready. I promise. 2. I'm beginning to understand how loud silence can be. Forgive me for not standing still enough to hear yours. I'm listening. 3. I can't begin to imagine what you're going through, but know that I'm here for you. 4. I'm so glad you're here. 5. You matter. 6. I know this is hard, but I will not give up on you. 7. No matter how dark your days get, I'll be here for you. I'm just a phone call or text away. 8. Don't let the darkness steal the beautiful person you have inside. 9. You are enough. 10. If you want to talk about how you're feeling, I'll listen. 11. Is there anything I can do? 12. This isn't your first or last dark time. I know you can get through this one. 13. I'll be there to hug you when the sun comes up. 14. I can't even pretend to know what you're going through, but you aren't alone and you are cared for. 15. You are never a burden. 16. Wanted to remind you that you are loved. I know things are hard right now, and that's OK. You don't have to do this alone. 17. I'm not going anywhere. 18. Remember who you were before the darkness stole your light. 19. You will NOT let these bad thoughts win. 20. Your success rate of surviving days like these so far is 100%. Based on your track record, you've got this. 21. You are important in my life. 22. Do what you can do right now, and no more than that. That's all the universe expects of you. 23. You make my life better just by being in it. 24. You are not a disappointment. 25. I will always have your back.

https://themighty.com/2016/02/texts-to-send-someone-with-depression/

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thisishowyouletgoandfindyou-blog · 7 years

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Depression

COMMUNITY STORIES

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What Happened When I Started Telling People About My DepressionBy

Kelsey Rozak

I write about

Depression

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10September 9, 2016

Talking about the darkness that lives inside me hasn’t always been easy. It took years for me to tell anyone other than my parents. When I was first diagnosed with depression, I felt so alone. I was surrounded by people who didn’t understand what went on in my head every day, and it was a difficult thing to explain to someone who hasn’t experienced it.

Looking at me and my life from the outside, you’d never know. I work hard to slap a smile on my face every morning. It’s never easy, but it’s necessary. I greet everyone I pass with that same smile and a “hello” hoping to make their day better than it was before. It reassures me I’m still needed on this Earth. I try to be as upbeat and as chipper as possible, even though I know it will completely and totally exhaust me for the rest of the day.

From the inside, you’d see the darkness that dwells in my soul. You’d see the hurt that creeps into my heart and shatters it into a million pieces. You’d see all the tears I hold back on beautiful, sunny days as I lay in bed, too exhausted and sad to greet the world. You’d see the terrible things I think about myself held behind my tongue and bouncing around my brain fighting to escape my lips.

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One day, I decided to let the light in. No one would ever choose to live in darkness. I started telling people who were close to me about my diagnosis. I then talked with extended family members, classmates and coworkers. A funny thing happened once I started to share my story. I found out I wasn’t as alone as I thought I was. I heard the phrase, “Me too,” come out of many people’s mouth. I found out that I wasn’t the only one who struggled.

It is an incredible feeling to know there are people just like you in a world. We cried together about the bad days and celebrated the little victories we accomplished.

When it all comes down to it, I share my story for two reasons. The first one is for awareness. Mental health needs to become a priority in our country. We cannot be afraid to talk because with more awareness comes more support. With more support comes more programs and professionals who can really help people in need or in crisis.

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I also share my story to shine my light for others. For the people who can’t navigate the high seas of sadness, I am the lighthouse. For people who can’t find their way through the depths of depression, I am a flashlight. I shine the way because others have shined the way for me. We cannot be afraid of this light. You must shine it for others to guide them through this confusing and terrifying journey. It is a beacon of hope on cloudy days and a sign that we are never alone. Collectively, we will bring light to this condition and make sure no one is afraid of the dark ever again.

Image via Thinkstock

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thisishowyouletgoandfindyou-blog · 7 years

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What Are Emotional Triggers + Why You Need To Understand Them

Margaret Paul

April 17, 2015 5:24 AM

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We all have emotional triggers. You know the feeling when someone makes a jokingly-mean comment that might not be a huge deal to another person, but totally destabilizes you for the rest of the day? You feel this way any time someone expresses any disapproval of you. Suddenly, you find yourself feeling off center and thrust into a bout of anxiety, depression, guilt or shame.

Sound familiar?

It can be challenging to identify what exactly our triggers are, but this process of getting to know and understand them can help us heal, and learn how to cope better in response.

But why do we all have triggers? In short, because we were all children once. When we were growing up, we inevitably experienced pain or suffering that we could not acknowledge and/or deal with sufficiently at the time. So as adults, we typically become triggered by experiences that are reminiscent of these old painful feelings. As a result, we typically turn to a habitual or addictive way of trying to manage the painful feelings.

So what are your triggers? What do you do to manage the painful feelings that are triggered? Do you face your triggers head-on or attempt to avoid the pain? Here are a couple of examples that might help you to discover your own triggers ...

Maddie was raised by absent parents. Her father traveled frequently, and her mother was emotionally unavailable. She was left alone a lot even as a toddler, and when her sister was born two years later, Maddie was put in charge of her. By age five, Maddie was not only in charge of making meals for herself, but also her sister and their younger brother. She essentially raised herself.

Today, Maddie is a very competent physician, but she gets painfully triggered when someone she cares about isn't available. When she calls her daughter at college and her daughter doesn't return the call, Maddie gets upset and sometimes even begins to blame her husband for her pain (even though it has nothing to do with him).

Until Maddie began her work with me, she didn't realize that "unavailability" is her trigger, and that she most often tries to avoid her old pain by blaming her husband. But now that she is aware of the trauma from her childhood neglect, Maddie is learning to compassionately attend to her inner child in order to heal.

My trigger used to be anyone's anger or disapproval. My mother was a rage-aholic, and both my parents were highly critical. For many years, when someone got angry at me or disapproved of me, I would do anything to avoid feeling the loneliness and pain of their unloving behavior toward me. I felt lonely and helpless a lot as a child so feeling any degree of loneliness and/or helplessness as an adult was a huge trigger for me. By learning to be very kind to my anxious inner child, I eventually healed this trigger.

Do any of these situations trigger you? Identifying your triggers is the first step to healing from them.

Someone rejecting you.

Someone leaving you (or the threat that they will).

Helplessness over painful situations.

Someone discounting or ignoring you.

Someone being unavailable to you.

Someone giving you a disapproving look.

Someone blaming or shaming you.

Someone being judgmental or critical of you.

Someone being too busy to make time for you.

Someone not appearing to be happy to see you.

Someone coming on to you sexually in a needy way.

Someone trying to control you.

Someone being needy, or trying to smother you.

Once you know your triggers, you can consider the origins of them. If you identify with any of these, ask yourself what they might relate to from your childhood experiences. Only you can heal your triggers, so take a little time to go inside and make sure to be patient, kind and compassionate.

As I showed with Maddie's situation, it's typical to avoid our triggers when we are unaware of them. Do any of these avoidance techniques relate to you?

I get angry.

I get needy.

I comply. I become a people-pleaser.

I shutdown and withdraw from the other person.

I blame someone else for my pain.

I turn to an addiction – food, drugs, alcohol, sex, porn, shopping, work gambling and so on.

If you do relate to any of these responses, how do you feel about them? You'll probably realize that the pain doesn't go away just because you try to avoid it, and you may even end up in more pain. I encourage you to be very honest with yourself about your triggers. Even if this approach feels harsh initially, it will help you learn to be very compassionate with yourself. This honesty about your triggers what will eventually heal them.

Begin to learn how to take loving care of yourself with our free Inner Bonding course.

Photo Credit: Stocksy

KEEP READING:

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Margaret Paul

Margaret Paul, Ph.D., is a best-selling author, relationship expert, and Inner Bonding® facilitator. She has counseled individuals and couples since 1968. She is the author/co-author of eight books, including the internationally best-selling Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by You?, Healing Your Aloneness, Inner Bonding, and…

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thisishowyouletgoandfindyou-blog · 7 years

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gey Spirituality

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The Best Thing We can do When our Hearts are Shattered.

Via

Lindsay Carricarte

on Dec 26, 2015

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So this is what it feels like to be shattered by the one we loved.

It hurts so badly I feel like I can’t breathe. But I must.

At the very least, I must draw breath. Our breath is life and it is healing.

Right now, the pain is almost debilitating. I am frozen with it.

*Dear elephant reader: if you're single & looking for mindful dating or conscious love, try out our lovely partner, MeetMindful.

It hurts to think, to breathe, to move, to plan, to dream, to hope.

And then I go back to numb. I guess that’s part of the defense mechanism of detachment kicking in.

Maybe it’s shock.

God knows, I am no expert. For the first time in life I have uncovered real love within myself, thus allowing me to truly love others. The only thing with love is that it puts us in a vulnerable place. We are open to being hurt by those we love.

It’s a risk we must take if we want love in our lives.

The only thing to help this feeling at the moment is to just breathe into it. This is where we can find that true nature Pema Chödrön speaks of—our bodhichitta.

Dear Elephant Reader - Do you need someone to talk to? Try an affordable Betterhelp licensed therapist.

I’ve been in pain before, physically, mentally, and emotionally, but not like this. That other pain I speak of was of my own making—and it has nothing on this pain I feel now. I was used to that other pain, it was familiar.

It was my comfort zone. I knew it well. This, though—this is something different entirely.

This is the emotional equivalent to the physical pain I felt that time I had to get my bone marrow removed so they could stage my cancer. They drilled into my pelvic hip bone while I was awake and sucked out some marrow. I felt it, like a corkscrew going into a rock, that’s how it felt. I remember that day, trying to breathe through it—the one other time in my life it hurt so bad I almost couldn’t breathe.

It was one of the few times in my life I screamed out from physical agony.

This pain, this is like that. I don’t know how else to describe it.

Agony.

Betrayal.

Disappointment.

Crushed.

Hopeless.

Suffocating.

I almost can’t breathe. That’s just my mind though, saying that. My mind wants to shut down and run from it. Instead, this is where we can incorporate all that yoga practice into our lives off the mat, and we can breathe into that vulnerability. There we can find the freedom.

The habits of my practice are kicking in and I am bringing myself back to my breath.

And to think it came from words. Words have real power to wound, don’t they. It’s funny though, after a certain point of breaking, the words lose their power too. It just becomes like the sound of the adults in a Charlie Brown movie to me. There’s noise but I can no longer hear anything beyond a buzz. I have detached from the words so they can no longer cut so deeply.

I can’t help but wonder if I am broken beyond repair now? Is it possible to be pushed too far by our dear ones, too far that we can’t come back? I don’t have the answers. I wish I knew, but I don’t.

I have never been in this place before.

That’s the problem though—the thinking. Thinking doesn’t heal or solve anything.

The breath does. Time does. And action does.

In our breath we can taste a sliver of hope.

I live in a practice of compassion, understanding and forgiveness. Which right now makes it harder for me, because I feel both of our suffering. I understand that when we suffer, that is when we speak the way that we do to others. I’m not blaming or even judging it anymore. It just hurts so much that it consumes me. Forgiveness just takes away the anger, but the pain is still there underneath it all, throbbing and pulsing.

But in breathing into it, I find it a little more bearable.

Everyone has darkness, so I knew we both did too, and I believed in the power of light over it. I thought my light could be enough for us while we fired your light up more brightly. I was willing to help find that place.

“No matter what,” I said.

But that was me being the naive optimist I fear, because my “no matter what” didn’t include this suffocation.

It didn’t include being reduced to a screaming, shouting, crying, cursing, mug-throwing, wall-punching, hateful lunatic by another person’s actions, because in that moment I felt suffocated and trapped. No.

I am no Mother Theresa, or Buddha, or Ghandi, though I try to live accordingly and do as little harm in the world as I can. I am a very flawed human being and I felt something break that day. I felt like a caged beast, backed into a corner and trapped. In that moment something in me snapped and I became carnal. I felt the pain and agony of every person who has ever been cornered by the one they thought they could trust.

How do I come back from that? Can we come back from that? So many questions that only time will answer. I can’t help but wonder if some wounds go too deep. In time perhaps.

I no longer choose to run from the pain, nor will I numb it. No, I will feel it. Like anything else, pain is part of being truly alive, and I choose to be present with it today. I will heal, and I will not become bitter and hateful. I love myself too much to close out the world over some pain.

I will do something different today and share my pain with others so they may know they don’t suffer alone.

Right now it seems like I am drowning in the rain, but I know inside that the blue skies and the rainbows are there just beyond the clouds. The sun will shine again, and my heart will heal. And one day I will look to the scars there like I do on my others, with affection and love.

With each breath, each word from my pen, and each tear that falls, I create a little more space inside me for the light to come back.

When we share our pain, we find it starts to fade.

I start to see in the breath, I start to feel the light coming back. When we breathe we tap into out true Buddha natures, and we find that even the worst hurts can be forgiven.

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How to Forgive our Parents.

Via Jean Gendreau

on Oct 24, 2014

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I hate going home for Thanksgiving.

It’s not the sugary pies, the endless football games or the high school friends who show off their babies. It’s that when Mom asks what happened to the guy I dated last year, she makes it sound like at my age, I should take what I can get. And when Dad asks about my job, he always mentions his brother’s daughter, who makes $200K a year selling real estate.

Parents are like spouses—they are intimate enemies. They often wound us in unique and terrible ways.

For most people, it’s easier to forgive everyone else than to forgive our own parents.

From my spiritual teachers, I know that my family of origin set up perfect lessons for me. From my therapist, I know that it’s okay to be angry about what happened in my childhood and to set boundaries. In meditation, I see that neither my thoughts nor my story defines who I am.

But how do I actually forgive?

*Dear elephant reader: if you're single & looking for mindful dating or conscious love, try out our lovely partner, MeetMindful.

Part of me doesn’t want to. Part of me thinks that if I forgive, I’m saying that hurting people is okay.

Here are three steps to forgiving the parents who hurt us:

1. Choose to forgive.

Do I really want to forgive them? Forgiving my family means taking the blame away from them and accepting responsibility for my own life today. It’s so much easier to stay in the victim’s role. It feels good to say “poor me.”

Yet the only way ahead spiritually is complete forgiveness. Somehow I must arrive at the point where this is possible. I can be willing to try. I can be willing to move past my anger and woundedness to compassion and equanimity. I can surrender my feelings to spirit.

As I meditate, I become able to move past the thoughts that make up my version of my life story.

In the space beyond all thoughts, the divine space, the emptiness—there is room for all forgiveness and love. In that space, even Hitler can be forgiven. So maybe I can forgive my own parents.

Dear Elephant Reader - Do you need someone to confide in? Try a Betterhelp licensed therapist – it’s affordable.

~2. Become a wise ghost.

A wise ghost is a compassionate spirit who sees the past with mature insights. As an adult, I know how sad and confusing adult life can be. I feel compassion for the suffering I see in others.

As a wise ghost, I can float backwards in time and look at my childhood with fresh eyes. I see huge truths that I did not understand when I was younger.

I see my own radiance, beauty and innocence. I look at the other people sitting at the dinner table. As a wise ghost, I see how trapped and wounded my own parents were. I see feelings of self-hatred, depression and despair over rigid sexual and cultural roles.

In many families there are huge myths that everyone supports. For example, in many families, money means love, so that all self-worth comes from your annual income. Families are often in denial; everyone agrees to the same lies. If Mom is an alcoholic, her husband and kids may smile and say she’s having “one of her spells.” People may say Grandma is “sweet” when she’s chronically depressed because it would be shameful if Grandma were depressed. A father may punish a teen for her sexuality because he is subconsciously ashamed of his own sexuality.

I see that there is no one cause and effect pathway to any event, including the painful events in my own life. There were many causes and effects. Many family members were in pain. A wise ghost knows that the executioner is in more pain than the hanged man.

Life is huge and there is immense suffering for many. I cannot comprehend it. Thinking I know why things happen gives me a false sense of control. Instead I want to give up attachment to outcome. I don’t know why anything happens. I know compassion is real and that it eases suffering.

It’s far easier to forgive my parents when I see that each of them alone did not cause the things that happened. Instead what I see is a mother and father doing the best they could. They did not understand the beliefs and emotions that drove them.

In today’s world of one-click porn and anonymous neighbors, it’s hard to comprehend the rules from 30 or 50 years ago. When our parents and grandparents were young, sex roles were so rigid that even thinking “bad” thoughts felt terrifying.

It seems strange to us now, but parents felt they did children a favor by beating them or shaming them into “being normal.” “Good parents” routinely punished daughters for being sexual and boys for being feminine. Repression was so complete that only married people could legally purchase condoms. Much has changed. But in our families and in our psyches, we are still healing wounds that were inflicted in the far past.

My second task as a wise ghost is to look at the beliefs of communities. What was society like? How were people trapped?

A culture teaches its people how to stay safe physically and psychologically. These were useful beliefs once, but today they often cripple us. For example, if a culture executes or puts men in prison for being gay—as many cultures have done and some still do—then parents may feel it’s good to beat any such tendencies out of a little boy.

Another limiting belief is that all rich people are greedy and mean. It’s a useful attitude for getting through the day if you’re poor. But in today’s culture, someone from a poor family can become rich. If you grew up hearing that rich people are bad, your subconscious mind might sabotage your success. Or if you get rich, you might hate yourself.

What if you believe the Spanish proverb, “An ounce of blood is worth more than a pound of friendship”? If you come from a family with toxic patterns, how will you ever let yourself leave home?

Some conflicting beliefs make us crazy: “Be a success” vs. “If you win, it’ll hurt your brother” or “Follow your heart” vs. “You have to support your kids.”

And some old cultural beliefs were simply too harsh for us to tolerate today. When his father died, a 12-year-old boy was required to work twelve-hour shifts in the mines to support his family because he was a boy. As that boy “toughened up,” it’s no surprise that he became a joyless, cruel and abusive man who beat his children. And yet, as a boy, he was a good son who did what he was supposed to do.

As a wise ghost, compassion floods me. I see my family and my culture’s suffering. I am ready to forgive.

Accept the apology you never got.

What I know is that, if they had known how, my parents would have done better. Most parents were doing the best they could. My parents and grandparents were wounded, just as I was. Now I can look at my family with compassion. I can be a wise ghost who watches the old dramas with equanimity.

I forgive my family because I forgive myself. I love them because I love myself. I am not perfect, but I am good and I am whole.

May each of us forgive ourselves and all others. May all beings come to this place of love.

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Editor: Cat Beekmans

Photo: Chris Marchant/Flickr, Smabs Sputzer/Flickr

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Laura Mazza - Mum on the Run

August 20 at 2:59am

To the man whose wife or partner has anxiety,

You might have guessed, or she might have told you, but either way there are things you should know.

Not every day will be bad, and those days should be celebrated, but on the bad days, still celebrate her, because she needs it.

Love,

A wife, a woman and a mumma who has anxiety.

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thisishowyouletgoandfindyou-blog · 7 years

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AUGUST 14, 2017Letting Go Is An Act Of Love Too

By Yap Hui Ting

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We have all heard the good old saying that “If someone loves you, they will fight for you”. But there are times when circumstances are so overwhelming that it forces two people in love apart. This statement casts doubt on the love that was shared just because a decision to let go of the relationship has been made due to circumstances.

But is it all true that fighting for someone is the only form of love?

I do not think so.

The circumstances surrounding you can be so overwhelming that you are not able to give your all in a relationship. As much as you want them to be with you through your difficult times, but a part of you knows that you are selfish to do so. You feel guilty for not being able to give as much to the relationship as the other person. How can you continue to give to someone else when you are so empty inside?

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Love is putting others’ needs above your own. Sometimes you let someone go because you know that you are not able to give them the love you think they deserve. Because the happiness of the person you love matters so much more than your own happiness. Because you want them to be happy, even if it is without you.

So as much as you love someone, you may have to make the difficult decision to let them go. Sometimes it takes more courage to walk away from a relationship that is all that you ever wanted. How hard it is to say goodbye to the best thing that has happened to you.

And the sad truth is life do not work like fairy tales. Happy ever afters do not come easily and there are so many other things to work through in life. Long distance, depression, work stress, family issues, chronic illnesses and having too many things on your plate etc. – they are all circumstances in life that may throw a spanner in your relationship. These are real issues that may be difficult to overcome and it can take a toll on a person. Life can be hard and sometimes love alone is not enough for things to work out the way we would have loved it to.

You choose to let go now before things could potentially take a worse turn and you end up being bitter with each other. You let go with love, in the hope that one day, when whatever circumstances that kept both of you apart no longer stand; there is a good chance to continue from where the relationship left off. It is a way to preserve the goodwill in the relationship so that if fate allows a second chance, the both of you would have a good shot at making it work. When both of you are finally at the same place and being able to put in your 100% and create your happily ever after together.

And when that day comes, it will affirm what you have known all along.

Letting go is an act of love too.

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thisishowyouletgoandfindyou-blog · 7 years

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When a Wild Woman Finds her Warrior, Everything Changes.

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Lindsay Carricarte

on May 9, 2016

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A warrior came into my life, one who tamed the restless nature of my soul.

Before him, I thought I was wild and undomesticated. And I didn’t want to be domesticated. He proved me wrong on a lot of things. He showed me a new level of freedom.

He tamed my soul by aligning with it. This warrior is my other half. My twin flame. My opposite, and my equalizer. Together we strike balance.

As a self-proclaimed Ms. Independent for life, I swore marriage was overrated, and that I had no need for the institution. I thought marriage would mean an end to my freedom. I thought I would feel trapped and stifled, and that I might be expected to consider someone else’s feelings other than my own.

That scared me.

*Dear elephant reader: if you're single & looking for mindful dating or conscious love, try out our lovely partner, MeetMindful.

I just had no use for accountability to anyone or anything outside of my own incessant need and desire for freedom. What I came to find out about myself, after an extensive period of self-reflection through meditation, yoga and spiritual studies, was that I wasn’t actually free. In reality, I was a prisoner of my own selfish delusions.

I was aware of my selfish nature, which is why I never had children. I knew I didn’t want to have to change for anyone. I knew I wanted to live my life the way I wanted—and to hell with anyone else.

Hence the reason all of my relationships—prior to now—have failed. I didn’t care enough about myself to truly care for anyone else. I was closed-off and emotionally blocked, and I had no clue how to open myself up and be vulnerable. So I hid behind a facade. Then I came to awakening, through a lot of hard work, and I matured spiritually and emotionally. I found self-love and acceptance in the teachings of Buddhism. I came to completion in myself, where I was no longer living as a prisoner of the past. I was free from fears and self-destruction.

I was excited for my newfound journey.

My independent nature still ran deep. I still had my inherent urge to explore everything possible in the world and beyond. And, I truly enjoyed my solitude because I was no longer constantly lonely in a world surrounded by people. I felt like the sky was the limit.

That’s when he showed up. My equal. The one I had been waiting for throughout all the years I spent decrying marriage. My divine counterpart. And I did the craziest thing that my former self could’ve imagined—I said yes to marriage!

And now that we are married, I have never been happier. It’s a whole new adventure and challenge. The ultimate one, really. Anyone can roam the world and live life on their terms, living in a state of contentment and serenity. However, not everyone in these crazy times, can commit and embrace a conscious relationship with their counterpart; many of us are just still too selfish to do so. So many become disillusioned, as we watch relationships blossom and fail, simply because we have forgotten that it takes effort to stay in love.

Twin flame or not, our marriage takes work. We are two complete halves who came together to unite in divine love. This does not mean it’s been all rainbows and butterflies, or smooth sailing. It’s been rough and rocky, but we committed to our path, and we’ve respected that. We honor and respect one another. We practice communication and compromise. And we trust. We adventure and we roam.

Our souls align in so many ways—we are both seekers and explorers. We hunger for knowledge and experience. We’ve both come out of darkness and seek to bring light to an ever-darkening world. We can go from philosophizing about the problems facing the world to laughing at our farts. We don’t take ourselves too seriously.

It wasn’t always like this though. We’re also polar opposites in many ways. We clashed often, and we clashed loudly in the beginning. The baggage of life would rear its head and things got ugly more than once. We screamed and fought. I yelled. He cried. I threw things. I pulled away and he clung on tighter. I wanted to run and he wanted to stay. He wanted words or assurance and I wanted actions. He’s touchy and I’m not.

We paused. We took a breath. And another breath. We stepped away and reevaluated what we were doing. We reminded ourselves that despite being angry or afraid, we were in love.

Warriors will stand up and take responsibility for their behaviors. They will consider the information being presented to them, and will incorporate it into their life practice. They will stop and see, because they have disciplined their mind, that perhaps their way isn’t correct or best. They can consider the feelings of another and together they can decide on the best course of action to move forward. Warriors realize that true strength lies in vulnerability. That the ultimate test of faith is opening themselves up to grow and develop alongside another human being—the one who is their match.

This is the thing about twin flame relationships—they often fail before reaching completion. The souls come together for their journey. When the journey begins it’s often smooth. Blissful. Like any new relationship, the honeymoon phase ensues. When this fades the two may begin to notice the human quirks and behaviors exhibited by the other. Often, these behaviors are exactly what triggers the other one. As it was with us. All the buttons were being pushed which needed pushing, to serve as catalysts for maximum growth. Yet people quit before the magic happens.

I hold his hand when we’re out in public. Not because I would do that on my own, but because I do it for him. I tell him I love him often (way more than I would ever say it) because who’s to say that I’m correct in my opinion on how much is too much. It’s in the little actions like these which keep the love blossoming to deeper depths each day.

If, like me, you believe that we live our human existences in order to gain experiences and understandings which will bring us to enlightenment, than you will understand why the twin flame relationship must progress the way that it does. Like diamonds forged under pressure, so must the twin flame relationship be forged in the fires of transformation.

We can’t change behaviors if we aren’t aware of them. If we want happiness and lasting relationships, we must embrace the impermanent nature of all things, including ourselves. We must accept that it’s okay to constantly change and grow, to let go of outdated ideas or beliefs. We waste years pining for “the one” without ever realizing that our idea of “the one” is based on some ridiculous idea of a person who conforms to our quirks and demands, rather than considering how we can shift ourselves to align with another when they come into our life. We give up on others because they don’t fit our idea of perfection, or they trigger a response in us. We falsely believe that “the one” is out there who just clicks and we will never have to put effort into the relationship, that it will just be constant bliss.

My warrior showed me that there’s bliss and unconditional love to be found amongst the challenging times and the easy times when I am committed to growth in a conscious relationship with another.

So, I encourage you dear readers, the next time your significant other triggers you—thank them! They may have just offered you insight into yourself, which is something you can embrace in order to incorporate spiritual growth.

And just remember, everything happens for a reason!

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https://thoughtcatalog.com/josh-gondelman/2012/03/special-skill-and-talents-omitted-from-my-resume/

MARCH 26, 201250 Special Skills And Talents Omitted From My Resumé

By Josh Gondelman

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Hardly sounds like he’s from Boston at all.

Willing to be big spoon or little spoon.

Has a terrific family recipe for brownies.

Used to be able to do “the worm” kind of.

Very reliable for giving rides to/ from the airport.

Knows every word to Jay-Z’s “I Just Wanna Love You.”

Can consistently make babies laugh.

Demonstrates inordinate politeness in nearly every situation.

Sleeps well on airplanes.

Will split a pizza with almost any topping.

Does reasonably accurate impressions of rappers Slick Rick, The Notorious B.I.G., and DMX.

Not afraid of bugs.

Is fine with movies with subtitles.

Expertly quotes and recognizes dialogue from early seasons of The Simpsons.

Can be around boobs without staring creepily at them.

Proficient in air guitar, air bass, and air drums.

Able to lift slightly more than you’d think.

Gives sincere apologies.

Owns a Nintendo Power Glove.

Not too shabby at spelling.

Will not make a scene when your grandmother says something mildly anti-Semitic.

Gives thoughtful and creative birthday presents.

Adept at talking self and others out of fights.

Takes the morning shift driving on road trips.

Admits he is wrong, sometimes when he is not even wrong.

Is not racist.

Talks about sports with enthusiasm and accuracy.

Sits back seat middle if necessary.

Participates in karaoke but does not force others to go out to karaoke.

Dances when he has to.

Does not freak out if you haven’t seen his favorite movie (The Big Lebowski).

Will loan you books without freaking out if you have them for a while.

Can read (but cannot understand) Hebrew.

Is totally laid back if you spell his name wrong.

Gives compliments when compliments are due.

Able to stop chewing ice or whistling on request.

Just picks the tomatoes off of a sandwich instead of requesting a whole new sandwich.

Drives at a safe rate of speed in snow or rain.

Knows who Michel Foucault is.

Doesn’t get weirded out by the word “moist.”

Comfortable in the outdoors for up to eight hours.

Can prove he is a real man by drinking whiskey.

Gives hugs with appropriate pressure and for the right length of time.

Showers regularly.

Is comfortable with jokes about his receding hairline.

Will pet your cat even though he does not like your cat.

Exhibits eagerness to visit any non-Holocaust museum.

Burps minimally.

Listens attentively to boring stories.

Always up for dessert.

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To Stay Married, Embrace Change

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Modern Love

By ADA CALHOUN APRIL 21, 2017

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A couple of years ago, it seemed as if everyone I knew was on the verge of divorce.

“He’s not the man I married,” one friend told me.

“She didn’t change, and I did,” said another.

And then there was the no-fault version: “We grew apart.”

Emotional and physical abuse are clear-cut grounds for divorce, but they aren’t the most common causes of failing marriages, at least the ones I hear about. What’s the more typical villain? Change.

Feeling oppressed by change or lack of change; it’s a tale as old as time. Yet at some point in any long-term relationship, each partner is likely to evolve from the person we fell in love with into someone new — and not always into someone cuter or smarter or more fun. Each goes from rock climber to couch potato, from rebel to middle manager, and from sex crazed to sleep obsessed.

Sometimes people feel betrayed by this change. They fell in love with one person, and when that person doesn’t seem familiar anymore, they decide he or she violated the marriage contract. I have begun to wonder if perhaps the problem isn’t change itself but our susceptibility to what has been called the “end of history” illusion.

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“Human beings are works in progress that mistakenly think they’re finished,” the Harvard professor Daniel Gilbert said in a 2014 TED talk called “The Psychology of Your Future Self.” He described research that he and his colleagues had done in 2013: Study subjects (ranging from 18 to 68 years old) reported changing much more over a decade than they expected to.

In 2015, I published a book about where I grew up, St. Marks Place in the East Village of Manhattan. In doing research, I listened to one person after another claim that the street was a shadow of its former self, that all the good businesses had closed and all the good people had left. This sentiment held true even though people disagreed about which were the good businesses and who were the good people.

Nostalgia, which fuels our resentment toward change, is a natural human impulse. And yet being forever content with a spouse, or a street, requires finding ways to be happy with different versions of that person or neighborhood.

Because I like to fix broken things quickly and shoddily (my husband, Neal, calls my renovation aesthetic “Little Rascals Clubhouse”), I frequently receive the advice: “Don’t just do something, stand there.”

Such underreacting may also be the best stance when confronted by too much or too little change. Whether or not we want people to stay the same, time will bring change in abundance.

A year and a half ago, Neal and I bought a place in the country. We hadn’t been in the market for a house, but our city apartment is only 500 square feet, and we kept admiring this lovely blue house we drove by every time we visited my parents. It turned out to be shockingly affordable.

So now we own a house. We bought furniture, framed pictures and put up a badminton net. We marveled at the change that had come over us. Who were these backyard-grilling, property-tax-paying, shuttlecock-batting people we had become?

When we met in our 20s, Neal wasn’t a man who would delight in lawn care, and I wasn’t a woman who would find such a man appealing. And yet here we were, avidly refilling our bird feeder and remarking on all the cardinals.

Neal, who hadn’t hammered a nail in all the years I’d known him, now had opinions on bookshelves and curtains, and loved going to the hardware store. He whistled while he mowed. He was like an alien. But in this new situation, I was an alien, too — one who knew when to plant bulbs and how to use a Crock-Pot, and who, newly armed with CPR and first aid certification, volunteered at a local camp. Our alien selves were remarkably compatible.

Several long-married people I know have said this exact line: “I’ve had at least three marriages. They’ve just all been with the same person.” I’d say Neal and I have had at least three marriages: Our partying 20s, child-centric 30s and home-owning 40s.

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Then there’s my abbreviated first marriage. Nick and I met in college and dated for a few months before dropping out and driving cross-country. Over the next few years, we worked a series of low-wage jobs. On the rare occasions when we discussed our future, he said he wasn’t ready to settle down because one day, he claimed, he would probably need to “sow” his “wild oats” — a saying I found tacky and a concept I found ridiculous.

When I told Neal about this years later, he said, “Maybe you found it ridiculous because you’d already done it.”

It’s true that from ages 16 to 19 I had a lot of boyfriends. But with Nick, I became happily domestic. We adopted cats. I had changed in such a way that I had no problem being with just one person. I was done changing and thought he should be, too. Certainly, I thought he should not change into a man who sows oats.

When we got married at the courthouse so he could get his green card (he was Canadian), I didn’t feel different the next day. We still fell asleep to “Politically Incorrect” with our cats at our feet as we always had.

We told anyone who asked that the marriage was no big deal, just a formality so the government wouldn’t break us up. But when pressed, it was hard to say what differentiated us from the truly married beyond the absence of a party.

When I grew depressed a few months later, I decided that he and our pseudo-marriage were part of the problem. After three years of feeling like the more committed person, I was done and asked him to move out. When he left, I felt sad but also thrilled by the prospect of dating again. A couple of years later, I met Neal.

Recently, I asked Nick if we could talk. We hadn’t spoken in a decade. He lives in London now, so we Skyped. I saw that he looked almost exactly as he had at 22, though he’d grown a long beard. We had a pleasant conversation. Finally, I asked him if he thought our marriage counted.

“Yeah,” he said. “I think it counts.”

We were married, just not very well. The marriage didn’t mean much to us, and so when things got rough, we broke up. I had been too immature to know what I was getting into. I thought passion was the most important thing. When my romantic feelings left, I followed them out the door. It was just like any breakup, but with extra paperwork.

Nick now works at a European arts venue. He’s unmarried. I wouldn’t have predicted his life or his facial hair. I don’t regret our split, but if we had stayed married, I think I would have liked this version of him.

My hair is long and blond now. When Neal and I met, it was dyed black and cut to my chin. When I took to bleaching it myself, it was often orange, because I didn’t know what I was doing.

Now I weigh about 160 pounds. When I left the hospital after being treated for a burst appendix, I weighed 140. When I was nine months pregnant and starving every second, I weighed 210. I have been everything from size 4 to 14. I have been the life of the party and a drag. I have been broke and loaded, clinically depressed and radiantly happy. Spread out over the years, I’m a harem.

How can we accept that when it comes to our bodies (and everything else, for that matter), the only inevitability is change? And what is the key to caring less about change as a marriage evolves — things like how much sex we’re having and whether or not it’s the best sex possible?

One day in the country, Neal and I heard a chipmunk in distress. It had gotten inside the house and was hiding under the couch. Every few minutes, the creature let out a high-pitched squeak. I tried to sweep it out the door to safety with a broom, but it kept running back at my feet.

“Wow, you’re dumb,” I said to it.

“I got this,” Neal said, mysteriously carrying a plastic cereal bowl. “Shoo it out from under there.”

I did, and the chipmunk raced through the living room. Neal, like an ancient discus thrower, tossed the bowl in a beautiful arc, landing it perfectly atop the scampering creature. He then slid a piece of cardboard under the bowl and carried the chipmunk out into the bushes, where he set it free.

“That was really impressive,” I said.

“I know,” he said.

To feel awed by a man I thought I knew completely: It’s a shock when that happens after so many years. And a boon. That one fling of a bowl probably bought us another five years of marriage.

Ada Calhoun, who lives in New York, is the author of a forthcoming memoir, “Wedding Toasts I’ll Never Give,” from which this essay is adapted.

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A version of this article appears in print on April 23, 2017, on Page ST5 of the New York edition with the headline: To Stay Married, Embrace Change. Order Reprints| Today's Paper|Subscribe

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